Looking for advice on a complicated asexual relationship

[bluemoonrising]

Hi all, 

 

I’m fairly new to AVEN. Sorry this is so long winded- I’m just looking for some insights on a complicated situation I’m in at the moment. I’m sure everyone will, and I do appreciate honesty, but please keep the comments non judgmental as it took me a lot of courage to post about this in the first place. I don’t normally do things like this. 

 

I’m a 30 year old female, I discovered I was asexual about two years ago by accident, when my mixed sexual relationship at the time wasn’t working and I’d tried everything under the sun to increase my interest in sex but nothing worked. I’d always known something wasn't right, something was different, as I’d never been interested in relationships, sex or dating the way my peers were. At first I just thought I was broken. I had a really difficult childhood growing up and have struggled with anxiety and depression in my teenage years and twenties. I kept thinking my lack of interest in sex was perhaps a side effect of the medications I took, my history growing up or as a result of the depression itself. I met my now ex partner at 25, he was my first relationship. We had sex throughout our relationship as I felt it was expected but deep down I never really enjoyed it as much as he did (he’s a sexual). It caused so much misery and arguments between us, the whole sex thing as my partner felt unwanted and unattractive to me, even though I loved him. I loved the being in a relationship, I just could happily have done without the sex. Sometimes when you are asexual you don’t realise just how important and how much of a deal breaker the lack of sex can be to an allosexual person, as it’s just not something I need or crave in my life. I didn’t realise I was asexual when I met my partner but it was only when I did some research that I came across the term asexual and everything seemed to click into place and make some sense. I even saw a therapist about it but Once the penny dropped that there was intact nothing wrong with me and I was not broken I stopped wanting to have sex with my partner, and although we tried to reach a compromise, sex was a big deal breaker for my partner,  understandably it drove a wedge between us and earlier on this year we broke up after I found out he’d been sleeping with other women. I feel a sense of relief in a way that I don’t have to pretend anymore. Me and my ex get on really well as friends and in all honesty I think he is relieved too and now accepts my asexuality and that it wasn't about him or his attractiveness.  

 

Which brings me onto the situation I find myself in now. I have a wonderful platonic intense connection with another asexual man who is a bit older than I am. I helped him to ‘come out’ as asexual because when I first met him, he didn’t know that he was. He had never married and always been single all his life and he said he was happy as he was, being single. I did suspect early on he might be asexual but didn’t ask too many questions about his single and celibate life as it was clear the topic made him quite uncomfortable and he did clam up a few times when it naturally came up in conversation. He eventually confessed to me that he had never told anyone apart from me, even his family,  but he didn’t want to connect to people sexually and wasn't sexually interested in anyone. He said he feared people’s judgement of him, especially being a man and he was surprised when I then told him I feel the same way and I introduced him to the concept of asexuality, and discussed it with him. It was a lightbulb moment for him. I think it was a big relief to finally know he wasn't broken or weird for not wanting to have sex and to be able to put a label on himself and know someone else who felt the same way as him was a great unburdening for him. 

 

I don’t mean to sound cliche but I would say we are kindred spirits, we laugh a lot, share all the same interests, support each other emotionally, travel and visit lots of places together and finish each other’s sentences. We just click, feels like we ‘belong’ together almost. We are always together and never seem to tire of each other’s company. I stay over his house all the time, at least a few nights a week (at his invitation). We’ve always been good platonic friends but since I’ve become single a much closer connection has been established and it’s clear that the feelings have grown on both sides. There’s a lot of physical affection between us as we are both very tactile- frequent hugs, cuddling up together, frequent chaste kisses on cheeks and holding hands a lot. We have never, nor feel the need, to have sexual contact of any kind and as I get so much fulfilment from non sexual intimacy I’m more than happy to leave it at that as I suspect is he. It’s clear that he's not the slightest bit interested in anything to do with sex and that suits me fine. We have been friends for a few years, although since me and my ex parted ways due to our differences we have become much closer, to the point where I’m confused about what our relationship actually is. I’m not entirely sure on my feelings as I find it hard to differentiate sometimes between really intense friendship and romantic love (and I have little experience of romantic relationships to be able to compare) I deliberately held off on letting my feelings grow for a while, especially as I’d just come out of a long term relationship and wanted time to grieve the loss of my relationship. I didn’t want to hurt someone else with my baggage or enter into a rebound relationship. 

 

 As time has gone on I think I am becoming romantically attracted to him in a way as I find myself desiring exclusivity and some form of commitment. I don’t exactly want to get married and settle down, but I do find myself wanting to ‘define’ our relationship somehow and have some sort of commitment. It’s clear our relationship is not a typical friendship but we’ve never had a discussion about us and I’m not really sure how to broach the topic. I think it may well be we have a queer platonic relationship going on. I feel a bit confused sometimes. I often find myself wanting to do things with him that I don’t usually want to do with other friends, such as the being close physically and wanting to share a bed non sexually amongst other things. For example, when I stay over I sleep in a separate room and recently he's often joined me when we get ready to bed for a cuddle which I enjoy as I like the feeling of closeness and warmth and being next to someone. Often we will both fall asleep for a little while and its clear he enjoys it too and I find myself really wishing he would stay there for the night but he always wakes up after a while and returns to his own bed without fail. Sometimes I feel down about it. I’ve made it clear he’s welcome and I know I could just open my mouth and ask him to share a bed but as its clear he prefers his own bed I worry he will say no and I would find the rejection hard to deal with. 

 

I find myself getting quite down every now and again as it feels like our friendship is in a grey area and I know it sounds negative but in my darker moments I sometimes feel he enjoys having the benefit of a ‘relationship’ but without any commitment involved. Sometimes I get this strong vibe off him that he would like a romantic connection with me because of the way he looks at me and behaves and then other times it feels more lukewarm, like I’m a friend. I’m usually really good at reading people but I’m flummoxed with this one, and truthfully, I’m feeling quite vulnerable at the moment so am scared of bringing it up with him incase I get rejected. Its not clear to me whether or not he is aromantic but I think there’s a possibility he is romantic. When he came out to me he said he met a woman some years back who he sort of dated for a while and would have liked to have a relationship with but he backed off from her as he felt he would be expected to connect sexually with her. As he didn’t know who he was at the time or realise it was possible to have romantic relationships without sex he just called it off.  I know that relationships, particularly ones on the asexual spectrum, can be fluid and non conventional, so I don’t automatically assume that just because my friend enjoys doing the things he does with me, it means his feelings are automatically more than that of a friendship. 

 

I guess I’m just looking for some insights and advice from an outsiders’ perspective. I know that the obvious thing to do in this situation is to simply talk about it with him, define what, if anything, we are and let the chips fall where they may, and probably in time I will do just that, but at the moment I just feel a bit confused and vulnerable and don’t want to ruin the friendship we have if it went wrong or create awkwardness…

 

[Kai99]

How you describe your relationship.. sounds like a dream! Man, am I envious! A close platonic relationship with small kisses and cuddles, coupled with a strong bond where you feel as though you can talk about anything, with no sexual tension in sight! God, an asexual can dream!

 

It sounds me that he has strong feelings for you as well. I would recommend asking if he would want to be queer platonic partners or life partner with you. I think for several asexuals, especially those who didn't know of asexuality, romantic relationships automatically carry a sexual connotation to it. It is hard to separate the two especially when you had sexual relationships in the past. As a life partner, he would have no expectations, and you guys can make up your own limits and boundaries as to what a life partner will mean.

 

 

[SaturnOOO]

I agree. It sounds like you have something really special! From what you've described, I can't imagine that he doesn't feel the same closeness with you, though I guess it's possible you might have mismatched wishes when it comes to exclusivity or romance. My first instinct was to think: "don't say anything! Enjoy it!!!" but it sounds like you're a little past that. Maybe then start with something tangentially related? Like asking him if he's ever thought about staying the night in your bed? You could give him an out, explaining that you're just curious because you know some people are really particular about sleeping alone or something, and see what he says. If you're lucky, he might say he would love to stay with you but was trying to respect your space. If not, at least you know, and it doesn't have to get too awkward?

[Guest]

May I ask how much older is he? I feel that is significant somehow.

[bluemoonrising]

Thanks for the insights guys. It's good advice, I should just sit down and have a conversation. To answer your question, BurningAmber, he's 20 years older than me, and youre right, the age gap could be significant here for obvious reasons. It adds another dimension to the situation.