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RMarieM

Anyone ever been married/divorced?

111 posts in this topic

On 1/3/2017 at 7:19 PM, biancaboricua13 said:

My marriage ended in part to my asexuality. 

I'm afraid this is why mine is crumbling.. we are just completely opposite on the issue and I don't find its ever going to be resolved

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Divorced twice, currently engaged.  First two fell apart partly because of my asexuality, but I'm lucky with my current fiance. He's sexual but he understands that I'm not and is ok with it. 

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Married for 26 years.  Divorced in 2015.

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Currently married 5 yrs but separating.  Asexuality has a lot to do with it but not all.  

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Divorced. We were together for 19 years and married for 14 years. I got married late since I was 35 at the time. We have a daughter who was born when I was 42, and by that point in our marriage, having sex was not a big priority for me.

 

My ex had an affair at the 10yr point. I did everything in my power to get past it - can't even put a $ figure on the time and money I spent on my own counseling and couples counseling. I am a firm believer that while we may be able to forgive, certain transgressions are hard to forget, so that surely contributed to the asexuality part. My ex was already taking the lack of intimacy personally, but I just couldn't explain it. I didn't know about asexuality at the time, nor did I stop to think about it much. I just know that it was devastating for her when we would talk and I would express that I just didn't feel like having sex. She couldn't understand that I loved her and was attracted to her, but as the years went by I was pursuing sex less and less.

I feel the straw that broke the camel's back happened one evening about six months before we separated. I think it was one last shot on her part to figure out her next move. After putting our daughter to bed, she had secretly set up the master bathroom with candles and bubble bath, put on some lingerie and set the mood. The whole time we were soaking in the tub, all I could think about was, "I'm not into this right now." Long story short, I killed the vibe, an argument ensued, and three months later she had her second fling, at which time I pulled the plug.

 

So here's the thing, and the reason why I searched for and found this site: I've been divorced for 4 years, and haven't had sex for 5, and I don't really care if I do. I've been on a few dates, but each time I kept saying to myself, "why am I doing this?" or "this feels awkward." I was just going through the motions because I guess I thought it wasn't normal for me to not give a shit about dating or having sex. I don't know. I just know my life is much simpler now, and that I don't feel any pressure to "perform" as a married person. I think (still not sure) I'm perfectly content having shared custody of my daughter and talking to my dog on the off weeks. :D

BTW, we get along better now than ever, but I don't plan to discuss asexuality with her (don't have to, don't need to). It would, however, be nice to have some friends that understand where I'm coming from and can help me figure out where I'm going!

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I'm divorced.  I didn't know it(because I had know clue about asexuality) but my asexuality is what caused my divorce.  I thought there was something wrong with me.....so did he....spent money on all kinds of libido enhancers for women....none never worked....numerous trips to different doctors and therapists....he eventually cheated on me.

 

My asexuality just caused my latest relationship to end.  I really cared for this guy.  He made me feel special and made me extremely happy, but he couldn't handle the lack of sex.   

 

I just want someone to connect with and cuddle and eat pizza and nachos with.  

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I'm divorced - when I was getting married I didn't know much about my sexuality. Asexuality (although I'm a gray ace and I'm not averse to sex in general) definitely played a part in my marriage breakdown. It all ended up as being a series of demands from the other side, his multiple crushes and affairs over the years and in the end my decision to divorce. I don't even remember a single time when I initiated sex/was seductive in any way as it was very rarely on my mind... and if it was on my mind, that was usually a very brief moment. 

 

Although not sex-averse, I've always had this "I'd rather not" attitude which couldn't have been a great thing in the bedroom. I had sexual partners after my ex-husband and my attitude stayed the same (so it wasn't the case of finding the right person), "I'd rather do something else", and in the end relationships became very tense and didn't make any of us happy. I felt misunderstood and used to some extent, they were frustrated. Not a good mix.

 

I think I'm done with sexual relationships, unless maybe with somebody who wouldn't need regular sex, who would have a very low sex drive and who'd be almost perfectly satisfied with non-sexual physical closeness. Now that would be ideal...  

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On 03/01/2017 at 5:52 AM, RMarieM said:

I'm just curious how many people have ever been married and if their marriage ended due to being asexual? I am divorced, but being married helped me realize that I don't care for sex and don't need it to have a fulfilling life. 

 

On 08/01/2017 at 2:23 PM, Florenna said:

I have been both in long live-in partnership and married (with different persons), but can't say if it was my demi-/asexuality that caused the latter to end, more like personality differences ;) But my low sexuality sure played a small part, especially at the end. 

I am 55 and I am married for 35. Can you imagine? My husband doesn't believe I am an asexual. For him such a think doesn't exist. But as he is a nice person, I decided to go on with the situation. Yes, it has been difficult for me for all these years. Things are becoming easier now because he is a middle age man.  I think that what makes me so resilient is the fact that I am a spiritual person. And it has been interesting to observe and understand the way the brain of a sexual male processes sex too. I am proud of my accomplishment because we have great children and grandchildren. I have been able to find a balance and a comfort little corner for me in this difficult marriage. I am proud of that too. Why didn't I get divorced? Because I was the only one willing it. So I choose to protect others. Hurting them would never been a solution for me. Being generous to my family brings comfort to my inner self. It makes me feel like a great warrior who fights and wins difficult battles. Staying with my husband, even if he doesn't care about my asexuality, really means something to me because this is the kind of love the world really needs. The point is I don't care for sex but I pay a lot of attention to love.

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I'm in the process of an annulment. We were together for 3 years (married for the last 2 of them), have been separated for 1. He's hyper-sexual, and was aware when we got together that I have a low libido. I knew then what asexuality was, but I didn't think I was asexual, I just thought I was demi or sapio. We actually ended up being poly, a decision which didn't have anything to do with my lack of desire. We had a closed triad for almost a year starting shortly after we moved in together, and I was grateful to have someone that could pick up the slack in the sex department. After that partner left, he had a few more boyfriends, one that lived with us for a few weeks. The terms of our relationship were that we would discuss each person we were considering sleeping with or entering a relationship with. Each time I was interested in someone, he would get mad because if I wasn't even interested in having sex with him, how could I possibly want to date someone else. I started accepting my asexuality about a year before we broke up. He was always trying to find a made-up sexuality term for me, because I would occasionally masturbate, so he wouldn't accept that I was ace. Eventually I found out that he had been sleeping with pretty much every one of his friends that he hung out with on a regular basis. I figured this out at his then-boyfriend's birthday party, and basically had to pretend like I already knew, or I would of course look like the dumbass.

 

Honestly, the cheating was only a very small part of why I left. There were many other things in play. I don't know if the abuse, manipulation, disrespect, rape, and cheating were things he did because I'm non-sexual or not, but I lean toward not, since he was allowed to take other partners as long as I knew about it in advance, and there's never an excuse for the other things. 

 

I will say that I don't foresee myself being in a monogamous relationship with a sexual person again.

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I was married for seven years.  I told my ex all about me before we even got together.  She said she was fine with the CD and no sex (as most people view it) and she didnt care as she loved me for who I was.  Seven years down the track she said she couldn't stand being in a relationship with no penetrative sex and walked out the door.  I just wish she had been half as honest with me as I was with her, then we both wouldn't have wasted seven years of our lives.

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Married for 17 years.  Widowed in 2000.

Now in ongoing relationship since 2008.

I've been fortunate.

 

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Was hypersexual for 25 years, for all the wrong reasons, and then stopped, cold turkey, about six years ago. I'm currently in my third marriage.

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I am Heteromantic and have been married for over a decade.  Our marriage has been strong in some respects and strained in others the whole time. me coming out as ace has been the straw that broke the proverbial camels back.  Currently it feels like separating is a matter of when not if... 

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On 5/17/2017 at 5:20 PM, <o> said:

Divorced. We were together for 19 years and married for 14 years. I got married late since I was 35 at the time. We have a daughter who was born when I was 42, and by that point in our marriage, having sex was not a big priority for me.

 

My ex had an affair at the 10yr point. I did everything in my power to get past it - can't even put a $ figure on the time and money I spent on my own counseling and couples counseling. I am a firm believer that while we may be able to forgive, certain transgressions are hard to forget, so that surely contributed to the asexuality part. My ex was already taking the lack of intimacy personally, but I just couldn't explain it. I didn't know about asexuality at the time, nor did I stop to think about it much. I just know that it was devastating for her when we would talk and I would express that I just didn't feel like having sex. She couldn't understand that I loved her and was attracted to her, but as the years went by I was pursuing sex less and less.

I feel the straw that broke the camel's back happened one evening about six months before we separated. I think it was one last shot on her part to figure out her next move. After putting our daughter to bed, she had secretly set up the master bathroom with candles and bubble bath, put on some lingerie and set the mood. The whole time we were soaking in the tub, all I could think about was, "I'm not into this right now." Long story short, I killed the vibe, an argument ensued, and three months later she had her second fling, at which time I pulled the plug.

 

So here's the thing, and the reason why I searched for and found this site: I've been divorced for 4 years, and haven't had sex for 5, and I don't really care if I do. I've been on a few dates, but each time I kept saying to myself, "why am I doing this?" or "this feels awkward." I was just going through the motions because I guess I thought it wasn't normal for me to not give a shit about dating or having sex. I don't know. I just know my life is much simpler now, and that I don't feel any pressure to "perform" as a married person. I think (still not sure) I'm perfectly content having shared custody of my daughter and talking to my dog on the off weeks. :D

BTW, we get along better now than ever, but I don't plan to discuss asexuality with her (don't have to, don't need to). It would, however, be nice to have some friends that understand where I'm coming from and can help me figure out where I'm going!

How you describe yourself sounds SO MUCH like me.  It is particularly difficult being an ace mail because for some reason the myth of women just not wanting sex is "normal" or "acceptable." For a man to be uninterested in sex seems almost unfathomable to many people.

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53 minutes ago, mrjenkins said:

For a man to be uninterested in sex seems almost unfathomable to many people.

That has been my experience. Coming out as a pedophile would be easier.

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Divorced. And yes my asexuality had a lot to do with it. The problem as I see it now was that I didn't know anything about asexuality. So of course, I thought something was wrong with me and so did my husband. He couldn't accept the fact that I didn't feel sexually attracted to him and felt it as rejection. It just got worse until well . . . irreconcilable differences.

 

I have two daughters which means that yes, we had sex. Lots of it because that's what was expected and wanted, etc., etc. Until I felt as though I was imploding. I wasn't being myself and one day I decided that I would be myself. I think that was the beginning of the end as the saying goes.

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Yes, I was married.
It was a bit of a nightmare, to be honest.
I spent the entire marriage sleeping on the couch, listening to my wife saying that she thought things would change once we were married.
Many gay and lesbian people have straight marriages before finally coming out, so maybe it's no different for aces.
My marriage was pre-internet, in that earlier world when aces had no name and no community.

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On ‎2017‎-‎07‎-‎10 at 11:18 PM, Green Mandala said:

I have two daughters which means that yes, we had sex. Lots of it because that's what was expected and wanted, etc., etc. Until I felt as though I was imploding. I wasn't being myself and one day I decided that I would be myself. I think that was the beginning of the end as the saying goes.

how was your coming out?  My wife (so far) has reacted very antagonistically and has point-blank said she would be more okay if I had come out as gay.  Maybe this is part of the difference for ace male/female folks?

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Well, I tried to explain how I felt about sex, but he couldn't wrap his head around it because his experience is so different from mine. I gave him papers to read about it but he hasn't said anything about what it explained. It seems easier to place blame in other places and other areas. I think it is a subject that some spouses don't want to confront. And sometimes I believe part of it has to do with societal expectations of sexuality. "No sex. Whaaaat?" As though sex defines what marriage relationships are or ought to be. And the thinking that says, "Well what is 'love' without sex?" As though sex defines the meaning of love.

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I was married very briefly (didn't make it to the first anniversary).  For us the sticking point was children, he wanted them in a big way and I absolutely didn't.  This then turned into sex becoming a point of contention as he was constantly trying to "talk me into" sex without protection at all the wrong times of the month in order to deliberately result in pregnancy.

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I was married for 7 years. My lack of libido definitely contributed to the downward spiral. I had lots of sex in the 20 years before I got married, but looking back it was all forgettable.  I was never interested in sex, but I was attracted to men and enjoyed affection and being in a relationship. Sex was just something I knew had to happen to keep him interested. I've been divorced for 5 years and it is such a profound relief to not have to have sex anymore that I have been actively avoiding meeting anyone else. I would love to meet another person and have a close, affectionate relationship, but sex is always expected and it isn't worth it. So I remain alone, but with many friends that I hang out with.  I had no idea until a few days ago that asexuality was even a thing, I just thought there was something wrong with me. I found this website and I'm learning there are many, many people like me.  It is very reassuring! 

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