Ace brain/allo body? Identity crisis alert.

[Keen]

I'm needing some advice in a BIG WAY.

 

When I was about to turn 21 I saw the word "romanticality" for the first time, did some digging, and found asexuality.  It was like a lightbulb going off in my head, everything suddenly made sense and I felt an overwhelming sense of relief.  Since then, I've been identifying as biromantic/ace as a playing card, with a side of sex-repulsed (I've never watched anything or done anything with anyone or even with myself, it's all just gross to me).  I'm about to turn 25 now, I'm out to everybody, and I'm perfectly happy with my identity.  I love being ace, talking about it, answering people's questions, it's all good.

 

About a month and a half ago I started dating somebody for the first time in my life (we'll call them B).  B is fully aware and respectful of my ace identity, though he is definitely super allo.  Since we started dating we've spent a good amount of time making out, which I was surprised to find I rather enjoyed (I'd only ever kissed one other person when I was 20 and it was... meh).  Recently things have been getting a little more intense, which is occasionally overwhelming, but B checks in with me on the regular and stops whenever I want, and all the clothes are definitely staying on.  B has been very patient with me and is trying very, very hard to understand where I'm coming from and how to handle it.

 

Recently, though, I've been having a bit of an identity crisis because my brain and my body don't seem to be on the same page.  When I think about sleeping with somebody, I'm still just as repulsed, and the idea is just as unfathomable as ever.  But the last couple of times we've been making out, my body seems to be going full steam ahead until my brain realizes what is happening, freaks out, and brings everything to a crashing halt.  As a bonus, I couldn't even explain to B what was happening because I couldn't figure it out myself, which was upsetting and confusing to both of us.  I feel awful because B is trying so hard to be understanding, and it just seems to be getting more complicated as things go on.  Last night I figured it out on some level, hence this post, but we haven't had a chance to talk since then, and even when we do I know I'll struggle because my ace brain is repulsed by the topic and doesn't want to say the words that I need to use to explain.

 

Beyond actually being repulsed at the idea of the act, I've always been so relieved that I'm ace because the idea of sleeping with somebody scares the absolute shit out of me.  I'm biologically female, so there are bonus risks involved and holy hell on earth I honestly think I would rather die then end up pregnant.  Whenever I'd see anything about birth control or things of that ilk I'd be like, wow thank god I'm ace and don't have to deal with that hellscape.  And now my body is betraying me and I'm ending up terrified and miserable and doubting everything I ever thought I knew about myself.

 

I know I need to talk this out with B, and I will, but first I think I need to understand what's happening a little more.  Any advice, vocabulary, or similar experiences would be so, so welcome.  💜

[HobbitGirl]

Being asexual doesn't mean your body stops having a libido. It's fully okay if you're enjoying those moments of intimacy because it feels good to your body. Just as long as you're comfortable to do so. Define it however you like really

[WoodwindWhistler]

First of all, we've covered a topic called "responsive desire" here before.

In Skullery's opinion, that makes you not on the ace spectrum, but in my personal opinion, it does. If you are utterly unconcerned with sex, that is significant to me. Maybe it's just because we are so awash in a sexual culture that the contrast shows up more, but eh. 

My response on page four of the thread is thus:

"Considering they have much more sway over culture (and peoples' bodies!!!) than we do, I think people identifying as gray ace is much less of a problem than the medical establishment normalizing "male style" sexuality and proposing to "fix" people.

And, what you said is actually not breaking down anything. What you said was that 30% of men are gray, and most women are. Okay, then. We're more clearly seeing the entire spectrum, and how it relates to sex/gender then. Chipping away at the ideological notion that men and women are "the same" that many (*cough* mainstream feminists) like to promote. The "white" the "gray" and the "black." I think that people coming on here and talking about how they *don't* like it when partners touch them is qualifying for blackish. I think if they have *never* experienced a rom crush, that is also significant, as women tend to at *least* do *that*, right??

In fact, if "gray ace" is the vocabulary that's de-normalizing this false norm, I say POUR ON THE OIL and LIGHT UP THAT SUCKER, dangit!"

Also- you do know that there are other ways to stimulate each other than regular sex, right? I'm a pretty big proponent of non-penetrative acts myself. (and toys) Women do indeed have a lot more to lose on that front, whether it be from pain, the myriad of unpleasant side effects of birth control, etc. Even just the pH changes from the act can be annoying and irritating. So, my personal advice would be stick to you guns on that one, unless you for some reason feel differently later. 

[binary suns]

A person who's body physically responds to another human and that physically wants another human, is in fact experiencing sexual desire, known as responsive sexual desire. Currently it is considered that precisely sexual desire, which includes but is not limited to this sensation, that denotes whether a person isn't asexual or is. 

 

do note that if it is as specific as when and only when your erogenous zones are stimulated, your body then becomes physically aroused, and no mental experience results - no desires, cravings, emotional pleasure for the partner's touch, or similar emotions arise - then that is just your body's function, your body is going autopilot, I would not call this sexual desire necessarily. If afterwards you realize it was good and you want it again, or if during it you feel emotions that are asking for more of these sensations or for more of your partner, then I would say you are experiencing responsive desire. 

 

 

 

I would recommend identifying as greysexual - that you have sexual feelings to a certain extent, but which is also limited in a way that leaves you wishing for relationships with low sexual activity or none at all. 

 

The basic idea of greysexuality is that it is neither asexuality, nor sexuality, but somewhere in between, a grey area.

 

 

Generally I would recommend spending time to think about your experiences and to research the language regarding sexuality and other people's experiences, when I fist came to aven I was kind of scared and definitely frustrated with my situation, but after about a year of learning and exploration around the community I was more comfortable with things. If it takes time to get used to knowing about our quirks as an individual, that is OK, and spending the time is worth it

 

 

 

 

[Florenna]

On 12/21/2016 at 1:39 PM, WoodwindWhistler said:

And, what you said is actually not breaking down anything. What you said was that 30% of men are gray, and most women are. Okay, then. We're more clearly seeing the entire spectrum, and how it relates to sex/gender then. Chipping away at the ideological notion that men and women are "the same" that many (*cough* mainstream feminists) like to promote.

That's really interesting...! And what I have been thinking as well...

I know you were replying to someone else there, but as I'm fairly new here and so obviously haven't seen the original thread... I guess I need to dig it up  

[WoodwindWhistler]

On 12/21/2016 at 10:07 AM, Every Red Heart Shines said:

A person who's body physically responds to another human and that physically wants another human, is in fact experiencing sexual desire, known as responsive sexual desire. Currently it is considered that precisely sexual desire, which includes but is not limited to this sensation, that denotes whether a person isn't asexual or is. 

 

do note that if it is as specific as when and only when your erogenous zones are stimulated, your body then becomes physically aroused, and no mental experience results - no desires, cravings, emotional pleasure for the partner's touch, or similar emotions arise - then that is just your body's function, your body is going autopilot, I would not call this sexual desire necessarily. If afterwards you realize it was good and you want it again, or if during it you feel emotions that are asking for more of these sensations or for more of your partner, then I would say you are experiencing responsive desire. 

 

 

 

I would recommend identifying as greysexual - that you have sexual feelings to a certain extent, but which is also limited in a way that leaves you wishing for relationships with low sexual activity or none at all. 

 

The basic idea of greysexuality is that it is neither asexuality, nor sexuality, but somewhere in between, a grey area.

 

 

Generally I would recommend spending time to think about your experiences and to research the language regarding sexuality and other people's experiences, when I fist came to aven I was kind of scared and definitely frustrated with my situation, but after about a year of learning and exploration around the community I was more comfortable with things. If it takes time to get used to knowing about our quirks as an individual, that is OK, and spending the time is worth it

 

 

 

 

Your first paragraph's statement is wrong- the current definition (that this site uses, anyway) for asexuality is absence of sexual attraction, which usually means being drawn to a person before any serious touching happens. Now, many people disagree with this definition (including Skullery) and/or propose changing it, and maybe use other terminology to outline it elsewhere, but that is what it is currently. Has been that way for the six years I've been on the site. 

Also, there is a caveat to your definition. Someone who is sexually assaulted can also experience this "responsive desire" because their bodies react to sexual touching. That does not mean they "want it." I think that, in the same way, asexuals can be aroused and still not really want it. After all, asexuals are not sexually dysfunctional, or incapable of sexual actions. They merely don't care about it when it isn't there. 

However, I agree that graysexual is a useful and flexible term in this situation. 

 

[binary suns]

3 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

Your first paragraph's statement is wrong- the current definition (that this site uses, anyway) for asexuality is absence of sexual attraction, which usually means being drawn to a person before any serious touching happens.

 

thank you for the insightful words. 

 

I believe actually, that the site refers to the various ways a person is initially drawn to others as attraction, and the desire to engage in sex as sexual attraction. 

 

http://asexuality.org/?q=general.html   if I look here that is what is defined at least

 

I dunno how I feel about the post you've quoted anymore - it is a month old. I would probably write it differently now, then how I did then. I am sure that we are more in agreement, and it is a matter of semantics... when for the sake of simplicity, I say that if a person wants sex, then they want sex. if they want no sex, then they want no sex. that is really what it is that matters, right? that whatever is wanted, it is OK. 

[Cheralea]

I've had a similar issue to this. I was very happy being asexual but then I was afraid that if I never gave sex a chance I'd never be able to be in a committed relationship. I wanted an emotional connection with someone but I couldn't get over the fear that the other person would want physical intimacy that I couldn't provide. And my fear response is to run so I could never stay in a relationship. But when I found someone who understood my struggles and was willing to help me experiment, my body was into it but my brain wasn't. It sucked, it was boring, but it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be.

 

I've never really had a crush on someone before or been sexually attracted to anyone. But I'm not sex repulsed and now I'm over my fear, I could see being physical with someone I cared about even if I was completely disinterested. And I can get physical pleasure from sexual stimulation but its more of a stress relief thing versus something that I actively seek out or desire.

 

Also fun fact, studies have shown that there is no significant difference between the average amount of masturbation between asexuals and any other sexual orientation group.  

 

I had heard of graysexual and demisexual before. Gray: the vague undefined zone between sexual desire and no sexual desire. Demi: developing sexual desire after emotional closeness. But I've never gotten close enough to anyone to want sex with them because I was afraid of intimacy and commitment. So I picked gray but its so vague and undefined that I was still lost in my sexuality. Was I broken? Was I really asexual? Would I ever have a meaningful relationship? Should I just suck it up and have sex in order to have a healthy relationship? Cause I don't find it gross, I'm just kind of indifferent. 

 

Not knowing who you are is scary. And labels can really help make you feel like you belong, that you're normal and not broken. But that being said, you are normal and not broken. You don't have to check every single box in order to be accepted. Your body's response is normal. Your brain's response is normal. If identifying as graysexual helps then good, do that. 

 

Also there are other options to being intimate without having sex. Toys are a thing, non penetrative sex, also I've heard of BDSM as a means for asexual/sexual couples to be intimate. Also open relationships where you get the emotional connection and commitment and they seek sex elsewhere, but those can get complicated quickly. 

 

I hope you figure it out.