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Last Resort: Please Help? Please...


medicine69

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Hello everyone. 

 

I'm so confused, I really need your thoughts. 

 

I am an attractive, sexual young woman, early 20's in a long term relationship with a 40+ yrs old man. We've been together for almost 2 years now, and frankly, this man is the best man I've ever met, but there's something about him I just fail to understand. 

He's never been married, no children, he's been involved in frivolous long distance relationships previously, where he's been cheated on, lied to and taken advantage of. I have much more sexual experience and have had more sexual partners than he had.  

 

When we first met we were just dating for a few months, and it was him who initiated physical contact, wanting to kiss me, touching me and tempting me into making love. We started making love then, without really finishing- and it just felt incredible. I was hesitant in kissing him at first, as it just seemed too intimate- and I didn't want to have intimacy without being officially in a relationship. 

Every time we made love or kissed after officially becoming a couple, it felt amazing. He was using his tongue in his kissing, but not extremely well (I could tell he wasn't incredibly experienced, or didn't work to 'perfect' his kissing) and our sexual relationship was a fulfilled one, at least on my side. 

Everything changed though, over time. We had a break up 6 months ago, a pretty dramatic one and we were both suffering immensely. 

After getting back together, even though we are both more mature and happier with how we've grown individually and together I've started noticing things I've been trying to ignore. 

-He described how lingerie doesn't do anything for him, it doesn't turn him on. 

-He described how he doesn't enjoy kissing, and he's stopped using his tongue altogether. 

-He never gives me oral sex. 

-He will rather watch TV, read or do anything but to escape and not have to kiss me/make love with me. 

-He never seems comfortable kissing me or me kissing him.  

-He almost never initiates sex. 

-He never calls me sexy or expresses his attraction towards me, even though he keeps saying he finds me gorgeous and attractive when I ask him. 

-He is embarrassed/ashamed of even looking at my genitals. 

-He will happily cuddle but he's 'too tired, just wants to sleep' to make love. 

-No foreplay. 

-He doesn't express his affection physically almost at all. 

-He says he is sorry he's just not passionate. 

-He feels insecure about his body and appearance. 

-He will make cheeky jokes about sex and he will touch my boobs casually, in a playful way. 

-When we do have sex, he always rather sucks on my nipples than kiss my lips, and he seems to always want to rush and do it in the dark. 

 

And he has a normal erection, he enjoys when I give him oral sex and sometimes when we do have sex it's just mind blowing somehow, and some other times most recently he just doesn't want to make love at all. I feel rejected and like I'm always the man in the relationship, initiating sex, trying to seduce him and he just feels so absent sometimes. I'm trying to inject and inspire passion and affection in him, but it doesn't seem to work.  

 

I don't know whether he has a light degree of asexuality (if there is such thing!), low self esteem, insecurities about his sexual performance and sex altogether, low sex drive or a combination of them all. He expressed how he 'likes sexy things' but he doesn't 'love' sexual stuff. I really don't know. 

I must also mention that he's been battling through depression for a big part of his life, he doesn't have friends and he's so very shy and timid, loves his games, his fantasy books, etc. He shows he loves me by being incredibly supportive, my greatest rock, the best boyfriend one can dream of- he just doesn't show it via words or sexually. 

 

I'd love to spend the rest of my days with this man, and I really need some guidance and advice on whether there is such thing as 'light' asexuality, and if I should try to work on this, find solutions and not give up. 

 

Thank you so much all, you guys rock. 

 

-M

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misswinchester

Seems like he might be ace... Honestly though the only person who can give a more accurate answer to that question than you already have is him. He may be happy to know there isn't anything wrong with him. I know I was.

 

Also - even full asexuals can and will sometimes have sex for a variety of reasons. It's like pizza. You may not think "hmmm that's some nice looking pizza lemme have some of that", but you can still eat and even enjoy (parts of) it.

 

I hope you two work it out :)

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I'm reluctant to say "this dude's asexual!" because it's almost never that clear cut. It's not my intention to try and explain away his behaviour, but I think you should be aware that there's always an alternative reason for something in these pesky complicated humans ^_^

 

Just as you get people who have oral fascinations and who can't get enough of kissing (*cough* me *cough*), you get people at the other end of the scale. Some folks really detest it, but it's not unusual for them to make an effort at first, and later on find they're unable to keep it up. If I had to choose between sex and kissing, I'd choose kissing without hesitation. Others wouldn't make the same choice.

 

You've been together for almost two years... I don't know any couple whose sex life doesn't stay rampant past say, six months. It'll slow down to the sexual timetable of the person who has the slowest sex drive. That's just what happens. Seeing as you've had other sexual relationships before, I'm hoping you're aware that people have very differing sex drives. He's twice your age - that has a big impact. My sex drive isn't the same now as it was in my 20s, and I can only assume it'll be different still in my 40s.

 

Honestly, a lot of the things you've listed also strike me as personality traits, rather than anything to do with sexuality, although the line between the two can get pretty blurry at times. In fact, I'm going to vote low sex drive, depression and personality, not asexuality, but only he can decide that for himself. I'd ask him if he thinks your sex life has changed, and if so, which did he prefer - how it was at the beginning or how it is now? I think that'll tell you everything you need to know. If it's changed and it's bothering him, both of you need to work on improving things. If he's not bothered, you need to accept that and figure out if you can cope with being with someone who doesn't desire you, isn't all that interested in sex with you and given the choice, would rather watch tv. It might be ok as you both age, but you also might become frustrated with the lack of passion in your relationship. Forums and support groups full of people in sexless marriages and relationships don't exist for nothing, you know?

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nanogretchen4

In most cases I think a couple who has broken up should stay broken up. Probably your reasons were solid, and probably there will be no lasting changes for the better. An attractive heterosexual woman in her early twenties has spectacular odds of being able to find a compatible heterosexual male with a little persistence. If you want to try to stick things out with the current boyfriend for another year I guess you can try, but don't make any permanent commitments until several years have passed and things have been consistently awesome. And if you ever break up again, for sure stay broken up and find someone else.

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The one thing that struck me in your post is talking about "working on this".   You really can't work on another person, and that's what is going on here: you are two separate, different people, and you would perhaps like him to be not quite so different from you.   No matter what went on before in your relationship, what is important is where you both are now.   Now he just doesn't want how much/what kind of physical relationship you do.  There's no getting around that by trying to adjust things here and there.   Maybe it would lead to more honesty between the two of you for you to have a conversation where each one states what they want and don't want, without making any assumptions or asking any questions of the other.  That way you don't get caught up in the "If only you could do this/maybe I could do that" maneuvering which really doesn't get you anywhere.  

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I can actually relate to almost all of what you wrote about your partner's past relationship experience and attitude to sex and intimacy. I'm Aromantic, Asexual and while some asexuals describe themselves as "sex positive" (although I haven't seen that term used for a while), I would not describe myself as such. Now that's just me, it doesn't mean that your partner is or is not Asexual, and regardless, what matters more is that you are both happy with your relationship. Some earnest discussion between you and your partner might be what's required here.  

 

Hope this helps.

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40 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It'll take more than 'earnest discussion'. 

yeah probably, but a least its a start :)

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