So Confused...

[Hiphopopotamus]

Hello! This is very long, I apologize in advance.

 

I'm a 27y/o female, currently 5.5 years into a relationship with little to no sex...

When I was younger I was curious but at the same time quite appalled by sex, I really wanted to be in a relationship but sex embarrassed me, made me uncomfortable and I felt really confused when my female friends were talking about having hots for random guys they saw, I'm still not sure what I was, I just assumed I'm.. innocent or something.

I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 20, I remember how I fell in love with him and how it was partially because he said he wasn't too interested in sex (lies) and only just recently came to terms with the fact that he pretty much.. Raped me? I grew attached to him even though he made me feel ashamed of myself by what I was doing with him and even though I was being used (I still have "flashbacks", ugh, they make me feel like cringing to death is possible).. After I got depressed he left me after a year of relationship.

My current relationship is pretty much my second serious one, it was okay at first, even though sex still embarrassed me it wasn't too bad until I fell into depression (regardless), he was affected and started having selfish sex, I had UTI every day (TMI, sorry) for about a month until I couldn't take it anymore and started rejecting him.. That was 4 years ago. He decided to stick around even though he is really suffering from the fact I don't want and literally CAN'T have sex... At a few points I asked myself maybe I'm asexual, while trying to give him an answer I started to dig into what makes me tick, but I don't know, that's the part I'm really confused about... 

 

I play video games, lots of them, and whenever I have the chance to be a female character and "romance" males I will, sometimes I get attached to characters (kinda embarrassing) i.e a character named Garrus - he's a freaking dinosaur-looking alien but I still felt stuff for him. And then I fantasize about the two characters' relationship (I never have fantasies about myself btw), and sometimes I fantasize about their sex... I get excited but I'm pretty sure it's not sexual excitement in 95% of the time, it's more like the feeling of love? Makes me giddy and giggly. I'm not sure if I think about sex because I'm not asexual or because of a warped perception that a healthy relationship should have sex (I don't really think that way but I can't control my subconscious).

 

Is there a thing as mental asexuality? Like from circumstances? I feel like part of the reason I'm not physically interested is because what my body has been through...

 

I'm sorry I'm so ramble-y, I am just THAT confused.

 

Thanks in advance to all those who reply 

[Livid]

The first thing you need to figure out is whether or not you want to be in an unhealthy relationship. Whether or not sex is emotionally unimportant to you, it is important to him, and he's selfish for desiring sex when you clearly don't want it, and you're selfish for stringing him along. You already know the answer. If sex does not interest you, then you're asexual. Now that concept is on a spectrum. Some day you may want to try again, or have that desire, but currently, if you do not, then you should not be in a relationship with someone who clearly wants it from you.

 

It isn't healthy for either of you and the tension will only build. This doesn't mean your relationship has to crumble. Talk to him about this, and yes it will be hard, but you will feel better. Trust me. Maybe you guys can be platonic friends. 

 

It's normal to be asexual and romanticize other relationships in your head. Many asexuals I know do this in their fandoms. FOR example, and God help me, I enjoy the idea of Dean and Castiel from Supernatural. Imagining their romance gives me the warm fuzzies. Does that mean I imagine myself in similar situations? Hell no.

 

My point being that you should be honest, don't hide things to make him feel better. Repressing your true identity and your sexuality will not make you or anyone around you happy. At least, not people who matter.