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Party time! (Oh no!)


MrDane

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...so it is time for christmas party at the job again. Usually a fantastic party, where I laugh, dance and goof around. I love to dance and my female friends/co-workers are ready. 

 

My concern is this! I have spend quite some time on getting to terms with the fact, that my wife never desires me and never has and never will. It bothers me in my daily life, but I think she is still the best for me. 

 

I worry for my reaction to these lustful ladies, who fancy me, fancy my body, think i look good/attractive, touch me as a sign of their affection for me.

 

im torn between two sexual thoughts (TMI)

 

1. I could really use something from my wife, where she showed me, that she either understood my frustration or that she just plain and simply loved me

 

2. If she offered me sex, then I dont know if I will feel angry and offended or pleased for her reading my bodily needs? 

 

Last year, I think, I faked an illness and stayed home, but at that point I was still very new to the asexuality-fact!

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Do you have any friends at work who will be at this party and are at least somewhat aware of your situation and how it may lead to temptation here? It could be helpful to have somebody there who knows that you need to keep your reactions to any flirtation in check for this reason.

 

In any case, if you want to accustom yourself to handling these situations, it's best if you go to the party and have fun - but remain alert on when you start to have temptations or doubts or whatever makes you most uncomfortable. Leave early and say you're not feeling great. You won't be lying.

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Ask your wife if she wants to come to the party? Maybe even explain the situation to her so she has a better understanding of why it can be difficult for you to be alone at parties like that and she may be happy to come alone. Women will leave you alone if they see you dancing and being happy with your wife. :)

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It depends on what's going on with your wife, but if she did go with you, it's no reason not to dance and have a good time and be yourself.  She may get to see that some degree of physical interaction could be more fun than she thought, how much you enjoy it and even that other women see your as desirable. It could be food for thought - seeing things play out for real is always more persuasive than talking about them. 

 

I'm not saying be manipulative, just that you have every right to have a good time, and her reaction is her responsibility, not yours. 

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Thanks for the replies!

i went and it was great fun. I laughed and danced, and we flirted for fun! Occasionally I had a sad moment, where I wished that my wife would also hug me, and tell me that I am a good guy. 

 

My worries were mostly about the fact, that what I most wish for is that my wife had a desire for me. That I can never have from her. And it doesnt pop up on radar, that I need that. 

 

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4 minutes ago, MrDane said:

My worries were mostly about the fact, that what I most wish for is that my wife had a desire for me. That I can never have from her. And it doesnt pop up on radar, that I need that. 

 

I'm sure she knows you want to be desired. But, if she's asexual, she literally cannot. So there is nothing she can do about it. 

 

I'm glad you went and had fun though. 

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This is a bit of a side-note, and more ties in with a thread Telecaster made a while ago, but the current discussion reminds me of that..

 

The asexuals who post on here are obviously the type who are more sociable and think and talk about feelings a lot. I think among asexuals in general, being a bit more "schizoid" leaning is rather common. My girlfriend just recently remarked that she tends to forget how important sexuality is to me. Yes, she actually forgets, and she does have to be reminded. I think the same is probably true for many of the asexual partners of sexual posters here, maybe less so for the asexuals who themselves frequent these forums.

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On 12/8/2016 at 2:57 PM, MrDane said:

I worry for my reaction to these lustful ladies, who fancy me, fancy my body, think i look good/attractive, touch me as a sign of their affection for me.

:huh:

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Oh, yes, that is rather artfully beautiful. :)

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That's a really good point,  though I'm not sure schizoid is the right word. By definition, everyone on these boards is thinking about the implications of asexuality, one way or another. But for many asexuals, it would be like me remembering to think about, say, bowling. I've done it, because it was a social occasion,  it was okay, I might do it again in a similar situation, but would never cross my mind for do myself. 

 

What I don't understand is if my partner had made clear that my lacking bowling enthusiasm made her feel miserable, I'd remember that every time she suggested going bowling, or her weekly bowling night came up, and and go with her, at least some of the time. I know sex is way more intimate than bowling, but I really do have problems buying this 'we never think of it' line from asexuals in relationships. 

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

What I don't understand is if my partner had made clear that my lacking bowling enthusiasm made her feel miserable, I'd remember that every time she suggested going bowling, or her weekly bowling night came up, and and go with her, at least some of the time. I know sex is way more intimate than bowling, but I really do have problems buying this 'we never think of it' line from asexuals in relationships. 

In the case of my partner, it's less a matter of remembering that it's very important to me.. she does remember that. It's more a matter of remembering just how very important. That it's not a matter of "we do this once and then it'll be fine for the next 4 weeks".

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Even in a relationship between two sexuals, understanding and communicating sexual need is really difficult. Often, one partner has a kink or fetish that the other just doesn't feel comfortable fulfilling, or cannot understand. A lot of the time, the partner with the kink will have to remind the other partner that vanilla sex is fun, but not super fulfilling for them, and could they act out their fantasy again? 

A similar totally open line of communication is needed between an asexual and their sexual partner. Is sex for their partner more of a 'kink,' as in they don't need it, but it makes them really happy and they really love it, or is it a fetish, something they need in a relationship. Everyone is different, and asexuals don't 'get' or understand the extent to which sex is needed in a relationship by their partner, just like you might not really understand how important BDSM is to your partner. This is one of the reasons I am a huge advocate for 'monogamish' relationships, where if one's primary partner cannot fill their sexual needs, they have *many open communicative conversations* about opening the relationship a little so everyone's needs are met. 

Asexuals - don't be afraid of poly relationships. It could just be the best thing for both of you:) 

'

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12 minutes ago, shinyostrich said:

This is one of the reasons I am a huge advocate for 'monogamish' relationships, where if one's primary partner cannot fill their sexual needs, they have *many open communicative conversations* about opening the relationship a little so everyone's needs are met. 

Asexuals - don't be afraid of poly relationships. It could just be the best thing for both of you:) 

'

Poly is great ... if both people are actually into poly. If it's just a bandaid cause one person isn't into whatever, it's a terrible idea. Not everyone is into poly, or open relationships or could be happy in such a relationship. And the secondary partner deserves more than to just be the bandaid fix, also.

 

Personally, I am monogamous and could not be happy in a poly relationship. I cannot be interested in more than one person. And as soon as the other person is, it's like a switch is flipped and any romantic feelings just go away and I can't be comfortable being intimate with the person anymore in a non-platonic manner. Not mad at them, not jealous, just completely uninterested with no romantic feelings left. I'd much rather be single forever than try to force a polyamorous relationship that I didn't feel. 

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On 10/12/2016 at 3:30 PM, Snow Owl said:

She could, but if he asks for a hug, does she say no? If so, why?

If I ask for a hug I will get a hug. But there are so many levels to this! What I really want is for her to see and acknowledge my needs and since she does not feeeel the urge to show love this way, then at least be aware about my feelings and act upon it! To speak to me in my language, so to speak! I try to 'not force my language' upon her all the time.

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