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Hey all, first post, sorry if it's a jumbled mess, I will try to make sense!

 

I've been with my partner for just over 5 years now, we are the best of friends and can enjoy each others company even if we sit in silence doing our own thing. There is however one thing that is slowly driving a wedge in our relationship... Over the past couple of years  (maybe verging on three) my partner has been on and off sex. Not just the physical act, but talking about it. Flirting. Teasing.. Anything. I am very much into sex, I believe my sex drive is high and don't expect her to be having sex with me as much as I want it, because she would just spend her days sore! However she currently states that she has no interest in sex. Not with me, not with anyone. She could quite happily function without sex in her life or relationship - this breaks my heart.

She is very easy to talk to but also very difficult to talk to at the same time. If there is a subject she doesn't want to talk about, regardless of if it's needed or not, she we just shut it down, leave it hanging, not address it - whatever you want to call it. One of these subjects happens to be the lack of sex in our relationship. Every time I bring up how she is feeling (which now makes me feel guilty asking) toward it (not whether she wants to have sex, just how are feelings in general about it - if they are changing) she instantly goes on the defensive, so it's very hard to gauge what is going on. I don't know whether shes Asexual, she doesn't know either - she has thought about it but again, when we go into speaking about her and her feelings, she just shuts down - it's incredibly frustrating and leaves me in the dark in what I can do, or what needs to be done in order to help her.

 

She currently see's a therapist due to work and issues she's had with family. And her therapist thinks that the issue within our relationship is linked with how shes feeling about life and family right now - but again I don't know exactly how she's feeling because she doesn't like talking about it. I would love to just listen to her vent, rant, whatever about whatever she wants - but she doesn't want to do that with me - she'd rather bury it and get lost in her books.

The rejection I've had and the complete lack of intimacy both physically and mentally is starting to take its toll on me. I'm finding it hard and I really don't want to start resenting her for something that isn't her fault and is out of her control. I don't really know what options there are for us? She is my best friend and I wouldn't want to lose what we have and am afraid if we went our seperate ways, we would lose a big part of that. We have never really been like most couples in the sense that we don't require constant affection and we aren't all lovey dovey - we take the piss out of each other and have a laugh.

To sum things up I  just feel very lost. Redundant. I have no control over our relationship and there isn't anything I can do to help her it seems. It's like playing a waiting a game currently to find out WHY she isn't currently craving or wanting anything to do with sex. What options can we possibly look into and explore? I have compromised by not pestering her for sex, It's gotten to the point where I feel guilty even asking anything to do with how shes feeling sexually - so actually asking for sex has died out. And I would never want her to have sex with me just for my benefit - I wouldn't enjoy it because I know she wouldn't be enjoying it. It's like a double edged sword!

Sorry for vomiting all these words in a confusing kind of way! I just don't know what to do anymore!

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Thank you for posting, waiting. I would highly recommend talking to a professional about this. Maybe a couples counsellor, one who is open to/aware of different sexualities.

 

As to whether or not your partner is asexual, we can't say here. There's only one person who can really figure that out and it's her.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think relationship advice in this format is a good idea. There are too many factors we can't possibly know without actually being there and knowing the two of you. And there's no such thing as a one-sided relationship issue.

 

The only other suggestion I might make is to see if she'd be interested in checking out this site.

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  • 5 months later...
winchester.kaz2y5

since she's going to a therapist it could be beneficial for you to go with her if she feels comfortable with it. Honestly I'm glad you're asking instead of letting these problems brew, but the only person who can tell if she's ace is her. There is also the possibility that she just doesn't enjoy sex which is just fine because there are many couples in loving relationships where sex isn't even a factor. hope this helped:D

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