Sexual boyfriend embarassed by me

[Private]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were flirting.

Well. I hope you know better.

 

Why do SOME men think that any women that converses with them is flirting?  

 

I always found that rather fascinating because I am typically tongue tied around someone I am attracted to.   I seem to lose my voice when I am attracted to someone, I don't get chatty.  I am only chatty with friend zoned peeps.

[Telecaster68]

4 minutes ago, Tracy1 said:

Well, the counselor is a good start and a better bet than a friend for real valuable advice.

Okay, so having established that, what's your response to the substantive point?

[Private]

3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Okay, so having established that, what's your response to the substantive point?

I know you already know my thoughts on that.  Why go in circles.

 

You might say you see squirrels.

[Telecaster68]

Nearly all Geoff's friends - certainly the close ones - know his wife well, and see her often. By the 'it's only your business' logic, it's fine for Geoff to go into a general announcement that he no longer has sex, and explain why - his wife's choice - which will inevitably either get into details about her, or leave people who know them both to make their own, inevitably wrong, assumptions about what's going on

 

I don't, actually, but I'd surmise you think it's fine for Geoff to announce 'I no longer have sex' and let his friends speculate on what was going on with his wife.

 

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Oh come on. You surely don't think that anyone will hear you say that and not consider your partner's role in your sexual frustration?

If they do, so what? You're not giving them details on what you and your partner do. It could be 500 things. You're not having sex as often as you like, you're not getting anal and want it, you're not getting your fetish fulfilled, etc, etc. If I'm distracted people assume my partner has a role in that, but that doesn't mean I'm talking about them (seriously, I missed a corn kernel doing the dishes and they blamed my partner for that). If I say I'm stressed, they assume my partner has a role in that, whether he does or not. Anything you say people will assume things about your partner. That doesn't  mean I'm going to stop talking about my feelings to people I care about just so they don't make assumptions. 

 

9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

People making ignorant assumptions about someone you love because of something you've said is exactly the reason you need their agreement before you say anything.

Oh, so I need my partner's permission to tell people things I like since he doesn't want people to know what we do together, since they'll make assumptions? I'm certainly glad my partner doesn't think that way. Or, I'd have to break up with them. I am not asking permission from a partner to tell my friends anything about myself. About them? Sure. I would never discuss the things they've told me in confidence without their permission. Not my secrets to tell. Mine are though. And we respect each other's freedom to still be ourselves, despite being together. I told them about this conversation and they agree with me on it. 

 

Now, of course, I take hardship that discussing certain things would inflict on a partner into account. And I welcome them telling me their feelings, even if it's being upset at something I am not going to change. My brother didn't lie to his girlfriend's family about being atheist, despite it causing her problems (him not being Godly, them wanting her to break up with him, etc). Lots of things about us can cause our partner's friends/family to consider us "bad" for them. Or to judge them for their choice. And it can put stress on them. Some things aren't worth it to be open about. Hating your mother-in-law's pie isn't worth fighting over, imo. Putting up with your mother-in-law doing a crystal ceremony can be better than honestly telling her you think it's a bunch of nonsense. But, it's still up to the individual if they want to lie about it, or be honest. Not the partner. Saying "You can't tell people X" is trying to control someone. Saying "I might be uncomfortable if you tell people X" is acceptable, breaking up with them cause you can't deal with being with an open (insertlabelhere) is acceptable. Saying "you can't do that!" and feeling like you have a right to do so ... I would consider that way too controlling for my tastes. 

[Private]

7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Nearly all Geoff's friends - certainly the close ones - know his wife well, and see her often. By the 'it's only your business' logic, it's fine for Geoff to go into a general announcement that he no longer has sex, and explain why - his wife's choice - which will inevitably either get into details about her, or leave people who know them both to make their own, inevitably wrong, assumptions about what's going on

 

I don't, actually, but I'd surmise you think it's fine for Geoff to announce 'I no longer have sex' and let his friends speculate on what was going on with his wife.

 

Well, no.  Why would they assume something is going on with your wife.

 

If a friend announced he or she was no longer having sex  I would think maybe he/she was no longer interested.  If he asked for advice, I would suggest counseling, particularly if I was friendly with the other half, too. 

[Sally]

26 minutes ago, Owly McOwlFace said:

. If you said "I am sexually frustrated" to your friends and if they asked for details and you said "That's private", that would be you talking about your feelings... not you talking about activities you two do together. 

Come on, Owly.  If friends knew the couple  was monogamous (and that's pretty easy to tell among long-time friends) and one partner said "I am sexually frustrated", those friends would figure the couple was not having sex.   

[Private]

being "sexually frustrated"  is a relative experience.  It can take many forms.

 

Perhaps one partner likes certain types of sex the other doesn't.  Wouldn't that cause sexual frustration in some.

[Homer]

33 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So here's the flipside of that scenario:

 

Nearly all my friends - certainly the close ones - know my wife well, and see her often. By the 'it's only your business' logic, it's fine for me to go into a general announcement that we no longer have sex, and explain why - her choice - which will inevitably either get into details about her, or leave people who know us both to make their own, inevitably wrong, assumptions about what's going on?

I think that you're comparing both POVs from different "starting points". One would be OP saying "I'm asexual, that means I don't desire partnered sexual activity." Full stop, end of, no further details. But only this is the point where you start looking at the flipside, getting those very details involved when they weren't touched just by claiming "I'm ace."

 

I believe that if people want to make assumptions about your life, your habits or whatever, they'll do so anyway. Regardless of how many details you provide or not.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Sally said:

Come on, Owly.  If friends knew the couple  was monogamous (and that's pretty easy to tell among long-time friends) and one partner said "I am sexually frustrated", those friends would figure the couple was not having sex.   

Again, assumptions are not anyone's problem. If you're not discussing what you do together, you're just discussing your own feelings. When my friend said he was sexually frustrated, it ended up being his girlfriend wouldn't give him anal. Another friend couldn't get oral. Another friend couldn't get his partner to roleplay and normal sex was getting boring, so he was frustrated and unable to feel satisfied. One of my ex's was frustrated because he could only get "turned on" by me talking about the hot blonde he had a thing for (which is where his poly nature really killed it for us) and obviously that's not something I was willing to do much. So, in all those situations, the assumption would be pretty hilariously wrong if you just go by the person feeling sexually frustrated. 

 

Anything you tell someone is going to make them make assumptions about your relationship, as I said. If you're not discussing details of your partner but just your own feelings then you aren't breaking any confidence with your partner. And if you need permission to discuss your own feelings, well, your decision if that's acceptable. But, a relationship itself does not mean a person has a right to control what you discuss about yourself with your friends. That's something you either allow, or you don't. Relationships don't grant that power inherently. 

[Telecaster68]

31 minutes ago, Tracy1 said:

Well, no.  Why would they assume something is going on with your wife.

 

If a friend announced he or she was no longer having sex  I would think maybe he/she was no longer interested.  If he asked for advice, I would suggest counseling, particularly if I was friendly with the other half, too. 

Because clearly sexual frustration implies Geoff wants to have sex but can't, so his wife must be turning him down. 

 

Dear God this is painful. 

[Telecaster68]

Snow 

 

How on earth can you discuss your feelings without revealing what's behind those feelings? And sorry, saying just enough to encourage speculation about what your partner is doing or not doing but then refusing to give details *is* their problem. People are speculating about them because of something you've said. That might not be right, but it will happen and you can't abrogate responsibility for it. You opened the can of worms, not them. 

 

Quote

, the assumption would be pretty hilariously wrong if you just go by the person feeling sexually frustrated. 

... which is why you don't get into it in the first place. 

[lec16]

On 1/7/2017 at 7:23 PM, JessicaFaye said:

I've recently realised that I'm asexual, im still learning about all the terms and different types of asexuality so forgive my ignorance on all of this. 

Im a 25y/o asexual female, in a relationship with a sexual male. When I finally worked out that what I felt towarda sex was not abnormal, had a name and an explanation I was relieved and scared at the same time. I'd given 6 years of my life to a man and promised the rest of my life with him as a sexual partner, how would he take it.  

I told him, and he didnt believe it at first, didnt understand it really. But after some deep and upsetting conversations,  he accepted it and even agreed that he thinks the orientation fits. He was amazingly supportive, but there was just one thing he said that niggled me. 

He asked me not to tell anyone, eapecially our friends. He doesnt want them to know about our sex life. he said its nothing like being homosexual, because thats just stating who you're attracted to not weather you're having sex or not. 

I keep going back and forth with how I feel about this. one minute I understand and think fair enough, its no ones business. The next minute I think why cant I? I feel more free and liberated since the realisation of my asexuality than I ever have in my life, so sometimes I just want to shout it out to people! 

 

I just wondered how other peoples partners or other people in general have been about this? 

Am I being dramatic or unfair? He was so brilliant when I was working through it, I feel bad for wanting to tell people. 

 

Hey there! I think you need to clarify for your SO that asexuality, like homosexuality, is an orientation. If you define asexuality in terms of sexual attraction, you are stating who you are attracted to... and that answer is no one! Based on what you wrote in your post, I think it would be helpful to clarify for him that orientation =/= sexual activity. In fact, you did not even go into detail about whether you are currently having sex with your partner now (and it's not relevant). Your orientation is yours to share and it is your choice whether you feel comfortable sharing with people that you're asexual. If someone asks about your sexual activity, you are always welcome to decline responding.

If you bring this up again to your SO and he reaffirms his previous statement that he refuses to let you tell people about your orientation, I would seriously suggest examining how you feel about that and what it might signify to you regarding his acceptance of you and your orientation. Good luck!

[banana monkey]

17 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

 

And this piece of information, about your partner being asexual won't just be kept to really close, trusting friends when the asexual partner comes out. It'll be part of the information about them in their circle, 

Why not, if someone discloses me a piece of information that sensitive in nature, i keep it to myself unless they ask me to tell someone else. If I felt it necessary to tell others for a valid reason (I cant think how that would ever be the case) i would check with them first, before disclosing. I tend to expect the people i disclose to to do the same (Its not very respectful otherwise) I am out to about 5 people and not one of them have told anyone else even though most of them are work collegues (so it seems they agree with me) So I have about 1 work colleague who does not know because it has never come up in conversation between her and I. I can't believe general society does not behave as my collegues have but maybe I am just very lucky. 

[banana monkey]

17 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

 

And this piece of information, about your partner being asexual won't just be kept to really close, trusting friends when the asexual partner comes out. It'll be part of the information about them in their circle, 

Why not, if someone discloses me a piece of information that sensitive in nature, i keep it to myself unless they ask me to tell someone else. If I felt it necessary to tell others for a valid reason (I cant think how that would ever be the case) i would check with them first, before disclosing. I tend to expect the people i disclose to to do the same (Its not very respectful otherwise) I am out to about 5 people and not one of them have told anyone else even though most of them are work collegues (so it seems they agree with me) So I have about 1 work colleague who does not know because it has never come up in conversation between her and I. I can't believe general society does not behave as my collegues have but maybe I am just very lucky. 

[Telecaster68]

Quote

if someone discloses me a piece of information that sensitive in nature

The OP wants to come out ('I want to shout it out'). This is not confiding in someone, this is issuing a public statement.

[banana monkey]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

The OP wants to come out ('I want to shout it out'). This is not confiding in someone, this is issuing a public statement.

oh that's not how I was interpreting the OP's "come out". When I say I am "out" or have "come out" as asexual, i mean i have told certain people (usually in 1 to 1 situations but it can be to a few people in the same group at once) this now amounts to several people. I dont hide my asexuality personally and I do like to tell people when the time is right (in some cases even those i dont know that well, now i have more confidence) and be out and proud to a certain extent but i dont think telling anyone when it comes up in conversation counts as issuing a public statement. (even if you tell several people in the same circle) I dont know why people come out that way. It just seems too personal. 

 

sorry for the misunderstanding. 

[Telecaster68]

Yeah it's an ambiguous term but the OP is pretty clear.

[nanogretchen4]

If the OP talks to their best friend in confidence, I have no objection to that. I think it's dangerous to require such strict secrecy about a relationship that you have no source of help or support if something is happening within the relationship that really shouldn't be. Coming out is different from telling one person in confidence. It's not talking about it because you need support, it's talking about it because you want the information to get out. You do it to increase visibility and so you can live your life openly without worrying about exposure. For example, you can participate in a pride march without worrying about whether you will end up on TV or in the paper. That sort of thing is not very consistent with maintaining a relationship with a heterosexual partner who never signed up for this.

[lec16]

17 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Snow 

 

How on earth can you discuss your feelings without revealing what's behind those feelings? And sorry, saying just enough to encourage speculation about what your partner is doing or not doing but then refusing to give details *is* their problem. People are speculating about them because of something you've said. That might not be right, but it will happen and you can't abrogate responsibility for it. You opened the can of worms, not them. 

 

... which is why you don't get into it in the first place. 

Tele,

 

Why is it ok for people to assume the OP is heterosexual, but when she clarifies with her friends that she's not, suddenly assumptions are not ok? People are already making assumptions about the OP's orientation and therefore probably her sex life, but it just so happens that heteronormativity normalizes those specific assumptions and makes them "more acceptable" to some people. By your logic, if she were heterosexual she should avoid saying that because people will make assumptions about her sex life between her and her SO. Would this discussion be coming up if she were coming out as heterosexual? Bisexual? Pansexual? Or, is this just because she happens to be asexual, and not being sexual is seen as inherently negative/messed up/disgusting/unacceptable/inhuman because of (hetero)sexual normativity? Those ideas that people have about whether the OP desires sex or not are not her problem.

 

It also seems there is a conflation between asexuality and automatically not having sex (which, based on the OP's post, we actually have no idea if that's the case). We know based on this forum that someone's orientation does not dictate their behavior. As I mentioned earlier, sexual orientation =/= sexual activity. It is not up to the OP to control and attempt to "avoid causing" assumptions in others about her sexual activity. Talking about her orientation literally has nothing to do with whether she is sexually active at any given point in time. And, tbh, if someone makes the assumption that she is not having sex and either criticizes, demeans, mocks, etc. her or her SO for it, again, that is not her problem, and not her SO's problem. That highlights how that specific individual treats others (which it sounds like they're not very accepting), and could be a useful opportunity to tell them that that behavior is unacceptable and that as your friend you expect better.

 

This also reminds me of situations where someone's child would come out as homosexual and the family required that the child stay quiet about it, controlling when the child could talk about it. The family was afraid of being shamed as parents, that it would be assumed the child was having "deviant sex," etc. How is this situation literally any different? How is this situation any different than outing someone? In both situations, someone else is controlling when the person can talk about a piece of themselves and removing the person's control over the situation. Which is totally unacceptable as far as boundaries go.

[Private]

18 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Because clearly sexual frustration implies Geoff wants to have sex but can't, so his wife must be turning him down. 

 

Dear God this is painful. 

Telecaster:

 

No.  Sexual frustration does not clearly,in any way shape or form, give the definitive impression that Geoff wants to have sex, so his wife must be turning him down. 

 

That is a false assumption.  And, yes, it is painful that you can only define sexual frustration as meaning no sex.  Sexually frustration can be caused by all manner of desires being unfulfilled

 

As has been mentioned in other posts, a person may describe himself as sexually frustrated if the wife refuses to roleplay or perform in other ways that someone might find sexually appealing.

[Telecaster68]

In what world does a married man saying he's sexually frustrated not indicate he wants to have sex, and can't, and not implicate his wife?

 

Even if we go with the wife not wanting to do RP or something else, she's still implicated.

[Private]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

In what world does a married man saying he's sexually frustrated not indicate he wants to have sex, and can't, and not implicate his wife?

 

Even if we go with the wife not wanting to do RP or something else, she's still implicated.

Geesh Tele, this IS getting painful........owwwwwwwww!

 

No.  I know some men who have mentioned being sexually frustrated because theY want extra marital sex and their wife won't allow it.  Others claim they are sexually frustrated by having sex with the same woman for years and years. 

 

Sexual frustration does not only come from completely being denied sex by a spouse.

 

 

[Telecaster68]

Quote

Why is it ok for people to assume the OP is heterosexual, but when she clarifies with her friends that she's not, suddenly assumptions are not ok?

Because it's not about her, it's about her partner.

Quote

It also seems there is a conflation between asexuality and automatically not having sex

Because in 50% of AVEN asexuality does mean no sex, and in the real world, amongst non-AVENites that's the assumption that will be made, so that's what her partner has to deal with.

 

Quote

And, tbh, if someone makes the assumption that she is not having sex and either criticizes, demeans, mocks, etc. her or her SO for it, again, that is not her problem, and not her SO's problem

Really? So all those posts about people being invalidated by reactions when they come out, are in fact not their problem. So what are they whining about then?

Quote

The family was afraid of being shamed as parents, that it would be assumed the child was having "deviant sex," etc. How is this situation literally any different?

Because it's a relationship, not family. It's not being controlled by someone else to regard your partner's wellbeing as importantly as your own.

[Telecaster68]

Quote

Sexual frustration does not only come from completely being denied sex by a spouse.

it... just... does...

 

And even if it's not completely denied, the wife is the other half of the husband's sex life, so she will be implicated.

 

Quote

I know some men who have mentioned being sexually frustrated because theY want extra marital sex and their wife won't allow it

Wife is implicated.

 

Quote

Others claim they are sexually frustrated by having sex with the same woman for years and years

Essentially the same thing, and nevertheless, wife is implicated.

 

[Private]

3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

it... just... does...

 

And even if it's not completely denied, the wife is the other half of the husband's sex life, so she will be implicated.

 

Wife is implicated.

 

Essentially the same thing, and nevertheless, wife is implicated.

 

Really?  The wife is implicated.

 

What about the spouse.   My first impression would be that the sexual frustration is the issue of the person who mentioned it.

 

Why?

 

Because one need not remain sexually frustrated in a world where free will exists.

 

 

[Telecaster68]

The issue isn't the frustration, the issue is whether people who know about it will make assumptions about the frustrated person's partner.

[Private]

9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

The issue isn't the frustration, the issue is whether people who know about it will make assumptions about the frustrated person's partner.

I understand that.

 

I would not make the assumption you claim other people make.

 

I agree that perhaps some would ASSUME, it must be your wife's issue.  

 

But I can not agree that all would automatically and sytematically make thae assumption because I would not.  Also, many people I associate would not implicate the wife because again, if you live in an advanced society, we all have free will, if sexually frustrated.

[Telecaster68]

Quote

I agree that perhaps some would ASSUME, it must be your wife's issue.

No perhaps, and 'most' rather than 'some'.

 

Quote

Also, many people I associate would not implicate the wife because again, if you live in an advanced society, we all have free will, if sexually frustrated.

What's free will got to do with it? The husband actually meant 'I'm sexually frustrated because although I have the free choice, I don't want to go to a prostitute'? Even if he did, and most people assumed that was his meaning (which they won't), it's still implying his wife isn't interested in sex, or some particular sexual act he wants, otherwise why bring up going to a prostitute?

 

Marriage implies monogamy. When you're married, and you talk about your sex life, it implies your spouse is involved, even if it means you're not having any sex with them.

[Acing It]

The first thing that came to my mind when I read your original post was 'male pride' and fear of his friends thinking less of him, making fun of him etc... of him not having sex. Could this be the context he said that in? (not to tell your friends and family)

 

Apologies if someone brought this up already...