• Announcements

    • Kelly

      AVENues Holiday Special Edition is now live   08/17/17

      The new edition of AVENues is done!   See:        
    • Heart

      Help fund AVEN's servers!   11/06/17

      AVEN is doing its annual fundraiser to raise donations for server costs! See http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/163251-aven-server-fundraiser/ for more details.  
    • Kelly

      Join the team. Moderators and Project Team Member needed: Voting   01/04/18

      Voting has started. See:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/166163-new-moderator-member-needed-announcements-and-tea-and-sympathy-moderator-voting/   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/166162-new-moderator-member-needed-just-for-fun-aven-arcade-and-alternative-language-forum-moderator-voting/   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/166161-new-project-team-member-needed-answering-team-and-wiki-coordinator-voting/  
RMarieM

Anyone ever been married/divorced?

Recommended Posts

Elderflower
15 hours ago, Moonchaser said:

I'm a hetero-romantic ace, and I've been married to a sexual for 33-1/2 years. We have come close to splitting up several times, and yes, some of those times it would have been over our sexual incompatibility, though we've had other problems as well. It was a constant pressure on me for many years, and most of that time I didn't realize I was asexual, didn't know that was a thing at all. I was made to feel there was something wrong with me.

 

What I miss most since coming out to my spouse - and that happened over a few years' time, because he just didn't get it at first - is the cuddling. I have to agree with those who say cuddling pets isn't the same as romantic human cuddling. Unfortunately my spouse considers most cuddling behavior to be foreplay, and so if he's not likely to get sex, he's not interested - he's never really been into just hugging or touching.

 

I love my cats and cuddle them a lot, and I'm lucky right now to have two extremely affectionate cats, but it's not the same!

 

I from time to time try to imagine the ideal relationship. I know that if I were to find myself single I'd either stay single or try to find another asexual to be in a relationship with. I would not deliberately seek out a relationship with a sexual again. But I love my husband, and as long as he's okay with our now nonexistent sexual relationship (I compromised for many, many years, but at menopause I pretty much called it quits), I'll probably stay with him. At least there's not that constant pressure now.

Your spouse is not the only one who considers cuddling to be foreplay.  It's the dominant view among most men I know. This whole touching taboo in our society has made any kind of relationship about impossible for me now. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
mrjenkins

FWIW, my wife and I are struggling through all of this right now and we've been trying to find a couples therapist to work with.  For this latest therapist my wife picked a sex-specific therapist.  I was told in no uncertain terms that I am not ace -- more specifically, she said that asexuality doesn't exist -- and that I just need to figure out how to love my wife more.  She gave us a copy of 5 Love Languages and assured me that "while nothing is wrong with you, we're going to fix you."

 

So, my message is that it's not specific to just you and your relationship.  There's a whole industry of people out that in the field of psychology who don't "get" asexuality either.

 

Stay strong and come here for support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Elderflower
2 hours ago, mrjenkins said:

FWIW, my wife and I are struggling through all of this right now and we've been trying to find a couples therapist to work with.  For this latest therapist my wife picked a sex-specific therapist.  I was told in no uncertain terms that I am not ace -- more specifically, she said that asexuality doesn't exist -- and that I just need to figure out how to love my wife more.  She gave us a copy of 5 Love Languages and assured me that "while nothing is wrong with you, we're going to fix you."

 

So, my message is that it's not specific to just you and your relationship.  There's a whole industry of people out that in the field of psychology who don't "get" asexuality either.

 

Stay strong and come here for support.

This is very sad. I feel for you. 

Too many therapists think love and sex are the same thing.

If nothing is wrong with you then what does she plan to fix??

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JMichael

Currently married, 14 years next week, been together for 17. Married to my best friend, snuggle buddy and dog co-parent. Super lucky. If we we're a poker hand we'd be suited Ace & Queen of Hearts because we are emotionally and romantically compatible and that has been enough so far!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Menadena

I am married to another asexual. A little awkward while we both found the term and the other was not interested at all, but things are fine at 19+ years now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kinda-casey

I'm currently going through a divorce. It is in part due to my asexuality but there are deeper issues. We have a child and our decission to seperate didn't come about simply for that reason.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ume_Chika

Yep another divorcee here. He was emotionally abusive and made me feel guilty for not wanting sex. He often called me broken. He ended up running off with a woman 10 yrs younger. Best thing that could have happened as it made me realise i was doing all the compromising and he all the taking. 

The only thing i want from a relationship now is a cuddle buddy to do stuff with. Like going out or just sitting in watching tv. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SadTiger

Yes, married to a non-asexual for almost two years. We've never once fought over lack of sex, and the guilt and pressure I feel from my lack of desire is all my own, absolutely not from my husband. I'm starting to realize we may be a bit of an anomaly which doesn't comfort me at all as I feel like both sides think we'll eventually get divorced.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
daveb
6 hours ago, SadTiger said:

Yes, married to a non-asexual for almost two years. We've never once fought over lack of sex, and the guilt and pressure I feel from my lack of desire is all my own, absolutely not from my husband. I'm starting to realize we may be a bit of an anomaly which doesn't comfort me at all as I feel like both sides think we'll eventually get divorced.

If it works for both of you why not treasure that? Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SadTiger
40 minutes ago, daveb said:

If it works for both of you why not treasure that? Who cares what anyone else thinks?

I know you're right, and I realize I'm probably overly sensitive. I'm still trying to figure out/come to terms with who I am and I've had a lot of things said about the state and future of my marriage (he's cheating/will cheat on me, he deserves a mistress, I did a bait and switch, he's probably gay, etc.)  that have really gotten to me on some occasions. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
daveb
1 hour ago, SadTiger said:

I know you're right, and I realize I'm probably overly sensitive. I'm still trying to figure out/come to terms with who I am and I've had a lot of things said about the state and future of my marriage (he's cheating/will cheat on me, he deserves a mistress, I did a bait and switch, he's probably gay, etc.)  that have really gotten to me on some occasions. 

Good luck! I hope you can overcome those doubts and naysayers. Maybe they are envious.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Julieann917

I was a virgin until I was 26 and I found my first experience was unpleasant. So was my second. So I married the first guy who asked me to marry him and settled in. We had a child (which I wanted badly) and then I wasn't into it at all. It was more to accommodate than a mutual act. So there was a divorce. And tried dating again but I always felt pressured into sex but never enjoyed it. Seemed like a waste of time and energy, begging the question  "Can I leave now?". I like companionship and cuddling and affection, but sex with another person turns me off. If I have a need for an orgasm, I can do it myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Astryda

I'm 29 and married. Asexuality doesn't really get in the way even though my partner is sexual, because we both like affection and I also have a kind of high sex drive so I can either release that tension with him or another physical stimulation and also the form of our sexual life (meaning the length and frequency) fits in the needs for both of us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TheLastOfSheila
On 11/11/2017 at 10:02 AM, Astryda said:

I'm 29 and married. Asexuality doesn't really get in the way even though my partner is sexual, because we both like affection and I also have a kind of high sex drive so I can either release that tension with him or another physical stimulation and also the form of our sexual life (meaning the length and frequency) fits in the needs for both of us.

Astryda, please understand that I am not trying to be at all confrontational or sarcastic when I ask you what makes you define yourself as asexual?  There has been so much discussion, at least on this forum, regarding labels, how one defines oneself, and whether asexuality is a spectrum itself, or merely the other end point of the sexual spectrum.  My head spins as I try to take it all in, and I don't really have the answers.  What I have found, since I joined AVEN, is that maybe there is no clear definition of asexuality. 

 

As I read your post that you are married to a sexual partner, that you both enjoy affection, and that you have a high sex drive, I think, "That sounds pretty cool, but not asexual".  Of course that is just my own perception, and I have no qualifications to make any assessments about anyone, except for myself.  So, back to my original query, what aspects of your life made you come to the conclusion that you are asexual?  I am truly curious and just trying to learn really. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Astryda

@TheLastOfSheila

 

Sexual attraction involves desire for sexual activity with another person, while libido is just there at any time even if you are not attracted to anyone at that time.

Since I don't experience sexual attraction I'm asexual. I do have libido and I do need to release that tension sometimes so I can either do it myself or by having sex with my partner. I don't have a desire to do it with him (I couldn't care less about sex to be honest) but since he is sexual and actually has desire to have sex, and I'm not sexually repulsed, I can do it with him instead of doing it by myself. To me the result is the same which is releasing the tension from libido (which is kind of a 'technical' thing; someone here even said it's like cleaning the pipes, lol). As for affection, hugs etc. I can enjoy them at any time and they don't cause any sexual feelings in me- they feel the same during sex as they feel at any other time, like during watching movies together.

On the other hand, if he wanted longer or more frequent sexual encounters with me then that would be a problem (In fact I've told him that if it happens he can meet his sexual needs elsewhere).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
oldgeeza

I've never been married, never managed a long term relationship, the longest relationship lasted 28 days, I'm not aesthetically pleasing, I'm quite shy around those I don't know, don't go out very often, so I've just stayed single, been on my own since 1991

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Seajules

I was married for just over fourteen years--I mean just over, my ex announced he wanted a divorce a month after our anniversary, the day after Christmas--and my divorce was finalized in early 2014.  It was really devastating; I was going through the process of finally claiming disability at the time, we had no idea I was asexual and he was hypersexual, I just thought I had a really low sex drive because I was sick, and he was convinced he was "normal" and entitled to sex no matter how sick I was.  So he cheated on me with my former best friend, who was helping me with my disability claim, living with us at the time as my caretaker because she'd lost her job, and also hypersexual.  I was as devastated by her betrayal as his, possibly more.  I had known her for years before I met him, and she'd always been marriage-hungry, but I never thought it would lead her to stab me in the back, completely change her personality, and even take over gaslighting me, all to get that ring on her finger.  Ironically, one of the major tensions in our marriage had always been his insane jealousy over my relationship with her, because he hated anything that took my attention away from him.  He tried to claim our divorce was about anything but our incompatible sexuality and my disability, but when our marriage counselor made him go into detail, those were what it all boiled down to.  It was awful and acrimonious, and I still hate them both for how deliberately cruel and manipulative they were about it.

 

I crave an intimate partnership, despite being an extreme introvert and very set in my ways.  It would need to be with another asexual, though, and someone who wasn't obnoxiously ablist.  I don't know if I'm looking for another marriage, though.  That kind of entanglement with another person makes for some stress.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
autumnrose

I was married for 15 years and our number one conflict was sex. I would like to define him as hyper-sexual except I think that's a rather subjective term. I know that I thought the quantity of sex he desired was insane, but I'm obviously biased.:lol: At the time however, I thought I was the problem or that we weren't "meant to be" as the message I got from society was that if you met the right person for you and were in love, you will want to have sex. Ha!  Oh and yeah...you will want to have LOTS of sex!

 

He ended up cheating on me and post divorce I engaged in a lot of sex. I realized a bit later that I did that to try and prove to myself that I was wanted. Sad, I know, but all part of the path that has led me to here.

 

As I didn't know about asexuality until about 3 years ago, I got involved with another man (who turned out to be highly sexual as well) 5 years post divorce and we moved in together. Again, sex was a huge issue. He was an extremely respectful and thoughtful man who really tried to deal with our sex infrequency (I'm talking going without it for as long as 3 weeks ! - which apparently, is very hard to do for some people! lol). He just couldn't deal with our lack of sex,  anymore than I could deal with our much too frequent sex. We didn't have the full asexuality facts soon enough for us to be able to deal with our issue. If I had, I think it would have eliminated him feeling so unloved and undesired and me feeling so resentful for being asked over and over to compromise who I was. I'm certain we would have still broken up because sex was too fundamentally important to him. We just would have felt less pain through the years.

 

I can't imagine a relationship where sex isn't a source of conflict or even where sex doesn't ever happen. How wonderful! It would probably take me awhile to deprogram myself. There is so much anxiety wrapped up in sex AND relationships for me now. It's a good thing that I feel no desire to have either for a long time.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TriciaM

I was married for almost 5 years. I got married when I was 18, because I thought that’s what normal people do. Maybe not that young, but that you are supposed to fall in love and get married. My husband was a very sexual person, and in the beginning I just went with it because I didn’t know I had any other option. In the last year of our marriage I can count the number of times we had sex on one hand, I didn’t and still don’t find sex to be appealing. I love love, and companionship, and I firmly believe you can have love and a long term relationship without sex, but sex has never been something I expected from my partners, and yet was always expect from me. My husband and I split for a number of reasons, not just my lack of interest in sex, but it was one of the factors.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Member7783

Twice married, twice divorced.  Both ex wives cheated on me repeatedly and when confronted I was blamed because I didn't "put out enough".

 

I didn't know I was asexual back then.  I knew I didn't have the "typical" libido of most men, and at the beginnings of the relationships, the women appreciated not being pestered for sex all the time.  They changed their minds.  I did not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
bubblybaby

I'm happily married :) ! Been together for 7 years, married for 3. 

I'm a bi romantic ace and my husband is straight and a sexual being ^_^.
We have 2 children together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IvoryStardust

I've been married twice and am currently engaged. First one ended due to my asexuality. Second one, it might have contributed but there was a lot more going on. 

 

Current (allo) partner and I are going strong, going on 2 years now. We've both compromised over the years of course. But we're also poly, so he can find others to meet his needs, and I'm free to find someone else (hopefully Ace) to be close to as well. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
wanderingnotlost

Feeling a bit too worn out to type much more than yup, me too, to lots of this. Still married (17+ years), but it's not going well. We're on a sex break, where I'm supposed to get to say when we're off break, no pressure from him, leaving any initiating up to me. But somehow he seems to have a different version of what "no pressure" is than me :( Along with comments like "sometimes I think what everyone in this house needs to de-stress is just a giant screaming orgasm." Um, are you totally cluelessly missing the point or deliberately ignoring me? And does it matter which it is? :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JustmeV

Yes,  been married more than once.  I had no idea why I couldn't get it right, so I started to seek out different types of men...older, younger,  blue collar, professional. Ugh. 

I'm not a good actress or liar,  so eventually faking enjoyment would take it's toll and I'd run away as quickly as I could. I'm also a casualty of chronic pain and bilateral hip replacement at 45. Aside from having no sexual desire, I believe fear of pain can be a contributing factor. Just the thought of going to bed gave me anxiety and I would sleep on the couch to avoid it. I would have loved to sleep next to and cuddle my husband, but he always guilted me into sex, and that ended up causing alot of resentment. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now