Autumn Season Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Me too, I didn't mean "aggressive" in a... in an extreme way. Just that for instance before the arousal built up, there used to be a light, slow caress. Afterwards it changed into quicker petting with more pressure in it. It could still count as "gentle" I suppose, just less so. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I think this is one of those sexual/asexual differences. I think sexuals don't see that increase in 'vigour' as aggressive, but their partner desiring them more and more urgently and passionately, and being desired is one of the big, big highs of having sex. It's one of the ways that the physical and emotional can intertwine during sex, which seems to be a completely incomprehensible idea to many asexuals. They understand the physical thing; they understand emotional closeness; but the way they bounce off each other, like two mirrors facing each other, just doesn't compute. Link to post Share on other sites
sindi Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 4 hours ago, calamityandlove said: I wouldn't say aggression has a correlation. If I do say so myself, I am not exactly of a passive temperament. Not in the slightest actually. In fact, that word may as well be the coherent opposite of me. Well, it depends on the individual, but personally?, it has nothing to do with my asexuality. I didn't mean to imply, that the reason for anyone's asexuality would be disliking rough sex... I also don't want to imply, that you only read the title, but it almost sounds like you did? Link to post Share on other sites
sindi Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 1 hour ago, nanogretchen4 said: If someone asks a question about the mechanics of sex, it's hard to give a useful answer without mentioning anatomy and so forth. Maybe the thread should be moved into the Sex Talk. I'm completely fine with mentioning the anatomy tho... and I thought this already was the "sex talk" place? Link to post Share on other sites
sindi Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 4 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said: I also didn't see If you said you meant sex only with a man, or lesbian sex as well. I've had sex with women and it's so much more gentle and soft than a lot of my experiences with men (though my male partner I'm with now would only ever do it in the way I desire it, whether gentle or hard or whatever).. but yeah I've found women to be extremely tender and sensual during sex, and their faces and mouths are a lot softer generally and they're much gentler during any form of oral or clitoral stimulation unless you specifically ask otherwise. They also seem to enjoy taking lot longer with foreplay etc than many men do (though some men will of course give you foreplay for as long as you need it!) So yeah, sex doesn't always have to be rough or invasive or aggressive. Just depends on the people involved and how well they communicate (I don't enjoy penetrative vaginal sex or receiving oral myself and my partner is totally fine with that and just wants me to experience whatever it is that I might enjoy during a sexual encounter.. so again, just depends on the people involved!) Thank you for the descriptive and thoughtful reply! I certainly meant lesbian sex at least as much as hetero sex in the original post. And the way you put it makes me, let's say... understand why someone might desire that. Sure (like telecaster pointed out, kind of) full-blown oral sex isn't exactly what I was thinking about in the OP, and the thought of giving oral in particular makes me uneasy (I mean, the thought of doing that myself), but with this post I'm trying to be more open-minded than before an explore my limits on a mental level. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: I think this is one of those sexual/asexual differences. I think sexuals don't see that increase in 'vigour' as aggressive, but their partner desiring them more and more urgently and passionately, and being desired is one of the big, big highs of having sex. It's one of the ways that the physical and emotional can intertwine during sex, which seems to be a completely incomprehensible idea to many asexuals. They understand the physical thing; they understand emotional closeness; but the way they bounce off each other, like two mirrors facing each other, just doesn't compute. It reaIIy depends on the sexuaI. RegardIess of whether you're sexuaI or ace, sometimes if a partner is getting too vigorous it can definiteIy feeI aggressive and you just want it to be over. I've been with men who think women Iike it the rougher/harder they (the men) get, because they assume it's just showing how much they're enjoying themseIves.. when the woman is actuaIIy getting rubbed raw and irritated wanting him to hurry up and finish. This is a communication issue more than anything but it's quite common I've found. A Iot of the time (for women especiaIIy) they want the sex sure, but it turns out to be not that good if they guy gets too caught up in his own pIeasure or even just assumes that getting super rough on the cIit is the way to make a girI cum *sigh* ..Again, communication is what is Iacking in these situations for the most part. Of course it's deepIy pIeasurabIe expressing your desire for each other when you both get caught up in 'vigorous' sexuaI pIeasure (if you're both into that) but you do both have to be in the mood and in the right stage of arousaI for that or it can just be an annoyance to the partner taking the pounding. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 1 hour ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said: It reaIIy depends on the sexuaI. RegardIess of whether you're sexuaI or ace, sometimes if a partner is getting too vigorous it can definiteIy feeI aggressive and you just want it to be over. I've been with men who think women Iike it the rougher/harder they (the men) get, because they assume it's just showing how much they're enjoying themseIves.. when the woman is actuaIIy getting rubbed raw and irritated wanting him to hurry up and finish. This is a communication issue more than anything but it's quite common I've found. A Iot of the time (for women especiaIIy) they want the sex sure, but it turns out to be not that good if they guy gets too caught up in his own pIeasure or even just assumes that getting super rough on the cIit is the way to make a girI cum *sigh* ..Again, communication is what is Iacking in these situations for the most part. Of course it's deepIy pIeasurabIe expressing your desire for each other when you both get caught up in 'vigorous' sexuaI pIeasure (if you're both into that) but you do both have to be in the mood and in the right stage of arousaI for that or it can just be an annoyance to the partner taking the pounding. Yeah, I'm taking a sensitive lover noticing what their partner likes as read here. I agree completely. Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 regarding the questions about arousal and libido v agression I both have libido, and arousal, and I find vigourous sex to be kind of numbing. like, numbing as in a bad way, like... if I haven't asked to stop by that point, I kind of give up. like, even when someone earlier in this thread was talking about gentle sex, and talking about like.. holding back, teasing, bleh that still counts to me as too much "vigour" lol. emotional vigour I guess? I enjoy sexual touch for about 2 minutes before I don't want any more. if I can get myself psyched up a certain way, I can compromise for a partner who I trust, but that just isn't really... right for me. I can find sex arousing and "good" so to speak. but always there is something about sex that is unwantable. for a while I was similar to what sindi describes- tring to be into sex, yet the more intimate the details got, I got grossed out lol. and I mean I still do get a little uneasy with intimate sexual imagery or language. or even a lot uneasy. so, yeah - this sort of anti-interest isn't just limited to people without libido or arousal or something Link to post Share on other sites
sindi Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 2 hours ago, Every Red Heart Shines said: I both have libido, and arousal, and I find vigourous sex to be kind of numbing. like, numbing as in a bad way, like... if I haven't asked to stop by that point, I kind of give up. like, even when someone earlier in this thread was talking about gentle sex, and talking about like.. holding back, teasing, bleh that still counts to me as too much "vigour" lol. emotional vigour I guess? I enjoy sexual touch for about 2 minutes before I don't want any more. if I can get myself psyched up a certain way, I can compromise for a partner who I trust, but that just isn't really... right for me. Interesting, how the vigor can actually make it less exciting. Like... maybe for some people less could be more, and keeping it light and tender could be more arousing that a more vigorous approach? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 42 minutes ago, sindi said: Interesting, how the vigor can actually make it less exciting. Like... maybe for some people less could be more, and keeping it light and tender could be more arousing that a more vigorous approach? Yeah that's exactly how it is for some people. Other people are more like Tele and enjoy when it gets passionate and vigorous etc which could appear aggressive but it's a deeply pleasurable part of lovemaking if both partners are into that, not aggressive but loving and caring for those involved. Sex, the way people have it, comes in sooooo many different variations. There is absolutely no "one box fits all" when it comes to sexual activity between a communicative couple. The trick imo is waiting until you meet a caring, compassionate partner who has some of the same ideas about sex as you do and is enthusiastic to explore and experiment with different things you may enjoy, and who of course will respect your boundaries as you will theirs. What really helped for me was finding someone who literally doesn't mind if we never have sex but is open to anything I may be interested in trying. That's taken so much pressure off me and makes me feel a lot more comfortable and free to try things I may enjoy sexually, knowing it will never become something that's "expected" or required for his happiness (because sex will never be something that's required for my happiness - I need my romantic partner to have the same attitude) You just need to ensure that any potential sexual partner is very open to communication about anything and everything with you, and talking with them a lot about sex. If you're both open, honest, and respectful etc during communication you'll be able to find out if you have similarities in desires or maybe even if you're clearly incompatible (if they're like "I really want to try rough anal!" that's wonderful that they're open with you but that may be a dealbreaker for you personally) - communication about these things is sooo important regardless of whether you're sexually experienced or never had sex but would like to try it. I've met people in the fetish community who have been having sex for decades and have new sexual partners all time and group sex and things, or who are into fetishes that would freak regular people out etc, and all the most experienced people there say that the most important parts of sex are hopen, honest communication and respect of boundaries (before the sex begins and of course during it). That applies if you're a fetish Primal Master or a total virgin. Anyway I'll stop rambling haha. Good luck with the future Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Oh, I like it in all manner of ways.... As I remember. Link to post Share on other sites
sindi Posted January 4, 2017 Author Share Posted January 4, 2017 10 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said: What really helped for me was finding someone who literally doesn't mind if we never have sex but is open to anything I may be interested in trying. That's taken so much pressure off me and makes me feel a lot more comfortable and free to try things I may enjoy sexually, knowing it will never become something that's "expected" or required for his happiness (because sex will never be something that's required for my happiness - I need my romantic partner to have the same attitude) Thank you for the advise and basically giving me hope, that sex doesn't necessary have to be an absolute no-no for me for the rest of my life. Wonderful that you've found such a caring and considerate partner, I'm happy for you! I'm sure, that if someone tried to pressure me into sex, I'd even lose the wary curiosity that I have towards it now, and it would become a total no-no again (at least then and with that person). I think it's a safe bet, because with other things as well, I tend to lose all joy and inspiration, if I'm pressured. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousace Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 The thing that makes me feel weird about sex isn't the aggresiveness, it is the awkwardness. I'm already a socially awkward person and all the social awakedness that comes with real sex with someone else is a turn off. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I don't know our mods' and other users' opinion on digging up old threads, but I've discovered it and I find it resonates with a lot of my own reflections on the topic. I'm personally sex-averse, sexualy inexperienced, but also autochorissexual/anegosexual. Which also means that I have at least two very different levels of sexual acceptance. For the level of "what sexual I could do personally", the answer is: almost nothing, but I'm generally not repulsed when I imagine other people having sex. However, there are things which are disgusting for me also in fantasy. The most obvious thing I could name is: brutal sex. I just don't get its appeal. Quite many women like a bit of humiliation in sex, enjoy being called sluts and for me it's just horrible. I usually don't like imagining straight sex, but the same applies to same-gender partners. In my imagination I strongly prefer the scene to be gentle and equality-oriented. I also have feelings like: it's just not fair that for women that which is believed to be "standard sex" or "normal sex" is so invasive. Isn't it just demanding too much sacrifice from people? I sometimes feel like in different-sex couples, if a man expects his partner to prefer this kind of sex, than he should also be ready to buy his partner a strapon and to be penetrated. Otherwise it's just dishonest to expect his partner to love something that he would personally never try. Link to post Share on other sites
Jackninja5 Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Actually, come to think of it, it does sound a little "aggressive". However, if both partners are fine with it, I don't see an issue there. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I believe the term you're looking for is "tantric sex." However, like others have mentioned, it might be challenging to find a sexual partner who is willing to have slow sex, as some like it faster. Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 7 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said: it's just not fair that for women that which is believed to be "standard sex" or "normal sex" is so invasive. I read that some feminists advocate the verb "engulf" as opposed to "penetrate". That would turn around the invasive aspect, wouldn't it? However, this is the only first-hand quote that I could find in a quick web search: http://feministing.com/2012/03/05/the-problem-with-penetration/ The article that brought the term to my attention is in german: http://www.jetzt.de/jungsfrage/jungs-fragen-maedchen-wer-fickt-hier-eigentlich-wen Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Quote brutal sex. I just don't get its appeal. Quite many women like a bit of humiliation in sex, enjoy being called sluts and for me it's just horrible I don't think as many women like that as porn would have you believe, and many men are very uncomfortable with doing the humiliation too. My experience is that a lot of women like the man to take control - I think it's about being the cause of uncontrolled desire from someone they desire too; it feels good to be desired. In a lot of cases, women are managing jobs and families (emotionally as well as practically), and not having to do that for a while, with the pay off being desired and pleasured, is a really attractive prospect. Quote it's just not fair that for women that which is believed to be "standard sex" or "normal sex" is so invasive. Isn't it just demanding too much sacrifice from people? Well, it's anatomically the case that sex works like that. And for most sexual women, being penetrated isn't a sacrifice, it's very, very much desired. My understanding is that it feels good - I've had it described as feeling physically empty and needing to be filled. Emotionally, surrender to someone you trust not to abuse that surrender is a very intimate experience because they not only don't abuse that trust, but work with it to make you feel good. That's one of the ways that sex can deepen a relationship. Quote engulf I like that concept. Just as most sexual women find the penetration of PIV sex satisfying, I know that as a man, engulfing would be a reflect the satisfaction of being taken inside a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickenPadSeeEew Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 There are many types of sex (they can differ on speed, mood, vigorousness, emotional intimacy, and communication) and different types of sexual acts. Some of these can definitely be slow and subtle. For sure, increasing speed and emotional urgency is liked by many, but it's not the only way. Some people might prefer slow and delicate (e.g. stimulation of the clitoris). Does it have to always end in orgasm? Nope! Well, I can't speak for those with penises, but I know myself and plenty of other people with female anatomy who can still enjoy sex without climaxing. Link to post Share on other sites
CozyPosie Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 It's funny that you mention it's too aggressive...that's one of the only reason why I like sex. I get bored at the idea of having "vanilla" sex with anyone aside from my partner (same-sex, semi open relationship). If it isn't kinky or risqué in any way, I don't bother. So really, it's all about finding what works for you, if sex is truly what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
remanyssa Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Sex is agressive if you do agressive sex. It can be very soft if you and your partner want. Link to post Share on other sites
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