Asexual here wondering if mixed relationships actually work

[Nea Rose Symphony]

Warning: sexual organs mentioned

 

I'm questioning everything after what my bf told me yesterday. I've had to experience his frustrations from his growing desires and my confusion over why he needs sex and why he's so frustrated. I thought going all the way would finally make the frustrations go away but nope, seems not. So now I feel even less hopeful that mixed relationships can even work out in the end. One side feels upset, the other side feels pressure, they try to compromise then the pressure from the difference breaks the two. Even in relationships where both sides try to be happy and understand perspectives for the other, they aren't truly happy. Is it even possible to have this set up where both in the couple are happy at how things are? Or are all just doomed to fail? How can both sides compromise on such a big issue without just breaking up or having distance between them?

[DayDreamer~]

To me it honestly depends on the relationship. For some people, sex is kind of just the icing on the cake, so it's easier to compromise on something they don't 'need.' But needs and wants are different for everyone.

 

From what I understand, some mixed relationships exist between a sexual who is okay with compromising and their partner is also able to compromise because they don't mind it, and it satisfies both sides without compromising either one.

But to me it sounds like your needs and your bf's may not be compromise-able? If he is wanting more from you than you are capable of giving, you shouldn't have to feel pressured by him. Neither one of you should have to sacrifice your needs for one another and if it just isn't doable for either one of you, you may need to reconsider what you're trying to do. 

 

I wouldn't say it's doomed to failure, it just depends on the people and how they handle the situation. I definitely believe it is possible to make things work. Maybe you should sit down and have a serious discussion with him about what you're okay with, what you're willing to compromise, and draw the line where it has to stop. And if he isn't okay with that after negotiations, then it may be time to consider finding people better suited for both of you. But definitely don't give up if you have hope and really like this guy! Communication goes a very long way, and maybe he can help you understand his frustrations a bit better since it seems to be confusing you. You open the doors to really understanding your partner and figuring out together what needs to happen next for both of you to be happy.

 

I wish you the best of luck! \(^-^)/ I'm limited with advice about relationships (only have had one long-term one myself) but I hope this helps at least a little.

[MrDane]

Compromises between two sexuals can also be frustrating. You need to be frank and open and find yourself in the compromises. Maybe you have to be more direct and make 'agreements' or schedules, if you are still ok with some sex-ish stuff.

 

im with an ace-wife on our 14+ years now. It is hard to live with her as she has no sexual desire for me, but it would be harder for me to live without her, since she is the best person in the world, best mom and I love her so much. 

[straightouttamordor]

I wish you luck no matter where it goes or how it turns out. I have no business giving advice to anyone Lol. I try to listen and empathize. I think all asexuals ( as few of us as there are) hope to one day meet someone who is asexual as well. Hopefully on the same scale. Maybe the situation can be worked thru and resolved. Compromise and love can go along way.

[Nea Rose Symphony]

23 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Compromises between two sexuals can also be frustrating. You need to be frank and open and find yourself in the compromises. Maybe you have to be more direct and make 'agreements' or schedules, if you are still ok with some sex-ish stuff.

 

im with an ace-wife on our 14+ years now. It is hard to live with her as she has no sexual desire for me, but it would be harder for me to live without her, since she is the best person in the world, best mom and I love her so much. 

How do you take it? Why is sex important to you? Why do you feel frustrated at having a low to nonexistent sex life? (Or if you have done sex all the way, why is simply having sex not enough?) Why do sexuals feel the need to try out other stuff when penetration is enough? Isn't it about bonding? Simply having sex isn't good enough to bond with?

[nanogretchen4]

Most mixed relationships do not work. A priori, I don't think asexuals should date sexuals. After the fact, if the asexual comes out while years into a relationship that is extremely strong in every other way it's worth trying to save the relationship, but there's no guarantee.

 

Sexuals are not obligated to want to date asexuals. If a sexual does not want to date someone with an incompatible sexual orientation, that is a perfectly respectable and sensible choice. Just because a sexual unknowingly entered into a relationship with an asexual does not mean the sexual has to stay once the asexual comes out or decides to stop having sex. No matter how difficult an asexual believes it will be to find an asexual partner, that doesn't make it the job of any sexual to save them from that effort and risk at the sexual's expense.

 

 

[Telecaster68]

8 hours ago, Cetasoul said:

How do you take it? Why is sex important to you? Why do you feel frustrated at having a low to nonexistent sex life? (Or if you have done sex all the way, why is simply having sex not enough?) Why do sexuals feel the need to try out other stuff when penetration is enough? Isn't it about bonding? Simply having sex isn't good enough to bond with?

I'm in a similar position to MrDane...

 

After a lot of time, talking, research, and thought, I now am able to understand rationally that it's not rejecting me, it's rejecting sex, but it still hurts, and I still miss the connection and intimacy it brings. It's something I have to manage my feelings about alone, as even bringing it up makes my wife feel bad, and that makes the situation worse for both of us, and increases the disconnection in itself.

 

It's important to me because without it, I feel less close to my wife. When we did have sex - we don't any more - I'd feel like there was something deep and intimate and passionate that we shared, a way of showing intense love towards each other, and enjoying each other. It's also fun and feels amazing.

 

I feel frustrated at having no sex because I'm missing all that stuff that I know could be there. My life is poorer for not having those things.

 

If by 'simply having sex', you mean why is my partner simply laying there inert while I essentially use her to masturbate - maybe putting it that way is enough? It's not enough because sex is about a shared experience, about giving and receiving pleasure merging into the same thing, about being desired, and your partner revelling in your desire for them. Those things just can't happen with an asexual because in the end, they're just doing it for the sexual's benefit.

 

Or if you mean other things like handjobs, blowjobs, or other activities... they feel good, they're about sharing the pleasure, and the closeness, about making the other person feel good. Sometimes 'simply having sex' (I think you mean PIV) is fine, but the other things add to the experience, often making the build up to climax more enjoyable, and the climax itself more intense. But it's not all about the climax, the process of getting there is deeply enjoyable and bonding too.

[Tarfeather]

My mixed relationship works, and I'm happy in it. However, we're not monogamous, and that's the only reason I'm okay with it. Basically, in terms of sexuality, I consider myself "single" -- To me, my partner is more of a life partner and friend, not a sexual partner.

[Nea Rose Symphony]

9 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm in a similar position to MrDane...

 

After a lot of time, talking, research, and thought, I now am able to understand rationally that it's not rejecting me, it's rejecting sex, but it still hurts, and I still miss the connection and intimacy it brings. It's something I have to manage my feelings about alone, as even bringing it up makes my wife feel bad, and that makes the situation worse for both of us, and increases the disconnection in itself.

 

It's important to me because without it, I feel less close to my wife. When we did have sex - we don't any more - I'd feel like there was something deep and intimate and passionate that we shared, a way of showing intense love towards each other, and enjoying each other. It's also fun and feels amazing.

 

I feel frustrated at having no sex because I'm missing all that stuff that I know could be there. My life is poorer for not having those things.

 

If by 'simply having sex', you mean why is my partner simply laying there inert while I essentially use her to masturbate - maybe putting it that way is enough? It's not enough because sex is about a shared experience, about giving and receiving pleasure merging into the same thing, about being desired, and your partner revelling in your desire for them. Those things just can't happen with an asexual because in the end, they're just doing it for the sexual's benefit.

 

Or if you mean other things like handjobs, blowjobs, or other activities... they feel good, they're about sharing the pleasure, and the closeness, about making the other person feel good. Sometimes 'simply having sex' (I think you mean PIV) is fine, but the other things add to the experience, often making the build up to climax more enjoyable, and the climax itself more intense. But it's not all about the climax, the process of getting there is deeply enjoyable and bonding too.

As a sex indifference ace, would there be a way to make it more of an enjoyable bonding experience for the both of us? I've heard women/female bodies need more foreplay to get more out of it which my guy doesn't really do now

[Telecaster68]

Show whatever enthusiasm you can muster. For a lot of sexuals, feeling their partner isn't into it is the biggest turn off of all. 

[Nea Rose Symphony]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Show whatever enthusiasm you can muster. For a lot of sexuals, feeling their partner isn't into it is the biggest turn off of all. 

How do I show interest even without caring whether it happens or not?

When he stimulated my clitoris I could actually feel it enough to where he seemed to like it but actually in my vagina feels like nothing. But it seems like only vagina matters to him

[Telecaster68]

Maybe focus on what pleasure  you can get from it... Enjoying your partner's enjoyment? 

 

You could also discuss what you might enjoy. It sounds like he's being selfish or maybe just inexperienced. Lots of women don't get much pleasure from purely vaginal stimulation, only the entrance and clit have much in the way of nerve endings, apart from the gspot, further inside, which is basically more clitoris anyway. 

[Nea Rose Symphony]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Maybe focus on what league you can get from it... Enjoying your partner's enjoyment? 

Enjoying being with my partner would work but..... I had already done that. I have no clue how sex is supposed to play out with a heterosexual (maybe any other sexual but this is a hetero relationship) couple. How am I supposed to physically respond to make it seem like I'm into it? How do I let him know in a positive way I enjoy the company and bonding it gives even though I'm not capable of getting into it like "a normal girl" would?

[Telecaster68]

I've edited my previous reply... 

 

Is easy to say and hard to do, but short of actually acting (where the classier porn videos or sex scenes in mainstream shows are going to be your best examples), all you can do is try to relax, and ratchet up or exaggerate your reactions. But honestly if he's not paying attention to what you like much, the onus is on him to try different things and see what you enjoy. 

[Nea Rose Symphony]

14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Maybe focus on what pleasure  you can get from it... Enjoying your partner's enjoyment? 

 

You could also discuss what you might enjoy. It sounds like he's being selfish or maybe just inexperienced. Lots of women don't get much pleasure from purely vaginal stimulation, only the entrance and clit have much in the way of nerve endings, apart from the gspot, further inside, which is basically more clitoris anyway. 

Inexperienced for sure. I'm his first sex partner.

 

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I've edited my previous reply... 

 

Is easy to say and hard to do, but short of actually acting (where the classier porn videos or sex scenes in mainstream shows are going to be your best examples), all you can do is try to relax, and ratchet up or exaggerate your reactions. But honestly if he's not paying attention to what you like much, the onus is on him to try different things and see what you enjoy. 

Yeah. I think doing clitoris for me then penetration for him could work. If he isn't going to be all about himself. I'll have to tough it out when it gets too intense for me

[Guest]

Ceta, I hate to be pessimistic, but if you keep asking why sexuals want sex and you are looking for ways to "tough it out" during sex, I don't think you're in the right relationship for you. Does your partner understand the truth of your feelings? If he read this thread, would he be surprised? Hurt?

 

I don't think mixed relationships tend to work. Of course, people will always try, because stupid romantic love makes us think we can do things we can't do, and that's the real problem. If people on their first date knew how they'd feel a couple years down the line, they'd never go on a second date together. When the major pain doesn't come until you're friends with their friends, have comingled finances, had kids, etc, it becomes a Very Difficult Thing you just sort of... deal with/ignore. Because what else are you going to do? Not to mention that the asexual thinks they'll never meet another asexual, and the sexual is so beaten down that they have zero self-esteem left, making leaving that much harder... the whole thing is a mess.

 

Probably that same pattern emerges for other stuff too, like if your partner becomes an addict, or mismanages money, cheats a lot, etc.

[Nea Rose Symphony]

4 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Does your partner understand the truth of your feelings? If he read this thread, would he be surprised? Hurt?

I'm sure he'd be like "that explains a lot" just like he did when I first came out

 

Why can't I be heterosexual? Why? I've been battling this since a couple days ago. Why can't everyone be asexual or everyone be heterosexual? Then there would be one less issue. Nobody would feel ashamed or broken, beat down simply for having natural feelings. Everyone could relate better

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Cetasoul said:

I'm sure he'd be like "that explains a lot" just like he did when I first came out

 

Why can't I be heterosexual? Why? I've been battling this since a couple days ago. Why can't everyone be asexual or everyone be heterosexual? Then there would be one less issue. Nobody would feel ashamed or broken, beat down simply for having natural feelings. Everyone could relate better

Mmmm, well, like Dane said, having the same basic orientation doesn't fix everything. And I'm glad not everyone is heterosexual... I have no interest in being heterosexual, and it doesn't bother me one bit that I have a smaller dating pool. Granted it's a bigger dating pool than yours, but I dunno... lots of people do come thru AVEN, you could always try to snag one.

 

Talk to your boyfriend for realsies, and tell him how you feel about sex in explicit detail. Ask him to try some new stuff... it sounds like his repetoire is rather limited. New things may spark something for both of you if you find something you enjoy doing together. Role play?

[Nea Rose Symphony]

4 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Mmmm, well, like Dane said, having the same basic orientation doesn't fix everything. And I'm glad not everyone is heterosexual... I have no interest in being heterosexual, and it doesn't bother me one bit that I have a smaller dating pool. Granted it's a bigger dating pool than yours, but I dunno... lots of people do come thru AVEN, you could always try to snag one.

 

Talk to your boyfriend for realsies, and tell him how you feel about sex in explicit detail. Ask him to try some new stuff... it sounds like his repetoire is rather limited. New things may spark something for both of you if you find something you enjoy doing together. Role play?

Long distance though. I'd want regular physical connections. Tried being friends with local people here but conversations always drop out of no where.

 

Seems we have a big conversation to do. I've sent him a Skype message about focusing on the bonding instead of the orgasm so I'm awaiting his reply when he gets on break. Maybe role play would work sometime. If things work out and he ends up financially stable enough to move out soon I'd go with him which makes more things accessible. And that's also something: in his little issues talk with me two days ago he expected me to research what we could do, explore my body (which I kinda did, enough to know how to get myself pleasured) when it should be a joint thing

[Guest]

Hmmm. Well, as someone who can't do joint anything, I kinda get the suggestion that you independently come up with a list of things you'd like to try. The discussion needs to be a joint thing, but the actual research doesn't have to be. Personally, it drives me crazy to look things up in tandem.

 

Have you ever asked for something that he didn't want to do? Has he ever said he doesn't like to perform a specific act? Does he go down on you? Oh, and how old is this guy?

[borkfork]

2 hours ago, Cetasoul said:

Inexperienced for sure. I'm his first sex partner.

 

Yeah. I think doing clitoris for me then penetration for him could work. If he isn't going to be all about himself. I'll have to tough it out when it gets too intense for me

Maybe instead of toughing it out you could communicate with him that it's getting too intense for you. Everyone is different and has their own preferences. Your partner should respect that. 

 

2 hours ago, Cetasoul said:

Why can't I be heterosexual? Why? I've been battling this since a couple days ago. Why can't everyone be asexual or everyone be heterosexual? Then there would be one less issue. Nobody would feel ashamed or broken, beat down simply for having natural feelings. Everyone could relate better

I used to ask myself why I couldn't "be like everyone else," too. It's just part of the process of accepting yourself. There's a lot of internalized nastiness we have to purge ourselves of sometimes. I think a strictly heterosexual world would be boring. There are things I can hear and remember, but never truly understand, but that goes beyond sexuality. I'm never going to understand what it's like to be Korean, just like I'll never understand what it's like to be a lesbian. Our culture is richer. My life is richer. I'd like to think I give the people I know a new perspective sometimes because my own experience is different.

[Nea Rose Symphony]

2 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Have you ever asked for something that he didn't want to do? Has he ever said he doesn't like to perform a specific act? Does he go down on you? Oh, and how old is this guy?

Sexually no. Romantically I'd like more romantic gestures like we once had in the beginning but he's not receptive to that. I hate the thought of oral sex yet he's pressured me into that too. I can only barely go because the thought is too gross. He tries it with me but thinking about going back to kissing after his mouth has been.... there.... is just as nasty to me. Hand stimulating is better to me. And he's not even a year older than me; over 20

[Nea Rose Symphony]

3 minutes ago, borkfork said:

Maybe instead of toughing it out you could communicate with him that it's getting too intense for you. Everyone is different and has their own preferences. Your partner should respect that. 

 

I used to ask myself why I couldn't "be like everyone else," too. It's just part of the process of accepting yourself. There's a lot of internalized nastiness we have to purge to ourselves of sometimes. I think a strictly heterosexual world would be boring. There are things I can hear and remember, but never truly understand, but that goes beyond sexuality. I'm never going to understand what it's like to be Korean, just like I'll never understand what it's like to be a lesbian. Our culture is richer. My life is richer. I'd like to think I give the people I know a new perspective sometimes because my own experience is different.

Then again I should also test out my boundaries and see if other ways work better, such as maybe rubbing this way isn't so bad as rubbing that way, or doing it a bit slower works better

 

I thought I already accepted myself but now it's bringing more pain than is necessary. This is why I hate those who say asexuals don't have problems for our orientation. We do. They just can't see it. Sure variety is good but it'd be easier on people if we're all similar enough to just be the same. We'd all be able to personally relate instead of wondering about others. We'd either know depression instead of stigmatizing it or we wouldn't even suffer depression. There wouldn't be any "just get over it, stop being that way" or "what happens when we have kids and you get depressed? You need to control it better". We'd all be better off

[Guest]

Ok, you're both young. I assumed so but figured asking would be wise.

 

At the age your boyfriend is at, most of what he knows about sex has come from porn and from the (mostly) lies his friends have told him. It's really good that he's into oral sex, but not good that he continues to pressure you into it. Trying it a couple times is good, but if you still don't like it, don't keep doing it.

 

Would it be fair to say that his asking you to find more things to do, ways of exploring your body, feels like sexual pressure to you? Is that why you don't like the idea of researching it on your own? Because you're really doing it for him, not for you? Keep in mind that's probably because you're asexual... if my partners had ever been like "bring me a list of things you'd like to try together" I'd be so happy and excited. What would feel like a gift to me feels like work to you.

 

How about quickies? Do you ever just grab his unit and get him off? It would likely be highly appreciated. I think that if you don't enjoy sexual activity and he does, it makes sense to make it far more unilateral. Sure, it seems selfish for him to always get off and not you, but if you can't/ don't want to get off, then it's not actually selfish at all. If you could choose to only give, and not receive, sexual attention, would that be better or worse for you?

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Cetasoul said:

Then again I should also test out my boundaries and see if other ways work better, such as maybe rubbing this way isn't so bad as rubbing that way, or doing it a bit slower works better

 

I thought I already accepted myself but now it's bringing more pain than is necessary. This is why I hate those who say asexuals don't have problems for our orientation. We do. They just can't see it. Sure variety is good but it'd be easier on people if we're all similar enough to just be the same. We'd all be able to personally relate instead of wondering about others. We'd either know depression instead of stigmatizing it or we wouldn't even suffer depression. There wouldn't be any "just get over it, stop being that way" or "what happens when we have kids and you get depressed? You need to control it better". We'd all be better off

Wait what? I really really disagree with this. I don't think the key to happiness is perfect unanimity. In any case, I suffer from depression and I'm not asexual. Lots of people with mental illnesses aren't asexual. Everyone being heterosexual would not eliminate mental illness, and it wouldn't unify it either.

[Private]

23 hours ago, Cetasoul said:

Warning: sexual organs mentioned

 

I'm questioning everything after what my bf told me yesterday. I've had to experience his frustrations from his growing desires and my confusion over why he needs sex and why he's so frustrated. I thought going all the way would finally make the frustrations go away but nope, seems not. So now I feel even less hopeful that mixed relationships can even work out in the end. One side feels upset, the other side feels pressure, they try to compromise then the pressure from the difference breaks the two. Even in relationships where both sides try to be happy and understand perspectives for the other, they aren't truly happy. Is it even possible to have this set up where both in the couple are happy at how things are? Or are all just doomed to fail? How can both sides compromise on such a big issue without just breaking up or having distance between them?

Cetasoul:

 

Based on my own personal experience, if your partner likes sex and you do not.  This is not something that will go away for your partner.  Although on some level they may understand that your lack of sexual desire is not a personal rejection, they may never really truly really believe that. 

 

I did participate in sex with my spouse for most of our 30 year marriage.  After awhile however I started to feel used.

 

I did somewhat enjoy sex when I was in my 20s or 30s or even 40s, but I never needed it and my husband's level of desire was always way higher than mine.  In my 50s I was completely NOT interested in sex.

 

In the end I felt that I had compromised when young, and now that we were older, it was his turn to compromise.   But he did not.

 

Personally, I think it's best to find someone who has a similar level of desire as you.

 

It is really easy today to find another asexual or person with low sexual desire because of the internet.

 

I do think a person who likes sex is not going to be happy without it.  There are even people in the late 80s and older who still want sex.

[Nea Rose Symphony]

18 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Would it be fair to say that his asking you to find more things to do, ways of exploring your body, feels like sexual pressure to you? Is that why you don't like the idea of researching it on your own? Because you're really doing it for him, not for you? Keep in mind that's probably because you're asexual... if my partners had ever been like "bring me a list of things you'd like to try together" I'd be so happy and excited. What would feel like a gift to me feels like work to you.

 

How about quickies? Do you ever just grab his unit and get him off? It would likely be highly appreciated. I think that if you don't enjoy sexual activity and he does, it makes sense to make it far more unilateral. Sure, it seems selfish for him to always get off and not you, but if you can't/ don't want to get off, then it's not actually selfish at all. If you could choose to only give, and not receive, sexual attention, would that be better or worse for you?

He's been very keen on practicing sexuality with me when I was just content with romantic gestures on their own. The first kiss, making out, holding hands are all great. It took some major pushing to get me comfortable with anything else.

I just don't care to do research. I know of a mall store that has a sex position book we could look at but he's always working when I'm off and off when I'm working. I can't go alone since there's the issue of no car. Online? I'd rather not watch porn. Who knows what sorts of disturbing things I'd find by researching on websites where I can read instead of watch? I'm in the process of making suggestions on how to improve sex for both of us so I hope that would go well. Maybe good that it shows initiative

 

Sometimes I would randomly put my hand there over clothes just because. That I'm totally comfortable with. I'd do it more often if I can even see him alone more but usually he's with friends when I'm with him so that'd be totally inappropriate. I try to stimulate it under the pants too but he says he doesn't want to... er.... go in his pants. I don't mind going either way, I think, just that he complained about not being able to make me go

[Nea Rose Symphony]

24 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Wait what? I really really disagree with this. I don't think the key to happiness is perfect unanimity. In any case, I suffer from depression and I'm not asexual. Lots of people with mental illnesses aren't asexual. Everyone being heterosexual would not eliminate mental illness, and it wouldn't unify it either.

Didn't say that asexuality and depression tie in together. When he was stating his issues with me, depression was another that came up and he expects me to just get over it when I'm in those moods. That's not how it works

[Nea Rose Symphony]

6 minutes ago, Tracy1 said:

Cetasoul:

 

Based on my own personal experience, if your partner likes sex and you do not.  This is not something that will go away for your partner.  Although on some level they may understand that your lack of sexual desire is not a personal rejection, they may never really truly really believe that. 

 

I did participate in sex with my spouse for most of our 30 year marriage.  After awhile however I started to feel used.

 

I did somewhat enjoy sex when I was in my 20s or 30s or even 40s, but I never needed it and my husband's level of desire was always way higher than mine.  In my 50s I was completely NOT interested in sex.

 

In the end I felt that I had compromised when young, and now that we were older, it was his turn to compromise.   But he did not.

 

Personally, I think it's best to find someone who has a similar level of desire as you.

 

It is really easy today to find another asexual or person with low sexual desire because of the internet.

 

I do think a person who likes sex is not going to be happy without it.  There are even people in the late 80s and older who still want sex.

Sex for me is a sort of, if it happens then great. If not then great too, I'll find something else to do. It isn't as great as many make it out to be but I don't have as strong opinion. The issue with online dating is, I'm not sure I can handle a long distance relationship though I'd keep an open mind, and I'm arospec which means developing a crush would be even harder to do than average

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Cetasoul said:

He's been very keen on practicing sexuality with me when I was just content with romantic gestures on their own. The first kiss, making out, holding hands are all great. It took some major pushing to get me comfortable with anything else.

I just don't care to do research. I know of a mall store that has a sex position book we could look at but he's always working when I'm off and off when I'm working. I can't go alone since there's the issue of no car. Online? I'd rather not watch porn. Who knows what sorts of disturbing things I'd find by researching on websites where I can read instead of watch? I'm in the process of making suggestions on how to improve sex for both of us so I hope that would go well. Maybe good that it shows initiative

 

Sometimes I would randomly put my hand there over clothes just because. That I'm totally comfortable with. I'd do it more often if I can even see him alone more but usually he's with friends when I'm with him so that'd be totally inappropriate. I try to stimulate it under the pants too but he says he doesn't want to... er.... go in his pants. I don't mind going either way, I think, just that he complained about not being able to make me go

Ok, it sounds like you guys are doing all the stuff that you need to do. Talking, trying things, working around each other's schedules and preferences. Try not to focus on it too much or you'll get burnt out. The reason I asked if you care if your sex life is unilateral or not is because over the years, mine has turned pretty... one directional. There's no point to me trying to do anything to my partner because it's not going to work anyway, and I got discouraged... so basically we were both play acting during sex, with her pretending (poorly) to be into it, and me pretending to act like I was into it when I was really just like "ugh you're not going to come anyway, so just stop me so we can be done." If your boyfriend is able to recognize that you really don't like sex and nothing he does will change that, maybe you can both move past trying to get you to enjoy it.