Aces or greys who fantasize: what are yours like?

[Snao Cone]

I don't want to know the details, but I'm curious about how different or detached the fantasies of people who are asexual or greysexual may be.

 

When I imagine sexual situations, they usually:

• don't involve me at all, or any real people for that matter;
• come with an elaborate background story using well-developed characters of my own creation; and
• are more focused on the relationship dynamics than the sexual acts.

 

I wonder how different that may be for other people. As I'm also aro, I would never want to live through these moments myself (and I don't think I'm even capable of feeling that way anyway). I don't think of these sexual moments as something I would want to participate in. They're just interesting to me. They're entertainment.

 

This is almost always at night, and they wind up my mind so much that I need physical release to fall asleep. It's never anything I have a desire to make happen.

 

How about you?

 

[sindi]

4 minutes ago, Snow Cone said:

• don't involve me at all, or any real people for that matter;

 

That completely applies to me as well.

5 minutes ago, Snow Cone said:

• are more focused on the relationship dynamics than the sexual acts.

I have basically two types of fantasies. The others do indeed involve sexual acts, but those are the "lame" kind of fantasies that I use to just lazily get it over with. Those are only mildly enjoyable.

The other kind doesn't involve sexual acts at all, but focus solely on the relationship dynamics, and also have way more developed characters etc. I enjoy that kind of fantasies much more, but I can't always get myself in the right mood for them, sadly.

I'd prefer to only have the second kind of fantasies, because the ones with the sexual acts feel a bit cheap and cheesy to me, and leave me feeling a bit dirty and disappointed. I don't mean to say, that I look down on sex in general - they just feel that way to me personally, maybe because I know that I wouldn't enjoy those acts one bit in real life. Not that I'd want a relationship with the kind of dynamics I fantasize about in real life either, but at least I can see some appeal in it, which makes those fantasies feel more "true to myself"... maybe.

[borkfork]

• I have a very vivid minds eye, but my brain doesn't feel the need to flesh out details. I have a hard time describing it. 
• I've tried to picture people I know, at this point it's just an experiment because I can't "hold" those thoughts for very long. It also feels blurry, like looking at something through privacy glass.
• My thoughts jump, there's no long sequence of events.

I had more romantic fantasies when I was younger, and I don't know what changed there. The relationships and all that went away. I've compartmentalized that away from sex to be separate fantasies now. I'm never involved in the sex fantasies myself, but I can do romance sometimes.

[Mychemicalqpr]

Just now, borkfork said:

I have a very vivid minds eye, but my brain doesn't feel the need to flesh out details. I have a hard time describing it. 

I think I know what you're talking about.  My brain knows that the people I'm imagining would probably be nude, but it doesn't draw a lot of detail on bodies.  It's kind of like they're just wearing a body suit exactly the color of their skin.  Is that what you mean?

 

Mine also never involve me personally.  When I was confused and still trying to be straight, I tried a few times, but it was unpleasant.  It's much better to imagine fictional people, and I do have a couple celebrities that I ship, but not many.  I've also learned that it's more pleasant if I imagine only males almost all of the time, probably because of dysphoria. 

 

I also focus on things other than the sex itself: emotions, story, my fetishes, or any combination of the three. 

 

[Ashmedai]

Mine pretty much always involve myself with someone else, but it's usually not in first person. It's pretty much just seeing all the action bits, rather than having any sort of emotional attachment to it.

[Delphic Oracle]

On 12/7/2016 at 11:24 AM, Snow Cone said:

I don't want to know the details, but I'm curious about how different or detached the fantasies of people who are asexual or greysexual may be.

 

When I imagine sexual situations, they usually:

• don't involve me at all, or any real people for that matter;
• come with an elaborate background story using well-developed characters of my own creation; and
• are more focused on the relationship dynamics than the sexual acts.

 

I wonder how different that may be for other people. As I'm also aro, I would never want to live through these moments myself (and I don't think I'm even capable of feeling that way anyway). I don't think of these sexual moments as something I would want to participate in. They're just interesting to me. They're entertainment.

 

This is almost always at night, and they wind up my mind so much that I need physical release to fall asleep. It's never anything I have a desire to make happen.

 

How about you?

 

This is very similar to my own experience.  I'm either not depicted or totally transplanted into a different life with non-real people.  Sometimes an 'aesthetically pleasing' stranger from real life is present, but I don't fool myself into thinking that they are anything more than a wrapping, the relationship dynamics are what drive the arousal.  I'm loathe to use friends as stand-ins.  This is partly because I find it rather disrespectful and partly because it's a bit dangerous as a demi/gray to indulge in fantasy with someone that I do have real emotional bonds with.  When intimacy is both highly desired and exceedingly rare, I don't quite trust myself to keep the fantasy and reality totally compartmentalized.  Those who I do not have strong bonds with have a much lower risk of my saying or acting inappropriately towards them.  Backgrounds are not always 'elaborate', but naturally there is almost always at least an 'implied' existing back story; casual, semi-anonymous sex is not only less alluring to me, it's downright uncomfortable.

[Snao Cone]

@CBC there are people who can't make mental pictures at all. I forget the name for this, but it's not uncommon, and I highly highly highly doubt they're all asexual or grey or whatever. I'm sure there are sexual people who never appear in their own fantasies. Not everyone's fantasies (that is, imagined scenarios or acts that get them aroused) translate to the sexual things they actually want to do. I'm just wondering if that's widely common among asexuals with libidos and overlapping imaginations. I don't at all doubt that there are sexual people like this too.

[butterflydreams]

On 12/7/2016 at 0:24 PM, Snow Cone said:

This is almost always at night, and they wind up my mind so much that I need physical release to fall asleep. It's never anything I have a desire to make happen.

For me it's basically this I think. Though, until very recently, I was categorically unable to fantasize in any way that involved me. Nowadays, if I fantasize, it still tends to be pretty vague, but I can actually put myself into it (yay?). I always thought it was because I just have never had partnered sex. 

 

I still don't find the actual act of sex to be much more than a rote thing people can do. I can't really attach any deep meaning or significance to the act itself. So that probably plays into how my fantasies manifest. And in some ways, I think I do tend to focus on the elements beyond the sex itself. And especially if I'm inserting myself into the fantasy. So like you said, more elaborate back stories, that kind of thing. I also tend to focus a lot on the act of togetherness.

[Ix Phoen]

I fantasize about having help cleaning the house. Hiking in the woods and talking. Cuddling is a good one.

Like @Hadley167, my favorite fantasy is just being completely comfortable with someone.

 

I actually don't enjoy fantasizing about sex. *shrug* The physical act is completely severed from positive emotions due to traumatic experiences in the past. 

[SaturnOOO]

On 2016-12-07 at 0:24 PM, Snow Cone said:

When I imagine sexual situations, they usually:

• don't involve me at all, or any real people for that matter;
• come with an elaborate background story using well-developed characters of my own creation; and
• are more focused on the relationship dynamics than the sexual acts.

Definitely me on all accounts... though I've never actually considered them "sexual situations" because of your third point above. This question really made me think because I've had sexual partners ask me in the past what my fantasies are, and I've drawn a blank every single time. I really don't think I've ever had a sexual fantasy in the traditional sense, and I'm fairly certain that the fantasies I do come up with aren't sexual at all, but are perhaps stand-ins of sorts. I've made up these scenarios in my head since I was a kid and only when I was pre-puberty was I ever actually in them. Usually they revolve around some sort of very high-stakes situation or adventure. I think maybe the "stand-in" part comes from the fact that although they don't make me sexually aroused, they put me in a place where I'm able to be really wrapped up in an intense stimulus... which I imagine is how sex feels to many sexuals (the descriptions you hear of "letting yourself go" or "losing yourself in the moment.") Although you might be able to imagine why I'd be hesitant to answer "Hey baby what's your fantasy?" with "Oh... people who really care about each other going on adventures together..."

[Salted Karamel]

On 12/7/2016 at 0:24 PM, Snow Cone said:

When I imagine sexual situations, they usually:

• don't involve me at all, or any real people for that matter;
• come with an elaborate background story using well-developed characters of my own creation; and
• are more focused on the relationship dynamics than the sexual acts.

I would echo precisely this, except instead of well-developed characters strictly of my own creation, they're usually existing fictional characters that I write fanfiction about and have further developed into more well-rounded characters with more complex backgrounds and relationship dynamics by my "own creation." Usually a specific two or three, but some newly presented fictional characters might take my imagination's interest for a while if their stories and their relationship are convincing enough.

 

I wouldn't say I'm uninterested in imagining myself in their roles, but it's almost always hetero couples that I ship and I'm not particularly fussy about which of them I imagine myself being.

 

 

7 hours ago, Delphic Oracle said:

I'm loathe to use friends as stand-ins.  This is partly because I find it rather disrespectful and partly because it's a bit dangerous as a demi/gray to indulge in fantasy with someone that I do have real emotional bonds with.  When intimacy is both highly desired and exceedingly rare, I don't quite trust myself to keep the fantasy and reality totally compartmentalized.

Yes 500% to this. I'm reluctant to even have romantic fantasies about people I know but not very well, as there is the danger of building up ideas of who they are and forming an attachment without them even having the slightest interest in me—a one-sided "bond," if you will, that is based entirely on my own fantasies and nothing much based in reality. But sometimes your heart doesn't really know the difference, you know? At least, mine is very susceptible to my overactive imagination, which may have something to do with me spending the bulk of my leisure time with fictional characters.

 

 

1 hour ago, SaturnOOO said:

Although you might be able to imagine why I'd be hesitant to answer "Hey baby what's your fantasy?" with "Oh... people who really care about each other going on adventures together..."

Ahahaha, is this not everyone's favorite fantasy though?

[SaturnOOO]

37 minutes ago, katydidd said:

Ahahaha, is this not everyone's favorite fantasy though?

I mean... if not it probably should be

[Someone Else]

I may not be capable of genuinely wanting sex, but I'm capable of imagining that I want sex... perhaps because I lived so long believing that I "just needed to find the right person."  

[borkfork]

@CBC @Snow Cone Aphantasia. Someone on AVEN mentioned having it but I don't remember who.

[six-or-one]

On 07/12/2016 at 6:34 PM, borkfork said:

•  
• I've tried to picture people I know, at this point it's just an experiment because I can't "hold" those thoughts for very long. It also feels blurry, like looking at something through privacy glass.
• My thoughts jump, there's no long sequence of events.

 

On 07/12/2016 at 7:16 PM, twilightstarr said:

My brain knows that the people I'm imagining would probably be nude, but it doesn't draw a lot of detail on bodies.  It's kind of like they're just wearing a body suit exactly the color of their skin.

On 09/12/2016 at 1:12 AM, Someone Else said:

I may not be capable of genuinely wanting sex, but I'm capable of imagining that I want sex... perhaps because I lived so long believing that I "just needed to find the right person."  

On 08/12/2016 at 6:41 PM, Hadley167 said:

 

I still don't find the actual act of sex to be much more than a rote thing people can do. I can't really attach any deep meaning or significance to the act itself. So that probably plays into how my fantasies manifest.

 

 

 

On 08/12/2016 at 10:41 AM, CBC said:

...I would experience something more akin to a split-second image in my mind. Perhaps just a vague concept unaccompanied by images. There and then gone... Definitely not long enough to become a fantasy of any sort.

 

Or, more relevant to the topic at hand: "I've got really strong feelings for this person; if the situation was right, I wouldn't be opposed to having sex with them." *vague two-second image of being in bed with them, in some position that looks like people having sex* "Yep, that's sex."

 

I feel I can relate to all of these statements on some level. If I do have a 'fantasy' it just pops into my mind and I sometimes try to get rid of it, or just let it complete it's course (they don't last very long as they are just snapshots).

 

Since I have been thinking about my asexuality I have been considering what sexual ideas I have so that I can figure out where I fall on the spectrum (I think I'm autochorrisexual). The sexual ideas I have are basic (as if I am participating in a puppet show). Me and 'my partner' are not exerting any sexuality into what we are doing, there is no sweat or passion or any real joy or connection. It seems mechanical and boring. It feels like I could enjoy it. But mostly it feels dispassionate and unpleasant.

 

I have been questioning my sexuality quite a lot lately as it is weighing on my mind a bit. I've been trying to imagine sexual situations, but they all seem boring and I have no sense of arousal from them.

[Raggedy_Android]

It doesn't always work for me, but I'm usually either a fictional character of my own design or someone else's in a budding relationship with another fictional character of my own design or someone else's. The emphasis is usually on their deep, personal connection, which is almost always their deep, platonic bond, which is what ultimately leads to their "relationship upgrade", so to speak (I'm a sucker for a good fictional romance, admittedly).

 

But ultimately, they don't involve "me", in the real sense anyway. Not my thing, particularly, go figure. 

 

But otherwise, all of your bullet points describe my fantasies exactly. Especially as aces, I think we need a good story to make those romances appealing, since it seems like one of the more reliable ways to make an already confusing concept a little more understable. 

[Maristine]

For me, it depends. If I'm just craving sexual release and feel like imagining something while I take care of it myself, I usually just imagine a person doing things to me. Just a generic, undetailed body.

 

If I'm feeling sentimental or romantic, I will imagine a generic aesthetically pleasing guy around my age and it will be more focused on the relationship and the closeness between us. There have only been a small handful of times I imagined a specific person and that was during my first and only crush to this day.