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Does anyone else experience sexual attraction, but dislike the feeling?


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The short version of my question is: If I do experience sexual attraction, but strongly dislike the feeling, does that rule me out as asexual? If not, how come? If so, then what does that make me? Are there any other people who do experience sexual attraction but do not like the feeling?

 

To explain further, I'm pretty sure that I am demi-sexual. I almost never feel sexual attraction towards another person, and if I do, it's never towards someone I don't know. I can only ever find someone attractive if I've at least talked with them.

However, even from the few people that I've felt this attraction for, I've discovered that I really don't like the feeling of sexual attraction in of itself. I have theories for why this is, but at it's most basic level I do think that I just dislike the sensation, rather than any of the meaning that may come with it. Otherwise, I think my disliking may have to do with the fact that I don't like having my thoughts clouded over by a sensation, and that I don't like the idea of my body trying to control me in some form, especially when another person is involved.

What makes it even more annoying, is that even though I mainly dislike the feeling, in the moment it can become something of a guilty pleasure. The sensation is obviously supposed to create positive feelings, and so when I'm not thinking, I'll sometimes find myself lost in the feeling and finding it enjoyable, even though I don't actually want anything to do with it. I'll dislike sexual attraction at every moment before and after experiencing it, and only like it when I'm fully caught up in it. To me, it almost feels like some kind of hypnotism, which I find unnerving.

Because of this, I sometimes find myself "wishing" that I was asexual, since I figure that feeling sexual attraction at all means that I'm not asexual, and wishing that I was one of those people who has never experienced the sensation.

But my biggest question is, is there anyone who can relate to this? I tried, albeit not that hard, to find other people in this community who had similar feelings through google searches, and I couldn't find anything related to what I experienced. So is there anyone else out there who experiences but doesn't like sexual attraction?

I also figure that it's relevant to add that I'm not sex repulsed. I find enjoyment in sexual sensations more often than not. I just feel like sexual attraction crosses the line.

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i also do experience sexual attraction, but i also dont like to have sex...

my body and my feelings has completley opposite attitude when topic comes to sex.

 

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I find it quite exhilarating most of the time. It can be awkward, sure, inappropriate, annoying, but I still enjoy it.

 

So do you ever get the desire for sex? A lot of members here (myself included) are pushing for a desire based definition for asexuality, and getting rid of the attraction stuff. This is because not every sexual person experiences it, but does have a general or specific desire for sexual activity. If you do actually read through AVEN's faqs, you'll see that it defines sexual attraction as the desire for sex (which makes no sense to me). Desire and attraction are seperate, but you know, that's what you get when people who don't experience stuff write definitions.

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12 hours ago, dissolved said:

So do you ever get the desire for sex? A lot of members here (myself included) are pushing for a desire based definition for asexuality, and getting rid of the attraction stuff. This is because not every sexual person experiences it, but does have a general or specific desire for sexual activity. If you do actually read through AVEN's faqs, you'll see that it defines sexual attraction as the desire for sex (which makes no sense to me). Desire and attraction are seperate, but you know, that's what you get when people who don't experience stuff write definitions.

So the asexual community is aiming for defining asexuality as a lack of a desire for sex rather than a lack of an attraction based impulse? How recently has this change been occurring? Because from the research I tried to do, I've only seen it described as a lack of attraction thus far.

 

But anyway, as far as a desire for sex goes, that's a little different for me. I think I'm more indifferent to sex than anything. I'm more okay with sex because it just seems like a part of life, like a way to continue a species, than anything else. I like the sensations (of masturbation at least, since I'm a virgin), but I rarely get cravings for sex, and most of the time when I do I can simply ignore them. Thus, on a whole, I don't think I really have a desire for sex, but I think I could have a desire for it, such as, obviously, for the sake of having children, or for being able to enjoy a positive sensation, that's naturally built into your body, with someone I love. I guess that falls in line with my being demisexual, because I would have no desire to have sex with a person I don't know really well simply out of a craving.

 

Does that mean, then, that even though I experience sexual attraction, I could still be considered asexual because I dislike it? Is it now being deemed that anyone who desires sex isn't asexual, or is it deeper than that? I guess I'm still a little confused.

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(I'm short on time, so maybe your full post explains this, but I'm reading the TLDR.)

If you do experience the mental impulse to have sex with someone specific but dislike the feeling, then yes, it disqualifies asexuality, but it is under Gray-asexuality. And yes, there are other people like this.

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12 hours ago, Joahchime said:

So the asexual community is aiming for defining asexuality as a lack of a desire for sex rather than a lack of an attraction based impulse? How recently has this change been occurring? Because from the research I tried to do, I've only seen it described as a lack of attraction thus far.

 

But anyway, as far as a desire for sex goes, that's a little different for me. I think I'm more indifferent to sex than anything. I'm more okay with sex because it just seems like a part of life, like a way to continue a species, than anything else. I like the sensations (of masturbation at least, since I'm a virgin), but I rarely get cravings for sex, and most of the time when I do I can simply ignore them. Thus, on a whole, I don't think I really have a desire for sex, but I think I could have a desire for it, such as, obviously, for the sake of having children, or for being able to enjoy a positive sensation, that's naturally built into your body, with someone I love. I guess that falls in line with my being demisexual, because I would have no desire to have sex with a person I don't know really well simply out of a craving.

 

Does that mean, then, that even though I experience sexual attraction, I could still be considered asexual because I dislike it? Is it now being deemed that anyone who desires sex isn't asexual, or is it deeper than that? I guess I'm still a little confused.

 

I've been here regularly for about two years now, and I think the discussion to move to a desire based definition (removing "attraction" entirely) has been going on for most of that time. Many folk here are desperate to keep the attraction based definition, and I have my theories as to why, but this isn't really the time or the place to discuss that.

 

There are plenty of asexual folk here who experience sexual attraction (as in, simply a bodily reaction to someone/something) but have no desire to act on it - that's what makes them asexual. There are also asexual folk who experience no attraction or desire - again, asexual. Conversely, there are sexual folk who don't experience sexual attraction (and certainly not the way AVEN defines it) but do experience desire for sex - that's precisely what makes them sexual.

 

The attraction definition has many issues, not least because no one can agree on what it actually is. It's hard coming here and being told by an asexual what sexual attraction supposedly is, especially when they haven't experienced it first hand. Attraction is just attraction, at the end of the day. It's what you want to do with it that counts. Other than telling you who or what can turn you on, attraction isn't much use.

 

You're a little more complicated, in that you do experience attraction and desire to an extent, but desire for you is rare and reasonably mild. The deciding question should be - do you desire sex for your own emotional and/or sexual pleasure and/or satisfaction? If no, asexual; that one's pretty easy. If consistently yes, sexual; also easy. Or like you (and me), when an emotional bond has been established - demisexual. What about sometimes, or under certain conditions? The grey area exists as a catch all for these more complicated cases, but where the line is drawn between grey and sexual is up to you - if you feel your desire is far lower than your average person or it's just not strong enough for you to act upon, it'd make sense to say you're in the grey area, demisexual etc.

 

Realistically, it's just a word that helps you to navigate the world and relationships with people. It doesn't define you, and worrying about your sexuality (or lack of) certainly shouldn't take up much of your time.

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Sometimes yes, and it makes me very uncomfortable to the point of self-harm/panic attack type stuff. I try to make it so I don't feel much of anything.

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Sounds like you're gray, which I am too.  On the rare times when I do feel something I just hate it and find it very upsetting. Because I know from experience that if I did actually have sex I wouldn't enjoy it and would hate myself afterwards. I'm genuinely jealous of people who never feel anything and are 100% asexual.

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Some people on here are ok with the people who are effectively asexual to just identify as asexual, others insist that they do have a sexuality and thus aren't asexual but due to their reaction to it they fall under the Gray umbrella. And I do see a point to the latter. Honestly, if it was explained to someone (verbally or through explicitly sexual visual interest); "i identify as asexual and desire sex with ppl but not IRL" it wouldn't help people's view on asexuality as a legitimate orientation or their perspective that 'everyone does desire sex, asexuals just dont want it IRL'. I could even see it get stretched to just 'asexuals can desire sex'; and with asexuals already being able to sexually compromise that would amount to a normal sexual person and i could see the 'special snowflake' misconception on asexuality spreading. It could be difficult to clean up that mess on an orientation that's already hardly visible.

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