Asexual girlfriend

[Justastranger]

Hey everyone, new user here!
Been browsing for a while, but finally created an account to share my story with you, and maybe get some feedback as well.

 

Directly to what's on my mind!

 

I am a sexual guy in my mid 20s and I have been with my girlfriend for about two years now. She is the first girlfriend I have had and we started the relationship with me knowing about her being an asexual, she was very open with it before we started dating. We had huge talks about what we could expect from one another, and she definitely said that sex was not an option, but things could change. I agreed to that, hoping that it wouldn't be too hard. Our relationship started very slowly, she was uncomfortable with pretty much anything physical except some kisses and hugs, there was no nudity together at all for the first seven months, until she slowly became more comfortable with it. During that period we discussed sexual activities to and from, she was open minded to how things might proceed, and after a while, we agreed that she could try to helping me, in a sexual way, but not via sex. She felt very insecure, so it took some time, but a couple of months went by, and we started with her helping me out using hands.

A couple of months later, I was allowed to touch her, but it didn't do anything for her. It didn't hurt her either so she allowed to touch her during our sessions for "my own good", but with no previous experience I would definitely not say I knew what to do to make her feel good, what the best ways is. A few more months went by, and I managed to get her aroused. She didn't feel anything specific except some tingling, but being wet got her uncomfortable. She was open for continuation though, so since then we have been trying to and from. She still hates the feeling of being wet, so it becomes very hard to continue once she gets it, as soon as she doesn't want to anymore, I stop.

 

We have also discussed her using more than hands to help me, but she feels very uncomfortable to anything above that (oral, penetrative, genetalia to genetalia, so on so forth). I think it's beginning to take it's toll on me. Our relationship is just so perfect in the other ways, everything else connects and we feel like definite soulmates. We spend all our spare time together, literally, and we have a blast doing it. I just often feel frustrated, and I'm not sure I have the right to be. She has done nothing wrong, and I want to stay with her forever, but it's becoming very hard.

 

On top of it, it's a long distance relationship since we are not in the same city but we visit eachother quite often. She wants to move in together and I kinda do too, but I am too afraid to take initiative since that could make it much harder for me.

 

I hope nothing came out wrong above, I love her of all my heart and if I sounded judging or mean in any way, that was definitely not my intention! I know she has gone miles to push herself this far, and we are all different. I am not expecting her to "cave in" or anything like that - that would go against my principles, but I am feeling a bit lost as to what I should do.

 

What would you do in my situation?

Feel free to ask if you have any questions!

[dissolved]

Your love and respect for her certainly comes through in the way you write about her.

 

You have a few options: stay as you are and accept she'll never be open to compromise; stay, but hope she might one day be open to compromise; open the relationship to allow you to satisfy your needs elsewhere; or end the relationship.

 

What happens is of course up to the both of you. Don't make the decision alone, but try to have a realistic, rational conversation about the future. Can you honestly go your entire life without ever having sex with someone? Because that is potentially what you're setting yourself up for. Most relationships end - that is a reality. Sex is just one more issue that can add up over time. As someone who comes to resent those I'm in a relationship with, I know it's better to end it before that resentment sets in.

 

I realise that all sounds very pessimistic, but I am just trying to give you my honest opinion. I don't know your partner and relationship as well as you do, so you should of course ultimately make your own decision.

[SithLord]

Wow this actually sounds a lot like my relationship with my sexual bf.  I was pretty anti-sex for a while and it took me a long time to get okay with sex, two years actually though we still struggle to come to a compromise with how often or my participation, etc.  It's not easy but I love him and we get along so well except for sex.  I know it frustrates him but I don't want to lose him so try to make it possible for us to stay together.

 

As mentioned above, there are a few forms of compromise.  You should find which one is best for you.  If you don' think you'll ever feel sexually satisfied with her, or that it will take too long, you can try and have an open or polyamorous relationship, possibly for a limited time.  My relationship with my bf is closed and one where I try to sexually satisfy him, but others are open, still others have no sex at all, and so on.  Not all mixed relationships work, but I'll never say you should give up on them just because they're not easy.

[brbdogsonfire]

As the sexual in the above relationship... going without sex at all is hard. You will have to stop and take a good hard look at the relationship and how you feel to determine if no sex works for you. 

 

The he problem is your girlfriend said no sex from the beginning so she was upfront about it so it is fair for her not to change that. Me and my girlfriend agreed early it would be a part eventually and even then it was (is) hard. 

 

From skmeone one who has been in sexual relationships the sex alone doesn't make the relationship and I'd rather go without than lose the one I have now. 

 

Good of luck in figuring out what you have to do.

[Justastranger]

2 hours ago, dissolved said:

Your love and respect for her certainly comes through in the way you write about her.

 

You have a few options: stay as you are and accept she'll never be open to compromise; stay, but hope she might one day be open to compromise; open the relationship to allow you to satisfy your needs elsewhere; or end the relationship.

 

What happens is of course up to the both of you. Don't make the decision alone, but try to have a realistic, rational conversation about the future. Can you honestly go your entire life without ever having sex with someone? Because that is potentially what you're setting yourself up for. Most relationships end - that is a reality. Sex is just one more issue that can add up over time. As someone who comes to resent those I'm in a relationship with, I know it's better to end it before that resentment sets in.

 

I realise that all sounds very pessimistic, but I am just trying to give you my honest opinion. I don't know your partner and relationship as well as you do, so you should of course ultimately make your own decision.

She is really the best thing that has happened to me, and I feel such extreme love for her.

 

We have discussed open relationship very briefly. I was mostly wondering where she was standing, because I don't think I am into poly, I would feel too much guilt even if both sides are ok with it.

 

I don't think I want to break up, at least not now. All the sides aside from the sex is just too good.

It's as you say though, I think I need to imagine how the future will be. Since I have never had sex, in a way I don't "miss" it - if you understand. I don't comprehend how it feels really, I can only imagine. What she does when she helps me is the best I have felt so far, sexually, so I don't really know what I miss out on. Sometimes I feel as if the helping isn't enough though. We don't share the attraction and I can tell she feels a bit uncomfortable with it. I feel huge attraction to her and get very sexual around her, which makes it hard to not go further than just handjobs though.

Thank you for your reply!

 

18 minutes ago, sithgirlix said:

Wow this actually sounds a lot like my relationship with my sexual bf.  I was pretty anti-sex for a while and it took me a long time to get okay with sex, two years actually though we still struggle to come to a compromise with how often or my participation, etc.  It's not easy but I love him and we get along so well except for sex.  I know it frustrates him but I don't want to lose him so try to make it possible for us to stay together.

 

As mentioned above, there are a few forms of compromise.  You should find which one is best for you.  If you don' think you'll ever feel sexually satisfied with her, or that it will take too long, you can try and have an open or polyamorous relationship, possibly for a limited time.  My relationship with my bf is closed and one where I try to sexually satisfy him, but others are open, still others have no sex at all, and so on.  Not all mixed relationships work, but I'll never say you should give up on them just because they're not easy.

I'm glad to hear of others being in a similar scenario and finding a middle ground!

 

If I may ask, how was the two years for you before you had sex? Just trying to draw parallells to how my girlfriend feels around sex. We haven't had an in depth discussion about her real emotions regarding it, except it makes her feel sick to think the thoughts.

 

I shall definitely consider my options! I will meet her tomorrow so maybe we'll have a discussion then.

Thank you for your reply!

 

1 minute ago, brbdogsonfire said:

As the sexual in the above relationship... going without sex at all is hard. You will have to stop and take a good hard look at the relationship and how you feel to determine if no sex works for you. 

 

The he problem is your girlfriend said no sex from the beginning so she was upfront about it so it is fair for her not to change that. Me and my girlfriend agreed early it would be a part eventually and even then it was (is) hard. 

 

From skmeone one who has been in sexual relationships the sex alone doesn't make the relationship and I'd rather go without than lose the one I have now. 

 

Good of luck in figuring out what you have to do.

That's very true. It's one part of the issue as well, because I feel such immense happiness and satisfaction when it comes to all but sex. We have the same ideologies, same interests and we pretty much do everything together and has been for two years. I figure many says the same, but I think I have found a soulmate that I can share pretty much everything with, except the sexual things. That's where it becomes so hard for me, causing me to seek advice here, because I want to stay with her for life in theory, but in practice I am not sure if I can just abandon all sex for the rest of my life. We have spoken openly about sex many times, and in the current situation she becomes very sad. She feels as if there is something wrong with her, even though I keep telling her that there isn't. She feels much better about herself than before we got together and I definitely don't wanna, nor will I push her into sex, but I don't want to be unsatisfied either.

Thank you for your reply!

[SithLord]

8 hours ago, Justastranger said:

If I may ask, how was the two years for you before you had sex? Just trying to draw parallells to how my girlfriend feels around sex. We haven't had an in depth discussion about her real emotions regarding it, except it makes her feel sick to think the thoughts.

It wasn't a very pleasant two years, though it had its moments.  We came close to breaking up a few times.  Getting me to do sexual stuff was like pulling teeth even when I agreed to it.  Literally to get me okay with full nudity he had to shock my system and just strip down to nothing as I huddled on the next couch over trying to not freak out.  I'm not sure how oral and hand jobs started but I don't recall those being as bad because I was at least curious about them.  Actual PiV sex was the largest hurdle and biggest problem, but that's because of difficulty on my end.  I'm not exactly wired very well for sex (TMI warning: I don't self-lubricate well, I have vaginismus, and I zone out during the actual act and he's compared me to a dead fish). 

Thinking about sex wasn't really what turned me off to it; the part including me was.  I could imagine sex between others without issue, read pornographic material, write sex scenes, etc. with no real problem.  It was when it started to include me that I'd clam up and just freeze.  For me, sex will always be an effort and a planned event, I'll never look forward to it.

 

The two years were not pleasant and I'd rather not go back to them.  I remember a couple times breaking down crying (I don't normally cry much) because he was mad at me and sex was the reason.  Brbdogsonfire feels the same way, saying it wasn't a great experience and he's sorry you're in a similar situation.  We powered through it though and it's better now, though still not great.  I doubt we'll ever be 100% perfect in regards to sex in our relationship.  

[Justastranger]

2 hours ago, sithgirlix said:

It wasn't a very pleasant two years, though it had its moments.  We came close to breaking up a few times.  Getting me to do sexual stuff was like pulling teeth even when I agreed to it.  Literally to get me okay with full nudity he had to shock my system and just strip down to nothing as I huddled on the next couch over trying to not freak out.  I'm not sure how oral and hand jobs started but I don't recall those being as bad because I was at least curious about them.  Actual PiV sex was the largest hurdle and biggest problem, but that's because of difficulty on my end.  I'm not exactly wired very well for sex (TMI warning: I don't self-lubricate well, I have vaginismus, and I zone out during the actual act and he's compared me to a dead fish). 

Thinking about sex wasn't really what turned me off to it; the part including me was.  I could imagine sex between others without issue, read pornographic material, write sex scenes, etc. with no real problem.  It was when it started to include me that I'd clam up and just freeze.  For me, sex will always be an effort and a planned event, I'll never look forward to it.

 

The two years were not pleasant and I'd rather not go back to them.  I remember a couple times breaking down crying (I don't normally cry much) because he was mad at me and sex was the reason.  Brbdogsonfire feels the same way, saying it wasn't a great experience and he's sorry you're in a similar situation.  We powered through it though and it's better now, though still not great.  I doubt we'll ever be 100% perfect in regards to sex in our relationship.  

I relate to much what you write. The nudity was the same for us. I doubt she feels interested in the sexual stuff at all, and from what I understand she dislikes thinking about it, even if it doesn't involve her. Lately we have been discussing oralsex as the 'next step' and after one discussions she didn't feel bad about trying it. A day later after she thought of it for a while, it was a direct no. She has explained she considers it too equal to PiV sex and that makes it hard for her. We keep trying on her occasionally when she is in the mood, but we only do it for a few minutes before she starts to feel numb around her clitoris from lack of lubricant, and lubricating isn't an option. She is very open for keep trying, but I personally have a hard time seeing how we can get further in that area. She does seem to enjoy it to some degree though, she says it tingles slightly and feels nice for a short time.

 

Definitely not TMI for me, I appreciate you giving a thorough answer! I am fairly sure she has vaginismus too; we tried penetration with my finger a couple of times, but it hurts her quite much with just a bit of the tip of the finger and she really finds it unpleasant. She finds it even more unpleasant with lubrication, so that's probably a no go. She also has tried menstrual cups, but even the smallest hurts her too much to get in. Do you have any advice when it comes to the penetration? Make it better for her, etc I mean.

 

Yeah we have been in same situation, she has cried a few times because she feels so guilty and that is definitely not what I am trying to make her feel. She owes me literally nothing and I have told her that. What do you think I should do? Ask her about long tern thoughts regarding sex and anything above what we are doing now? Usually when I bring it up, she says maybe more will happen in future but she feels bad about it, and don't want to give me false hope. She is very situational and things can change quickly. When we just started dating I asked stuff like, taking shirt off etc, she said she never would want to do that, now she doesn't mind. Same thing could happen with anything, but it's too uncertain.

[Telecaster68]

Quote

 I just often feel frustrated and I'm not sure I have the right to be. She has done nothing wrong, and I want to stay with her forever, but it's becoming very hard.

You have every right to feel frustrated, it's how you act on it that's the issue. Squashing your feelings down will do you as much damage in the longer term as her squashing her feelings about actually having sex. I know it doesn't feel that way, but neither of you has anything to feel guilty about. 

 

You sound like you're doing everything as right as you can, and if there's a compromise to be found that you can both live with long term, you'll find it. But there may not be, and relationships break up for many reasons. Sexual incompatability is a perfectly valid one.

[SithLord]

3 hours ago, Justastranger said:

I relate to much what you write. The nudity was the same for us. I doubt she feels interested in the sexual stuff at all, and from what I understand she dislikes thinking about it, even if it doesn't involve her. Lately we have been discussing oralsex as the 'next step' and after one discussions she didn't feel bad about trying it. A day later after she thought of it for a while, it was a direct no. She has explained she considers it too equal to PiV sex and that makes it hard for her. We keep trying on her occasionally when she is in the mood, but we only do it for a few minutes before she starts to feel numb around her clitoris from lack of lubricant, and lubricating isn't an option. She is very open for keep trying, but I personally have a hard time seeing how we can get further in that area. She does seem to enjoy it to some degree though, she says it tingles slightly and feels nice for a short time.

 

Definitely not TMI for me, I appreciate you giving a thorough answer! I am fairly sure she has vaginismus too; we tried penetration with my finger a couple of times, but it hurts her quite much with just a bit of the tip of the finger and she really finds it unpleasant. She finds it even more unpleasant with lubrication, so that's probably a no go. She also has tried menstrual cups, but even the smallest hurts her too much to get in. Do you have any advice when it comes to the penetration? Make it better for her, etc I mean.

 

Yeah we have been in same situation, she has cried a few times because she feels so guilty and that is definitely not what I am trying to make her feel. She owes me literally nothing and I have told her that. What do you think I should do? Ask her about long tern thoughts regarding sex and anything above what we are doing now? Usually when I bring it up, she says maybe more will happen in future but she feels bad about it, and don't want to give me false hope. She is very situational and things can change quickly. When we just started dating I asked stuff like, taking shirt off etc, she said she never would want to do that, now she doesn't mind. Same thing could happen with anything, but it's too uncertain.

Originally oral sex was a no go for me too.  I hated the thought of it and just the idea made me want to gag.  Not sure what changed.  For me I don't really care about it anymore, only doing it to please him.  I'd say you shouldn't drop the idea if you ever want it to happen, but don't pressure her too much.  Often times my bf would think we weren't making progress and same with me, I'd want to give up but sex was a deal breaker for him so giving up meant leaving him, so I had to suck it up.

Here's a question though: what about oral sex for her?  It does nothing for me, but I've read that it helps a lot of other women with vaginismus or lubrication issues.  

 

Penetration for me hurts a lot.  I can finger myself with one index finger with mild irritation most days, but more than that, even just a thicker finger like the middle finger, hurts and I just need to slowly stretch myself out.  I went to a gynecologist to figure out what to do.  I have to use a shit ton of lube though, so if she's uncomfortable with that there's a problem.  I have to work myself up from fingers to using a sex toy regularly to stay stretched to have sex.  That's another reason PiV will never be spontaneous for me: I need at least a week of consistent preparation to even be capable of it.  I always hated tampons and stuff because they always hurt when trying to put them in, but haven't tried them since getting used to stretching myself.  No idea if they or menstrual cups would work for me.

I'd say any way you can make it less pleasant is a go.  For me that's a shit ton of lube and a lot of slow, tedious stretching.  I literally get bored when stretching myself out which to most people would be masturbating but for me is an unpleasant chore.  Again, I use a shit ton of lube since trying to stretch myself dry either hurts or is the most unpleasant experience ever.  If she's not comfortable with using lube, I say look for alternatives.  If she can self lubricate even a little that's good.  I can get myself wet but then when sexual stuff happens it just all goes away and I'm dry again.

 

I think you always need to talk about sex: where you are, where you were and where you're going.  It was a huge thing for me and my bf.  He'd look back and see two months of little to no progress and that would shock me into being more productive.  He hated it, but he'd have to lecture me on not slipping and getting lazy/complacent.  They were not pleasant conversations and we were both upset before, during or after, but they were necessary.  We had a lot of conversations about me giving him false hope because I was optimistic when I couldn't see the realistic time it would take.  We'd fight and I'd need to assure him that progress was indeed being made, but he's need to explain to me how slow it was.

 

It is very different because in the beginning for you everything was a no, but I was optimistic in the beginning since I figured things would change and thought it would be easier than they were.  You started with nothing and can only go up from there, but for me and brbdogsonfire it was often him thinking I gave him false hope or trapped him in a sexless relationship because I'm a sadist I guess (heavy exaggeration but I'm tired and words are hard).  Things can definitely change, but they can progress as much as regress.  Talking about it is key: what you both want from the other and what you're currently capable of supplying most of all.

[Telecaster68]

sithgirl

 

Your commitment to it is amazing. A lot of asexuals on here say the kind of conversation and sustained focus (that you talk about as being needed even though it's no fun at time) would actually make them more tense and anxious, and I know this is the case with my fire. It ends up feeling like a no-win for the sexual partner if that happens: if they don't say anything, nothing happens, and if they do, it's pressure, and nothing happens.

 

Any thoughts on why it's different for you? Or why you got past it? (I know you mentioned it was a dealbreaker for you bf, but again, in many cases partners making that clear that just seems to up the anxiety and be seen as a threat, and in the end is counterproductive).

[Justastranger]

3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You have every right to feel frustrated, it's how you act on it that's the issue. Squashing your feelings down will do you as much damage in the longer term as her squashing her feelings about actually having sex. I know it doesn't feel that way, but neither of you has anything to feel guilty about. 

 

You sound like you're doing everything as right as you can, and if there's a compromise to be found that you can both live with long term, you'll find it. But there may not be, and relationships break up for many reasons. Sexual incompatability is a perfectly valid one.

Yes! You are definitely correct; thank you!

I appreciate the feedback. I think I shall sit down and talk to her as soon as possible.

 

1 hour ago, sithgirlix said:

Originally oral sex was a no go for me too.  I hated the thought of it and just the idea made me want to gag.  Not sure what changed.  For me I don't really care about it anymore, only doing it to please him.  I'd say you shouldn't drop the idea if you ever want it to happen, but don't pressure her too much.  Often times my bf would think we weren't making progress and same with me, I'd want to give up but sex was a deal breaker for him so giving up meant leaving him, so I had to suck it up.

Here's a question though: what about oral sex for her?  It does nothing for me, but I've read that it helps a lot of other women with vaginismus or lubrication issues.  

 

Penetration for me hurts a lot.  I can finger myself with one index finger with mild irritation most days, but more than that, even just a thicker finger like the middle finger, hurts and I just need to slowly stretch myself out.  I went to a gynecologist to figure out what to do.  I have to use a shit ton of lube though, so if she's uncomfortable with that there's a problem.  I have to work myself up from fingers to using a sex toy regularly to stay stretched to have sex.  That's another reason PiV will never be spontaneous for me: I need at least a week of consistent preparation to even be capable of it.  I always hated tampons and stuff because they always hurt when trying to put them in, but haven't tried them since getting used to stretching myself.  No idea if they or menstrual cups would work for me.

I'd say any way you can make it less pleasant is a go.  For me that's a shit ton of lube and a lot of slow, tedious stretching.  I literally get bored when stretching myself out which to most people would be masturbating but for me is an unpleasant chore.  Again, I use a shit ton of lube since trying to stretch myself dry either hurts or is the most unpleasant experience ever.  If she's not comfortable with using lube, I say look for alternatives.  If she can self lubricate even a little that's good.  I can get myself wet but then when sexual stuff happens it just all goes away and I'm dry again.

 

I think you always need to talk about sex: where you are, where you were and where you're going.  It was a huge thing for me and my bf.  He'd look back and see two months of little to no progress and that would shock me into being more productive.  He hated it, but he'd have to lecture me on not slipping and getting lazy/complacent.  They were not pleasant conversations and we were both upset before, during or after, but they were necessary.  We had a lot of conversations about me giving him false hope because I was optimistic when I couldn't see the realistic time it would take.  We'd fight and I'd need to assure him that progress was indeed being made, but he's need to explain to me how slow it was.

 

It is very different because in the beginning for you everything was a no, but I was optimistic in the beginning since I figured things would change and thought it would be easier than they were.  You started with nothing and can only go up from there, but for me and brbdogsonfire it was often him thinking I gave him false hope or trapped him in a sexless relationship because I'm a sadist I guess (heavy exaggeration but I'm tired and words are hard).  Things can definitely change, but they can progress as much as regress.  Talking about it is key: what you both want from the other and what you're currently capable of supplying most of all.

Hmm I see. Last time we spoke about oral sex was a couple of weeks back, and she said I was allowed to ask whenever I wanted as long as I don't dislike a no since that will most likely be the answer. Been trying not to ask too frequently.

Regarding oral on her - I have asked her. I personally think it would be perfect considering all other options, except she feels very bad about wetness and probably so many details about it. She has said no tentatively, possibly in future but my guess is that she would feel too uncomfortable just laying there. Could it be worth bringing up again, whilst ensuring her that there is by no means any pressure on her to do the same for me?

 

Aha, I see. Not sure of her experience with penetration, I think she genuinely dislikes it and has pretty much never tried. We bought coconut oil since ordinary lube feels weird according to us, mainly for use on her but we ended up not using it on her but rather on me and it feels perfect. I think it would be awesome for her if she thinks she is up gor it, but I believe that's for the future. I also think she needs to stretch for sex or penetration, and I doubt she would think it would be worth it, definitely not if it takes long time before she is ready, so to speak.

She is the same with tampons, she hates it completely. Do you think I should ask her to go to a gynecologist to see if they say anything? Feels a tad selfish since she has no interest in it.

 

She can self lubricate, but whenever she feels I am using that she becomes dry quickly. Sometimes it stays longer, depending on how she feels.

 

How were you two usually doing progress? I think in my and my girlfriends case, we usually don't do much progress over two months, but when progress has happened it has been a "spike" from going normally to suddenly doing something new. It has been quite long since last though. Should I bring up how 'slow' I perceive it? Not sure how to bring that up without sounding weird and selfish.

 

I totally agree with that. We did start from zero and look where we are now. I appreciate us coming this far, in many aspects it is definitely worth it because I feel very happy with the relationship. I consider myself to be in my "prime years" sexually, meaning I will probably the most sexually active in my life right now, and that feels harsh and makes it feel more frustrating.

 

Thanks for thorough answer yet again!

[SithLord]

On 12/16/2016 at 4:55 PM, Justastranger said:

Yes! You are definitely correct; thank you!

I appreciate the feedback. I think I shall sit down and talk to her as soon as possible.

 

Hmm I see. Last time we spoke about oral sex was a couple of weeks back, and she said I was allowed to ask whenever I wanted as long as I don't dislike a no since that will most likely be the answer. Been trying not to ask too frequently.

Regarding oral on her - I have asked her. I personally think it would be perfect considering all other options, except she feels very bad about wetness and probably so many details about it. She has said no tentatively, possibly in future but my guess is that she would feel too uncomfortable just laying there. Could it be worth bringing up again, whilst ensuring her that there is by no means any pressure on her to do the same for me?

 

Aha, I see. Not sure of her experience with penetration, I think she genuinely dislikes it and has pretty much never tried. We bought coconut oil since ordinary lube feels weird according to us, mainly for use on her but we ended up not using it on her but rather on me and it feels perfect. I think it would be awesome for her if she thinks she is up gor it, but I believe that's for the future. I also think she needs to stretch for sex or penetration, and I doubt she would think it would be worth it, definitely not if it takes long time before she is ready, so to speak.

She is the same with tampons, she hates it completely. Do you think I should ask her to go to a gynecologist to see if they say anything? Feels a tad selfish since she has no interest in it.

 

She can self lubricate, but whenever she feels I am using that she becomes dry quickly. Sometimes it stays longer, depending on how she feels.

 

How were you two usually doing progress? I think in my and my girlfriends case, we usually don't do much progress over two months, but when progress has happened it has been a "spike" from going normally to suddenly doing something new. It has been quite long since last though. Should I bring up how 'slow' I perceive it? Not sure how to bring that up without sounding weird and selfish.

 

I totally agree with that. We did start from zero and look where we are now. I appreciate us coming this far, in many aspects it is definitely worth it because I feel very happy with the relationship. I consider myself to be in my "prime years" sexually, meaning I will probably the most sexually active in my life right now, and that feels harsh and makes it feel more frustrating.

 

Thanks for thorough answer yet again!

Sorry for the late reply.

 

About your first question, I think it's just up to you in what you want.  If you want to go down on her, ask.  Telling her it's not just a way to get oral in good if she'd think you wanted it in exchange.  You could also try and work on her discomfort if she's willing and you want to.  I was uncomfortable with a lot of things before getting used to them.  It just takes work.

 

I think you shouldn't push for a gynecologist unless she wants to.  I was mostly wanting confirmation that I wasn't damaged or broken down there somehow.  Really I found out most information online regarding help.  He just told me to stretch and be patient.  I think if penetration is important to you and you'll definitely want it in the future, you need to bring that up to her and mention possible solutions.

 

If you perceive the progress as being too slow then certainly bring it up.  That was a huge problem with us because we were going too slow for him and it was hard for me to wrap my head around it.  Also when I was working on stuff on my own (working on stretching myself out and being okay with small penetration and stuff) then I needed to tell him if I made progress since he couldn't perceive it.  It was a huge problem for us since it was slow for him but I knew I was dragging my feet because of my own discomfort regarding it.  I can't remember much details about our progress since I'm super forgetful. You'd need to ask brbdogsonfire for his side since he has a better memory and it was worse on him.

[Justastranger]

On 2016-12-27 at 5:50 PM, sithgirlix said:

Sorry for the late reply.

 

About your first question, I think it's just up to you in what you want.  If you want to go down on her, ask.  Telling her it's not just a way to get oral in good if she'd think you wanted it in exchange.  You could also try and work on her discomfort if she's willing and you want to.  I was uncomfortable with a lot of things before getting used to them.  It just takes work.

 

I think you shouldn't push for a gynecologist unless she wants to.  I was mostly wanting confirmation that I wasn't damaged or broken down there somehow.  Really I found out most information online regarding help.  He just told me to stretch and be patient.  I think if penetration is important to you and you'll definitely want it in the future, you need to bring that up to her and mention possible solutions.

 

If you perceive the progress as being too slow then certainly bring it up.  That was a huge problem with us because we were going too slow for him and it was hard for me to wrap my head around it.  Also when I was working on stuff on my own (working on stretching myself out and being okay with small penetration and stuff) then I needed to tell him if I made progress since he couldn't perceive it.  It was a huge problem for us since it was slow for him but I knew I was dragging my feet because of my own discomfort regarding it.  I can't remember much details about our progress since I'm super forgetful. You'd need to ask brbdogsonfire for his side since he has a better memory and it was worse on him.

No problems! Apologies myself

 

Appreciate the feedback and agree with all you say!

 

We had a long discussion a couple of weeks back over a few days. It was a bad discussion at times, but after some reflection from both sides we took up the discussion again and in the end we ended up pretty good, I think. Well, it feels like we are in a good spot, feels good to have something on the table at least. She can consider trying oral sex on me sometime in the future, on her conditions. On her it's a big no-no. The intimate times we have since then has become better and more frequent. Still a bit hesitant about the future, I mean, the long term. Sex seems pretty far off, leaning towards impossible. It makes it into a very annoying situation, the uncertainity. She is herself very hesitant as to what she would be up to in the future, things for her can change extremely fast from "no" to a "yes", and after it's been a "yes", she doesn't feel uncomfortable about doing said thing again. That doesn't in anyway mean I should get expecations at all of course.