Jump to content

Years of frustration


Sambina

Recommended Posts

I am in a relationship with a man who is asexual. We have been together almost 5 years. It has been more than difficult for me.

I was on the other end of the rope. I was constantly dreaming, thinking, wondering and asking for sex. I have only been with 3 men in my life but the relationships were full of sexual actions.

For the first 2 years of the relationship I cried and screamed for sexual relationship with my boyfriend. He kept insisting that sex doesn't matter. Who cares about it. Life is more than sex. I kept screaming that sex was the most important thing in life and if you don't have it you could die.

I was completely out of control. I have to admit that even now I still have my urges to be in a sexual relationship. I have very detailed sexual dreams and at one point thought of leaving him so that I could be with a sexual man.

I love him and accept him even if I wish this part of him was different. I hope that he accepts me for the nasty witch I can be.

Do you ever get over the anxiety around not having a sexual relationship? Does it ever get better?

(I would never self satisfy - it just doesn't do it for me)

Thank you

:roll:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow... sounds rough on both sides. It's possible to get over the anxiety of not getting laid, and he's right that it's not the most important thing in life, but I know where you're comming from because to some extent I'm in the same position myself. It's hard when there's such an imbalance. "If you loved me you'd satisfy my cravings" versus "if you loved me you wouldn't ask me to do things I don't want to do." Many AVENites will testify to conflicts like that tearing appart relationship, but there are some success stories too. After 5 years together, it sounds like you're doing alright. I can't tell you if you'll ever get over it, but I can tell you that it's possible to work things out and be content without getting mindblowing sex every night.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope that I get better over time because I hate the fact that my needs make him feel broken.

I don't think he is broken but on the other hand what is the matter that he doesn't dream about it and long to be a sexual man.

This is a nice place where I can voice my frustrations and hope I am not alone. And neither is he.

Thank you

Link to post
Share on other sites

It may be necessary for you as a sexual person to explore alternative ways of keeping your connection with your partner while still not suppressing your need for sexual interaction with another human being. There's nothing saying you can't have a close, intimate friendship. It all depends on whether it's a compromise for you, or a sacrifice. What I mean is, is the relationship worth the change of your behaviour? Then it's a worthy compromise. If it isn't, then you're sabotaging both yourself and your partner, and the frustration and involuntary resentment will slowly continue to build.

I think it's something you definitely need to talk very openly about with him, directly, for some time, and work out in partnership with him the best way that both of your needs can be met in the most mutually beneficial and caring way you can.

Rae

Link to post
Share on other sites

The only thing I'd add to what Rae said is that for most asexuals, sex and romance/love are entirely different things. I believe that romance without sex is not merely friendship, and it seems like your partner feels the same way.

Please remember though - if he really is asexual, the fact that he doesn't want to sleep with you shouldn't mean that he doesn't think you're beautiful. I know my Significant Other can't be turned on by my appearance, but still loves the way I look (even if I think she's crazy for it). It takes time, but it's possible to learn to see yourself as beautiful without the guy you're with wanting to bang you.

Oh, and most asexuals are happy the way they are and have no desire to change. There's nothing wrong with your husband, and several things right, for being happy with himeself the way he is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well he loves to snuggle. He has a great heart.

I think that you have a good point and that is something I am going to have to talk with him about and think about myself.

HONESTLY - There is a part of me that when he asked me to marry him I became scared. I wasn't scared of being married. I was scared of living the rest of my life with out any sexual contact with a man! He asked me to marry him almost 8 months ago and I still haven't made up my mind. I love him so much but I just don't know if I could make the choice to be sex free for the my best years!

Thank you for talking with me about it though.

You are both giving me important things to think about and talk to him about.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you told him how you feel? It's possible he'd be willing to compromise if he loves you too (which it sounds like he does). Best of luck though, and tell us how the conversations go!

Link to post
Share on other sites
The only thing I'd add to what Rae said is that for most asexuals, sex and romance/love are entirely different things. I believe that romance without sex is not merely friendship, and it seems like your partner feels the same way.

Please remember though - if he really is asexual, the fact that he doesn't want to sleep with you shouldn't mean that he doesn't think you're beautiful. I know my Significant Other can't be turned on by my appearance, but still loves the way I look (even if I think she's crazy for it). It takes time, but it's possible to learn to see yourself as beautiful without the guy you're with wanting to bang you.

Oh, and most asexuals are happy the way they are and have no desire to change. There's nothing wrong with your husband, and several things right, for being happy with himeself the way he is.

This is one of the reasons why most of us which sonfozeal was single. :D He completely understands and accepts us (or at least he tries to completely understand us, and he explains what we don't understand).

I cannot connect sex to romance, and so I have a difficult time understanding why other cannot separate it. One of the greatest things i've learned from being on AVEN is how the sexual mind works.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...