Can the Heteromale get the ACE gal?

[Flamman99999]

So over a year ago I awkwardly introduced myself to this new girl at my work lounge. She was watching a geeky movie and I was already attracted to her as is and that only made me want to get her more. After a short conversation we traded Facebook accounts and messaged back and forth until she stopped messaging me and I just let it go. A few month later I come to work and find she is to be my assistant for the next few months. I chat it up with her and see we share many things in common. I never get the courage to ask her out because she is so perfect to me and I didn't want to be rejected. So a few months go by and she is back with her normal station. I just happen to bump into her one late night at work and we enjoy ice cream together. we talk and talk and we get to the subject of her sexuality. She informs me that she is Asexual and is not attracted to anyone but if she was it would be males. This  discouraged me even more and I tried my best to put her out of my mind but we are friends and she is a talented artist and writer and every time I try to get over her she impresses me somehow and I fall in love again. This feeling is terrible. It has been almost 2 years now and this is the most terrible feeling I have ever had in my heart....We hang out everyday,message everyday and so on and so forth. Being so close to her is so painful because she legitimately means the world to me and I cant tell her because I am afraid...What should I do? Sex means nothing to me as I am a virgin by faith. I just want to be with her but is it possible to make it work??
PS:I have tried dating other females but none of them have ever made me feel the way she does....And sorry for my crying and ranting or grammar  issues ):

[Luftschlosseule]

Welcome to AVEN!

Why do you care? Don't get me wrong, the topic title simply feels to me like it's a special achievement to lay the ace girl. And girl, not woman - you don't sound as if you were taking her serious as a human being. On the other hand you say she is perfect for you and you feel intimidated by that, that she means the world for you.

If you are serious, try to tell her that sex does not matter to you because of your faith, that theese feelings for her have been strong for two years. And watch out for your phrasings.

 

What is your goal? You already spent each day in each other's company, she trusts you to a certain grade because she told you she belongs to a minority sexuality.

I recommend that you puzzle that one out beforehand.

[Thepackcracker]

I think I see what your problem is. Some asexuals are romantic, and you can totally have a normal romantic or even sexual relationship with an asexual person.

[Nidwin]

Sex means nothing to me as I am a virgin by faith.

 

Now that sounds like a very healthy plan if you ask me. Bonne chance with that one till you give back everything you're borrowing to the universe we live in.

 

Everything can work if you compromise enough it seems as there are so many mixed couples (and you don't even want sex so a big + for you mate) who make it work and it's always so perfect in wonderland.

[Flamman99999]

The title was just something on the fly. I don't wanna just lay an ACE for achievement. I didn't even know that ACE was a thing until many of my friends told me they were. I only used girl because we are both young adults with many things to hurdle over before we can truly call ourselves adults. My goal is that I want to be with her on a mind to mind level. I have friends who are very close and precious to me but even them I cannot tell certain things.
But thank you for your support everyone.  I just don't know how to approach it...She has many males in her life that just want to lay her and I don't wanna be seen as one of those guys or even trying to one up those guys by saying that I am a virgin by faith. I want to be seen in a different light. I feel like if any-hope truly was there for me she wouldn't have told me she was ACE..Her parents don't even know yet.

[specialsnowflake]

First you should identify her romantic attraction. She may be aromantic or romantic.

[Flamman99999]

Ahh that sounds like a good start. How do I go about asking her...I dont think she knows...

[Salted Karamel]

On 12/6/2016 at 2:05 AM, Flamman99999 said:

So over a year ago I awkwardly introduced myself to this new girl at my work lounge. She was watching a geeky movie and I was already attracted to her as is and that only made me want to get her more. After a short conversation we traded Facebook accounts and messaged back and forth until she stopped messaging me and I just let it go. A few month later I come to work and find she is to be my assistant for the next few months. I chat it up with her and see we share many things in common. I never get the courage to ask her out because she is so perfect to me and I didn't want to be rejected. So a few months go by and she is back with her normal station. I just happen to bump into her one late night at work and we enjoy ice cream together. we talk and talk and we get to the subject of her sexuality. She informs me that she is Asexual and is not attracted to anyone but if she was it would be males. This  discouraged me even more and I tried my best to put her out of my mind but we are friends and she is a talented artist and writer and every time I try to get over her she impresses me somehow and I fall in love again. This feeling is terrible. It has been almost 2 years now and this is the most terrible feeling I have ever had in my heart....We hang out everyday,message everyday and so on and so forth. Being so close to her is so painful because she legitimately means the world to me and I cant tell her because I am afraid...What should I do? Sex means nothing to me as I am a virgin by faith. I just want to be with her but is it possible to make it work??
PS:I have tried dating other females but none of them have ever made me feel the way she does....And sorry for my crying and ranting or grammar  issues ):

 

Well, I have a few questions, comments, and concerns here, some of which may not be popular, so I'm going to reply here before reading other replies so that they don't influence me.

 

First being this: You insist that you're in love with her, but really, it seems to me that you may have started "loving" her more after she became unobtainable to you. Examine yourself and consider the possibility that what you feel isn't love so much as longing for what you cannot have. You seem to have put her on a pedestal and that is not love, because love is between equals and you can never be equal with someone who you insist on raising above yourself.

 

Secondly: You say sex isn't important to you, yet you have never had sex due to your religion (by which I'm assuming you mean abstinence until marriage, and not permanent celibacy). You also identify as a sexual person. By that logic, sex is actually very important to you (because you are allosexual), but you're so used to repressing your sexuality that you think you can deny it forever. Do you really think that will last forever? You're young, you've never even tried it. And so many people refuse to find out that they're sexually incompatible until after marriage because of religious observance.

 

Is it possible for a sexual person and an asexual person to have a romantic relationship and find a sexual compromise? Yes, it is. But what I'm reading here smacks of you not knowing yourself completely, and that doesn't strike me as a winning ingredient for a successful relationship of mixed orientations and sexual compromise.

[Joe the Stoic]

Might as well ask her out and see out it goes.  She might give you a shot, even if it's not totally her thing.

[Guest]

On 12/6/2016 at 2:05 AM, Flamman99999 said:

Sex means nothing to me as I am a virgin by faith. I just want to be with her but is it possible to make it work??

Are you expecting her to be sexual after your faith allows it? If so, it will only work if both of you are mature enough and completely honest and open to each other. For all you know, she may be repulsed by sex. Can you live with that?

[deltaX]

Like others have said, whether or not a relationship with her would work depends on her as a person, since all ace people are different.  Some are aromantic and/or completely repulsed by the idea of being in a romantic relationship, while others are alloromantic and actually seek out romantic relationships.  Some ace people are unwilling to compromise on sex in a mixed relationship, while others may not.  I think that if you do want to date this girl, you would have to first have a conversation about what each of your exceptions is for the relationship and what the boundaries are.  Communication would be important in the beginning of any relationship, but it's especially important in mixed relationships.

[SaturnOOO]

Hey Flamman,

Sounds like you are suffering and I'm sorry to hear this. As others have said, it is truly impossible to tell how receptive she may be to you from her orientation alone. Perhaps she is romantic and would be open to the idea of a romance with you, perhaps not. I think the only way you're going to find out for sure is to talk with her, though I'd suggest doing some soul-searching before hand to make sure that a.) that's what you really want to do and b.) you're going to be able to accept the fact that she may not be interested. As others have said, it is sometimes a possibility, with open communication and compromise, to make a mixed relationship work. First, though, I'd echo some concerns that have already been expressed.

 

First, I 100% agree with katydidd that love does not involve one person placing another on a pedestal. As an asexual woman (and I'm sure many sexual people feel the same,) I can absolutely tell when someone is doing this, and it is not endearing. Instead, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and unable to take their feelings seriously. No one is perfect, certainly not me, and if someone loves me I expect them to acknowledge my imperfections. When someone treats you as uniformly this amazing superhuman, it becomes obvious that they don't truly know you. You obviously really admire this girl, and I have no doubts whatsoever that you are sincere in your admiration, but your post certainly did come across as pedestal-y. Just something to perhaps mediate on!

 

Second, you say you are young and inexperienced. You'll want to be sure you truly do understand what asexual means. I share the sentiment that by saying you are uninterested in sex for now because of your religion, you indicate perhaps a lack of understanding or unreasonable expectations about what asexuality means. It is possible that this girl wishes to never engage in sex. Ever. This is different from waiting until marriage because of your beliefs. It's not feeling sexual attraction but abstaining; it's the absence of wanting to engage with people in that way. I just think it bears clarification because asexual doesn't mean waiting, and if you're unclear about that from the beginning and you do end up pursuing a relationship, that could be a bugger to work out down the road.

 

It sounds like you have a beautiful friendship and lots in common with one another, so I wish you both the very best of luck. Feel free to keep us posted or seek more clarification if needed.

 

2 hours ago, amn said:

I have strong feeling (maybe I'm wrong) that if one day she will find out that you have loads of money she will fall in love with you and become sexual

 

This is rubbish.

[Guest]

Quote

I have strong feeling (maybe I'm wrong) that if one day she will find out that you have loads of money she will fall in love with you and become sexual 

 

So you'd actively desire sex with someone for the right of money despite identifying as asexual? Like a really enthusiastic prostitute? Just because you're like that doesn't mean everyone else is. 

 

 

 

At the OP: could you be happy in a relationship with this girl if everything was EXACTLY the same as it is now, but with the title of boyfriend and girlfriend? I mean, you two sound quite close anyway so all that would be changing would be the title it seems to me ..Also does "virgin by faith" mean you would expect sex after marriage? Because she may think that's what you mean and know there wouldn't be any point in perusing a relationship as someday (if you stay together) you will either expect sex OR have to break up so that you can find someone who will be happy to have sex once married. If she knew you would literally NEVER want sex from her no matter what she may be more inclined to a relationship if she has those feelings already. However she may also have no interest in relationships at all so it's really important to talk to her about this!

 

Good luck

[deltaX]

3 hours ago, amn said:

I have strong feeling (maybe I'm wrong) that if one day she will find out that you have loads of money she will fall in love with you and become sexual

If this is the case, then she probably wouldn't have been asexual in the first place.  Asexuality is an innate lack of sexual attraction, not a lack of sexual attraction until you find out a guy is rich. 

[RK800]

Why do I get a bad feeling about this? No offense.

[Flamman99999]

Thank everyone for your support. I have taken a step back and I do hold her on a pedestal. I dont really want her to be up there alone.. I would like us to both be placed high in each others eyes...I'm not really sure though how to take a step back and show her true love instead of doing the former. I only mention the sexless because of faith because I dont have an urge to have sex like my peers seem to have. What I mean is if she never wanted to have sex with me I would be fine but as noted earlier I cant say that because I am allosexual(but as far as I know it has never compelled me or my actions). I do not want her because I cant have, I want her because..I really like her. I liked her since the day I have seen her,before we even met. I thank god everyday for setting up a situation where we would even meet each other. 
While I do not believe she is a gold-digger(you guys made me smile) I am worried that she may not be ACE. I have had some "friends" outright lie to me after I comment about how they are pregnant so fast or they wanted to avoid boys so they tell people that. I hear or sometimes or while we are talking she will go on and on about attractive men and thier "bods" or her future "husbando" but i take it as a joke.

[Flamman99999]

And I would like to point out while my account is new I have been browsing this site for a while...I have been feeling this way for quite a while now but only now does my heart tear at the seems..

[Salted Karamel]

1 hour ago, Flamman99999 said:

While I do not believe she is a gold-digger(you guys made me smile) I am worried that she may not be ACE. I have had some "friends" outright lie to me after I comment about how they are pregnant so fast or they wanted to avoid boys so they tell people that. I hear or sometimes or while we are talking she will go on and on about attractive men and thier "bods" or her future "husbando" but i take it as a joke.

Generally, when someone tells you their sexual orientation (or, for that matter, their gender, their feelings, their life experiences, etc.), you should believe them. You should believe them because you have absolutely zero authority on the matter on which to base your contradicting opinion, and they are in fact the one and only authority on themselves.

 

And don't smile at amn. He's a troll at best and an oblivious simpleton spreading truly heinous and hateful ideas at worst.

[Flamman99999]

1 hour ago, katydidd said:

Generally, when someone tells you their sexual orientation (or, for that matter, their gender, their feelings, their life experiences, etc.), you should believe them. You should believe them because you have absolutely zero authority on the matter on which to base your contradicting opinion, and they are in fact the one and only authority on themselves.

 

And don't smile at amn. He's a troll at best and an oblivious simpleton spreading truly heinous and hateful ideas at worst.

While I do still reserve my doubts I have no say on the matter as you said and I take her word on it 100 percent until otherwise noted. What I meant to say is I wouldn't be surprised if she turned around and slapped me in the face by telling me she was lying to keep people at bay. while my statement may seem to contradict itself(cuz it kinda does), it is really hard to believe anyone or thing after being lied to so many times over. But going back to the original post,she is away for work related duties and I wont be able to see her untill she comes back from that....Even then she will be taking vacation back to her home town. I just want this feeling of despair and solitude to leave my heart...

[Guest]

5 hours ago, amn said:

You can't deny this. She could be a gold digger and use "asexuality" to give a hint to person to please her "other way". You not a man, you never experienced females gold diggers. I did. Loads of them. They intentionally tell like they have a lot in common to make you feel closer to them. Like oh yes, she is the one  Because you had such a strong reaction now I will have (myself) precautions to you too  

 

Why you think that she is honest? May be she is asexual. It doesn't exclude being gold digger. Trust is not obtained in short period of time. To me she do not afraid to reveal her self as being asexual. I would not reveal myself to person who potentially could discriminate me. Because he likes her you never know what such a person could do to force you. I would rather revel myself to person who don't have feelings to me, especially when this person could be my "manager" even temporary.

 

But she do not afraid of that. If she really would be opened about her asexuality he would find out this not from her but from someone else. My conclusion here that she is confident that she is protected from this guy, but she don't want unnecessary long explanations and love confessions. She wants to avoid all the serenades and brain washes and she can see that he is the one who is not brain washer (he is shy), but he can do serenades and all the kind of snotting.

 

From my experience there are such a people who makes you their "goal". Despite their gender, they will look for ways to have sex with you. Even you told them you are asexual. If she is beautiful she already knows that. I believe she experienced that unless she all her life lived in the forest.

 

My forecast is that if he will start express his feelings she will distantiate from him. If he will say to her, that he discovered that he is also asexual (like grey asexual, but he should not be specific, if she will asks, just say truth that he never had sex and don't have desire for sex too) and start showing her some signs that he has loads of money (expensive toys/headphones/cell phone/Rolex watch/expensive iwatch/expensive car (he can rent lamborgini or similar car for one day ) etc. you don't have to tell that), reach friends (tell stories how you were hanging out with them and other interesting things from reach people life), I have strong feeling that she will change her attitude to very positive, may be she will tell him that she actually is grey asexual or demisexual and she likes him so much. Anyway, I can see signs that she could be a gold digger.

 

 

Because she's not interested in him sexually, she MUST be a gold digger.. and if she was interested in him sexually then she must DEFINITELY be a gold digger.. Because she's a female.

 

Well as a female, I'd choose my partner (who is a "poor student") over any rich guy on the planet, no matter how much money said rich guy has, and I'm certainly not the only one who feels that way. The vast majority of us will take love over money any day.

[Flamman99999]

Guys can this not divert to the topic of gold digging or not. I'm almost 100 percent sure she is not a gold digger. While we both have jobs  now I will be quitting my job to become a student soon and thus will be unemployed. If she stops being my friend after that then well...

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Flamman99999 said:

Guys can this not divert to the topic of gold digging or not. I'm almost 100 percent sure she is not a gold digger. While we both have jobs  now I will be quitting my job to become a student soon and thus will be unemployed. If she stops being my friend after that then well...

It doesn't make a woman a gold digger just because she stops being your friend if you're unemployed. It's just kind of offensive (for the women commenting here especially) that this idea of her being a gold digger has even been brought up and you seem to not be upset, you're just like "I don't THINK she is, I'm almost 100% sure she's not, but hey, when I quit my job let's see what happens..." T_T

 

if you were rich, and she is pawning after you trying to get you to buy her things in exchange for sex and doesn't seem to care about your personality AT ALL, then yeah, she's probably a "gold digger" (only a small minority of people, men and women, behave that way). But it's the OPPOSITE. All she did was reveal she's asexual and suddenly it's like you're not sure she's not a gold digger, just because of what one guy said in this thread. So yeah, it's obviously upsetting for people. She's not automatically possibly a gold digger just because she's told you she's asexual or just because she's a female.

 

Could you happily have a long term sexless relationship with this woman, even after marriage? If not, then knowing she's asexual it would make it unfair to peruse her romantically at all. If you could be absolutely fine with no sexual contact, ever (even after marriage) then you could maybe mention your feelings to her next time you see her and see what she says.

 

But it's best to drop the whole  "I don't think she's a gold digger but hey let's see what happens if I lose my job" attitude T_T. She's not actively pursuing you just because you have a job, is she? She's told you she's asexual so you know she's not interested in sexual contact with you, not because she's only interested in the fact that you have a job (which makes so sense at all)

[Flamman99999]

You make it seem like I'm quitting my job just to see what her reaction to me is. I was once again just saying that if she  just turned her back on me I wouldn't be surprised.Tossing out over a year of friendship because I don't have a job seems suspicious(wouldn't that be the best time to be someones friend?)What I guess I meant was I wouldn't be surprised if she was a fake person who lies through life just to make it easier on her at the time and expense of others. But enough of that cuz like I said pretty sure she is not a gold digger. Im just taking EVERYONE'S word and seeing some worth in it.
Also is it really that hard to go a lifetime without sex? I'm getting the vibe that people see me as just trying to get married so I can have all the sex I want. As I said in a earlier post sex has never driven me to do anything in life. While I did initially find her physical features(Her short curly hair and blue eyes) attractive I become 5 times as attracted to her because of her intellect and personality.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

I'm a little disturbed by the doubts you seem to have of her. I don't think it's love for you but who am I to know. But all the doubts you have, and the fact that you will take amn's words to be as valuable as anyone else's when they are rude and seriously fucked, instead of just believing in her, is really offputting. It says to me you really don't know her very well. I also don't understand why you'd be worried now that she isn't ace....if she wasn't wouldn't that be good? It's all a little confusing to me. It may be best to back off or try to calm those feelings you have until you really know her AND trust her, over random people on the internet who don't know her at all.

 

As a woman, if someone I was with or could potentially be with was this willing to listen to everyone's opinion of me, rather than what I'm telling them....I dunno, it's not always black and white, but I think I'd have to cut you off. Immediately.

[Zsareph]

I'm kind and confused by you saying that you love and admire this woman, holding her in very high regard, but at the same time are worried about her lying to you and saying you wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to be 

On 09/12/2016 at 4:24 AM, Flamman99999 said:

a fake person who lies through life just to make it easier on her at the time and expense of others. 

I don't understand how you can think that she could easily be a horrible person but at the same time say you have a high opinion of her. It seems contradictory. That or you're saying she seems nice so far but you don't know her well enough to be sure, in which case perusing a romantic relationship isn't advisable.

[Flamman99999]

While I do hold her in very high regard It is like I said earlier where I have best friends whom I cant trust to a degree. I have had people who I thought were good people all out steal from me then lie to me about it being stolen. Pretty much what I am saying is if she was a liar I would not be surprised.You cannot truly know who anybody is no matter how much time you have known them. Like I said I have known her for a bit of time now and people commit to relationships with waaaaaay less time then I have known her and with waaaaay less information. I have worries just like anybody has about someone they care about. If she is ACE or not I still love her. If she one day came to me and said she lied out of fear of me being attracted to her then fine. If she doesn't, also fine. I am only taking everyones opinion because like I said I want to hear what everyone has to say. I dont know anything about what being an ACE is really(though I have been stalking around these forums for a few months now) to me they are just normal people whose bodies function a bit different. But still I appreciate all the response. I learning a lot and looking at this situation very different now. Though my heart is still aching, I am learning a bit.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Flamman99999 said:

While I do hold her in very high regard It is like I said earlier where I have best friends whom I cant trust to a degree. I have had people who I thought were good people all out steal from me then lie to me about it being stolen. Pretty much what I am saying is if she was a liar I would not be surprised.You cannot truly know who anybody is no matter how much time you have known them. Like I said I have known her for a bit of time now and people commit to relationships with waaaaaay less time then I have known her and with waaaaay less information. I have worries just like anybody has about someone they care about. If she is ACE or not I still love her. If she one day came to me and said she lied out of fear of me being attracted to her then fine. If she doesn't, also fine. I am only taking everyones opinion because like I said I want to hear what everyone has to say. I dont know anything about what being an ACE is really(though I have been stalking around these forums for a few months now) to me they are just normal people whose bodies function a bit different. But still I appreciate all the response. I learning a lot and looking at this situation very different now. Though my heart is still aching, I am learning a bit.

To truly love requires being vulnerable ( unfortunately). It means to not hold back and expose yourself. In return either you will know the joy of deep true love or you will know the heartbreak of being rejected. Either ways you would have lived an authentic life and you will be a richer/wiser man for it.