Gf wants to test her boundaries.

[VeryOriginal]

My Gf said she's willing to try light sexual contact to gauge what she's ok with. I brought up marriage and and my well developed sexuality and now wants to give small things a try. I don't feel comfortable with this sudden change in her interest of sex and feel she may only be doing it cause she thinks it's what I want. Any sexuals feel like their partner only for a lack of a better term humors their sexual needs despite their feelings?

[Telecaster68]

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Any sexuals feel like their partner only for a lack of a better term humors their sexual needs despite their feelings?

I'd say most of us, from reading posts on here. It's difficult though - what we feel as humouring or tolerating can actually be them making a massive effort to lovingly give us what we need, and that's a wonderful thing for them to do and not to be dismissed. But it's maybe not enough, because in the end we don't just want sex, we want to be desired, and for them to share the joy. And they can't. It's not going to happen. So we still feel rejected and hurt (even though we know rationally they're rejecting sex, not us), but know that's not fair. Meanwhile they're probably sensing that despite their best efforts, they can't give us what we need (and it is a need) in the relationship.

 

Some of this stuff can be compromised one, faked or tolerated for a while. But in the long term I think it's almost always exhausting for both partners, and traumatising (the sexual feels utterly unwanted, the asexual feels exploited). Both feel guilty. It may not kill the relationship, but it's extremely difficult to get through.

 

 

[Lara Black]

Hello, Original.

I had this fear for a while, but there were two things that changed my mind. First – my partner is obviously very happy when he makes me feel so good. Therefore, if we stopped making love, that would not only rob me of sexual pleasures – that would also rob him of quite some joy. Second, there are physical things that he likes, too, and they have been discovered during such “experiments” in bed. So, in our case, they proved to be very beneficial for both of us.

[MrDane]

The desire part has to be taken out and it leaves the sexual with a mutual agreement/contract-feeling about a 'sexual' massage, done with love, but not lust. It can be a lot better than masturbating, and can even be great, fun and enjoyable for both. 

My advice would be to not get the expectations to high. And take it as a good sign, that she wants to do it for your sake. Find out what she is okay with. But there is a big risk, that if she moans and groans and turns and moves, like you have secretly dreamed about making her, that it is NOT because you have woken her 'forgotten' sexmonster. This is a huge backfire and sometimes  leaves the sexual with greater frustration than before. 

[Tarfeather]

10 hours ago, MrDane said:

The desire part has to be taken out and it leaves the sexual with a mutual agreement/contract-feeling about a 'sexual' massage, done with love, but not lust. It can be a lot better than masturbating, and can even be great, fun and enjoyable for both.

That sums it up very well.

[winchester.kaz2y5]

hey everyone this is a great convo so I thought I'd throw in my ten cents. If your asexual partner wants to experiment and test boundaries remind them they don't have to if they don't want to but if they persist you should let them if your comfortable as well because when a person who is usually sex repulsed becomes open to it, it means they REALLY love you and want you to be happy. If they test their limits they can feel comfortable and feel good about making you happy.

[ChickenPadSeeEew]

Sometimes (these days) I really do want to see what I'm okay with. (Even if it is mostly out of love, closeness, and desire to give to him.)

 

I'd double, triple check that she knows she don't have to, but if you're all right with it (because you get to give your consent too!), I'd go with it. But be open to the outcome, whatever it is. Which might be "no". Or not.