JessicaFaye Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I've recently realised that I'm asexual, im still learning about all the terms and different types of asexuality so forgive my ignorance on all of this. Im a 25y/o asexual female, in a relationship with a sexual male. When I finally worked out that what I felt towarda sex was not abnormal, had a name and an explanation I was relieved and scared at the same time. I'd given 6 years of my life to a man and promised the rest of my life with him as a sexual partner, how would he take it. I told him, and he didnt believe it at first, didnt understand it really. But after some deep and upsetting conversations, he accepted it and even agreed that he thinks the orientation fits. He was amazingly supportive, but there was just one thing he said that niggled me. He asked me not to tell anyone, eapecially our friends. He doesnt want them to know about our sex life. he said its nothing like being homosexual, because thats just stating who you're attracted to not weather you're having sex or not. I keep going back and forth with how I feel about this. one minute I understand and think fair enough, its no ones business. The next minute I think why cant I? I feel more free and liberated since the realisation of my asexuality than I ever have in my life, so sometimes I just want to shout it out to people! I just wondered how other peoples partners or other people in general have been about this? Am I being dramatic or unfair? He was so brilliant when I was working through it, I feel bad for wanting to tell people. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Why would you tell people? That's an honest question -- I'm wondering whether you think it is everyone's right to know whether you are having sex or not. I can understand why your boyfriend would be embarassed for his friends to know that you two are not having sex -- for men especially, it's culturally expected that they have sex. And I can see that you're feeling of relief and freedom causes you to want to shout it out, so to speak. But I'm asking specifically about why other people should know such a personal thing. Do you feel that that's necessary? Link to post Share on other sites
JessicaFaye Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 I don't think I want to tell people because they are entitled to know, I think I just feel it's part of me so I want to be able to talk to those closest to me about it. I went through the realisation of it all alone, and sometimes talking to my partner about it I think he get confused with all my feelings about things, so it would be nice to be able to talk to my best friend or close friends about it. Mayby I dont see the big deal about telling people im asexual because to me, not having sex is not a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Frankly, I don't think that it's his decision whether or not you're talking about it. Not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Unfortunately you can't predict how people will react. Compulsory sexuality is what most people are lead to believe. I do understand you wanting people to talk to. Just be prepared for skepticism or worse. If they're really your friends they'll listen and respect what you have to say about yourself. This is about you, not him. Wanting to confide in your best friend isn't broadcasting to everyone on Facebook anyway. If you need emotional support don't deprive yourself. If you want tell everybody that's up to you, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 If the OP were not in a relationship with someone, it would be all about her. But she is, and likely some of the people she talks with will know him. So it is also about him and his feeling about it. He lives in her world and she lives in his world. Link to post Share on other sites
DayDreamer~ Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I personally feel like it should be your choice who you tell. I am lucky enough to have had friends who were very understanding and I now have a close friend who makes Ace jokes with me even though she isn't herself an asexual. If you have people close to you who you feel you'd like to tell, then I say by all means you should be able to. He should not tell you to censor a part of yourself that you feel is important. I would talk to him and ask him why he doesn't want you telling anyone. Maybe you can tell him what it means to you to be able to share this new fact with the people you care about, because you'd like more support. I believe you only feel bad for wanting to tell others because there is a conflict of interest between what you want and what he wants- you are a good person. Just talk to him about it and tell him that it hurts you a bit that he would request you don't share it with others. In the end, you are not being dramatic or unfair (: You are just trying to figure things out and it seems clear to me you're trying to do your best. I wish you the best of luck! ^-^ Link to post Share on other sites
Anime Pancake Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I think you should be able to tell people that you're asexual and that your boyfriend should be able to tell people that he doesn't want to talk about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Muledeer Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I think relationships are all about compromise. If he accepts you for how you are and he is willing to forgo having a sex life then your part of the compromise could be not to discuss your asexuality with your mutual friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Queen of Wonderland Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I think you do sort of have to look at this from his point of view. If you tell people about it, you are basically telling everyone what your sex life is. When people know you don't like sex, they know that you and your boyfriend are most likely not having it. He might be less embarrassed about what your orientation is, and more about people knowing about what's happening between the two of you in the bedroom, or in this case what's not happening. If I were you, I would try to discuss with him the people you really want to confide in the most, the people you're closest to. See if you can reach a compromise; if not, I believe Muledeer is right and he has already done a lot of bending in this situation, and by your account has adapted quite well. I think the both of you are going to have to accept things in this situation that you might not like. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Queen of Wonderland Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 1 hour ago, Homer S. said: Frankly, I don't think that it's his decision whether or not you're talking about it. Not at all. You have to consider what he wants people knowing about their sex life. Its his business as much as hers, because its his private information too. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 7 hours ago, Queen of Wonderland said: You have to consider what he wants people knowing about their sex life. Its his business as much as hers, because its his private information too. There's always the option of explaining asexuality without going into intimate details. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Honestly, it's not his decision whenever you should talk about your asexuality or not. It seems to me that he is trying to hide it from everyone because he is ashamed or something.. that's not a good thing imo.I'd talk about it with him if i were you even if it's just to figure out where you are close at with him and this way, you two could figure things out together. Link to post Share on other sites
JessicaFaye Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 Thank you everyone I appreciate your honesty and advice, I will definitly talk to him and see if there is anyone i know that he would be comfortable with knowing we are a good team and he is a good man, so im sure we can find the best way for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I understand that one would not want everyone knowing about one's sex life. I actually agree with that and feel exactly the same (That its private between 2 partners). But I struggle with the concept that telling people one's (a)sexuality automatically tells them about one's sex life. Like the OP's partner stated if one said "I am homosexual" it wouldnt deduce wether one is sexually active or not. (Some homosexuals may not be sexually active) It should be (is in my opinion) the same for asexuality. (after all some asexuals are sexually active so in fact, the OP is not telling anyone anything by disclosing asexuality as she could (for all the friends were aware) be sexually active anyway. ) Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Would you be happy with him outing you? Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 If he truly is a good man he shouldn't have any issues and let you talk about yourself to anyone you want to talk too at some point in time in the near future. Otherwise he's a selfish asshole putting his pride, reputation, whatever above the woman he claims to love, you JessicaFaye. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Quote Mayby I dont see the big deal about telling people im asexual because to me, not having sex is not a big deal Whereas to 99% of the population, not having sex in a relationship absolutely is a big deal. When this gets back to his male friends, he'll get met with incredulity, mockery, and pity, told that he needs to man up and be a better lover so you'd be interested, told to leave you, maybe some of the more assholey of his friends will call *him* gay or asexual, some will almost certainly be pretty nasty about you and he'll have to defend you, and it'll be an ongoing meme in his group. In other words, pretty similar as if you came out to a bunch of jocks. This is what the asexual partner is not allowing him any say in. He may be okay with dealing with the fall out - we all take shit on our partner's behalf sometimes from friends. But it's most definitely not just one partner's decision to take. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: He may be okay with dealing with the fall out - we all take shit on our partner's behalf sometimes from friends. Sorry to disappoint, but not everyone has the kind of human garbage for friends you described in your post. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 But many do, particularly younger men. And really? You've never ever had one of your friends criticise your partner to you over something you're fine with, implying you shouldn't put up with it? Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Revealing a sexual orientation incompatible with your partner is usually a relationship ender. If you want your partner to stay with you and he does, I suggest treating that as an unexpected gift rather than approaching it with a sense of entitlement. He is going so far above and beyond what anyone can reasonably expect. So when he asks you for something much smaller, like keeping your private life private, I think you should gladly do as he wishes. Of course, maybe being out as asexual is more important to you than your current relationship. That's totally valid. In that case, put on your grownup pants and break up. Then with no more heterosexual partner to cramp your style, you can be as out and proud as you want. And you can show that you fully embrace your asexual identity by joining or building an asexual community and dating within it. No one gets everything they want and nothing they don't want in life. I don't think it works to pick and choose from the heterosexual lifestyle menu and the minority sexual orientation lifestyle menu. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 9 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: And really? You've never ever had one of your friends criticise your partner to you over something you're fine with, implying you shouldn't put up with it? Nope.That would be a strange thing to do for a friend, or anyone, really. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 10 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: But it's most definitely not just one partner's decision to take. Completely disagree. It is each person's decision what they tell their friends about themselves. No one, partner or otherwise, has the right to say "Oh yeah, you gotta keep this thing about you a secret cause I said so. Even from your best friend." Now, if they start poking with "Well do you two have sex?" then I'm fine with it being a joint decision what is said, since that is about both of them. If it's just his friends, then OK, that should be more up to him. But, I wouldn't be with someone who wanted to control what I told my own friends about myself. If they were that embarrassed of who I am that they want me to lie and keep secrets from my friends, I'd rather not be with them. And yes, you often end up lying, especially if your friends make comments about the sex life that doesn't exist and you don't want and you just have to "play along" to keep up the illusion you two have it. No one should be forced to be deceitful because their partner is embarrassed by them. So, OP, I would say talk about it. Take his feelings into account. But, make your own decision what you want to tell your friends. You don't have to tell them any details about your sex life to just say you're asexual. You don't have to tell them anything personal about your partner. Leave out details of your sex life, if he doesn't want that discussed. But your feelings and your life are yours, not his. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 28 minutes ago, Tarfeather said: Nope.That would be a strange thing to do for a friend, or anyone, really. I agree. IMO, a real friend would be supportive. A real friend would listen without insulting the person who did not like sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Quote You don't have to tell them anything personal about your partner. Leave out details of your sex life, if he doesn't want that discussed. But this is the nub of it. In telling her friends about herself, she's telling them something incredibly personal about him too. There's no way round that. At the very least she's saying 'me and my boyfriend have a potentially dealbreaking sexual issue'. One partner saying they're asexual simply is implying details of the other's sex life and I can't imagine the conversation sufficiently intimate that asexuality would be on the table to be discussed, and the question of whether you actually had sex wouldn't be next up. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 10 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: Whereas to 99% of the population, not having sex in a relationship absolutely is a big deal. That is absolutely a myth. A doctor told me that low or no sexual desire is a very common reason people come to his office. The one not wanting sex is often made to feel like a freak by an insensitive partner. But it is very common that people do not care for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Just now, Telecaster68 said: But this is the nub of it. In telling her friends about herself, she's telling them something incredibly personal about him too. There's no way round that. At the very least she's saying 'me and my boyfriend have a potentially dealbreaking sexual issue'. One partner saying they're asexual simply is implying details of the other's sex life and I can't imagine the conversation sufficiently intimate that asexuality would be on the table to be discussed, and the question of whether you actually had sex wouldn't be next up. David Jay doesn't discuss what he does with his partner, despite openly discussing asexuality with the world, watch some of his interviews - he says that's private, between him and his partner. I do not discuss what I do with my current partner, it's private, because my partner wants it to remain so and I respect that (even though I would be totally open about every detail, normally). But, I am not about to hide my feelings from my friends cause someone else wants me to. It's not my partner's decision and trying to make it their decision I would consider controlling. I agree to be with them, I don't agree to hide who I am for them. If who I am embarrasses them that much that they feel I need to hide and lie about it then why on earth are they with me to begin with? It just shows they aren't actually OK with who I am. And I would not want to be with anyone who thinks part of me is so terrible that they want me to lie/hide it cause it would make them look bad to love me if the world knew. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 31 minutes ago, Tarfeather said: Nope.That would be a strange thing to do for a friend, or anyone, really. So if a friend appeared to be miserable because of something their partner was doing, you wouldn't mention it? And if you do mention it, you'll be doing so as a loyal friend to them, which means some criticism would be implied of their partner. And this piece of information, about your partner being asexual and therefore in all probability you not having sex with them (because that's the assumption everyone will go to), won't just be kept to really close, trusting friends when the asexual partner comes out. It'll be part of the information about them in their circle, because that's just how groups of friends function. We're talking about coming out here, not a private confidence between two close friends, remember. You can't assume that everyone in that circle will be sensitive and PC about it - I move in pretty much exclusively leftie liberal middle class graduate circles, and I wouldn't expect everyone to be sensitive about it, especially not to my face. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Presumably David Jay has talked about this with his partner, and his partner's okay with it. The point is that the OP's partner isn't okay with it, and that should be respected. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Generally, your friends are loyal to you and your partner's friends are loyal to your partner. If one of my friends is in a relationship that I feel is very bad for them, I may well urge them to leave their partner. If the relationship seems to be abusive, or if my friend is constantly crying or depressed because of the relationship, I place my friend's wellbeing above their relationship. If the relationship is very one-sided, and I think my friend is being taken advantage of, I may well speak up. Link to post Share on other sites
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