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RMarieM

Anyone ever been married/divorced?

92 posts in this topic

I'm just curious how many people have ever been married and if their marriage ended due to being asexual? I am divorced, but being married helped me realize that I don't care for sex and don't need it to have a fulfilling life. 

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I'm married to someone I met here on AVEN, and no, not divorced. Thank god sex isn't particularly an issue.

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1 minute ago, CBC said:

I'm married to someone I met here on AVEN, and no, not divorced. Thank god sex isn't particularly an issue.

Really? AVEN actually facilitates real life relationships? For some reason I haven't gotten that vibe yet from this site. I feel like most people are here just to chat but not meet up in person. But that is nice to hear that you both are in a happy asexual relationship. Maybe one day I can be as lucky as you. 

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Actually there are a fair number of couples who've met here. Getting to know people depends on how much effort you put in, how active you are in the community. There are also lots of members who make friendships here as well, and go to offline meetups and stuff.

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I was in a 21 year lesbian relationship that ended last year.  It was heartbreaking for me, because we had a perfect family and life (in my eyes).  We have 4 teenagers that are amazing, but it was like we were just friends raising our kids.  I know it was the lack of intimacy that broke us apart.  I was fine with it, but my wife realized she needed more and didn't want to cheat on me.  The hardest part was knowing how well I got along with my ex, and how we never had fights or arguments, so separating was devastating.  This past year has been extremely difficult to get through, but finding this site, and realizing I'm not weird or crazy for not needing sex has helped me heal.  

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Never. Not even close as I never even got to the loving affectionate partner stage. At this stage of my life I am afraid it would be more trouble than any supposed benefits. 

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I am going thru a divorce myself. Yes, my lack of interest in sex was a major contributor. I wonder how many Aces have been thru this too. It's good to have kindred spirits who have been there.

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My marriage ended in part to my asexuality. 

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sounds odd to say, but I've never been in a long term relationship, my longest relationship only lasted 28 days, all my partners cheated on me, I didn't know of the term asexual, but sex never played a part in any of those relationships as they didn't get that far, so I guess I got away without having to experience the marriage/divorce proceedure.

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Yep, I was married twice and both of my marriages ended due to my asexuality.  However, at the time, I was unaware of an asexual community.  I'm not sure if knowing about asexuality while I was married would have changed things.    

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I was never married, but the one long term (and long distance) relationship I had did help me discover I didn't care for sex. That relationship broke up for several reasons. And then I discovered AVEN a couple of months later.

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Never married here.

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Divorced

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On 1/3/2017 at 0:52 AM, RMarieM said:

I'm just curious how many people have ever been married and if their marriage ended due to being asexual? I am divorced, but being married helped me realize that I don't care for sex and don't need it to have a fulfilling life. 

Yes. I was married for 30 years.  I engaged in sex mainly to please my husband but later I totally lost interest in it.   My husband would nag and I would engage to please him, but after awhile I started to feel used by his desires and inability to understand that I did not find sex appealing.

 

I divorced when I learned he was having an affair. 

 

He now wants to get back together claiming he now realizes that a marriage is about more than sex and he now admits that his own desire has diminshed, but it's too late for me.

 

It was not the fact that he had sex with someone else.  The issue was the breaking of trust due to lies he told, money he spent on the affair partner and the fact that it was obviously a sexual and emotional and financial affair. 

 

If he had asked I might have been open to him having sex with a call girl because that would not have made me feel threatned.  But all the lying and deception destroyed my trust in my husband.

 

Worse, I actually found emails where he was ridiculing me to his affair partner behind my back.  That really killed the deal.  To see his disrespect in black and white.

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I was never married, but my boyfriend of five years left me for another woman. I turned down several proposals from him, and it was during our relationship that I discovered what asexuality is. He was hypersexual, and the issue of sex was our main source of arguments throughout our relationship. I love him and miss him, but I realize we were too incompatible sexually. He is now happily married and they recently had their first baby.

 

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On 1/4/2017 at 0:04 AM, Ƒaraday said:

Yep, I was married twice and both of my marriages ended due to my asexuality.  However, at the time, I was unaware of an asexual community.  I'm not sure if knowing about asexuality while I was married would have changed things.    

Same here, two marriages. I had heard of the term asexual. However, I didn't know very much about it. I work in the Maintenance Department for a medical research university. If they ever have a study on asexuality, I may participate. Don't want to be "cured" or even understood. Curiosity is a very natural thing for me. Although I'm a blue collar guy,  I always wonder,  "why" ? 

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While I was still married the second time I saw a documentary on asexuality.  I think it was around 2010/11.  When I told my husband about it, he just dismissed it.  If I remember correctly, one of the couples ended up having sex.  Anyway, it just slipped away and I was still made to believe I was dysfunctional.  It wasn't until 2015, after my marriage had ended, that I revisited the whole concept of being asexual.  

 

@prib23 a university study would be cool.  On AVEN there are often studies via questionnaires.  

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I married young, had four children, was widowed at age 43, after 23 years of marriage.  I was never so much interested in having a husband as I was in having children.  My husband was not asexual, but had a pretty low sex drive.  At first this bothered me because it seemed to reflect on me personally, that I had somehow failed as a woman, as a wife.  The fact that I really didn't care about sex was beside the point.  When I was growing up, girls were expected to have boyfriends, to eventually marry, and have children.  I tried to conform to the societal expectations at that time.  After my husband died, I did venture onto the dating scene after a few years.  I met someone, a younger man, and engaged in a relationship for about six years.  At his age, sex was really important, and I did not mind engaging, but it was not enough to make up for all of the other b.s. I had to put up with, so I eventually made a clean break.  I have not had sex for over a decade now, have been completely independent and single, and I have never been happier in my adult life.  Admitting my asexuality has been a wonderful thing for me, very liberating indeed!

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17 minutes ago, Ƒaraday said:

While I was still married the second time I saw a documentary on asexuality.  I think it was around 2010/11.  When I told my husband about it, he just dismissed it.  If I remember correctly, one of the couples ended up having sex.  Anyway, it just slipped away and I was still made to believe I was dysfunctional.  It wasn't until 2015, after my marriage had ended, that I revisited the whole concept of being asexual.  

 

@prib23 a university study would be cool.  On AVEN there are often studies via questionnaires.  

I would participate Faraday. I told the lady from London who is conducting the study to e mail me the questionaire.

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1 hour ago, prib23 said:

Same here, two marriages. I had heard of the term asexual. However, I didn't know very much about it. I work in the Maintenance Department for a medical research university. If they ever have a study on asexuality, I may participate. Don't want to be "cured" or even understood. Curiosity is a very natural thing for me. Although I'm a blue collar guy,  I always wonder,  "why" ? 

Hi Prib:

 

My husband was always far more interested in sex than I was.  I was made by him to feel dysfunctional.  

 

I did go to a doctor in my 40s.  He worked at a major very reputable teaching hospital and was a nice doctor in his late 60s.   I told him I had no desire and told him it was causing problems with my marriage.  

 

He listened and then looked me in the eyes and said: :  This is one of the most common cures I am asked for following a cure for baldness.  If I had the cure for these two patient complaints, I would be a billionaire."

 

He then went on to explain that a lot of couples have this issue.  Mostly couples older than 40 but some young men and women, too, have no interest in sex.

 

He asked me to bring my husband in to discuss it so he could explain that it was a common problem and not a personal rejection of him.  I did.  Still my husband continue to insist he felt it was a personal rejection.

 

It's a very common problem but still asexuals are made to feel abnormal.  Very sad.

 

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Been married, divorced and now remarried (eight years before I realized asexuality was even a thing). I honestly believed that my lack of interest in sex the first time around was due to the way my husband treated me, so I expected it to be different this time around. It's not, but my husband refuses to believe that I'm asexual. He's convinced that it's just menopause and that there's a pill to fix it. Had I known about asexuality, I never would have married again - at least not a sexual - and should this relationship also fail, I have no intention of ever getting involved in another sexual relationship!

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1 minute ago, Tracy1 said:

Hi Prib:

 

My husband was always far more interested in sex than I was.  I was made by him to feel dysfunctional.  

 

I did go to a doctor in my 40s.  He worked at a major very reputable teaching hospital and was a nice doctor in his late 60s.   I told him I had not desire and told him it was causing problems with my marriage.  

 

He listened and then looked me in the eyes and said: :  This is one of the most common cures I am asked for following a cure for baldness.  If I had the cure for these two patient complaints, I would be a billionaire."

 

He then went on to explain that a lot of couples have this issue.  Mostly couples older than 40 but some young men and women, too, have no interest in sex.

 

He asked me to bring my husband in to discuss it so he could explain that it was a common problem and not a personal rejection of him.  I did.  Still my husband continue to insist he felt it was a personal rejection.

 

People have the view that sex and love are synonymous or there is some diacotomy there. If I knew for certain that my spouse really loved me even if we didn't have sex or rarely engaged, it wouldn't bother me. My ego is not connected to my sexual prowess. I thought love transcended sex. But most don't share this view. I often wonder if we are the ones who are normal and society is hypersexualized ? Perhaps violence too is romanticized. The fusion between sex and violence seems to be increasing as well. Or am I reading into this something that isn't there ?  An asexual woman is not quote "broken" in my opinion. She is as worthy of love and affection and companionship as a sexual woman.

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15 minutes ago, prib23 said:

People have the view that sex and love are synonymous or there is some diacotomy there. If I knew for certain that my spouse really loved me even if we didn't have sex or rarely engaged, it wouldn't bother me. My ego is not connected to my sexual prowess. I thought love transcended sex. But most don't share this view. I often wonder if we are the ones who are normal and society is hypersexualized ? Perhaps violence too is romanticized. The fusion between sex and violence seems to be increasing as well. Or am I reading into this something that isn't there ?  An asexual woman is not quote "broken" in my opinion. She is as worthy of love and affection and companionship as a sexual woman.

Hi Prib:

 

You are right about the link between sex and violence.   If you do a search at scientific sites you will find that that the same parts of the brain are stimulated by sex and violence. 

 

Here is a psychology today article link and excerpt:
 

Quote

 

Biologically, sex and violence share a number of common brain states and functions.  Both behaviors evoke intense arousal--indeed, the most intense states of arousal possible.  Fighting and mating share some of the same neural circuits, neurotransmitters and hormones of arousal, and both activities strongly stimulate the brain’s reward and pleasure systems.  This brain circuitry can lead men to seek out violence, to pick fights for no apparent reason other than to derive satisfaction from the rewarding feeling that comes from the shot of dopamine in the brain accompanying aggression.  This is the same neurotransmitter boost produced by cocaine and other drugs of addiction.  The neurotransmitter serotonin is also involved in both sexual gratification and in violence. (4)

 

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-brain/201601/the-explosive-mix-sex-and-violence

 

Personally, I agree that love should transcend sex.  

 

I compromised with my husband for 25 odd years and engaged in sex that was  mildly pleasant but not desirable and somewhat more annoying and distracting than pleasurable.  But when I finally asked him to compromise, he would not. 

 

It seems that sexuals want asexuals to do all the compromising despite the fact that a sexual can find sexual release in many other ways, other than insisting their spouse engage in an activity they do not enjoy.

 

I see young people on this forum asking if a marriage between a sexual and an asexual can work.  It makes me sad because from my perspective the answer is no.  Eventually the asexual will be in for some major emotional pain and upheaval. 

 

Edited to add:  Yes, I, too, wonder who is abnormal the sexuals or the asexuals. 

 

 

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28 minutes ago, imnotafreakofnature! said:

Been married, divorced and now remarried (eight years before I realized asexuality was even a thing). I honestly believed that my lack of interest in sex the first time around was due to the way my husband treated me, so I expected it to be different this time around. It's not, but my husband refuses to believe that I'm asexual. He's convinced that it's just menopause and that there's a pill to fix it. Had I known about asexuality, I never would have married again - at least not a sexual - and should this relationship also fail, I have no intention of ever getting involved in another sexual relationship!

Hi Imnotafreakofnature:

 

I agree.  I think Hollywood makes a big deal about connecting sex and romance.  And, of course the porn industry makes a fortune off of porn.

 

I think if Hollywood would make movies romanticizing an asexual relationship, more  asexuals would feel comfortable seeking out other asexuals.  

 

All my life I was ridiculed for saying that I was not interested in sex.  My female friends laughed at it, my male friends.  Everyone, so for too long I feigned interest in sex to be able to be close to the opposite sex. 

 

If asexuals were actually a protected class, maybe people would not ridicule them and they could more openly seek out other asexuals.

 

If I knew when I married what I know today, I would never have married a sexual person.   It would have prevented a lot of heartache for me.

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Posted (edited)

30 minutes ago, Tracy1 said:

Hi Prib:

 

You are right about the link between sex and violence.   If you do a search at scientific sites you will find that that the same parts of the brain are stimulated by sex and violence. 

 

Here is a psychology today article link and excerpt:
 

Personally, I agree that love should transcend sex.  

 

I compromised with my husband for 25 odd years and engaged in sex that was  mildly pleasant but not desirable and somewhat more annoying and distracting than pleasurable.  But when I finally asked him to compromise, he would not. 

 

It seems that sexuals want asexuals to do all the compromising despite the fact that a sexual can find sexual release in many other ways, other than insisting their spouse engage in an activity they do not enjoy.

 

I see young people on this forum asking if a marriage between a sexual and an asexual can work.  It makes me sad because from my perspective the answer is no.  Eventually the asexual will be in for some major emotional pain and upheaval. 

 

Edited to add:  Yes, I, too, wonder who is abnormal the sexuals or the asexuals. 

 

 

Perhaps asexuals have the ability to overide these neurotransmitters that flood the brain with dopamine and serotonin ?  Enabling us to feel love in a completely empathetic state ?  I'm not a higher form of animal as many insist. I will not treat a partner as such either. Or if you are a Darwinists maybe we have evolved to a state where primal urges are squelched ? A bio chemical BS dectection utility. We see harm to the partner looking forward not pleasure in the present tense.

Edited by prib23
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1 hour ago, prib23 said:

Perhaps asexuals have the ability to overide these neurotransmitters that flood the brain with dopamine and serotonin ?  Enabling us to feel love in a completely empathetic state ?  I'm not a higher form of animal as many insist. I will not treat a partner as such either. Or if you are a Darwinists maybe we have evolved to a state where primal urges are squelched ? A bio chemical BS dectection utility. We see harm to the partner looking forward not pleasure in the present tense.

Prib:

 

Those are interesting thoughts.  

 

Perhaps it is an evolutionary pattern. 

 

At this point science has evolved to the point where people do not need to have sex to procreate.  I am sure an artificial womb could easily be made.  Or, perhaps simply in vitro and implantation without the need for sex ever.

 

Sex does seem silly and primitive to me. 

 

So maybe you are right.

 

People talk about this great flood of oxytocin released after orgasm but sex did not cause any greater oxytocin release for me, than did cuddling.   So, maybe our oxytocin levels respond differently.

 

I just think that if asexuality came out of the closet more, then people could actively state their preference and search for someone of a like mind whenever dating.

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Wish there were more numbers of us as well. The distance between us is geographical not sexual. Lol. 

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Been there, done that. Just finalized my divorce, and embracing my gray-a/demisexual nature while I'm at it. I'd gone through most of my life thinking I was a late bloomer, or that getting married would flick some switch in my brain. About a year into my marriage I discovered AVEN and brought the concept up to my ex. Our communication style was atrocious to begin with, and he promptly ignored the supposition or was entrenched in as much denial as I was. In the end my ex would say there were other things pulling us apart, but given another woman came along before negotiations had even started...yeah, it was something that contributed greatly. 

 

Since I'm more of a romantic, I'll still look for a relationship down the line, and I think I'd like a family one day. But for the time being, flying solo is just fine by me. 

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On Friday, January 06, 2017 at 0:35 PM, Tracy1 said:

Personally, I agree that love should transcend sex. 

 

I compromised with my husband for 25 odd years and engaged in sex that was  mildly pleasant but not desirable and somewhat more annoying and distracting than pleasurable.  But when I finally asked him to compromise, he would not.

 

It seems that sexuals want asexuals to do all the compromising despite the fact that a sexual can find sexual release in many other ways, other than insisting their spouse engage in an activity they do not enjoy.

 

I see young people on this forum asking if a marriage between a sexual and an asexual can work.  It makes me sad because from my perspective the answer is no.  Eventually the asexual will be in for some major emotional pain and upheaval.

 

 

Like you, I've seen the questions others have posted about the longevity of relationships with sexuals; and like you, I know that the asexual is the one who does the most compromising. (That's the situation I'm in now with my second husband.) While compromise is an important and necessary part of a relationship, it doesn't seem to work when it comes to sex - at least not for the majority of us. In another thread along the same lines, one person said that compromise is never a win-win for a sexual/asexual relationship, only a lose-lose. I have to agree.

 

I also agree that love should transcend sex, but sexuals don't seem capable of that. At least not any of the ones I've ever known.

 

On Friday, January 06, 2017 at 1:03 PM, prib23 said:

Or if you are a Darwinists maybe we have evolved to a state where primal urges are squelched ?

Since discovering asexuality less than a year ago, I've often wondered the same thing - if we've come to a time and place in history when there are too many of us, and Nature's way of decreasing the population is to start creating asexuals and aromantics. Although I also have to wonder if there have always been some of us around, but just as unrecognized as we are now. Back in the middle ages, for example, it was perfectly acceptable for someone who wanted to remain celibate to become either a nun or a monk. Their sexuality was never considered, they were just believed to be serving their version of god.

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I have been both in long live-in partnership and married (with different persons), but can't say if it was my demi-/asexuality that caused the latter to end, more like personality differences ;) But my low sexuality sure played a small part, especially at the end. 

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