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I hate myself because I'm sexual dating an asexual


Kitsune1197

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Hello! :) thank you so much for opening my post. It is really long so I apologise but I really need advice, reassurance, personal experiences, anything. I love my partner but I am really, really struggling and I fear it is going to result in further decreases of my mental health or cost me my relationship. 


I am a 20yr old sexual woman and I have been with my 21yr old grey-asexual (describes himself as a sensualist too) male partner for 8 months. Before we started dating I was under the impression I was also asexual as I was a bit sex-repulsed due to childhood assault and I never craved sex. Once we started dating and I fell for him and it all changed. At first we had sex at least once a week but since then it has been getting less and less frequent. We do cuddle and kiss a LOT and I know he's trying really hard to compensate and I feel so selfish saying it but it's just not fulfilling the other need I have. 

He was quite well known in the kink community and his skills really drew me in and I loved exploring all sorts of things I'd never tried before but he eventually lost interest in kinky sessions with me even though I yearned for being vulnerable and sensual with him. 

Our sex life is just getting worse and I have been trying really hard to become more emotionally aware so that I can identify what my issues are. I also really struggle with coping with these emotions and I do so negatively but I'm trying to break that habit. 

It started as sexual frustration and has built over time into resentfulness and sadness. I try to initiate sex and I get hyped up and horny only to end up devastated when he doesnt reciprocate. 
I really want to hold back and stop pushing him but I'm so fearful that if I don't then it will just never happen. I'm worried that if I just give up and surrender then I'll just get used to it and I know I will shut down and become distant. I'm terrified because I know this could ruin our relationship. I already have considered leaving so many times because I feel like completely removing the person who makes me want sex will fix this whole situation. 

We are like good roommates.
I'm losing my self esteem and body confidence I worked so hard to build up. I once hated my body and feared sex and the vulnerability of intimacy.
I used to be flattered when he complimented me, but now I just try my hardest to hide the bitterness and instant disbelief to his words. 
I feel rejected and undesirable. 
I hate porn and yet I've started watching it. I  took up a job as an escort after discussing with my partner but I hate having to go to work just to find some sort of similar (but completely unsatisfying) intimacy. I cry the night before I go to work because I'm sexually frustrated and I feel gross when I start enjoying the sex I get from clients when all I want is my partner. 
I've started to see the appeal of poly relationships or cheating but I could never hurt my partner or myself like that. 

When we have sex it's amazing but I'm feeling worse afterwards because i can't help but worry that he felt obliged or pressured. 
I love him and I hunger and despair for such closeness and intimacy but I feel completely selfish for wanting it.
I don't even want the sex as much anymore; I want the teasing, the hot and bothered feeling and passion leading up to it. I feel like I can't do it anymore, cause I'm too surprised that it's actually happening, or I'm questioning if he's going to stop midway or I'm back-tracking, trying to gauge if I pressured him in to it. 
I feel worthless and just tolerated, but he always tells me he loves me and adores me. 
I get so many kisses and cuddles, things I enjoy greatly. He puts a lot of time and effort into giving me that, I know. However, I just can't settle. It physically hurts me to be sexually frustrated and brings up the previous emotions i wrote about. 
He thought that my job would fix the whole issue and I tried to be optimistic even though I knew it wouldn't. I once thought I was asexual or on that spectrum because I found so little enjoyment but it was good money and scratched the itch I couldn't scratch with my poor masturbation skills. I actually hate masturbating because it lacks that intimacy with another person that I love. I am just so desperate to be close to him, not just anyone. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep most nights and stay up for hours hating myself because I get so upset when he dismisses my need and falls asleep. It's affecting my relationship with him and MYSELF so much that I'm seriously considering leaving. We don't have any other relationship problems, just this. I am sick of guilt tripping myself and feeling selfish and horrible for asking this of him when I know he's ace. I don't know how to cope with feeling like I'm broken and unworthy and a bitch. I am so incredibly hurt and lost. Please help. 

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Hi, I'm totally new here to all of this and I'm just starting to discover myself, so I don't think I'm the right person to give you some amazing advice or anything. 

But I just needed to answer. 

 

You are definitely struggling. You are describing yourself als broken, a bitch. Please don't put yourself down. You are none of those things. In matter of fact, I think you show a lot of love and caring by making a topic on this forum and putting yourself out there. 

I'm curious what your boyfriend says of your feelings? Does he know everything like you just told us? 

 

Have you read the 'Stopping the Blame Game'-topic? I think it can be helpful for you? 

 

 

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Telecaster68

Kitsune - first of all, most importantly, you're definitely not a bitch, broken or unworthy. You're clearly a deeply caring, sensitive person in a very difficult place, and one that pretty much all sexual partners of asexuals understand and have shared. There's a bunch of us on the Allies and Friends sections who've written the same kind of posts - the choice between losing a big part of ourselves, or losing our partners. You're far from alone.

 

It's unusual though, in that one partner (you) has essentially changed from asexual to sexual. Normally, it's more like one partner has become unable to compromise to meet the other partner's needs, but it still comes down to both feeling awful because of the incompatability. 

 

I worry that you've taken a job as an escort. Apart from it being innately dangerous, I'd have thought it would only lead to you getting more screwed up about sex, and seeing it as separate from emotion. You're right, it will never make up for sex not being part of your relationship you crave. I think you understand that, even if your boyfriend doesn't (which doesn't surprise me, many asexuals completely don't get that desiring and being desiring are intrinsically part of most relationships, so to him, it would look like you're getting your needs met along with a nice income stream, when in fact it's just further complicating and probably devaluing your relationship with him and your completely legitimate feelings about wanting sex as part of a relationship).

 

Unless you're happy to never have sex with your boyfriend, and you're clearly not, he needs to compromise. You already are compromising, every time you want to have sex with him but don't. Is he compromising by having sex with you at least sometimes when he doesn't want to?

 

If that's not possible, then in the end you two just aren't compatible, and though it's painful, splitting up might in the end be best for both of you.

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I just made an account to reply to this because it is so similar to my situation. I don't know what to say other than I empathize with you. 

 

You're not alone. 

 

It's ridiculously hard and I feel like its killing me slowly. But my partner deserves someone who loves and understands their needs so I just try to give them that while ignoring what I need. Because asking my partner for sex when I know how averse they are to it feels so wrong. 

 

It's not an ideal situation but we haven't come up with anything better than one partner making concessions. 

 

My post is just to say that there are people out there that understand your situation and your feelings. I hope it helps in some capacity.

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Observation - A lot of what you write is about you and your issues. Very little about your partner. The way you talk, it sounds to me the reason you're in this relationship is to compensate your own issues, not because you love your partner (no offence meant, this used to be my mode of operation as well, I can understand). If that's the case, then it's quite simple, really: The relationship is already "ruined", as you can not get out of it what you seek. "Losing" it would merely make official, what is already the case. The hard part left is to own up to that truth.

 

On the other hand, if you do love your partner, and are willing to suffer for him, that could be your opportunity for growth. Accept the shitty situation you're in, accept the pain, and try to focus more on his needs, which from the sounds of it are more realistic to fulfill. That's basically how any functional mixed relationships I know of end up working - the sexual giving up. It's possible to find some sense of sexual fulfillment in such a relationship, although certainly, not what you are currently seeking, nothing that would compensate for your mental problems. You have to stand on your own legs for a relationship like this to be able to work.

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Telecaster68

I'd question whether a relationship in which one partner is entirely suppressing their needs at the cost of such pain is actually functional. 

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Which would imply you think the purpose of a relationship is some sort of personal bliss. Which is fine, for you, personally, of course. I'd argue if that's what someone seeks in a relationship, though, then they shouldn't date someone who doesn't match their orientation. The only reason you'd ever do that is for something other than bliss, like for example, you happen to love that person.

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kitsune:

 

It appears you knew he was asexual before you got together and you presented yourself as asexual.  That was not fair to him.  Now you realize you are sexual.

 

It seems he is the one who has been compromising by having sex.  He likely is doing it to please you. 

 

It seems you have changed and now the two of you are incompatible. 

 

Why not set him free and set yourself free by breaking up and moving on.

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nanogretchen4

It sounds to me like a lot of things have gone seriously wrong with your relationship in eight short months. It is definitely not worth sacrificing your mental health for an incompatible relationship. You are only twenty. There is plenty of time to find someone who is actually right for you. My advice is to break up, get out of sex work, and focus on your own health and well being. At least now you know that you are not asexual, so it was a good learning experience in that sense. That information should help you find someone compatible once you are in a stable headspace and feel good about yourself as an individual.

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Telecaster68
22 minutes ago, Tarfeather said:

Which would imply you think the purpose of a relationship is some sort of personal bliss. Which is fine, for you, personally, of course. I'd argue if that's what someone seeks in a relationship, though, then they shouldn't date someone who doesn't match their orientation. The only reason you'd ever do that is for something other than bliss, like for example, you happen to love that person.

Clearly it would be silly to expect any relationship to be wall to wall bliss.  But there's a level at which the pain involved outweighs the pleasure, and is also actively damaging to the people involved. It's a bit weird to posit bliss and love as exclusive. 

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19 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

It sounds to me like a lot of things have gone seriously wrong with your relationship in eight short months. It is definitely not worth sacrificing your mental health for an incompatible relationship. You are only twenty. There is plenty of time to find someone who is actually right for you. My advice is to break up, get out of sex work, and focus on your own health and well being. At least now you know that you are not asexual, so it was a good learning experience in that sense. That information should help you find someone compatible once you are in a stable headspace and feel good about yourself as an individual.

When I leaned my spouse was having an affair it was a blessing for me,  because lying and cheating were always deal breakers for me.  It helped me end the marriage without guilt.

 

I am so much happier now without my ex constantly nagging for sex, and making me feel abnormal for my lack of interest. 

 

 

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As you said your partner is an ace but still having sex with you (most probably they love you and try to make you happy). It should be so hard for them to do it just to please someone. I am not judging and not saying they suffers more than you but it seems a difficult situation for both of you. You also said you have lived somethings and those things made you somehow asexual for a period. It means you know all bad affects of being pushed or doing things you don't feel/want. I guess you are the one who can understand your partner the best. I know how difficult and damaging it is to give up yourself for a sexual partner as an ace. In this kind of situations love cannot cover everything forever. What i suggest is that if it is not enough for you don't try too hard. It will only hurt but nothing else

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2 hours ago, Tracy1 said:

kitsune:

 

It appears you knew he was asexual before you got together and you presented yourself as asexual.  That was not fair to him.  Now you realize you are sexual.

 

It seems he is the one who has been compromising by having sex.  He likely is doing it to please you. 

 

It seems you have changed and now the two of you are incompatible. 

 

Why not set him free and set yourself free by breaking up and moving on.

The OP is in a sitaution that a lot of aces find themselves. She thought she was asexual until her first relationship showed her otherwise. Many asexuals think they are sexual until their first relationship. She didnt know she was not just as many asexuals did not know. To blame her is wrong. It is a sucky sitaution to be in. Im pretty sure if she knew what she knows now she would not have gotten into a relationship with an asexual in the first place.

 

OP, you only have one life to live. To spend it in a relationship that makes you miserable is no way to live. This is your first relationship! As much as we wish that love conquers all, there are things we just cant give up for the one we love. You arent being selfish for having your desires. You need sex and your partner does not want sex. Neither of you are wrong. You are just very incompatible. It happens. It is time to move on.

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14 minutes ago, Kai99 said:

The OP is in a sitaution that a lot of aces find themselves. She thought she was asexual until her first relationship showed her otherwise. Many asexuals think they are sexual until their first relationship. She didnt know she was not just as many asexuals did not know. To blame her is wrong. It is a sucky sitaution to be in. Im pretty sure if she knew what she knows now she would not have gotten into a relationship with an asexual in the first place.

 

OP, you only have one life to live. To spend it in a relationship that makes you miserable is no way to live. This is your first relationship! As much as we wish that love conquers all, there are things we just cant give up for the one we love. You arent being selfish for having your desires. You need sex and your partner does not want sex. Neither of you are wrong. You are just very incompatible. It happens. It is time to move on.

Kai:

 

I find it amusing that you ASSUME I am blaming, so you lecture me about blaming as you blame me for your assumption without asking for clarification first. 

 

Where did I blame her?  I simply laid out the facts.  I think there is no point in tiptoeing around the issue.  They are as I pointed out and YOU pointed out incompatible.

 

Furthermore, It seems, too, that I simply offered the same advice you did.  She has one life to live.  She is unhappy.  She is young.  Moving on is wise.

 

The fact is that he always presented himself as not wanting sex, so there is no reason to assume on anyone's part that his attitude will change.  Nor was there any reason to be surprised that he has not changed.

 

Yes, it is a fact that it is unfair to present yourself as asexual when you are not and then get upset when your partner remains asexual and you don't.  I think a person needs to own that. It's not blaming. It's just pointing out the obvious.

 

 

 

 

 

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She didnt present herself as asexual, she thought she was asexual. Big difference. Just as many asexuals get into relationships with sexuals thinking they were average. Would you accuse asexuals of presenting themselves as sexuals? Saying that they are "presenting" themselves implies that the person is purposely pretending to be something they arent, which isnt the case here. The OP had no ideal they were actually sexual.

 

Also, the OP stated that the boyfriend was a grey asexual, and he was known in kink circles. Sex was already on the table at the start of the relationship. The boyfriend obviously lost interest in it.

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5 hours ago, Kai99 said:

The OP is in a sitaution that a lot of aces find themselves. She thought she was asexual until her first relationship showed her otherwise. Many asexuals think they are sexual until their first relationship. She didnt know she was not just as many asexuals did not know. To blame her is wrong. It is a sucky sitaution to be in. Im pretty sure if she knew what she knows now she would not have gotten into a relationship with an asexual in the first place.

 

OP, you only have one life to live. To spend it in a relationship that makes you miserable is no way to live. This is your first relationship! As much as we wish that love conquers all, there are things we just cant give up for the one we love. You arent being selfish for having your desires. You need sex and your partner does not want sex. Neither of you are wrong. You are just very incompatible. It happens. It is time to move on.

 

Its not my first relationship, it's my third but the best. I love my partner. My previous relationship was 2 years of torture, I was being cheated on and emotionally abused. He was the wrong person and I was repulsed with intimacy because of him. He was extremely manipulative and older than me which is the only reason I didn't leave. 

When I fell for my current partner, there was love and trust and I suddenly developed sexual urges. 

I love him and don't want to leave, I just need to figure out how to calm myself down when I get upset. I can spend all night up freaking out and getting frustrated but when I wake up the next morning I feel so ashamed of myself because I am so happy waking up next to him. 

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2 minutes ago, Kitsune1197 said:

 

Its not my first relationship, it's my third but the best. I love my partner. My previous relationship was 2 years of torture, I was being cheated on and emotionally abused. He was the wrong person and I was repulsed with intimacy because of him. He was extremely manipulative and older than me which is the only reason I didn't leave. 

When I fell for my current partner, there was love and trust and I suddenly developed sexual urges. 

I love him and don't want to leave, I just need to figure out how to calm myself down when I get upset. I can spend all night up freaking out and getting frustrated but when I wake up the next morning I feel so ashamed of myself because I am so happy waking up next to him. 

But how your dealing with it doesnt seem healthy. How your relationship is now(little to no sex) could either stay the same(bad) or get worse. If your planning on staying with him, you have to consider the possibility of it getting worse. Plenty of asexual/sexual relationships start off compromising, but as time goes by, for whatever reason an indifferent asexual can become completely sex repulse and refuse any sexual contact whatsoever. How it is already affecting your self worth is troublesome. Leaving him will be painful, but staying with him will also be painful. It is a hard decision.

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11 minutes ago, Kai99 said:

But how your dealing with it doesnt seem healthy. How your relationship is now(little to no sex) could either stay the same(bad) or get worse. If your planning on staying with him, you have to consider the possibility of it getting worse. Plenty of asexual/sexual relationships start off compromising, but as time goes by, for whatever reason an indifferent asexual can become completely sex repulse and refuse any sexual contact whatsoever. How it is already affecting your self worth is troublesome. Leaving him will be painful, but staying with him will also be painful. It is a hard decision.

Thank you. I love the honesty on this page, it's really helping me think this through. I have also made an appointment to see a qualified Sex therapist who specialises in LGBT relationships. 

I know it must be super difficult for my partner and I know leaving would really hurt him because it's not his fault so I want to try everything before I make such a big decision. Thank you 

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9 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Clearly it would be silly to expect any relationship to be wall to wall bliss.  But there's a level at which the pain involved outweighs the pleasure, and is also actively damaging to the people involved. It's a bit weird to posit bliss and love as exclusive. 

If you're mentally ill, there's no way around that pain in order to improve on your issues. Bliss and love aren't exclusive, putting your own needs over those of your partner's and love are.

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Telecaster68
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putting your own needs over those of your partner's and love are.

It's perfectly possible to love somebody and be unhappy because of who they are - abusers, for instance. You're being too absolute.

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What does being unhappy with who they are, have to do with putting their needs ahead of your own? You can want to change someone you love, but you'd do it for their sake, not for yours.

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Telecaster68
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What does being unhappy with who they are, have to do with putting their needs ahead of your own? You can want to change someone you love, but you'd do it for their sake, not for yours.

Their need may be something that makes you deeply miserable. You're saying wanting them to curtail that need means they don't love you.

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putting your own needs over those of your partner's and love are [exclusive]

 

C wants you to curtail your sexual need because it makes her miserable. Does that mean she doesn't love you?

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I notice that you were a victim of a childhood assault? Have you had any counseling lately? Because it sounds like you're really struggling with self-esteem and insecurity about your body and your self-worth, and while being a sexual person with an asexual partner can trigger those feelings, those are also feelings that abuse survivors tend to be particularly vulnerable to feeling in general. I've been working on a lot of similar things in counseling myself, like my tendency to assume that someone else in a bad mood is automatically mad at me for something I've done wrong.    

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10 hours ago, Ettina said:

I notice that you were a victim of a childhood assault? Have you had any counseling lately? Because it sounds like you're really struggling with self-esteem and insecurity about your body and your self-worth, and while being a sexual person with an asexual partner can trigger those feelings, those are also feelings that abuse survivors tend to be particularly vulnerable to feeling in general. I've been working on a lot of similar things in counseling myself, like my tendency to assume that someone else in a bad mood is automatically mad at me for something I've done wrong.    

I am currently having trauma counselling 😌 I am hoping that sex therapy/counselling may also help me

I really want to be able to have less sex, I want to make my partner happy. I get sexually frustrated and I can't help it because my body has other ideas and so I'm just really pissed with myself not being able to hold back and focus on other things. I know it's probably normal for a sexual person but I hate it so much. 

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