Sexual boyfriend embarassed by me

[Telecaster68]

2 minutes ago, Acing It said:

The first thing that came to my mind when I read your original post was 'male pride' and fear of his friends thinking less of him, making fun of him etc... of him not having sex. Could this be the context he said that in? (not to tell your friends and family)

As a straight male, I'd be 95% sure that was what it was about.

[MrDane]

I dont know much about the sex in my friends relationships. We dont talk about it. Neither do we talk about our sex life, my wife and me, that is! I assume they have sex and i am pretty sure they love eachother. In what way and how much and why is not really bothering me.

 

if my wife tells about her asexuality, then it would bring the topic to the table and OUR sex life would be, what she talked about. The relationship between an asexual and a sexual. She is, of course, allowed to do so. I am also allowed to be annoyed at having someone peek into my private affairs. 

 

I am just not sure, what they are going to use that information for. 

 

[Private]

42 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

No perhaps, and 'most' rather than 'some'.

 

What's free will got to do with it? The husband actually meant 'I'm sexually frustrated because although I have the free choice, I don't want to go to a prostitute'? Even if he did, and most people assumed that was his meaning (which they won't), it's still implying his wife isn't interested in sex, or some particular sexual act he wants, otherwise why bring up going to a prostitute?

 

Marriage implies monogamy. When you're married, and you talk about your sex life, it implies your spouse is involved, even if it means you're not having any sex with them.

Look The original poster's boyfriend should not be broadcasting personal details about the realtionship.  That is first and foremost.

 

I never assume that "MOST would assume"  anything.

 

That would be generalizing and stereotyping.  I do not do those things. 

 

Every adult in civilized countries has free will and can call their own shots.

 

If said person is unhappy, said person is responsible to find his own happiness.  Finding happiness can not be outsourced to one's spouse.

 

Yes, marriage implies monogamy and expectation of our spouse being respectful of your marital privacy.  The operative word being IMPLIES.   Obviously a lot of people break marriage vows and do not care.  Heck most people do not even listen to their marriage vows.  They just parrot them when being married.

 

Maybe the complainer is frustrated because he gets no satisfaction from porn or masturbation.  How does that include his wife?

 

Maybe said complainer is sexually frustrated because he does not have strong enough orgasms, or he feels his parts are too small, or maybe his jockeys are too tight and strangle his parts and he has now lost the ability to get an erection.

 

Geesh, Telecaster, there are a world of possibilities that may not implicate anyone but the complainer.

 

Also, if one is sexually frustrated, there are options beyond visiting a call girls or having a one nighter.

 

 

[Telecaster68]

Quote

Look The original poster's boyfriend should not be broadcasting personal details about the realtionship.  That is first and foremost

Right. Well that's what she wants to do, and doesn't understand why her boyfriend has a problem with it. Since you disagree with her, you must understand why he has a problem with it. We're not arguing.

 

All the rest of your post is just chaff, since it's addressing a load of if's and buts and analogies that came up as part of the discussion.

[Private]

10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Right. Well that's what she wants to do, and doesn't understand why her boyfriend has a problem with it. Since you disagree with her, you must understand why he has a problem with it. We're not arguing.

 

All the rest of your post is just chaff, since it's addressing a load of if's and buts and analogies that came up as part of the discussion.

The original boyfriend should not and she should not be complaining to mutual friends or non-mutual friends about their issues.  And, neither should the poster.

 

If they have issues, they need to communicate with each other.   If they can not, they need to seek out a counselor who can help them facilitate constructive discussion with the goal of making a decision.

 

The options are:

 

Stay in the marriage and accept the spouse as asexual without gossiping behind the spouse's back.

 

Or suggest an amicable divorce so that both can be happy with someone who feels as they do about sex.

 

When you see your counselor are you going to tell her some of or all of her points are just "Chaff"?

 

You know also, one man's chaff is another man's treasure.

 

Chaff as in corn husks, hulls, bran etc. can have valuable uses, if one opens their mind about chaff. 

 

It would be wasteful to discard the chaff thoughtlessly. 

[Telecaster68]

She's not complaining about their relationship, she's embracing her asexuality and telling everyone she's asexual. It's all in the first post: 'I want to shout about it' was the phrase, I think.

 

[Private]

Just now, Telecaster68 said:

She's not complaining about their relationship, she's embracing her asexuality and telling everyone she's asexual. It's all in the first post: 'I want to shout about it' was the phrase, I think.

 

I understand that.

 

Your are missing my point.  Personal issues within a marriage should remain within the marriage.  It's disrespectful to share such personal details with friends who MAY gossip or misuse the information, or even use it against the one who is telling them the information.

 

That is what counselors are for and they are ethically bound to NOT DISCUSS YOUR CASE  with others.

[Private]

Telecaster:

 

To add:  The bottom line is respect.

 

If posters SO does not want to tell other people, she should respect that. 

 

With the exception of discussing it anonymously on a forum.

 

But I can totally understand why this man would want his personal sex life kept personal.

[Telecaster68]

Quote

If posters SO does not want to tell other people, she should respect that. 

Yes, that's always been my position.

[Private]

4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yes, that's always been my position.

Okay.  So than we agree about the "gossiping"  issue.

 

There were other points you made in your many posts and I was addressing those points.

[lec16]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Because it's not about her, it's about her partner.

Because in 50% of AVEN asexuality does mean no sex, and in the real world, amongst non-AVENites that's the assumption that will be made, so that's what her partner has to deal with.

 

Really? So all those posts about people being invalidated by reactions when they come out, are in fact not their problem. So what are they whining about then?

Because it's a relationship, not family. It's not being controlled by someone else to regard your partner's wellbeing as importantly as your own.

..... Telecaster, HER orientation is about HER. Her original post was about being able to say "Hey! I'm asexual! I discovered my orientation!" That is not about her partner. This is not about her going and saying "My SO and I have sex 3x per week" or "We do this in bed." You are conflating orientation with sexual activity, as I have said before. It is not objectively the OP's problem to predict and assume what assumptions people will have about what her orientation means for her relationship with her SO. Kinda funny to try to avoid assumptions based on.... assumptions? rather than any hard evidence. As someone who has come out to people, the only questions I've gotten about my sex life were from people whom I didn't know very well (talking about 1st date coming out talk) and people on the internet. A very small number. So, if we're basing this on actual evidence as opposed to your assumptions based on your heterosexual experience, if the OP comes out to friends the conversation is going to most likely stay on the topic of her orientation rather than the sexual experiences she has with her SO. And if it doesn't, I'm pretty sure any mature person and good friend would hear "I don't want to talk about that" or "That's between me and my SO, thanks" and drop the subject. Considering so many sexual people on here advocate for how little sexual people actually bring sex up in everyday conversation, you'd think that sexual people would have the same tact in this situation as they seem to have with their sexual friends.

 

People can choose to make something their problem. I can choose to hunt down everyone who has ever spread a rumor about me and tell them "That was inappropriate!!!! I am going to convince you not to do that!!!!!" but in reality, objectively speaking, it is not my problem what comes out of other people's mouths or what assumptions they make or false conclusions they draw from one piece of evidence. Like right now, I am making it my problem to try and converse with you about this. Objectively speaking, it's not a requirement that I try to lay out my side of the argument (because it's not truly my problem) and tell you that controlling the actions of your partner like this when telling a friend your sexual orientation is not acceptable. I didn't have to get involved.

 

[MrDane]

On 8/1/2017 at 1:23 AM, JessicaFaye said:

I've recently realised that I'm asexual, im still learning about all the terms and different types of asexuality so forgive my ignorance on all of this. 

Im a 25y/o asexual female, in a relationship with a sexual male. When I finally worked out that what I felt towarda sex was not abnormal, had a name and an explanation I was relieved and scared at the same time. I'd given 6 years of my life to a man and promised the rest of my life with him as a sexual partner, how would he take it.  

I told him, and he didnt believe it at first, didnt understand it really. But after some deep and upsetting conversations,  he accepted it and even agreed that he thinks the orientation fits. He was amazingly supportive, but there was just one thing he said that niggled me. 

He asked me not to tell anyone, eapecially our friends. He doesnt want them to know about our sex life. he said its nothing like being homosexual, because thats just stating who you're attracted to not weather you're having sex or not. 

I keep going back and forth with how I feel about this. one minute I understand and think fair enough, its no ones business. The next minute I think why cant I? I feel more free and liberated since the realisation of my asexuality than I ever have in my life, so sometimes I just want to shout it out to people! 

 

I just wondered how other peoples partners or other people in general have been about this? 

Am I being dramatic or unfair? He was so brilliant when I was working through it, I feel bad for wanting to tell people. 

 

Dear Jess...

I dont think the boyfriend is embarressed about you. He is embarrassed about you saying that he is not able to make you want/desire him. "No innate desire" is hard to understand for most sexuals since sexual attraction feels so hardwired into us, so most people will see this as a result of the boring sex in your relationship, and will probably not be seen as much different than someone with a low libido.  You are happy about realizing who you are, but is he also happy or did he wish for something else?

maybe it will be okay to tell the world later, but I think he needs to settle with this information first. I migth be getting there in my relationship, where I would be okay with being open about our sexual mis-match.

 

 

[Telecaster68]

Lec

 

There are two people in the relationship. 

[Sally]

2 hours ago, lec16 said:

..... Telecaster, HER orientation is about HER. Her original post was about being able to say "Hey! I'm asexual! I discovered my orientation!" That is not about her partner. This is not about her going and saying "My SO and I have sex 3x per week" or "We do this in bed." You are conflating orientation with sexual activity, as I have said before. It is not objectively the OP's problem to predict and assume what assumptions people will have about what her orientation means for her relationship with her SO. Kinda funny to try to avoid assumptions based on.... assumptions? rather than any hard evidence. As someone who has come out to people, the only questions I've gotten about my sex life were from people whom I didn't know very well (talking about 1st date coming out talk) and people on the internet. A very small number. So, if we're basing this on actual evidence as opposed to your assumptions based on your heterosexual experience, if the OP comes out to friends the conversation is going to most likely stay on the topic of her orientation rather than the sexual experiences she has with her SO. And if it doesn't, I'm pretty sure any mature person and good friend would hear "I don't want to talk about that" or "That's between me and my SO, thanks" and drop the subject. Considering so many sexual people on here advocate for how little sexual people actually bring sex up in everyday conversation, you'd think that sexual people would have the same tact in this situation as they seem to have with their sexual friends.

 

People can choose to make something their problem. I can choose to hunt down everyone who has ever spread a rumor about me and tell them "That was inappropriate!!!! I am going to convince you not to do that!!!!!" but in reality, objectively speaking, it is not my problem what comes out of other people's mouths or what assumptions they make or false conclusions they draw from one piece of evidence. Like right now, I am making it my problem to try and converse with you about this. Objectively speaking, it's not a requirement that I try to lay out my side of the argument (because it's not truly my problem) and tell you that controlling the actions of your partner like this when telling a friend your sexual orientation is not acceptable. I didn't have to get involved.

 

None of what you said above has anything to do with the feelings of the partner -- the boyfriend of the OP.   If you're in a relationship, you supposedly care about their feelings.  Possibly you'd choose not to shout to  the world about your  own asexuality because being  IN that relationship, your boyfriend would be involved.

 

But  if you choose (yes, that word again) to simply say "Hey, boyfriend, this  is all about me, and if anyone decides to include you because you're my partner, well, hell, that's their problem!  And your problem!"

 

Sheesh.   Only about one  commenter above seems to understand what Tele is very clearly saying.  

[Telecaster68]

Quote

  Only about one  commenter above seems to understand what Tele is very clearly saying

Oh, I'm doing better than usual then... 

[Guest]

Ok, so I'm coming at this from a really weird position. My partner, the asexual, is super not cool with me ever using that word or telling anyone. Or at least, she used to be... in the last year she's gotten much more vocal about it (and by much more vocal, I think she's maybe mentioned it to a couple people). I, on the other hand, tend to bleed my thoughts and feelings everywhere, so all of my friends, coworkers, etc, know that we don't have sex, that I hang out on AVEN, etc. I have agreed, however, to never talk about it with mutual friends or family. I feel like that's a fine compromise. She should have a right to represent herself however she chooses to the people in her life. I also have the right to talk about my life and relationship, and not having sex is definitely a part of that.

 

What taught me to be more careful about talking about it is that I had to dump a handful of friends because of it. After years of constantly being told I shouldn't stay with my partner, I couldn't take it anymore. Even after they stopped talking about it, I knew that's how the felt. It ruined my friendships. So now I don't really have friends and I definitely don't speak openly about my relationship except with specific people.

 

OP... please keep in mind this is very new to him... he will get more comfortable with it over time, I can almost guarantee that.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Tracy1 said:

Look The original poster's boyfriend should not be broadcasting personal details about the realtionship.  That is first and foremost.

 

I never assume that "MOST would assume"  anything.

 

That would be generalizing and stereotyping.  I do not do those things. 

 

Every adult in civilized countries has free will and can call their own shots.

 

If said person is unhappy, said person is responsible to find his own happiness.  Finding happiness can not be outsourced to one's spouse.

 

Yes, marriage implies monogamy and expectation of our spouse being respectful of your marital privacy.  The operative word being IMPLIES.   Obviously a lot of people break marriage vows and do not care.  Heck most people do not even listen to their marriage vows.  They just parrot them when being married.

 

Maybe the complainer is frustrated because he gets no satisfaction from porn or masturbation.  How does that include his wife?

 

Maybe said complainer is sexually frustrated because he does not have strong enough orgasms, or he feels his parts are too small, or maybe his jockeys are too tight and strangle his parts and he has now lost the ability to get an erection.

 

Geesh, Telecaster, there are a world of possibilities that may not implicate anyone but the complainer.

 

Also, if one is sexually frustrated, there are options beyond visiting a call girls or having a one nighter.

 

 

You very clearly don't understand mixed relationships or the role sex plays in the lives of sexuals. Most of what you said doesn't make much sense and you seem to have a lot of hostility toward sexuals.

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Skullery Maid said:

You very clearly don't understand mixed relationships or the role sex plays in the lives of sexuals. Most of what you said doesn't make much sense and you seem to have a lot of hostility toward sexuals.

 

Agreed.

 

5 hours ago, Tracy1 said:

Look The original poster's boyfriend should not be broadcasting personal details about the realtionship.  That is first and foremost.

 

I never assume that "MOST would assume"  anything.

 

That would be generalizing and stereotyping.  I do not do those things. 

 

Every adult in civilized countries has free will and can call their own shots.

 

If said person is unhappy, said person is responsible to find his own happiness.  Finding happiness can not be outsourced to one's spouse.

 

Yes, marriage implies monogamy and expectation of our spouse being respectful of your marital privacy.  The operative word being IMPLIES.   Obviously a lot of people break marriage vows and do not care.  Heck most people do not even listen to their marriage vows.  They just parrot them when being married.

 

Maybe the complainer is frustrated because he gets no satisfaction from porn or masturbation.  How does that include his wife?

 

Maybe said complainer is sexually frustrated because he does not have strong enough orgasms, or he feels his parts are too small, or maybe his jockeys are too tight and strangle his parts and he has now lost the ability to get an erection.

 

Geesh, Telecaster, there are a world of possibilities that may not implicate anyone but the complainer.

 

Also, if one is sexually frustrated, there are options beyond visiting a call girls or having a one nighter.

 

 

For the vast majority of sexual couples, sexual contact between the two of them is an integral aspect of the intimacy in their relationship. It's not the same in any way, shape, or form if one just masturbates alone. Sexual intimacy, for many sexual people, is an extremely important part of their relationship. If their parter persistently doesn't want sex, it's understandable that the sexual person will become upset and sexually frustrated (though of course that's no excuse for that partner to go telling everyone about the issues they're having)

[Private]

17 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

 

 

For the vast majority of sexual couples, sexual contact between the two of them is an integral aspect of the intimacy in their relationship. It's not the same in any way, shape, or form if one just masturbates alone. Sexual intimacy, for many sexual people, is an extremely important part of their relationship. If their parter persistently doesn't want sex, it's understandable that the sexual person will become upset and sexually frustrated (though of course that's no excuse for that partner to go telling everyone about the issues they're having)

Oh I agree. 

 

But the fact is that asexuals do not feel the same way.  Sexual intimacy need not be involved in an intimate relationship.

 

This is after all a site billing itself as asexuality.org. 

 

So why are you surprised that the asexuals have no interest in sex and do not understand a sexuals need for sex?

 

You do not appear to understand an asexuals lack of need for sex.  That's okay, too.  IMO, it's normal to be limited in your comprehension of an asexual's feelings

 

 

[Private]

19 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

You very clearly don't understand mixed relationships or the role sex plays in the lives of sexuals. Most of what you said doesn't make much sense and you seem to have a lot of hostility toward sexuals.

 

I understand the stated role by sexuals that sex plays in the life of a sexual.  I understand that they feel sex is important.  Do sexuals understand that sex is NOT important to an asexual. 

 

From my perspective it appears that you have a lot of hostility toward asexuals.  You do realize you are on a forum that bills itself as asexuality.org.  This is suppose to be a safe place for asexuals to post their feelings.  Yet when I do, a sexual starts screaming that I am hostile. 

 

I understand that sex is important to a sexual.

 

My opinion, is that the asexuals and sexuals do not make lasting marriage partners.  

 

I base this on my own experience. 

 

 

[Lara Black]

On 08.01.2017 at 3:23 AM, JessicaFaye said:

He asked me not to tell anyone, eapecially our friends. He doesnt want them to know about our sex life. he said its nothing like being homosexual, because thats just stating who you're attracted to not weather you're having sex or not. 

 

I just wondered how other peoples partners or other people in general have been about this? 

Am I being dramatic or unfair? He was so brilliant when I was working through it, I feel bad for wanting to tell people. 

 

Hello, Jessica.

I don’t tell any of my friends that my partner is asexual, either. And that’s even taking into account that I’ve entered this relationship knowingly – he told me about his orientation beforehand. I don’t want people projecting their misguided stereotypes about asexuality on him or on our relationships. Or – on me, for that matter, because I’m with an asexual.

Dealing with your asexuality is one thing, dealing with rumors and (imaginary) hushed murmurs behind our back is a totally different thing. So it might have nothing to do with your partner being embarrassed of you – he might not want other people to twist the good thing you have, according to their understanding of asexuality.

[Private]

48 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Hello, Jessica.

I don’t tell any of my friends that my partner is asexual, either. And that’s even taking into account that I’ve entered this relationship knowingly – he told me about his orientation beforehand. I don’t want people projecting their misguided stereotypes about asexuality on him or on our relationships. Or – on me, for that matter, because I’m with an asexual.

Dealing with your asexuality is one thing, dealing with rumors and (imaginary) hushed murmurs behind our back is a totally different thing. So it might have nothing to do with your partner being embarrassed of you – he might not want other people to twist the good thing you have, according to their understanding of asexuality.

Wow, Lara,  So eloquently stated.  Well stated on all counts.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Tracy1 said:

Oh I agree. 

 

But the fact is that asexuals do not feel the same way.  Sexual intimacy need not be involved in an intimate relationship.

 

This is after all a site billing itself as asexuality.org. 

 

So why are you surprised that the asexuals have no interest in sex and do not understand a sexuals need for sex?

 

You do not appear to understand an asexuals lack of need for sex.  That's okay, too.  IMO, it's normal to be limited in your comprehension of an asexual's feelings

 

 

I've been asexual since I first started having sex at 17 (I'm 28 now) and found I have no ability to enjoy it or desire it, especially if I'm only having to give it due to the fact that someone else needs it. I had a 5 year long relationship with a sexual person who knew for a fact that I didn't enjoy or want sex, but still expected that I give it. I don't identify as asexual as of very recently, despite the fact that I could happily go the rest of my life without having sex and haven't actually had it in 6 years now (and have never enjoyed it back when I did have it for the sake of my ex partner). I've moved away from sexuality labels. But yeah, I have a full understanding of the asexual experience having lived it for many years, and since joining AVEN had an 18 month long relationship with an asexual in which we were perfectly sexually compatible (as in, no sex, lol)

 

However, it doesn't matter if the ace doesn't want sex, the sexual still does and will (often)become sexually frustrated and unhappy without it. You seem to always be saying that there must be something wrong with the sexual if they're experiencing sexual frustration or whatever (you listed all sorts of things in the comment I was replying to of yours) as though you think that somehow just because the asexual doesn't want sex the sexual won't either? People have just been trying to explain to you that sexuals will still desire sex with their partner regardless (even if they understand the ace doesn't want it which is glaringly obvious) and you seem to be constantly arguing that we're wrong and blaming it on "not understanding asexuals". We do all understand asexuality, but just because a sexual has an asexual partner doesn't mean the sexual won't feel sexual frustration at not having sex (many sexual people still feel sexual frustration even if their ace partner gives them sex, because the sex itself isn't as important as having someone else actively want it as much as you do. An asexual can never replicate that desire, even if they can give sex for the sake of their partner)

 

Yes this is asexuality.org, but it's called the Asexuality Visibility and Eductation Network. Nowhere does that imply only asexuals are allowed here, just that this is a network aimed at the visibility and education of asexuality (it fails at the second part, but let's just ignore that for now lol)

[Private]

17 minutes ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

 

However, it doesn't matter if the ace doesn't want sex, the sexual still does and will become sexually frustrated and unhappy without it. You seem to always be saying that there must be something wrong with the sexual if they're experiencing sexual frustration or whatever (you listed all sorts of things in the comment I was replying to of yours) as though you think that somehow just because the asexual doesn't want sex the sexual won't either?

 

People have just been trying to explain to you that sexuals will still desire sex with their partner regardless, and you seem to be constantly arguing that we're wrong and blaming it on "not understanding asexuals".

 

Geesh.  You sound grumpy.  Are you?

 

I can not help the way you interpret my statements.   I can only tell you that you misinterpreted them.

 

Of course the sexual still wants sex if in a relationship with an asexual.   That is the conundrum and That is my point and that is exactly why I feel a marriage between an asexual and a sexual will NOT last in the long haul.

 

Quote

you think that somehow just because the asexual doesn't want sex the sexual won't either?

Are you sure you are reading MY POSTINGS?

 

I NEVER said anything of that nature.  I certainly do not expect a sexual to NOT WANT SEX. 

 

I divorced my sexual husband to set him free.  I CERTAINLY did not expect him to NOT want sex simply because I did not.

 

However, he DID expect me to want sex, even though I identify as asexual and we discussed it extensively.

 

I was never going to convince him to NOT want sex.   Hence I divorced.

 

Perhaps you are confused because I mentioned compromise. 

 

The compromise was that I as an asexual feigned interest in sex for most of my marriage.  Yet, my husband would not accept my asexuality after a long term marriage.

 

Even our counselor suggested that now it was his turn to compromise.  Compromise came up in the discussion and I stated my husband would not compromise while I did for too many years.

 

But the bottom line is, without compromise the marriage an not last.  Simple.  And that was my original point.

[Guest]

On 08/01/2017 at 1:23 PM, JessicaFaye said:

I've recently realised that I'm asexual, im still learning about all the terms and different types of asexuality so forgive my ignorance on all of this. 

Im a 25y/o asexual female, in a relationship with a sexual male. When I finally worked out that what I felt towarda sex was not abnormal, had a name and an explanation I was relieved and scared at the same time. I'd given 6 years of my life to a man and promised the rest of my life with him as a sexual partner, how would he take it.  

I told him, and he didnt believe it at first, didnt understand it really. But after some deep and upsetting conversations,  he accepted it and even agreed that he thinks the orientation fits. He was amazingly supportive, but there was just one thing he said that niggled me. 

He asked me not to tell anyone, eapecially our friends. He doesnt want them to know about our sex life. he said its nothing like being homosexual, because thats just stating who you're attracted to not weather you're having sex or not. 

I keep going back and forth with how I feel about this. one minute I understand and think fair enough, its no ones business. The next minute I think why cant I? I feel more free and liberated since the realisation of my asexuality than I ever have in my life, so sometimes I just want to shout it out to people! 

 

I just wondered how other peoples partners or other people in general have been about this? 

Am I being dramatic or unfair? He was so brilliant when I was working through it, I feel bad for wanting to tell people. 

 

He probably doesn't like the idea of other people knowing you don't desire sex with him, that could have a massive impact on his self-esteem etc (especially if the people you tell are both of your friends). Also, if you both discovered you like to have sex wearing rubber suits, would you want to tell people about that or keep it between the two of you?  It could just be that he wants to keep his sex life private if that makes sense, regardless of what is or isn't happening in it. But either way I don't think it has anything to do with him being embarrassed of you.

 

On 09/01/2017 at 1:27 AM, JessicaFaye said:

Thank you everyone  I appreciate your honesty and advice, I will definitly talk to him and see if there is anyone i know that he would be comfortable with knowing  we are a good team and he is a good man, so im sure we can find the best way for both of us. 

Did you get to talk to him about it to see if there's one person he'd be comfortable with you talking to? I tried scrolling through but didn't see if you'd responded again after this

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, Tracy1 said:

I can not help the way you interpret my statements.   I can only tell you that you misinterpreted them.

 

Of course the sexual still wants sex if in a relationship with an asexual.   That is the conundrum and That is my point and that is exactly why I feel a marriage between an asexual and a sexual will NOT last in the long haul.

 

Are you sure you are reading MY POSTINGS?

 

I NEVER said anything of that nature.  I certainly do not expect a sexual to NOT WANT SEX. 

 

I divorced my sexual husband to set him free.  I CERTAINLY did not expect him to NOT want sex simply because I did not.

 

However, he DID expect me to want sex, even though I identify as asexual and we discussed it extensively.

 

I was never going to convince him to NOT want sex.   Hence I divorced.

 

Yes I've actually read almost every post you've made here in these threads recently, and you seem to have reasonable views when you finally say something like the above quote, I'm not denying that. You're in agreement with me, Tele, and Skulls when you say things like the above quoted text. However there are many things you say that paint sexual people in a less than pleasant light, and seem to come from a lack of understanding about how and why sexual people desire certain things. Certain people (who see things from a different perspective or have a different experience) want to respond to some of what you say to clarify certain things, at which point you get upset and say we don't understand asexuals and are only here to be argumentative etc. The fact is, there are a lot of young people here trying to learn about sexuality, so when I see something being said about sexuals that isn't entirely correct or paints them in a bad light I like to clarify or look at it in a different light so that others reading can get the full perspective, not just one slightly negative view from one poster ("almost all sexual women will be unhappy without penetrative sex" is one of the examples I'm referring to, from another thread). We aren't attacking you or only here to argue though, just trying to give opinions from different perspectives for the sake of others reading.

[Private]

7 minutes ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

Yes I've actually read almost every post you've made here in these threads recently, and you seem to have reasonable views when you finally say something like the above quote, I'm not denying that. You're in agreement with me, Tele, and Skulls when you say things like the above quoted text. However there are many things you say that paint sexual people in a less than pleasant light, and seem to come from a lack of understanding about how and why sexual people desire certain things. Certain people (who see things from a different perspective or have a different experience) want to respond to some of what you say to clarify certain things, at which point you get angry and say we don't understand asexuals and are only here to be argumentative etc. The fact is, there are a lot of young people here trying to learn about sexuality, so when I see something being said about sexuals that isn't entirely correct or paints them in a bad light I like to clarify or look at it in a different light so that others reading can get the full perspective, not just one slightly negative view from one poster ("almost all sexual women will be unhappy without penetrative sex" is one of the examples I'm referring to, from another thread). We aren't attacking you or only here to argue though, just trying to give opinions from different perspectives for the sake of others reading.

Well you see, that is exactly how I feel about your postings.  Sigh!

 

I guess we can not help the way we feel, can we?

 

I do not like sex, other people do.  Most likely neither sexuals or asexuals will fully understand the other, no matter what is discussed.

 

As for people here to learn about sex. .....I do not hold myself out as a teacher.   I am just as confused about life as almost everyone else.

 

This site is not billed as a site that teaches young people about sex.  If it were, I would not post here at all.  

 

 

[Guest]

26 minutes ago, Tracy1 said:

As for people here to learn about sex. .....I do not hold myself out as a teacher.   I am just as confused about life as almost everyone else.

That's why all everyone can do is give their opinions and experiences, even if that means responding to someone in a way that may seem argumentative when really it's more just "well my experience is utterly different than that so I need to explain this from a different light so others in this thread can see the differing opinions and perspectives" if that makes sense.  There are lot of misunderstandings about sexual people perpetuated right throughout these forums, so members who have a more varied understanding of sexuality as a whole (because they are sexual or ace with a lot of sexual experience) try to respond to those views from a different perspective for the sake of clarity on the situation.

 

26 minutes ago, Tracy1 said:

This site is not billed as a site that teaches young people about sex.  If it were, I would not post here at all.  

It's not billed that way, but many thousands of users here are between the ages of like 13 and 17 or are older but never received sexual education and are literally utterly naive about sex.  Many of these people have never even had sex, and only have limited knowledge of what sexual people think and feel based on what they see on TV or in the behaviour of their sexual teen peers growing up.  Neither of which really give an accurate outline of what actually motivates and drives adult sexual people in their sexual interactions with others, how important the emotional aspects of sex are, etc etc. The only knowledge about sexuality these kids can gain here is when they read the posts of other more experienced members, so in my mind it's very important to try to balance viewpoints out with multiple perspectives so kids don't think it's all one way or all the other. Like if someone says "sexual people would rather starve than go without sex" (the sort of example we see around here sometimes) others will respond saying "well actually, some sexual people enjoy food more than sex regardless of the situation, some enjoy sex more than even their most favourite foods, but very few would actually choose sex if it was a choice between sex and literal starvation" .. it's just about balancing out the views because you never know when a very young person might be reading and getting ideas about what sexuality is and is not based on experiences here. If they can see multiple opinions and perspectives they'll hopefully realise that sexuality isn't a "one box fits all thing" and varies massively from person to person. The experiences they read about and knowledge they gain will hopefully give them more a more balanced perspective with which to explore their own orientation and understanding as to whether or not they may be asexual or sexual (which is what many young people come here trying to learn) 

 

In short, all perspectives are important as long as no one is breaking ToS, it just so happens that many people's opinions and experiences are extremely different which can sadly lead to hostility (though that's the same no matter where you go in life!)

[Guest]

On 1/11/2017 at 4:29 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Snow 

 

How on earth can you discuss your feelings without revealing what's behind those feelings? 

 

 

Very easily?

 

Here:

 

The label I am probably closest to is asexual heteroromantic. I have tried BDSM, not exactly my thing but I am not against it, some of it can be fun if the partner wants it, I would never personally suggest it for me though. I am not totally against sex, but I find it boring and it would have to be not too frequent, if at all. I've tried to get the poly thing to work, but it's just not my cup of tea. 

 

Now, if stating my personal feelings on things is so revealing about my partner, answer me these questions:

What orientation is my partner?

Do I have a sexual relationship with my partner, or plans to have one? 

Do I have a fetish relationship with my partner? If so, what ones? 

 

Or... did I only reveal things about myself and you really don't have a clue what my partner and I do or don't do? 

[banana monkey]

On 12/01/2017 at 3:11 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

If the OP talks to their best friend in confidence, I have no objection to that. I think it's dangerous to require such strict secrecy about a relationship that you have no source of help or support if something is happening within the relationship that really shouldn't be. Coming out is different from telling one person in confidence. It's not talking about it because you need support, it's talking about it because you want the information to get out. You do it to increase visibility and so you can live your life openly without worrying about exposure. For example, you can participate in a pride march without worrying about whether you will end up on TV or in the paper. That sort of thing is not very consistent with maintaining a relationship with a heterosexual partner who never signed up for this.

This makes me wonder the reason why i come out to those i have come out too. 

 

most people i have come out to I havent done so because i need support but because i want them to know what i consider to be an important part of my personality.  but when i disclose to them, i consider it to be a highly personal piece of information I know i can trust them to keep confidential. In some cases, i have come out to certain people so i could be more active in the community (eg. when i went to a meetup for the first time, i said I went to a meetup and thus came out to that person as the implication) and now I am quite open about when i have been to a meetup at the weekend. In this case, its about self -disclosure to build trust and be the real person I am rather than pretending to be someone I am not and having people close to me assume I have sex ( because it makes me uncomfortable if they assume i have/like sex and it feels like I am lying to them) Whilst I understand the hetrosexual partner does not want sex life broadcasted (i wouldnt either) and did not sign up for it, I dont think the OP should have to pretend she is someone she is not if she doesnt want to. I feel that pretending to be someone you are not is very wrong but that is a personal opinion. 

 

edit - that said, I understand that in a relationship you should consider and care about your partner's feelings (and I would if I were in one) so maybe OP should do that but your post has just made me realise, I personally would be uncomfortable with that if it prevented me from being open about the person I am to those I care about and socialise with. I think if i wasn't it would make me slightly two - faced.