Why do women smile at strangers?

[Joe the Stoic]

25 minutes ago, Janus DarkFox said:

Many here ask such questions which i see a lot more common on an autism spectrum forum. 

Well, I'm not autistic.  I'm just aware of differences and like to ponder why they exist.  I don't just take them for granted and never have curiosity.

 

You don't have to be autistic to be baffled by social norms.  Some social norms are peculiar when you stop to think about them.

[Midnight Star]

I think it's a cultural thing. I notice this in America, but I don't see it in Japan. 

 

 

[SorryNotSorry]

Heh... I should try making a slightly dopey-looking smile at strangers who make eye contact with me. Maybe I could even cross my eyes a little when I do it.

[Éadweard]

20 hours ago, Joe Parrish said:

I have noticed that this is a thing that women do that men do not.  If I pass by a woman in public, and we are even vaguely looking toward each other, she will smile at me.  This seems to be a thing that women of all ages do too.  Even recently, this girl about my age was walking down a grocery store aisle, arms locked with her boyfriend, and even she shot me a smile.

 

Men don't seem to smile.  A brief moment of eye contact elicits mostly nothing.  I know I don't go around smiling at people.  Why is there this difference?

I'm a man. I smile at others. It's called being polite. 

[Nylocke]

I guess its the same thing that makes females go crazy when they see small babies. Yesterday at the dentist one of the ladies that works there came in on her day off with her baby who's like 2 or something. All the woman at the front desk went CRAAAZY o-o I didn't understand it just like I don't understand how females just smile at folks. Although I have to be honest and say I've seen some men do that but mostly older men ...

[nanogretchen4]

I frequently see both men and women go gaga over babies. Babies are adorable. It's super fun to smile at them and see if I can get them to smile back. If they are newborns who can't smile yet I just start talking to them and they usually stop crying and stare at me. Male voices don't calm newborns quite as effectively, but in my experience men like babies about as much as women do.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

And some of us don't go gaga over babies either, AFAB or not...

[Skycaptain]

Isn't Baby Gaga a celebrity of some description ? 

[fatal flower-boy]

I really don't know why women do it. They surely do it more than men, but I have seen men do it. Maybe its because of male and female stereotypes, you know.. women are tend to be warmer while men need to hold up their masculine personas.. no showing emotion! Eh, idk, of course not every man and women acts like this, but these are kind of like social expectations.

 

I guess this is kind of off topic, But I feel that despite the reason, why not? Why not smile at a stranger? I read a story about a guy who took his life. He left a letter that said if anyone took the time out to smile at him or give him a hug before he took his life, he wouldn't do it. Just a simple smile or hug would've made him feel better. I think about this all the time, so i make sure to smile, because I may have just made someone's day. 

 

I'm sorry that I made the mood sad .__.

 

[Hermit Advocate]

I consciously do it at work because we have to appear welcoming and helpful to customers. The rest of the time if I smile at people it's because that's what society has dictated that I, as a woman, should do when encountering people to make myself appear pleasant. 

[AspieAngel]

I never really paid attention. I am usually oblivious to my surroundings when I am out and about. 

[Tarfeather]

I see that very rarely. Might be a cultural difference, or a difference in the impression you make on others. Probably both. You know, they might just find you pleasing to look at, and have their emotions show on their face? It's not like all smiles are a conscious effort, and the ones that are usually feel incredibly fake and forced (to me, at least).

[Tarfeather]

On 12/24/2016 at 4:58 AM, Joe Parrish said:

Well, I'm not autistic.  I'm just aware of differences and like to ponder why they exist.  I don't just take them for granted and never have curiosity.

 

You don't have to be autistic to be baffled by social norms.  Some social norms are peculiar when you stop to think about them.

Geez, that could be fodder for a thread of its own. Can any intelligent person even claim with confidence not to be autistic in the least? There's a reason some prefer to use the phrase "neurodiversity spectrum", because with how pathologized being different is, autism spectrum has become a catch-all term for anyone who's just that, different.

[Joe the Stoic]

5 minutes ago, Tarfeather said:

Can any intelligent person even claim with confidence not to be autistic in the least?

Yes.

[SorryNotSorry]

On December 24, 2016 at 7:36 AM, Nylocke said:

I guess its the same thing that makes females go crazy when they see small babies. Yesterday at the dentist one of the ladies that works there came in on her day off with her baby who's like 2 or something. All the woman at the front desk went CRAAAZY o-o I didn't understand it just like I don't understand how females just smile at folks. Although I have to be honest and say I've seen some men do that but mostly older men ...

 

Hoo boy... neurologists with their brain-scan machines could have a field day...

[fuzzipueo]

On 12/24/2016 at 1:23 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

And some of us don't go gaga over babies either, AFAB or not...

Yeah, it drives me nuts. Everyone else is fawning over the baby and I'm at my desk wondering what the big deal is.

[Nylocke]

10 hours ago, Woodworker1968 said:

 

Hoo boy... neurologists with their brain-scan machines could have a field day...

I tried to ask mom and she said its because "every woman has a motherly instinct in them" ... I just thought "wow let me not" o-o

[Rynn]

I remember being 4 years old and being told not to have such an 'angry expression' on my face by family members and teachers. I wasn't angry. That was just my face in resting position. Seriously, everyone tells you to smile from the time you're a freaking toddler.

 

I don't tend to smile at strangers, but when I do, it's because otherwise they might think I'm a creep that's been staring at them. It's to make being caught looking at someone less awkward and creepy. 

[fuzzipueo]

4 hours ago, Nylocke said:

I tried to ask mom and she said its because "every woman has a motherly instinct in them" ... I just thought "wow let me not" o-o

Uhm, no, not all women have a "motherly instinct". I certainly don't and there are very few kids I like being around.

[borkfork]

12 minutes ago, fuzzipueo said:

Uhm, no, not all women have a "motherly instinct". I certainly don't and there are very few kids I like being around.

I think I have an anti-motherly instinct. As in "urge to destroy rising..."

[012]

On 12/23/2016 at 3:12 PM, Greenmeadow said:

I smile unless I'm in a big hurry or in a big crowd - but I would acknowledge someone I'm passing on the street for sure.  I find it a little sad when people look away and do everything to avoid eye contact.  Sometimes I will make extra effort if someone seems depressed or preoccupied.  It's just a little thing we can do for each other during our shared time on earth. 

Those of you who don't smile...how do you feel when someone smiles at you?  Do you feel acknowledged?  Strange?  This is an interesting topic. 

It is an interesting topic, since I've noticed the same pattern as the OP.

 

When a stranger smiles at me I feel a combination of "that's pretty nice" and "why is she smiling at me?".

 

My reaction when this happens depends on how introverted I'm feeling at the moment. Usually I just nervously look away.  But if I'm feeling a little more outgoing then usual I'll return a quick little smile. Or if she really locks eyes with me then I'll usually return the smile just to not be rude.  I'm just not a smiley person by nature so I have to kind of force myself to do it.  I don't hate others or anything like that, it's just not my nature to be expressive to strangers like that. 

[Leona26]

I try to avoid eye contact with people I don't know. After a decade in retail, when I do make eye contact, I smile at people on instinct. It lets them know I'm friendly and willing to help, I guess, but I forget to turn it off when I'm not at work and don't really want to spend time trying to help people in a place I've never been before.

[sindi]

I don't have this experience at all. To me it seems like women just give me their resting bitch face just as often as men do, and I also don't make an effort to smile myself, unless the other person smiles first or I'm in a particularly good mood and feel like brightening someone's day. Maybe it's just a cultural question (I'm from Finland).

[aurroralennox]

To show that their not a threat. also just being freindly

[Alex.andra]

hum... I'm wondering maybe it's not just country/culture but also a matter of big city or not. The combination of both.

 

I know that, depending on where you are, not smiling in females is considered as unfriendly. In a small town for example, civility is important so not smiling and saying hello is bad form. In places with a small community respect to that community and keeping it friendly is important, so you better smile. Specially for a woman (men can be serious or preoccupied, women apparently can not).
But where I live (Barcelona) even if relatively small in km2 and population (not so in population density), it feels like any other big city, crammed, overpopulated and pls mind your own business so we can all share this space.

Here not smiling to people you don't know and aren´t your customers is considered the normal and sane thing to do. It just means you are doing your own thing. Also, as a woman, smiling to men is paramount to an invitation. If you work with customers that invitation is in the context of "welcome customer" so that's fine. But outside of that context, the invitation is problematic as it can easily be understood as "Welcome to my space, come talk to me". So, no, we don't smile to unknown people, and specially not unknown men unless we do want to talk or want to ask something that's not worrisome or urgent.

Completely different thing if you or someone else is simply smiling. Not at you but just... in general... that's nice and puts you in a good mood and even if they look at you at that moment it means nothing beyond "oh he/she is happy".

Now, I'm conscious many consider Catalans aloof and distant. So there IS a cultural aspect. But in a small town you still might want to do the smiling thing and hello to strangers.

 

My guess is women smile at men in places where there is that biass about women having to be nice and where, at the same time, smiling at someone doesn´t means putting out the welcome mat.

[Tirnanog]

Many reasons:

I work in customer service, and you have to smile so that people tip better and act more politely. Some people have a 'resting' smiling face (that is, their default expression) Sometimes people are just in a good mood.

Gender-specific reasons include:

Smiling to defuse a frightening or at least awkward situation (i.e. someone harassing you) so that they don't see you as a threat so they won't follow up on this ("If I just smile and keep walking maybe he'll leave me alone")- remember that a lot of women grew up thinking of themselves as physically weak, and are generally smaller than men, plus responding negatively labels you as 'overreacting', so many women try to diffuse a situation by avoiding it rather than have a confrontation. Best case scenario, you're called a bitch, worst case scenario you can be physically attacked for your 'rejection'.

Another reason is to appear warm and friendly, because even looking bored or exhausted can have you labeled as a 'frigid bitch'. Sometimes smiles aren't supposed to look genuine on purpose- a woman is more likely than a man to put on a clearly fake smile (at least clearly fake to someone who knows her) to silently ask her friends to help her out, especially when she's being bullied. 

There are plenty of reasons why we smile- a good indicator on whether the smile is genuine or fake is to look for crinkles at the eyes. If the smile doesn't meet the eyes, the person is probably trying to be polite, is nervous, annoyed, angry or even just mindlessly responding. Please don't take any of these smiles as an invitation to hit on the person, especially if their body language shows that they aren't otherwise interested.

[SorryNotSorry]

On December 27, 2016 at 5:07 AM, Nylocke said:

I tried to ask mom and she said its because "every woman has a motherly instinct in them" ... I just thought "wow let me not" o-o

I think all the women in my family who had kids, had an instinct to kill kids who were smarter than most adults.

[Nylocke]

On 12/27/2016 at 0:44 PM, fuzzipueo said:

Uhm, no, not all women have a "motherly instinct". I certainly don't and there are very few kids I like being around.

Heh I can't even tolerate being around my neices and nephew for so long and they're blood. So strange children are totally out of the question

 

On 12/28/2016 at 10:45 PM, Woodworker1968 said:

I think all the women in my family who had kids, had an instinct to kill kids who were smarter than most adults.

Thats too funny !!

[Jemima]

I do it often.

It's just a way of acknowledging someone.

I tend to do it more when I'm in a good mood.

[SorryNotSorry]

Strange, I don't think the Resting Bitch Face looks ominous at all.

 

I never even heard of it until this thread.