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SorryNotSorry

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SorryNotSorry

I had another monumental argument with my best male friend of 30+ years this morning. <_< You should have heard him talking about asexuality... basically he regurgitated whatever they taught him in that college psychology course about asexuality. He was absolutely sure (his professors and textbooks say so, therefore it must be true) that a large percentage of asexuals are asexual because they were molested as kids, and that only a tiny minority have no craving for sex because the way their brains are wired precludes them from getting any pleasure from sex. Pretty shitsure words from a guy who knows he's not asexual and hasn't been on AVEN for the past 12 years. And yes, he's the same one who tried to convince me a couple of years ago that if the right woman came along and met me, my instinct to have sex with her would override my desire for unadulterated emotional bonding.

 

Sometimes my friend really doesn't know how full of shit he sounds when he says stuff like this.

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Helena_Handbasket

Sorry that happened.  Arguing with those we are closed with (especially with a long history) are hard.  It's difficult to have our friends be more open-minded about things that they really don't understand (hence falling back on what they learned in a book).  A shame he couldn't look to you as a resource for information and personal insight.  He may never change his stance, but I'm sure he's got a heap of other qualities that must keep you two friends.  Sucks though - I get what you're saying.

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Falling for the "Education makes you smart" meme lol. Anyone can learn things, but that doesn't mean they understand them. 

 

On the other hand though, I personally feel that abuse or neglect can make someone Asexual. I am asexual because I was neglected, abused, and molested. It made me schizoid. So he technically isn't wrong, just generalizing. Honestly though, do you feel that everyone is Asexual by genetic disposition? I think the genetic asexuality is much more rare, then the neglected. Either way, this doesn't stop one being asexual. No matter the origin, "Curing" it isn't a thing that is usually possible. So either way, it still exists.

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SorryNotSorry
7 minutes ago, Tofu God said:

Honestly though, do you feel that everyone is Asexual by genetic disposition? I think the genetic asexuality is much more rare, then the neglected.

No, and I more or less said so in the original post. A small number did become asexual by nurture, not nature. But I think the way people's brains are wired accounts for a lot more individual differences than many people (including many clinicians) appreciate.

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Read about the anti-psychiatry movement and regurgitate to him how his practice is a pseudo-science.

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4 hours ago, Fox6 said:

Read about the anti-psychiatry movement and regurgitate to him how his practice is a pseudo-science.

Psychiatry and psychology aren't pseudo-sciences but that entire branch of the medical scientific world has some serrious known issues.

 

"that a large percentage of asexuals are asexual because they were molested as kids, and that only a tiny minority have no craving for sex because the way their brains are wired precludes them from getting any pleasure from sex"

 

I wasn't molested as a kid and I did recieve all the love and attention from my parents but I was pushed in a global "sexual" direction, that didn't fit with my true personality, because of these being "normal" expectations of our society back then. I felt weird and broken all my life till I run into the word asexuality, not because I was broken but because I didn't understood what was really going on.

 

Getting pleasure from sex is irrelevant to me, us fake aces, as I/we have no iterrest in partnered sex in the first place. I don't like the term "how our brains are wired" as this sounds like there could be some wondertrick to change the wiring of our brains to make us suddenly sexuals or true asexuals, the ones who loves sex and bang more often than sexuals.

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14 hours ago, Woodworker1968 said:

I had another monumental argument with my best male friend of 30+ years this morning. <_< You should have heard him talking about asexuality... basically he regurgitated whatever they taught him in that college psychology course about asexuality. He was absolutely sure (his professors and textbooks say so, therefore it must be true) that a large percentage of asexuals are asexual because they were molested as kids, and that only a tiny minority have no craving for sex because the way their brains are wired precludes them from getting any pleasure from sex. Pretty shitsure words from a guy who knows he's not asexual and hasn't been on AVEN for the past 12 years. And yes, he's the same one who tried to convince me a couple of years ago that if the right woman came along and met me, my instinct to have sex with her would override my desire for unadulterated emotional bonding.

 

Sometimes my friend really doesn't know how full of shit he sounds when he says stuff like this.

I have come to the conclusion that this (his) kind of mindset is not inherently bad.

 

Whenever you get introduced to something, you might have a general assumption of what it is like and what it is all about. When I first learned of asexuality, I thought it was about repulsion (because all the ace-related articles were featuring repulsed ace folks). Needless to say, I was wrong... still, you can't help but start from somewhere, right? Now this is where it gets dicey, because you have to be open to have your opinion shredded to bits by facts and experiences.

 

I totally see where all those "get your hormones checked" and "you might find someone one day" people are coming from, and they have a point in saying that both of those could be the case. However if I did get my hormones checked out, everything being fine, and they refused to believe me, that would be a major dick move.

 

And of course it gets annoying if you get to explain everything 375 times a day. I'm with you on that one.

 

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"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education" Mark Twain.

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SorryNotSorry
3 hours ago, seneca said:

"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education" Mark Twain.

Touché.

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Ouch! That's not nice of your friend to say that to you but i think his response is just out of pure ignorance, that's why i can't really blaim him for his response to you. I remember when i first learned about asexuality i just thought that asexuals were weird people because they didn't want sex at all ( I somehow managed to force myself into thinking i was sexual like everyone else and a late bloomer. I also thought that sex should be mandatory after marriage and in each and every relationship) When i read more about asexuality and discovered i was one of them i just learned so much from them that i now understand it's completely normal to be asexual. I guess you should just give him time and try to talk about it with him some other time once things have calmed down. I'm sure he will understand after you give him time to think about it.

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SorryNotSorry

Meh, I doubt it. He and I are both on the autism spectrum, but he has difficulty accepting things that he can learn from observation if he's already learned them (however false or not entirely forthcoming) from something else. Another example of this occurred a couple of weeks ago, when I tried to explain to him how a bizarre design for a musical instrument I was building will not work, and he started rattling off all this theoretical physics stuff. It was pointless, because he was finally able to see for himself how badly the instrument distorted when we tried to tune it up.

 

That's why he works with computers and I work with wood.

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6 hours ago, Nidwin said:

Psychiatry and psychology aren't pseudo-sciences but that entire branch of the medical scientific world has some serrious known issues.

I think that was the point.  By talking about the Anti-psychiatry crock you are showing the other person how stupid they sound but switching the tables.

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To a lot of sexuals, the difference between one person, who doesnt want sex, due to genetic wiring or innate position of sexuality and an other person, who has been brougth to not wanting sex, due to outer things with has changed their feelings or connotations about intimacy or sex, is that both people are unable to desire sex. And on the dating-issue, then the result is that the same preference boxes are not ticked. Same, same, but different! 

Not to me, of course! I'm an educated and understanding sexual. But generally.

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What is the basis for believing that asexuality is predominantly genetic (or wiring or whatever, from birth) verses environmental?

 

I'm not doubting it, just curious about what factual basis you are relying on.

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If this guy went to college at least 20 years ago, I doubt if any of his college textbooks said anything about asexuality in humans, nor  would his psychology professors have known about it.  

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straightouttamordor

The question people focus on is "why" is someone asexual ? It doesn't matter and it may vary or there may be no real cause and effect. We "Are" that's the point. Just let us be who we are. We don't try to cure people who like golf or don't like cherry pie. 

Look at all the nuances and variables of sexual people, it's pretty broad. I too have heard childhood trauma is your cause and that hot lady over there will cure you. Whatever.

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If I had a dollar for every time someone said that being (a)sexually deviant was due to molestation or child abuse, I'd be a rich person. I feel like it's just a half-assed explanation that people pull out of their asses to make it seem like they understand something better than the people experiencing it. 

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