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Acidian

Would value your opinion ?demi

11 posts in this topic

I am 27 years old. Throughout life I mostly worried about school and moving forward accademically. I found people (generally women) attractive but never wanted to pursue anything. Through this I have had the occasional crush of finding someone attractive and wanting to know them as a friend but nothing more. The only time I had sexual feelings for someone was 2-3 of my really close friends (though they were all straight/taken so nothing happened there). 

After crossing over 25 years I have been thinking more and more that I need to find someone because seeing everyone getting engaged, married, partnered, etc is freaking me out. I am scared of remaining forever alone. However I cannot get myself into using dating websites cause it feels weird to jump into a conversation with someone for the sake of dating or even sex. I just want to know people, I would be happy just having someone I can platonically live with. I am an only child and was thinking if my parents died I will be alone in the world as everyone around me is settling down.

I think if I found the right person I would eventually want a sexual element to the relationship but then I have never been there yet.

 

Questions.

Any thoughts on the meanings of the above?

Any thoughts on my worried and has anyone else experienced this?

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Hi Acidian. Well, I share your worries. Dating feels out of the table, since there's a pressure to "know" if you are attracted to someone too soon for my liking and so, finding a partner seems impossible. And as such I've only been in one serious relationship a long while ago. I'm also an only child. So the issue of being alone, the day my parents die is on my mind pretty often. I think is pretty common for people in general to fear being alone indefinitely and more so when growing older. For us in the spec it might seem hopeless at times for the difficulty of relating and finding people who understand us and the time that takes developing strong feelings. But...

 

Putting all that aside, whether it comfort us or not, that we are not alone in our relationship challenges... I think you are going through something that every single human being goes through at the very least once in life, no matter their sexual identity or orientation.

 

So, my suggestion is: to approach the issue from a general psychological perspective? And how the fear to be alone affects you without the particulars of your sexuality. Perhaps that would simplify the issue and it wouldn't seem daunting or overwhelming? And then take it from there.

 

I hope my little grain of sand helps at least a bit :blush:

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You sound like you might be demisexual.

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On 07/01/2017 at 10:51 AM, Ailin CS said:

Hi Acidian. Well, I share your worries. Dating feels out of the table, since there's a pressure to "know" if you are attracted to someone too soon for my liking and so, finding a partner seems impossible. And as such I've only been in one serious relationship a long while ago. I'm also an only child. So the issue of being alone, the day my parents die is on my mind pretty often. I think is pretty common for people in general to fear being alone indefinitely and more so when growing older. For us in the spec it might seem hopeless at times for the difficulty of relating and finding people who understand us and the time that takes developing strong feelings. But...

 

Putting all that aside, whether it comfort us or not, that we are not alone in our relationship challenges... I think you are going through something that every single human being goes through at the very least once in life, no matter their sexual identity or orientation.

 

So, my suggestion is: to approach the issue from a general psychological perspective? And how the fear to be alone affects you without the particulars of your sexuality. Perhaps that would simplify the issue and it wouldn't seem daunting or overwhelming? And then take it from there.

 

I hope my little grain of sand helps at least a bit :blush:

Yeah I think that makes sense. Probably most people do I agree if they are in a similar situation.

 

My main problem is I always saw myself being really close friends with someone and then this developing into more. I feel my only option is to give up as it has never happened and it does not look like it ever will. 

 

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9 minutes ago, Acidian said:

My main problem is I always saw myself being really close friends with someone and then this developing into more. I feel my only option is to give up as it has never happened and it does not look like it ever will. 

 

I think I get what you are going through, something similar happened to me some years ago. But, though right now you feel down and like giving up, try to remember that things might change later on or your feelings/perspective might. You are only 27 and have a lot of life in front of you. So, if you need to give up, do so, it might help you get your mind off of this and let you focus on something else. You can always change your mind later, intentionally or not.

I think through out our lives, we are not always the same person, even if our sexuality remains within the same label, we are not only our sexual orientation/identity. We are more than that, so why not try to focus on that? And leave relationships on stand by. Being on your own doesn't have to be sad or lonely, as long as you feel comfortable and happy within yourself, with yourself. And now I'm preaching. All I'm trying to say is do not despair.

 

Suggestion: Have you tried therapy? To deal with the hopelessness. Is difficult for us, people on the spec, to find partners, so in the mean time, perhaps is best to learn to be fine/content with yourself as your own companion. Your happiness doesn't have to depend on a romantic/sexual relationship. You are more than that. Strength to you!

 

What do you think? :)

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I am also demisexual. I think the best thing, for me at least, is to plan on being single for the foreseeable future and concentrate on meeting my needs for support and companionship through a network of platonic friends. It's totally valid to be single. It doesn't prevent you from having a good and full life. I think you have better chances of finding a quality relationship when you are doing just fine without one. If you think you might want to have a relationship with a woman someday, you need to make friends with a lot of gay or bisexual women. Your best bet is to get involved with one or more gay organizations, clubs, sports teams, or whatever. Obviously, don't go expecting to find a date. Just keep actively participating and building those friendships. That at least gives you a reasonable chance of eventually developing feelings for someone with a compatible orientation. And if not, you'll have a lot of friends, which is also a good thing.

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I can relate. I think you just need to make it clear you want to take it slow but sex isn't off the table. A lot of women will be fine with that - might even find it sweet. I guess find a friend that suits you and let the relationship grow? One step at a time. You'd have to communicate how you feel about sex though. It's a little scary because you might get rejected or get into a relationship that doesn't work out but those are always possibilities. You're still young. You could try dating websites with an explanation in your profile or join groups/attend events with people who share your interests. 

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I always thought I'd be friends with someone first and then build a relationship from there. But as the years have gone by it seems more likely I'll be alone with my cats. I'm horrible at making/keeping friends and those I do meet turn out to just be more interested in having sex and hoping I'll feel the same. And the older I get the more of those people I come across. I've tried OkCupid (which does have a friendship option) but honestly no one is really there looking for just friends. The few interesting people I've meet on there were looking for a relationship which is just stressful because I knew I'd never feel the same for them. I'm also really picky... 

It's kind of depressing since at this rate I'll probably never be in a relationship or get married. I always wanted to live with someone but have separate bedrooms and we could just sleep over at each other's bedrooms ( I'm not an only child and hate sharing :P ).   

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17 hours ago, Lockylocks said:

I always thought I'd be friends with someone first and then build a relationship from there. But as the years have gone by it seems more likely I'll be alone with my cats. I'm horrible at making/keeping friends and those I do meet turn out to just be more interested in having sex and hoping I'll feel the same. And the older I get the more of those people I come across. I've tried OkCupid (which does have a friendship option) but honestly no one is really there looking for just friends. The few interesting people I've meet on there were looking for a relationship which is just stressful because I knew I'd never feel the same for them. I'm also really picky... 

It's kind of depressing since at this rate I'll probably never be in a relationship or get married. I always wanted to live with someone but have separate bedrooms and we could just sleep over at each other's bedrooms ( I'm not an only child and hate sharing :P ).   

I hear ya. Also, I'm from Miami and an only child. I like sleeping alone ;) I also have trouble sleeping with someone next to me moving around, etc. Even friends--I'm a light sleeper! I got used to sharing when I left for college ;)

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On 1/4/2017 at 7:08 PM, Acidian said:

I think if I found the right person I would eventually want a sexual element to the relationship but then I have never been there yet.

I consider myself demisexual because of this. But at this point I guess it doesn't matter because I doubt I'll ever find someone who I'd be comfortable enough to be in a relationship with who also likes me back. I just turned 26 and the older I get the less likely it seems. 

 

8 hours ago, kingcakedonut said:

I hear ya. Also, I'm from Miami and an only child. I like sleeping alone ;) I also have trouble sleeping with someone next to me moving around, etc. Even friends--I'm a light sleeper! I got used to sharing when I left for college ;)

I'm the opposite I've slept through hurricanes and earthquakes. I just have cold feet and move around a lot in my sleep. lol
Yay, you managed to escape humid hell!   

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1 hour ago, Lockylocks said:

I consider myself demisexual because of this. But at this point I guess it doesn't matter because I doubt I'll ever find someone who I'd be comfortable enough to be in a relationship with who also likes me back. I just turned 26 and the older I get the less likely it seems. 

 

I'm the opposite I've slept through hurricanes and earthquakes. I just have cold feet and move around a lot in my sleep. lol
Yay, you managed to escape humid hell!   

Wrong--ended up in New Orleans--the summers there are worse, I swear! And humid cold weather blows! D:

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