PeterPanForever Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I came close in my younger years with my high school sweetheart, but we promised her mother that we would wait until she graduated from college, but we broke up her junior year of college because we drifted too far apart. It wouldn't have worked though. I knew that something was metaphysically "up" with me, and so did she, and this was before I had any idea of what asexuality even was, but it just wouldn't have worked out. I think that it would be amazing to try out a nonsexual marriage, but I would have to be HIGHLY compatible with the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Delete account please Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I was engaged twice. Very grateful for the experiences. Because now I can post here....even though I've not been married, I thought of myself as married. Link to post Share on other sites
BobRossRules Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 A nonsexual marriage would be great! Although my marriages did not work out, I actually liked being married. It's nice to have someone around to do stuff with, or just to chill out around the house and do nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
PeterPanForever Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I laugh at myself because I always talk about how wonderful it would be to be in a real relationship in which you were living together side by side. It is easy to think this way when you have never experienced it. Truth is, I have no idea what it would be like. I do know that it would be fun having a partner in crime to do things with though. I missed a couple of events that I would have done in 2016 because I didn't want to go alone, and now in March of 2017 they are doing Cinderella at the ballet and I really want to see it, but I will not go alone. The last time I went to a ballet alone it was Hansel and Gretel and ended up being a bunch of 5 year old hopping and skipping around on stage, and the only people in the audience were their parents and me. No way in hell am I ever going to go through that again! Link to post Share on other sites
BobRossRules Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I have a hard time doing things alone. If an event comes up, I usually opt out. I'm trying to be better about that, but it's hard always being the third wheel. Link to post Share on other sites
PeterPanForever Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I was the third wheel for many, many years when my roommate was also one of my best friends from high school and who always had a girlfriend, but he moved and then I moved and now I am not even the third wheel anymore, lol. I tried for many years just going out alone and having a good time despite being at the event alone, and sometimes I did get captivated by the moment and the performance, but lately I just haven't been in the mood to go out alone. I spend most of my days at school as a 43 year old nontraditional student, and then I spend my nights in bed doing homework, day after day after day after day. The highlight of my day is eating an orange after dinner, which are always super yummy, and then an apple a little later. Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 It's been a long time since I have even been the third wheel! Most of the time I haven't had anyone to do things with so I'm the only wheel. Like Peterson I have tried doing some things solo, but there are some things it's just not so fun doing by myself, so I end up not doing some things I would like to do. A "partner in crime" would be good. I do miss the part of being in a relationship where you do things together, travel, hikes, other events. And I really enjoyed the brief taste of traveling with a great travel partner this past Summer, where I did more things than I probably would have if I were on my own. Traveling alone has it's advantages, but I've done enough of that. it's so nice to have someone to lean on, to share things with, and not have to feel so alone in a strange (or not so strange) place. I also miss the more "domestic" things like hanging out at home with a partner, cooking meals, watching tv/movies, playing board games, etc. Or having someone to celebrate birthdays, holidays and other special occasions with, or share some of the little things with (like some simple thought or observation of the day that you know they will enjoy or be interested in, or having someone to be silly with. I guess a lot of people want a lot of those things. Asexuals just want them without the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Muledeer Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Yep. I agree with all of the three posts above this one. I would do a lot more things and go a lot more places if I had someone to do it with. But part of being a happy asexual is accepting that I may never find that lifetime partner and making the best of what I've got and not dwelling on what could be. Link to post Share on other sites
Delete account please Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 awww, this is a good thread, I feel comforted there's people like me Link to post Share on other sites
BobRossRules Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I love the "partner in crime" phrase. I just want to have a super best friend to share life experiences with (without the gross sex stuff). Link to post Share on other sites
coyote55 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Never came close to being married. I do have friends of all ages to do things with, although some of them live farther away than I'd like. Link to post Share on other sites
straightouttamordor Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 I am separated myself. Been trying to get her signature since July. The dragging on and the lack of equity in the house are drudgery. Glad I found this website and forums. I know you probably are as well. Aces that are divorced need to talk about it with someone who's been there. Link to post Share on other sites
imnotafreakofnature! Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Personally, I think a non-sexual marriage with someone compatible would be a dream come true! I was single-again for 14 years between my two marriages. While I was absolutely THRILLED at not having the insatiable sexual demands of another human being hanging over my head every minute of my life, I really missed having someone to just share life with. I'm a serious cuddlebug, and I missed having someone to cuddle with. It's nice having someone around to share the problems and the joys, the fun as well as the mundane. I'm perfectly fine with going places and doing things on my own, but it's nice having someone who knows you and loves you just because you exist, not because you put out on demand. Truth be told, I've never felt completely loved because no one's loved me without sex. If sex wasn't involved, they were outtahere, and to me, that's not really love. Link to post Share on other sites
CentaurianPrincess Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 On 1/6/2017 at 2:16 PM, Tracy1 said: Prib: Those are interesting thoughts. Perhaps it is an evolutionary pattern. At this point science has evolved to the point where people do not need to have sex to procreate. I am sure an artificial womb could easily be made. Or, perhaps simply in vitro and implantation without the need for sex ever. Sex does seem silly and primitive to me. So maybe you are right. People talk about this great flood of oxytocin released after orgasm but sex did not cause any greater oxytocin release for me, than did cuddling. So, maybe our oxytocin levels respond differently. I just think that if asexuality came out of the closet more, then people could actively state their preference and search for someone of a like mind whenever dating. You can get this feeling that you're supposed to get from sex by cuddling with an animal as well...I heard it was called the cuddle chemical. I myself don't like to hug or kiss, but I love to hold a pet. Link to post Share on other sites
CentaurianPrincess Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 On 1/8/2017 at 8:07 PM, Peterson515 said: I laugh at myself because I always talk about how wonderful it would be to be in a real relationship in which you were living together side by side. It is easy to think this way when you have never experienced it. Truth is, I have no idea what it would be like. I do know that it would be fun having a partner in crime to do things with though. I missed a couple of events that I would have done in 2016 because I didn't want to go alone, and now in March of 2017 they are doing Cinderella at the ballet and I really want to see it, but I will not go alone. The last time I went to a ballet alone it was Hansel and Gretel and ended up being a bunch of 5 year old hopping and skipping around on stage, and the only people in the audience were their parents and me. No way in hell am I ever going to go through that again! I love the ballet. I go to see professional ones though. Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Cuddling with a pet is good, but not the same as cuddling with a person I love for me. Not that I have had much opportunity for cuddling with a person I love. Link to post Share on other sites
prefers.cats Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I was married for 20 years, and am separated now. I never felt any sex drive, resisted sex, only gave in when I got tired of him making me feel guilty. I always felt (and was told by him) there was something wrong with me. I went to my doctor and had blood tests, physical exam, everything was normal. I thought maybe chronic depression caused my lack of libido, so I tried antidepressants. I went to a therapist who specialized in sex issues. Somewhere along the way I googled low libido and discovered asexuality and AVEN, and I finally felt like it all made sense! I am not broken, this is just who I am and there is nothing wrong with me! My therapist suggested that I discuss asexuality with my husband and come up with a compromise. I tried that, but the closer we got to the day when we were supposed to have sex again, the more anxious I became because I am sex repulsed! So for this reason and other issues, I decided to leave. I am happy on my own now, and wondering if I will ever find anyone to be with romantically again, since not having sex will be a deal breaker for so many people. To my knowledge, I have never met anyone who is asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Sexual, married to asexual for 15 years. She didnt know at first (10+) We plan to stay together forever. Sometimes the intimacy-issue and Occasional sex takes a toll on both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
BobRossRules Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I'm a fan of cuddling with pets!! I have 3 dogs and 2 cats. Although it would be nice to have a real human around, that's not an option for me right now. So furry snuggle-fest it is!! Seems that most folks who have been married are all in the same boat. If both partners agree to a compromise, there's still a lot of anxiety, and even dread on what is expected regarding intimacy. At least that was the case for me. I did my best to agree to certain things, but due to my sex and intimacy repulsion, it was always difficult for me to fulfill that obligation, whatever it was. I made excuses and tried anything in my power to avoid it. My husband felt cheated as he had to compromise and I wasn't keeping my end of the bargain. Our marriage ended with resentment and bitterness on his end. Both of us didn't not know about asexuality. I didn't discover it until after we separated. Certainly less anxiety being single! I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. Nonetheless, I do miss the relationship aspect. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 16 hours ago, spacefae said: You can get this feeling that you're supposed to get from sex by cuddling with an animal as well...I heard it was called the cuddle chemical. I myself don't like to hug or kiss, but I love to hold a pet. Yes. Pets are a great way to get your oxytocin fix. I like hugging furry things. Link to post Share on other sites
Muledeer Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 On 1/14/2017 at 11:44 AM, Tracy1 said: Yes. Pets are a great way to get your oxytocin fix. I like hugging furry things. I knew that the animal experienced an oxytocin release during petting/ cuddling, but I never thought about it the other way around. Even with pets, there is compromise involved. Let me explain - I do not allow my dog onto the couch or any furniture in my home. German Shepherds are too big for lap dogs. But I would love to cuddle with my dog on the floor, however it seems like dogs don't like being hugged. I can get her to lay next to me and hold her muzzle or paw, also she lays on the floor and likes to hold hands while laying on her back by the couch. That is the most cuddling I get and it is almost enough. Link to post Share on other sites
straightouttamordor Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 I can't really add anything to all the posts above this one. You just had to have been there. Being married and asexual that is. Then being divorced and/or separated. I think Faraday and imnotafreakofnature! really said it best. The bombardment of sexual expectations depleting you. Also the missing the deep affection and companionship of the relationship when it's over. If there was even any left. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 12 hours ago, prib23 said: I can't really add anything to all the posts above this one. You just had to have been there. Being married and asexual that is. Then being divorced and/or separated. I think Faraday and imnotafreakofnature! really said it best. The bombardment of sexual expectations depleting you. Also the missing the deep affection and companionship of the relationship when it's over. If there was even any left. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 13 hours ago, Muledeer said: I knew that the animal experienced an oxytocin release during petting/ cuddling, but I never thought about it the other way around. Even with pets, there is compromise involved. Let me explain - I do not allow my dog onto the couch or any furniture in my home. German Shepherds are too big for lap dogs. But I would love to cuddle with my dog on the floor, however it seems like dogs don't like being hugged. I can get her to lay next to me and hold her muzzle or paw, also she lays on the floor and likes to hold hands while laying on her back by the couch. That is the most cuddling I get and it is almost enough. I have had several dogs. Some like to be hugged, but some do not. All my pets were allowed to sleep on the bed. When I was married we had a Golden that absolutely had to sleep in the middle of the bed, in between me and my ex-husband. He was an extremely friendly affectionate dog and seemed to love to be touched and hugged by everyone. The dog I owned prior to that did not even want to sleep on the bed and if I went to a park and kids would hug her, she would get very anxious. Link to post Share on other sites
Mocha Jo Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 On 1/8/2017 at 9:37 PM, daveb said: I guess a lot of people want a Yuplot of those things. Asexuals just want them without the sex. Yup- wouldn't that be perfect? I have messed up 2 marriages, one to a man, one to a woman. It didn't matter- sex was still the deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
imnotafreakofnature! Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 On Monday, January 16, 2017 at 0:07 PM, Tracy1 said: All my pets were allowed to sleep on the bed. When I was married we had a Golden that absolutely had to sleep in the middle of the bed, in between me and my ex-husband. The last several years I was married the first time, I had a Scottish Terrier that slept with my ex and I. They had a little game they used to play, where they'd race to see who got to the bed first. When they got there, Bonnie would wedge herself in between us and my ex would always end up pushing her over on the other side of me, but Bonnie would always find her way back to the middle. She was quite a little character. Link to post Share on other sites
Waikia Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Was married over 16 years. Asexuality did play big role along with some other things. I do not plan to be married again. Some time after the divorce I shared with a gay relative that I thought I was asexual.... Unfortunately, did not know there might be other people who could help me process and understand it. I then had some years when I thrived and enjoyed just having friends. Have an adopted son, who brings me joy, and so my intimacy needs with others was fulfilled. Instead of recognizing those years as being ones lived as who I am, got involved again....sigh. Slow learner I suppose.... What I finally discovered was that I was exchanging my partners' sexual intimacy needs in order to get my own met...unfortunately, my needs for closeness, being together as good friends, etc. wasn't in balance. Working so hard to communicate my needs and having them given scant attention. Then began friendships with "safe" people (lived in gay neighborhood, drawn to transgender people, etc.). Yet the emphasis on sexuality in our culture still created feelings of isolation and loneliness. The mistake I made was to remain closeted...opening up to others is key. It also helped me to go through some grieving and feelings of guilt. Guilt for being destructive to relationships by being unable to adequately fulfill a normal expectation. Grief for having too many years not living out who I really am. Apologies for awkwardness in writing....I have an iPad and this screen doesn't seem to allow touch for editing. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 14 hours ago, imnotafreakofnature! said: , but Bonnie would always find her way back to the middle. She was quite a little character. Cute. Link to post Share on other sites
Private Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 8 hours ago, Waikia said: What I finally discovered was that I was exchanging my partners' sexual intimacy needs in order to get my own met...unfortunately, my needs for closeness, being together as good friends, etc. wasn't in balance. Working so hard to communicate my needs and having them given scant attention. T I understand that feeling. It caused a lot of resentment because for most of my marriage I engaged in sex with my husband to satisfy his needs. Yet, he would never compromise for my lack of desire even in the later years. We divorced, or actually I divorced him, due to his cheating. Yet now he claims he wants to get back together and will agree to an asexual relationship. I just do not believe that he will be able to abide by that agreement. I think if someone is sexual they remain that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Waikia Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I have had several experiences living collectively (not as a commune tho...lol). It's great to live among like-minded people, sharing our lives, responsibilities, crabbing about that certain one who always leaves dirty dishes, last minute dash to a movie and so forth. Now, as I age, it isn't as appealing as then. Appreciate all the comments of not being very social. Do have some friends that I connect up with periodically, but considering how social I can be not so much these days. Grateful for this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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