Why I'm Dumping Him

[3IA]

I met this nice guy on an online dating site, I'm not really out about my sexuality, I was planning on getting there. It hasn't been a month yet, not a lot of dates and he's a fairly flirty guy and I don't mind flirting because it's fun. But he's a fairly sexual person apparently, and anyways, he just sent me -and I quote - "Have you ever been in the mood for it though? lol You have the sex drive of a rock. Probably because you've never experienced it before." 

 

Which, to be fair, mostly true. 

 

(Side note: he seems more along the lines of Nice Guy TM and might be a pretty decent friend and he's an overall good guy, but I'm not that into him and the above kinda just sealed the deal)

[Laplace]

*BOOM!* Oof, that guy stepped on the big ace landmine.  I'll admit that I have zero relationship experience at age 22, too, and my "virgin" blood is still ripe for demonic sacrifice. But yeah I can definitely understand how those lines essentially sealed his fate. It's like they innocuously put their foot in their mouth without realizing.  Are you thinking of explaining that to him? Best of luck if you try to "befriend" him (Would that be the appropriate term? Friendzone but in a good way? Idk ).

[borkfork]

1 hour ago, 3IA said:

I met this nice guy on an online dating site, I'm not really out about my sexuality, I was planning on getting there. It hasn't been a month yet, not a lot of dates and he's a fairly flirty guy and I don't mind flirting because it's fun. But he's a fairly sexual person apparently, and anyways, he just sent me -and I quote - "Have you ever been in the mood for it though? lol You have the sex drive of a rock. Probably because you've never experienced it before."

Not friend material. Straight up disrespectful.

[3IA]

I don't know if I want to go into it, Laplace. Like Borkfork said, I'm not totally set on the friendship zone either for this guy. And I'm from a small town so I'd rather keep it to as intimate few as I can (ie my closest friends etc) as opposed to, well, risking word getting spread. Before he stepped on the landmine, I'd been considering explaining but then that attitude makes me go ehhhhh maybe I'd better not go there because that doesn't seem open minded and inclusive and I'd rather not set myself up for a public scene or anything.

[dissolved]

Generally when both people in a relationship feel it might go in a sexy direction, they have a chat about sex, sexuality, sometimes their sexual history etc. Clearly this guy was wondering why he was feeling it and you weren't. He tried to make it lighthearted, that's not disrespectful. I vote you should've told him about your sexuality earlier.

[Telecaster68]

From what you've said, you've given him no reason to suspect that you're asexual, and now you're expecting him to guess that what would be a perfectly fun, flirtatious remark to a shy sexual in the early exploratory stages of a relationship, is actually offensive if said to you. 

 

He's testing the waters, as Dissolved said, and that's what happens early on in relationships. It doesn't say anything about how he'll react when you tell him you're asexual - because that's the open, honest natural response when sex comes up between a sexual and an asexual. He might be fine with it, he might not, but his reaction isn't based on enough info about you to assume anything from it. 

[Busrider]

I guess his note shouted for "Bingo! (or equivalent more diplomatic statement) - But I'd still like to *insert social (borderline romantic) activity* with you."

IDK, I'm male & too old, but I can't see a flaw in rumored virginity / asexuality. - Would you risk getting belittled and set up for dates by female peers?

[lec16]

9 hours ago, 3IA said:

I met this nice guy on an online dating site, I'm not really out about my sexuality, I was planning on getting there. It hasn't been a month yet, not a lot of dates and he's a fairly flirty guy and I don't mind flirting because it's fun. But he's a fairly sexual person apparently, and anyways, he just sent me -and I quote - "Have you ever been in the mood for it though? lol You have the sex drive of a rock. Probably because you've never experienced it before." 

 

Which, to be fair, mostly true. 

 

(Side note: he seems more along the lines of Nice Guy TM and might be a pretty decent friend and he's an overall good guy, but I'm not that into him and the above kinda just sealed the deal)

Like you said, 3IA, that you're not interested in pursuing anything with this guy, I agree with your assessment. Based on every manipulative person I've run into and the people I've dated, this is a textbook quote from someone who exhibits manipulative behavior. Most notably this is seen in relationships between someone who is much older and much younger, where experience is used as a guilt point and essentially one party feels guilty/shamed about their lack of experience which is a way of manipulating someone into doing something they may not feel comfortable doing. Although, this dynamic can be seen in any relationship given that any party can use manipulation to get what they want.

 

My last relationship included this quote to a tee. There was a pattern of this shaming behavior. While I am not saying in this specific situation that this is ~obviously~ a manipulative person, he said something manipulative and tried to pass it off as cute/innocuous. That means that he does not think that behavior is problematic, and that is a red flag IMO. On top of it, there is an added layer that you're asexual and he finds it ok to drop a disrespectful comment that you only don't want sex because you've never had it before. Doesn't that sound familiar? It sounds like every line I've heard from people that I've come out to. "You'll crave sex once you've had it! You'll love it! It's the only way a relationship is a relationship!" Without even realizing it, he's telling you he probably doesn't think asexuality is a valid sexual orientation.

 

Overwhelming I think you have the correct read on the situation and I applaud you for catching it. Also, good job going with your gut because it's quite often that your gut might go against what society tells you and it takes courage to go with what makes you feel most comfortable.

 

P.S. Agreed on Nice Guy™

[borkfork]

Maybe this kind of Nice Guy, but with the insult he's trying to pass off as flirting maybe not. It's like he's trying to learn negging.

[3IA]

5 hours ago, lec16 said:

My last relationship included this quote to a tee. There was a pattern of this shaming behavior. While I am not saying in this specific situation that this is ~obviously~ a manipulative person, he said something manipulative and tried to pass it off as cute/innocuous. That means that he does not think that behavior is problematic, and that is a red flag IMO. On top of it, there is an added layer that you're asexual and he finds it ok to drop a disrespectful comment that you only don't want sex because you've never had it before. Doesn't that sound familiar? It sounds like every line I've heard from people that I've come out to.

To be fair, it hasn't been a month of dating. We've gone on a handful of dates and I was getting prepared to come out as being asexual so while he did make that comment, he did it without knowing I'm asexual. But the nature of how he worded it alone, is enough to signify to me that he will not respond favorably. Because the problem is all in my lack of experience, and if you "fix" that, you can "fix" me kind of mentality. And also, in general, why would you ever tell someone they have the sex drive of a rock? It would be rude/manipulative to say that to a totally sexual person -hurtful even, to them. I fail to see the light humor of it -but perhaps that's because the lol was attached to the "ever been in the mood lol" and then the rock comment came about.

 

He also seems to have much higher desires/needs in the sexual category than I anticipated based on when I first got talking to him. 

 

Funny that you mention about age etc because he is older than me by a few years. 

 

Yknow, it is kind of manipulative. Patience and slow going on the provisio that he will eventually get laid. I trust my gut, as someone who tends to read how situations will go ahead of time with accuracy. A very, very personally proven and experienced accuracy. I am offended he said that to me, well texted it as the case may be, but only because I think most people would be. It's not flattering to be likened to a rock, nor is it particularly humorous. 

[3IA]

5 hours ago, borkfork said:

 It's like he's trying to learn negging.

I hadn't thought of it that way. But I can see it now. 

 

Huh. Put down my inexperience so I will start wanting to trade it for experience...

[Chihiro]

What he said seemed like a joke. I would have done the same to someone if I shared flirty relaxed kinda vibe with them. Irrespective of my or other person's sexuality.

Because you don't feel the connection with him, you are wrongly assuming he is insulting you. 

If you want to stop talking to him, go ahead and stop. Clearly I can see miscommunication going on already.

[Telecaster68]

OP: what makes you think he has the faintest idea you're asexual? 

[Guest]

59 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

OP: what makes you think he has the faintest idea you're asexual? 

Even without knowing the person is asexual, I would find that "flirting" a major turn off. It's an insult wrapped up in a "lol" and added with an implication of needing to have sex with them to "awaken". Throws up a lot of red flags to me that reminds me of all the really, really bad boyfriends I've had. Even if OP were just a shy sexual taking it slow, I would totally understand them finding that comment a turn off. 

[Telecaster68]

I agree it's crass and not attractive, but calling it manipulative, shaming, and negging is an over-reaction. It sounds more like ignorance about both asexuality and how relationships work, to me.

 

 

[Guest]

Yeah, I wouldn't call it manipulative or shaming, but, certainly not a cool thing to say to anyone you're dating, regardless. 

[3IA]

On 12/11/2016 at 4:15 AM, Snow Owl said:

Even without knowing the person is asexual, I would find that "flirting" a major turn off. It's an insult wrapped up in a "lol" and added with an implication of needing to have sex with them to "awaken". Throws up a lot of red flags to me that reminds me of all the really, really bad boyfriends I've had. Even if OP were just a shy sexual taking it slow, I would totally understand them finding that comment a turn off. 

It's the implication of needing to have sex in order to awaken that was the issue. He's made comments like that around me, and in front of my friend who knows I'm asexual and when he made the comment in front of my friend she countered with "what if she never wants to have sex?" and he totally blew the idea off. Like I said, the relationship was less than a month long and it wasn't like I decided to break up with him for that one comment at that time because I was so offended over it. It's just that it was really spelled out to me at that point, and adding it to other troublesome things he's said led me to the basis that coming out would not go over well so it be best to cut ties. 

 

I don't blame him for not knowing my sexuality -I find that comment offensive itself regardless. I would be just as offended if one of my friends or a stranger got that text from someone whose supposed to be supportive. I can't see it from an angle where it's lighthearted teasing. I don't want to be compared to a rock under any circumstance, frankly I find it cruel and mean and along the lines of being shaming for not "behaving" the way I'm "supposed" to.

 

Because I can see it going the direction of me getting shamed for how I am, I can follow that feeling to the start of manipulations happening further down the line and I work in a job where it's my job to see manipulation from a mile away. I'm already ashamed of it and from that, intention or not, manipulation would be easy.

[Guest]

No offense but someone saying that to me would be a huge dealbreaker especially on the first few dates and if it was me, i'd be very sure i'd tell the guy i don't think we are a great match and tell him so long, farewell and etc, nice guy or no nice guy!

[Joe the Stoic]

Sounds to me like it's a pretty honest mistake.  People don't learn if we don't try to educate them first.  Getting mad at them not having complete mastery of all human knowledge doesn't do much.

 

Now, if there are other reasons (like he smells), then go ahead and drop him.

[nanogretchen4]

It's totally fine to dump someone you've barely started dating for any reason or no reason. You should definitely either dump or come out no later than the third date. If you've already waited longer than three dates I think you should break up anyway to avoid the appearance of tricking and trapping. Unless you screen people on the basis of sexual orientation before dating them, it's highly predictable that your date is sexual, assumes you are too, and is probably no expert on asexuality. If you are not ready to come out on the first few dates, you can meet people through asexual websites or meetups, you can try to date the few friends you are out to, or you can postpone dating until you have relocated to an environment where you feel safer.

[3IA]

17 hours ago, Joe Parrish said:

Sounds to me like it's a pretty honest mistake.  People don't learn if we don't try to educate them first.  Getting mad at them not having complete mastery of all human knowledge doesn't do much.

 

Now, if there are other reasons (like he smells), then go ahead and drop him.

I don't blame him for not knowing about the asexuality part, but his attitude is definitely towards the 'once you have sex it'll be different' mindset. Which... will not be the case for me. And he's made comments like that prior to the text message, and my friend on meeting him geared the conversation down the 'what if it never happens?' line and he blew her off. Aside from all of that, I don't have that good of a connection/interest/romantic development with him plus dating stopped being fun which is yet another reason why. 

[3IA]

14 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

It's totally fine to dump someone you've barely started dating for any reason or no reason. You should definitely either dump or come out no later than the third date. If you've already waited longer than three dates I think you should break up anyway to avoid the appearance of tricking and trapping. Unless you screen people on the basis of sexual orientation before dating them, it's highly predictable that your date is sexual, assumes you are too, and is probably no expert on asexuality. If you are not ready to come out on the first few dates, you can meet people through asexual websites or meetups, you can try to date the few friends you are out to, or you can postpone dating until you have relocated to an environment where you feel safer.

I live in a city of less than 80,000 people. In a very redneck/hick environment. And because it's so small, there are no people on asexual dating websites to meet. I don't have any male friends that I'm out to/romantically interested in in anyway/willing to risk the friendship over. I mean it's not like it's gonna be a hardship to go years and years without dating but I don't have the resources otherwise which is what makes it a lot more challenging for me and why I ended up in this position. 

[borkfork]

3 minutes ago, 3IA said:

I live in a city of less than 80,000 people. In a very redneck/hick environment. 

You have my sympathies. I grew up in a town of 23,000. I had two LDRs before moving away for college/university.

[3IA]

Just now, borkfork said:

You have my sympathies. I grew up in a town of 23,000. I had two LDRs before moving away for college/university.

Small towns are THE worst and it's even worse because I'm in the helping profession (ie I work with kids in group homes etc (kids who are in positions where they target staff due to various reasons and I can't add fuel to the flames for my sanity) and networking is a must as is a sterling reputation and connections or ye don't get hired) I completed my education in town, as even if I could have or needed to leave I wouldn't have had much for resources beyond loans.