Jude King Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm looking for support. My boyfriend is asexual and it's been so difficult on me. At first he thought he was demisexual, we had sex all the time. But recently he's discovered that he is in fact asexual. I was devastated because I loved making love with him. Now I fear we will never have sex again. Is he repulsed by me? Is this my fault? I consider myself to be very attractive so I don't understand. I understand he's asexual but can't look passed it. I want to have sex again. He told me I should just masturbate, which I find repulsive. I love myself and my body so much that I want to share it with him. Please help, I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Nothing is your fault. Neither of you two should be in a relationship were you two are unhappy. If sex is so important to you, and you two can't compromise on something, I think it is best to rethink about being in this relationship, for real. The very fact your boyfriend realised he was asexual, I highly doubt it had anything to do with your attractiveness. He may find you extremely beautiful, but not sexually attractive. Some asexuals experience a thing called aesthetic attraction- admiring beauty,to put it really,really simply. Some asexuals experience sensual attraction-wanting to have non sexual contact with a person I.e. cuddling. Honestly, have you two considered going to a relationship therapist? That might help. If I were you, I'd sit down with your boyfriend and see if this will work. Don't beat yourself up. Nothing is your,or his fault. Just talk it out. If it doesn't work,it doesn't work. There are other fish in the sea. I hope things get better for the both of you,regardless of the outcome. Good luck,dear. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Let's say that instead of coming out as asexual your boyfriend came out as a different sexual orientation that meant he has absolutely no desire to have sex with people of your gender. In that case, would you blame yourself? Would you feel like it was logical for you to stay keep dating him, or would you tell him maybe you should just be friends so you can both date within your different orientations? I honestly don't know why so many people think the asexual lifestyle is all about dating sexuals and trying to get them to give up sex rather than about looking for other asexuals to date. Even less do I understand why sexuals would want to play along with this wacky scheme. Link to post Share on other sites
Lana Overland Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 1 this is his sexuality, it could never be your fault. 2 Really I think you need to have a talk about what you are comfortable doing and what he's comfortable doing. 3 Do advocate for what you want. I mean don't be push yourself onto him, but if you need sex in the relationship advocate for it. And for god sakes tell him about your insecurities with him, I'm sure he'll tell you that it's not your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Jude King Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 Thank you everyone for your support. This has helped a lot. When he is ready I will speak with him. Jude Link to post Share on other sites
Jude King Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 this is also a problem because we use to have sex all the time. That's what has me so upset. Jude Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 It is not your fault. Not in any way. You have a perfectly reasonable desire and expectation in the relationship. He has done the honourable thing by revealing his asexuality. Credit to him for that as it gives you a true opportunity to make an informed choice about where you want to go next. Tough it out or move on. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Photodude Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 17 hours ago, Jude King said: this is also a problem because we use to have sex all the time. That's what has me so upset. The more important question: why do so many asexuals drag sexuals into relationships by having "sex all the time" and then leave them high and dry and totally celibate? I don't know the answer to that question but I can advise you to just accept that it happens, and it is VERY common. If your BF had sex with you all the time and then stopped while coming out as gay, wouldn't you think differently? You need to accept asexuality as a different orientation no different than being gay in terms of being similarly incompatible. " Even less do I understand why sexuals would want to play along with this wacky scheme" Yes, it is this dishonesty that causes them to play a "whacky scheme" that was never made clear to them, despite what appears to be their partner's reason De jure . Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 moved topic to SPFA Jayce, Asexual Relationships moderator. Link to post Share on other sites
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