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Woman wants marriage annulled because her husband is asexual


Ettina

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet

I find this horrifying as well. How she describes asexuality was totally wrong and offensive. And NO asexuality ISN'T a sexual dysfunction.

I do agree her situation is grounds for an annulment. Neither party should stay in a relationship that isn't happy.

And look at the bright side of this, if they did get an annulment, the husband is truly blessed. He didn't need that bitch for a wife,anyway.

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(sigh)

 

Sometimes that happens. Incompatibilities happen, but it's a tragedy it came to light that late. No villains here, just a terrible situation. Although I will say it is absolutely 100% the writer's fault for not communicating this with their husband sooner. 

 

Wait a second..."Homesexuality can probably be treated too...(yadda yadda yadda, lots of ignorance)" (plot twist, it's Mike Pence!) Jeez, this person's a nasty piece of work, but I still don't find anything particularly wrong with leaving a marriage that isn't working. I dunno, nothing more to say than "these things happen". 

 

EDIT: To clarify, I find the writer's views horrifying, but not the fact that she wants to leave a marriage.

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet
1 minute ago, Polygon said:

(sigh)

 

Sometimes that happens. Incompatibilities happen, but it's a tragedy it came to light that late. No villains here, just a terrible situation. Although I will say it is absolutely 100% the writer's fault for not communicating this with her husband sooner. 

 

Wait a second..."Homesexuality can probably be treated too...(yadda yadda yadda)" (plot twist, it's Mike Pence) Jeez, this person's a nasty piece of work, but I still don't find anything particularly wrong with leaving a marriage that isn't working. I dunno, nothing more to say than "these things happen". 

I agree with you 100% 

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nanogretchen4

I certainly don't think it's 100% or even 50% the writer's fault. The husband was already making lame excuses not to have sex on their honeymoon. He certainly knew prior to the marriage that he had no intention of having sex with his wife at any normal frequency. He concealed this fact from her, likely reasoning that once they were married she would have to put up with it. And indeed she did for fourteen years, probably only because of her religious beliefs. I'm relieved to learn that her religion finally gave her an escape route.

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Ok everyone just simmer down :D The article was from EWTN which is a catholic website. I don't think a Christian is automatically nutter just because they have a different belief system. There are many people in this world who simply do not understand or have full knowledge of alternate sexualities. This does not make them bad people just ill informed.

 

That being said I was raised Catholic so I have an insiders view. In a Catholic marriage sex is an expected component. the fact that this man entered a Catholic Marriage or any marriage knowing he was asexual and not telling his partner is unconscionable. That is withholding critical information that the prospective partner has a right to know so they can make an informed decision before entering the marriage.

 

As far as getting an annulment...the woman has a right within the confines of the church to ask for this so she can remarry within the Catholic Church.

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just cause her views seem idiotic and/or nuts doesn't mean she doesn't have a point about the actual issue that made her write the whole thing. the guy never said anything, made lame excuses and lied and eventually had the guts to say "you should've figured". why is it her job to do all the communicating when he is fighting communication tooth and nails? her husband is being a real [insert ToS violating word of choice] and I wouldn't blame her for anything she could say about asexuality. 14 years, damn, must she be frustrated and lonely. anything to make you feel better. you go, christian nutter wife. 

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      Divorce is never pleasant, and I've witnessed firsthand how a lack of communication can make a marriage hell, not only for those involved, but for their kids as well. It's hard to entirely blame either party in this situation. Yes, this woman has some insulting and ill-informed views on asexuality, and yes, her husband really should have discussed things with her before they were married. At the same time though, it's understandable why he may have found it very difficult to come clean about being asexual, considering some of the ideas the catholic church seems to have about asexuality. 

 

      Ultimately, this story speaks to the need for greater visibility of asexuals and more education for the rest of the world. Asexuality is not a disease, a dysfunction, or a problem. The problem is that few people outside of the Asexual community feel the need to educate themselves on the subject.

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15 minutes ago, Starfall said:

    Ultimately, this story speaks to the need for greater visibility of asexuals and more education for the rest of the world. Asexuality is not a disease, a dysfunction, or a problem. The problem is that few people outside of the Asexual community feel the need to educate themselves on the subject.

Just just thought I'd mention that people have to know something exists before they educate themselves. Furthermore, even people who discover that they are in fact asexual take some time to understand and come to terms with their new reality.

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@Spiritus55 -  as someone raised Catholic, you might know the answer to this. If she has her marriage annulled, wouldn't her two daughters suddenly become illegitimate? it was the first thing that struck me after reading that, and it seemed that it should be something she could consider.

 

Sorry everyone else. That question was a bit off topic, I know. I found the whole thing very sad, having been through a similar scenario in a relationship - although I didn't know I was asexual. The word didn't exist to explain a sexual orientation then. I just had a very, very low sex drive. I learned over the years there was no way my partner could understand or accept this, no matter what I said and even after we went to counselling. In his eyes, it was all my fault and I was a horrible person, incapable of love. 

So even with education, sometimes a bruised and hurting ego will get in the way of a peaceful solution. 

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No the children will not be illegitimate.

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Just a friendly, little reminder to please respect eachothers religion/beliefs.For example: Calling those who share christian conservative beliefs "Nutters" will not bring anything positive to the discussion but will rather bring a negative message to those who also share christian/conservative views. It's totally ok to disagree but i'd like to ask everyone to please do so in a respectful manner.

 

Thank you

 

Jayce, Asexual Relationships moderator.

 

 

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OK, I understood her viewpoint until somewhere around this little sentence: "I told him either he return to our bed and we have marital relations on a regular basis or I want him to leave "

 

I...no. Ultimatums like that are HORRIBLE ways of dealing with this. You basically just told your husband to either make himself go through this or it's over! And then the rest of this destroyed any sympathy I had. Asexual or not, the husband doesn't need anybody like that.

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I was happy to read the important tiny last bit: "

Answer by Rev. Mark J. Gantley, JCL on 4/28/2005:

Yes, I would say that what you are describing would be a very easy case for a declaration of nullity.

COPYRIGHT 2017"

An AFAIK otherwise rather demanding church showing it's lenient side. (IDK how to end the background colored box around my text.)

I think we should not really judge the text by the woman. - It was written on purpose to put her mixed marriage into an anullable light.

 

On the entire issue: From my understanding the couple married refrained or fucked it up and got divorced . <-"Not unusual". The only difference here: She asks the church to assist clearing the mess with her religious overhead.

German common law borrowed from jus canonici; it knows / offers annulling not consumed marriages too. - Its a fast lane to divorce there; the regular approach demands the couple to split for a year first. But here we seem just looking at patching religious overhead like (overly simplyfied): "I'll do a little Voodoo and you don't need to go to hell for eating a sausage on a Friday." i.e. something a non-catholic will never need to understand.

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To those who are judging the husband for not telling her sooner - what if he didn't know? Maybe he only recently realized why he's never interested in sex.

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nanogretchen4

He wasn't obligated to tell her why he wasn't interested in sex. He was absolutely obligated to tell her that he wasn't interested in sex and that he had no good faith intention to have regular sex within marriage if he could possibly avoid it.  That is information that he knew prior to the marriage. Under cover of waiting for marriage he knowingly trapped her in a contract she would not have given informed consent to. And within Catholicism there is absolutely a language for expressing a lack of desire for a sexual relationship, such as "having a vocation for celibacy." You know what a Catholic should not do if they have a vocation for celibacy? Get married.

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Username_2017
5 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

He wasn't obligated to tell her why he wasn't interested in sex. He was absolutely obligated to tell her that he wasn't interested in sex and that he had no good faith intention to have regular sex within marriage if he could possibly avoid it.  That is information that he knew prior to the marriage. Under cover of waiting for marriage he knowingly trapped her in a contract she would not have given informed consent to. And within Catholicism there is absolutely a language for expressing a lack of desire for a sexual relationship, such as "having a vocation for celibacy." You know what a Catholic should not do if they have a vocation for celibacy? Get married.

This is what confuses me about sexuality!! I thought I was asexual.. Turns out I am not.

 

I have only recently found out by coming to AVEN that you are expected to have regular sex!! And I am sexual...

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Telecaster68

Well, most people go into marriage with that expectation, yes, but if yours works without, I don't think the shag police will rappel through your window to check the sheets... 

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Telecaster68
Quote

You basically just told your husband to either make himself go through this or it's over! And then the rest of this destroyed any sympathy I had.

And he'd told her to make herself go through a sexless marriage for the rest of her life or it's over. They're both intransigent, the question is who could've prevented it getting to that point, and the answer is only him. 

 

 

 

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After reading this article I do not think that after 14 years his lack of desire should be grounds for an annulment, just to answer her question. 

 

Why?

 

Because they did have sexual relations sometimes.  Obvioulsly because they have children.  Also, it was quite easy by any measure to my mind to ascertain before they married that he was not very interested in sexual relations.  I never dated a man who was not pushing for sex early in the relationship and I, too, am catholic.

 

I lost interest in sex in my 30s.  I enjoyed it when I had it, but it was never something that I needed to have. When I was in my 20s however, I was very interested in it and affectionate.

 

IMO, now, I do not see it as a sexual dysfunction but rather a preference.  I am not ashamed of my body or sex, I just do not have much interest in getting all sweaty and entangled for the purpose of a brief orgasm.  To me sex feels to be a primitive and useless urge, particularly once past child bearing age. 

 

Unfortunately my husband did not feel similarly.  He had an affair and that destroyed our marriage.  My husbands affair partner was also married to a man that was no longer interested in sex.  Eventually my ex husband learned that this woman was having affairs with four other men while with him.  Oh well.  So much for love and lust.

 

IMO, the interest in sex is driven by Hollywood.   They make it seem almost essential to a happy relationship.  To me, companion type love is far more intimate and indicative of real love rather than lust.  It is about trust and having someone to watch your back and be there for you during the tough times. 

 

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Telecaster68

If your husband had decided in his thirties that he just couldn't be bothered talking to you any more as it no longer served any purpose, and your religious forbade you to talk to any other men (like say the more extreme forms of of Islam) would that have been okay with you? 

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Joe the Stoic

You know, it's easy to point fingers at the woman here, but let's be fair.  She got caught up in something for which she had no reasonable expectation, and there is nothing wrong with her standing up for her own interests.  Like she said, sex is an expectation in marriage.  It's why marriage exists.  Marriage was originally an institution to support and track bloodlines, and to an extent it still is, especially for opposite-sex couples.

 

I never plan to get married.  Any relationship I enter I intend to be something where I have the freedom to walk out, if need be.  Even then, I would not enter a romance unless I was prepared to have sex with that person at some point.  I would have this expectation even if the girl were asexual.  Maybe she will want to have a lot of kids.  Maybe her hormones will shift and produce sexual desire in her one day.  Who knows? 

 

I just know that if you enter a romance, marriage or not, you'd better be ready to give a good answer if your partner asks about sex.  If this woman is to be believed, it appears that her husband failed to do this for almost fifteen years.

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BobRossRules

My first marriage was annulled.  My ex described it as a "sexual dysfunction" and thus the annulment was granted as our marriage was never consummated.  At the time, there was no orientation of asexuality and it was assumed I "denied" him.  With my second divorce, an annulment was not possible due to some state law.  Anyway, with some slight alterations in details, that article could have been written by both of my exes.  However, both of them had no clue about asexuality (neither did I at the time of our separations)      

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16 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If your husband had decided in his thirties that he just couldn't be bothered talking to you any more as it no longer served any purpose, and your religious forbade you to talk to any other men (like say the more extreme forms of of Islam) would that have been okay with you? 

Hi Telecaster:

 

Interesting question.  But I would never marry someone of an islamic faith because I do not like the way they treat women in aggregate.  So the issue would never arise for me.

 

I do not however think talking to someone can be compared to sex.  Talking is not something that is done exclusively with a marriage partner in a normal marriage.  People do not typically consider talking to be a sacred aspect of a marriage, in the USA where I live.

 

But to answer your question more precisely.  No, If my husband were suddenly stuck dumb or lost interest in speaking with his mouth, and preferred or could  not talk, It would not offend me and I would still stay married to him. There are many ways to communicate other than speech, just as there are many ways to show love other than sex. 

 

Also, a person who wants an orgasm, need not have sex with another person, they can experience the orgasm by masturbating.

 

But, you know, Had my husband asked to have an outside relationship that was just sexual, I probably would have been okay with that.  His new relationship however was not just sexual, it was emotional and sexual and financial. That was the deal breaker.   He not only spend more time with this affair partner, he spent more money on her than he did me.  When he learned she had four other sexual partners including him, I really thought that was poetic justice.  She was a bimbo and had sex on the brain constantly.

 

After his affair, when he wanted to work things out, and I asked if it would be okay if I went off on outings with another man who was just friends and had a deep emotional relationship with that man, while he stayed home, he wigged.  

 

But truly, had he engaged a call girl simply to get his rocks off, I would have been cool with that.  Having sex with a call girl is not a relationship and does not threaten the emotional bond.

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Telecaster68

I'm in the UK and talk isn't monogamous here either. I'm making an analogy. 

 

In this analogy, your position is like post it notes on the fridge about whether bills have been paid being fine as you only communication with any one else for the rest of your life. Perfectly functional, after all,  and that's your only criterion for something being needed in a marriage. And you don't get to talk to anyone else, ever. That's also part of the analogy. 

 

And sex isn't entirely or even mostly about orgasm, it's about sharing something intense and intimate bonding with the person closest to you. Masturbation is no substitute, not even close. That's why having sex with a call girl isn't a solution for most sexuals. It's not about purely a physical release. 

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Username_2017
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Well, most people go into marriage with that expectation, yes, but if yours works without, I don't think the shag police will rappel through your window to check the sheets... 

I wonder if my parents relationship has anything to do with my views, they are completely unaffectionate with each other. They are very much in love and on the outside it looks like a companionship! I was really surprised, when I originally thought I was asexual, that both of them didn't agree with my asexual views 😂 

 

I also wasn't allowed to ask any questions about sex when I was younger and masturbation was a bad word. 

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19 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm in the UK and talk isn't monogamous here either. I'm making an analogy. 

 

In this analogy, your position is like post it notes on the fridge about whether bills have been paid being fine as you only communication with any one else for the rest of your life. Perfectly functional, after all,  and that's your only criterion for something being needed in a marriage. And you don't get to talk to anyone else, ever. That's also part of the analogy. 

 

And sex isn't entirely or even mostly about orgasm, it's about sharing something intense and intimate bonding with the person closest to you. Masturbation is no substitute, not even close. That's why having sex with a call girl isn't a solution for most sexuals. It's not about purely a physical release. 

Hi Telecaster:

 

I understand you were making an analogy.  My point was that your analogy compared apples to oranges.  I also answered your analogy with a resounding "no" I would not divorce my husband or find someone else to talk to because I would find other ways to communicate. 

 

There are many other ways to show affection and to bond intimately.  You cans snuggle, you can hold hands, you can boost their ego, you can do all manner of kind things.  I did all those things for my husband.   Sex need not be associated with a loving intimate relationship.

 

Do you think the woman whom he had an affair with who was secretly stooping four other men, unknown to him, really had a loving intimate connection with my husband?  NO. She just likes sex.

 

After his affair, he regretted it, but it was too late, the trust was broken with me, just as his trust was broken when he learned his affair partner was secretly stooping four other men.

 

When He asked her why, he was not enough for her, she said because my ex-husband could only get it up once for a session of sex and she liked a man that could get it up at least twice. Does that sound shallow or is it just me?  Does that fall far short of an intimate loving relationship, or is that just me?

 

He learned the hard way that intimacy and love are not spurred by sex.  He found his affair partner anything but intimate after he learned she was stooping four other men.  Yet, now he wants to rekindle our marriage.  No way.   He is too confused about what love and intimacy are.  I would rather be alone.  But you know, I am finding more and more that I do not have to be alone, if I do not want to be. 

 

There are plenty of men who have a sexual dysfunction, or who simply have no interest in sex and they seek out my company.

 

The sad thing is that my husband's interest in sex has waned and oh well, that's his problem now.    I am quite happy dating and being single again.  Who knew?

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19 hours ago, Little_Jo said:

I wonder if my parents relationship has anything to do with my views, they are completely unaffectionate with each other. They are very much in love and on the outside it looks like a companionship! I was really surprised, when I originally thought I was asexual, that both of them didn't agree with my asexual views 😂 

 

I also wasn't allowed to ask any questions about sex when I was younger and masturbation was a bad word. 

Excellent point, Little Jo.  Sex and affection and intimacy are not always interconnected.  Too many times, sex is just sex without affection, love, or intimacy attached.

 

As for those who say they go into marriage with the expectancy of sex.  I would agree that may be true for the child bearing years.  Once past fifty however. sex should not be an expectation.  Many men in their 40s experience sexual dysfunction due to hormonal or heart issues.  Many women lose interest in sex due to hormonal issues. 

 

That is what the real expectancy should be.   After a very long marriage, sex should not be the primary bond.  If it is, it almost always causes problems.

 

I had an acquaintance. who lost interest in weekly sex in her 40s due to hormonal issues.  She only had a desire for sex about once a month.  Her husband literally bullied her into having sex with him once  week. 

 

Now, in her 50s, he has Erectile dysfunction.  He literally can not have sex at all.  She is now cheating on him with a man who can have sex once a month.  She does not feel one bit guilty because he bullied her into having sex more than she wanted.  Now because his johnson does not work at all, she can not bully him because his johnson doesn't work at all.

 

She said she would never have considered cheating had he not humiliated and bullied her into sex once a week by threatening to divorce her at ridiculing her to all her friends. 

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2 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

I think the word is shtupping.

Thanks.:redface:  I am glad that I got my point across, even though it was misspelled.  As you likely already know.  Shtupping is not that important to me, no matter how you spell it. :D

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