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having a narrow type or having sexual attraction to v few people


henpen82

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I'm more inclined than ever to say I'm a 'sexual' as I experience both sexual attraction and sexual desire! But what has really confused me over the years, Is that I only find a few guys attractive - I have a physical 'type' and I guess its just pretty narrow and exclusive 

 

I feel 'safer; discussing it here and elsewhere I've been 'attacked' for being perceived as 'shallow' 'picky' and some pretty negative stuff. How I perceive 'Picky' or 'fussy' is people making conscious judgements about people - but In my case its purely feeling, it just attraction or not!

 

And I know I'm not Demi-sexual as If I meet the 'right' person attraction and desire will come early like any other sexual..... but those instances are few, like 2 or 3 a day (just by sight, seeing 1000's of people walk past each day)

 

am I just a very particular sexual? 

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Lana Overland

#1 Labels are your choice. Always. You can choose to identify however you deem fit.

 

2 I agree that you're probably not ace.

 

Though 2 or 3 a day? Is it supposed to be more than that? I thought it was like an every now and then sort of thing like every month or so. This just proves that we really need to be more open about what sexual attraction is. *laughs* I honestly only know what I know from movies and stuff (like rom-coms) so I wouldn't know. 

 

Also you're right it's not picky if you're only attracted to certain people, that's just how you are. It's not like you're going "I'm not going to be attracted to red-heads!" You're just not attracted to people with red hair, ya know? No one can force you to change that. (Though picky isn't such a bad thing either, people just give the word a bad rep like it's childish to not like things that we don't like). 

 

3 I'm glad you feel safe reaching out here. It's fun to help people talk through things and it can be helpful to hear what other people experience in the attraction area, ya know? 

 

Anyway, good luck! Hope we can be of some help! :D:cake:

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I have also a very narrow type (men with long hair, and not all of those either) - though for me that's more of a romantic than sexual attraction. But since I only find someone attractive once in a blue moon, I identify as gray...

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6 hours ago, henpen82 said:

And I know I'm not Demi-sexual as If I meet the 'right' person attraction and desire will come early like any other sexual..... but those instances are few, like 2 or 3 a day (just by sight, seeing 1000's of people walk past each day)

 

am I just a very particular sexual? 

This sounds pretty average to me... 2 or 3 a day isn't really a small amount, surely? :huh:

Yeah you aren't shallow or picky, you just have a type, that's perfectly normal. From the sounds of it your type isn't even that exclusive by the sounds of it, I have a friend who's type is so narrow and exclusive that at 35 they have only found 4 people who fit it in their entire life.

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10 minutes ago, ohdearIzzy said:

This sounds pretty average to me... 2 or 3 a day isn't really a small amount, surely? :huh:

Yeah you aren't shallow or picky, you just have a type, that's perfectly normal. From the sounds of it your type isn't even that exclusive by the sounds of it, I have a friend who's type is so narrow and exclusive that at 35 they have only found 4 people who fit it in their entire life.

To put it in Context I live in London and travel into central London every day, So I probably see more than the average amount of people - and these 2 or 3 people are just sights I glance! in like maybe 10,000 people! I once monitored my use of a dating app - and found that I was interested in 1/700 guys  thats pretty small odds!

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6 hours ago, Lana Overland said:

 

 

Though 2 or 3 a day? Is it supposed to be more than that? I thought it was like an every now and then sort of thing like every month or so. This just proves that we really need to be more open about what sexual attraction is. *laughs* I honestly only know what I know from movies and stuff (like rom-coms) so I wouldn't know. 

 

 

Yeah Apparently (and I've read a fair few psychology articles and dating blogs etc) for most people its about 30-50% of people they will find potential in sexually!

 

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7 minutes ago, henpen82 said:

Yeah Apparently (and I've read a fair few psychology articles and dating blogs etc) for most people its about 30-50% of people they will find potential in sexually!

 

Wait... really? so for a heterosexual, if they found 50% of people to be attractive, they would be attracted to each and every person of the opposite gender that they ever come across! Sounds unlikely.

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54 minutes ago, sindi said:

Wait... really? so for a heterosexual, if they found 50% of people to be attractive, they would be attracted to each and every person of the opposite gender that they ever come across! Sounds unlikely.

I think that means a percentage of the opposite sex (for heterosexuals) ;)  And I think that's probably true for many...

 

For me, e.g. on a dating site, it's probably around 3-5% of males I could find even the slightest attraction to (an most of those would be too young for me)... Just as a rough guesstimate.

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5 minutes ago, Florenna said:

I think that means a percentage of the opposite sex (for heterosexuals) ;)  And I think that's probably true for many...

 

It still sounds very, very high :o If a completely random collection of males was lined up in front of an average heterosexual female, and they would find every other one attractive... that seems like a super broad taste! What about all the old people and gross bums and what not!

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5 minutes ago, sindi said:

It still sounds very, very high :o If a completely random collection of males was lined up in front of an average heterosexual female, and they would find every other one attractive... that seems like a super broad taste! What about all the old people and gross bums and what not!

Ah, that's ageist :P But it probably means 30-50% of roughly your own age group, I guess... But since henpen82 said he's read that in a fair few psychology articles and dating blogs, I believe him ;) And it explains why so many have it so easy finding someone, unlike me for example, who can only find a much smaller percentage in any way attractive.

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Just now, Florenna said:

Ah, that's ageist :P 

I didn't mean to be, just trying to highlight how there are entire groups of people that some most average person might not consider attractive :P 50% still sounds like the opposite extreme of picky to me, but maybe it's just because I came across romantically or aesthetically attractive people so rarely myself. It makes me jealous that someone comes across "just" 3-5 attractive people a day, when I come across like a few attractive people per year :( (if we don't count extremely mild attractions that amount to "hmm, that person's not too bad looking"). I like being attracted to people, but I just am not. Sometimes I even force myself to view someone in a more attractive light.

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1 hour ago, sindi said:

Wait... really? so for a heterosexual, if they found 50% of people to be attractive, they would be attracted to each and every person of the opposite gender that they ever come across! Sounds unlikely.

No sorry  what I mean is 50% the opposite/same gender........ also I think its lower for woman being attracted to men - more like 30% and higher for men attracted to woman - 50% - and yes I can't remember what studies I read but I guess that is age appropriate people.

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But whats disheartening is I've read 'dating experts' claim being so fussy is 'not normal' and that we should lower standards - Its what I hear time and time again - because people just don't understand the Phsychology of attraction like its a trainable thing - for some it might be a 'fluid' thing - but for many it won't be! 

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5 minutes ago, henpen82 said:

But whats disheartening is I've read 'dating experts' claim being so fussy is 'not normal' and that we should lower standards - Its what I hear time and time again - because people just don't understand the Phsychology of attraction like its a trainable thing - for some it might be a 'fluid' thing - but for many it won't be! 

Yeah, it's not something that you can just consciously adjust! If some person doesn't attract you at all, deciding to "lower your standards" won't suddenly make them appear attractive to you -_-

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58 minutes ago, henpen82 said:

But whats disheartening is I've read 'dating experts' claim being so fussy is 'not normal' and that we should lower standards - Its what I hear time and time again - because people just don't understand the Phsychology of attraction like its a trainable thing - for some it might be a 'fluid' thing - but for many it won't be! 

"Lower standards"?! :o That 30-50% is low already... Wonder what they'd consider me, with my 3-5%? Extremely picky and ab-normal, probably ;) (I prefer grey...) And that's just the physical attraction, mental compatibility would narrow it down even further...

 

I've generally lost any faith in any "experts", anyway... Why do people seem to need an "expert" in every freaking thing these days?! Relationship experts, childrearing experts, etc... The only "experts" needed (and the best ones) are the people involved!

 

(And how do you become a "dating expert" anyway, by dating 500 people or something? :P)

 

1 hour ago, sindi said:

Sometimes I even force myself to view someone in a more attractive light.

I've done that too, quite often in fact, or tried to. It didn't work...

 

(Or maybe I just need to "train" more, if it's supposed to be a trainable thing :P )

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So... wait, what? To me, as a sexual person, 2-3 people a day is actually quite a lot. I don't know anyone that experiences sexual attraction that easily. I certainly can't answer for most people but I don't have reason to believe the majority find half of the population of their preferred sex/gender sexually attractive. That sounds absurd. I can't label you but what you describe is, to me, simply sexual. Possibly a bit more than average, even. 

 

There's nothing wrong with having preferences. You don't need to lower your standards unless you're desperate to get laid. I've been romantically attracted to few men (maybe 3 or 4 and I'm 24) and sexually attracted to even fewer. They don't all fit a type but you could call me fussy. Oh well. It's not something you can really help. Someone out there fits your type and would love someone to find them attractive because of that.

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40 minutes ago, Graceful said:

So... wait, what? To me, as a sexual person, 2-3 people a day is actually quite a lot. I don't know anyone that experiences sexual attraction that easily. I certainly can't answer for most people but I don't have reason to believe the majority find half of the population of their preferred sex/gender sexually attractive. That sounds absurd. I can't label you but what you describe is, to me, simply sexual. Possibly a bit more than average, even. 

 

There's nothing wrong with having preferences. You don't need to lower your standards unless you're desperate to get laid. I've been romantically attracted to few men (maybe 3 or 4 and I'm 24) and sexually attracted to even fewer. They don't all fit a type but you could call me fussy. Oh well. It's not something you can really help. Someone out there fits your type and would love someone to find them attractive because of that.

Lowering one's standards can also be needed if you don't want to be alone for years & years, as it could take decades (or more) for you to meet that "someone out there", for those of us who are attracted to very few (especially if it's not someone in your local area), and those of us who are not that young anymore may die of old age before that happens ;)  Although that "someone out there fits your type" sounds a lot like the normative-romantic-sexual idea that everyone is supposed to believe in. I'm not sure I do anymore... Especially since just coming across such special someone does in no way mean that it will develop into a relationship or, if it does, that it will work/last... (Plenty of experience of all that.) 

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Username_2017

Finding 2 to 3 people per day 'sexually' attractive or just aesthetically attractive? 

 

I can look at tons of people and think they are nice looking but I don't feel sexually or romantically attracted to them, 2 or 3 per day sounds quite high to me! 

 

I am questioning my sexuality but for example I have found 2 people sexually attractive in 3 months. 

 

The reason I am questioning my sexuality is not because of how often I feel sexual attraction but because, yeah I enjoy it but it's not really a priority in a relationship 

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