Not sure if I'm an asexual or not?

[pryan96]

Hi guys, this is my first post here.  I've been wondering for the past few months if I'm an asexual.  I'm male, 20, and I've never been in a relationship before.  The reason why I'm not entirely sure is because I seem to have physical attraction to attractive women, but no desire to have sexual intercourse with them.   At the same time though, I do masturbate when I think of physically touching them in non-genetilla parts, but I never think of having sex with them.  It basically seems like I'm a heterosexual who just lacks the desire to have sex...  Could someone try to help me figure out if I'm an asexual or not?  Thanks in advance.

[Ayu]

As it's custom around here, I can't tell you if you are or not asexual, because at the end it is up to you to label yourself as whatever you feel comfortable with.

 

Going purely by definition, though, asexual is somebody who feels no desire to have sex. Since you don't want to have sex, then you fit in that description. Libido/sex drive, however, is different and separate from sexuality itself (as it is merely a biological response), so masturbating because you like the feeling of orgasming doesn't invalidate the fact that you're asexual and don't care about sex.

 

What you say about "physically touching them in non-genitalia parts" reminds of sensuality, though, which is different from sexuality. I'm not too knowledgeable about this so I won't try to explain you the distinction, but perhaps you might identify as an asexual heterosensual?

[Star Bit]

On 12/4/2016 at 1:57 PM, pryan96 said:

I'm male, 20, and I've never been in a relationship before.

 

The reason why I'm not entirely sure is because I seem to have physical attraction to attractive women, but no desire to have sexual intercourse with them.

 

At the same time though, I do masturbate when I think of physically touching them in non-genetilla parts, but I never think of having sex with them.

 

It basically seems like I'm a heterosexual who just lacks the desire to have sex...

So you've never made out with anyone/had foreplay? If so, you may end up having responsive sexual desire (where arousal or foreplay is required to trigger the desire for sex) like a majority of women and a minority of men have. If you have, has it been with someone you had a crush on or trusted? If not then that may have been a prerequisite for you and you may end up having responsive sexual desire once those needs are met.

 

Physical attraction is an inaccurate word because it can be used to refer to 3 different types of attraction; sexual, sensual, and aesthetic (though its normally used as the first). So I'm not sure in what way you're using it. Sexual arousal is not physical or sexual attraction though.

 

So you desire to touch these women sexually, just not in the genitals? If so, its even more likely that you'd end up having responsive sexual desire. But if not then you may just desire "secondary sex"  (not an actual practiced term but it explains what i need it to; something that is borderline sex/can be considered sex because it is partnered genital stimulation, just not directly so). In which case Quasisexual could work to describe people who desire this. That is to say, it sounds like you desire partnered arousal with women, perhaps with the desire to masturbate during.

 

If someone lacks the desire to have sex they're not heterosexual; the very meaning of the word; hetero is for who and sexual is for sex. But if you do desire secondary sex then it still counts and would go "Quasi-heterosexual".

[pryan96]

17 hours ago, Star Bit said:

If someone lacks the desire to have sex they're not heterosexual; the very meaning of the word; hetero is for who and sexual is for sex. But if you do desire secondary sex then it still counts and would go "Quasi-heterosexual".

 

I've actually never heard of quasisexual before your post.  I've never had foreplay with anyone, but at the same time, I don't feel like I'm missing out of anything important and feel that masturbation is enough to satisfy me.  I've never felt a need to have sex with anyone I've meet.   Based off of what I told you on my first past, is it likely that I'm just experiencing sexual arousal without sexual attraction?  I'm kind of new to all of this, so I'm not an expert on sexuality.

 

I consider myself to be an aromatic.  I've had a few squishes, but I've never had one that I desired a sexual relationship with.

[Star Bit]

As i said, Quasisexual isn't an actual practiced term yet, but it also wan't known until relatively recently that there are people who dont desire sex but do desire "secondary sex". So some kind of term is needed because these people wouldn't be asexual nor Gray-asexual or Gray-sexual because that pertains to abnormal sex-drive not how someone prefers to have sex; which would be a normal sexual person but this isn't quite normal allosexual because depending on someone's stance they may or may not consider these things sex.

 

(this is skipable, I'm just talking about this gray area of sex) For example, if someone desires to simultaneously masturbate with a partner or masturbate with them present is it sex? If so, if you two end up masturbating at the same time while not knowing; like in the same bed at night, is it sex? So you can have sex without knowing? Is it only sex when they intend to do so at the same time? Is it only sex when they want to repeatedly do so? Another is making out; if someone wants to make out with the purpose of arousal or orgasming is it sex? But then if you just end up getting aroused by it but dont desire the arousal is it not sex? Making out isn't sex-- or is it??  So gray! But basically, if someone wants partnered stimulation (direct or indirect) it's sex.

 

But then they're kind of 'asexual where it counts'/effectively ace because they dont exactly desire sex. By that i mean that some people who dont desire sex/identify as ace can have fetishes that are rather sexual; like a licking fetish or a breast/pec fetish, but they dont desire them for sexual reasons so its not sex, yet once it is desired for sexual reasons it is sex, so the difference between secondary sex and a borderline fetish is the reason behind it not the action; so it's kind of in the same boat with "secondary sex". But normal sex isn't like that; whether you reciprocate sexual desire or not it's still sex. But then some things do depend on contexts; for example alot of people view the infantile fetish and BDSM sexually, yet if it's not desired for sexual reasons then its not a sexual fetish for that person. The same goes for other daily norm actions; someone can go 'did you touch my shoulder in a sexual advance?' and they go 'no, i just did so for X reason', or 'was that a sportsman slap on the ass or did you sexually assault me?' (some people with these fetishes desired for non-sexual reasons go by Gray-asexual but this doesnt apply to people who desire them for sexual reasons because its effectively sex) So basically if someone desires to make out for arousal it's sex and if not then it's not sex; which i can see some people getting upset about because it's the same action yet one gets to go by asexual/Gray-asexual and the other doesnt. And there can't be selective acceptance on that matter (saying one type of secondary sex is sex and another isn't) because there are many types of secondary sex and it would still be excluding people.

 

So by physical attraction you actually meant sexual arousal? (which isn't attraction) Then correct; arousal without sexual attraction (the mental impulse to have sex with someone specific) is possible, but as said, if secondary sex is desired then that's not asexual.

 

On the aromantic matter, romantic attraction widely differs; it's an emotion, so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc. And others may feel it light enough (compared to the norm) that there is no clear line between crushes and wanting emotional closeness  Not to mention that a squish should be gone once the desired bond is reached, so if it doesn't then it could actually be a crush.