Possibly Demi? rant about heartbreak and relationships

[Damask]

Hey so I joined two years ago and barely posted. But I've kind of have been kicked into high gear recently in trying to get my life together so I came back!

 

Recently I've been researching sexuality more, and I think I may be more demi-sexual/romantic?  But I also think I might be bi as well. I've had romantic feelings for both men and women, but it's very rare that I have feelings for anyone at all.  It's very rare that I feel sexual attraction to anyone at all.  Most people do nothing for me. This does not mean I have never felt attraction to anyone at all before.  It does happen sometimes; just not often. And only if I have a connection with them.  I don't even just see random people in the street or on TV and get turned on.

 

To complicate this, I have a hard time forging relationships with people, both romantic and platonic.  I am on medication for anxiety and I question if that took whatever little bit of sex drive I may have had and pushed it even further down. But I still have romantic feelings for people.  I still fall in love.  I still long to have a partner in life.

 

In fact, I have been battling heartbreak the past few months. I fell in love with someone and I messed it up. My anxiety got in the way.  I feel like this always happens.  I tend to either push or frighten away the people I do want, but then I try to force myself to make it work with people who are okay enough but I don't really want to be with.  I'm just so sick of being alone and single.  I've spent the majority of my life being single. It's embarrassing. It makes me feel pathetic.  I hear people say things like, "If someone isn't married by a certain age you just know something is wrong with them."  Blah

 

But I digress.  My main thing though, is that I'm lonely.  I am incredibly lonely.  I actually feel quite touch-starved sometimes.  I want someone to hold and to hug.  I have a hard time doing more than that out of fear and anxiety even when I find someone I am attracted to.  I just want someone I can snuggle with on the couch, you know?  I want someone to hold hands with.

 

I fell in love with a man who is involved in a polyamorous relationship. I loved him years ago before he even became involved in it but I never told him how I felt.  We reconnected last winter and the past year has been a whirlwind ride of emotions for me.  I don't really want to go into detail but for a while there I thought we had something, and I was totally willing to give the poly thing a go.  Why?  Because I know it will be a long time before I find someone like him that I love and actually have a desire to be with.  But even though he doesn't have to be monogamous he decided he doesn't want me in that way despite previous actions. 

 

Even though he has another girl he can see more often he still doesn't want me, too.

 

I wish I had the ability to form strong connections with everyone I meet.  I wish I could feel attracted to a wider range of people.  Like I said, it isn't often but I feel a desire for anyone, but I fell like whenever I do they never want me.

 

I just feel like I can't make it work with anyone.  Like I said, I've tried to force myself to be with men who do show and interest i me, but try as I might I just can't bring myself to actually want them.  I am unsure how my family would react to me being bi, but the two times since highschool (I'm 32) that I've fallen in love with a woman they have been straight/engaged/etc.

 

I guess I am just unsure what to do.  It's hard that I don't feel attraction to hardly anyone, then on the rare occasion I do my anxiety gets in the way. 

 

I promise I'm not this whiney IRL.  I have learned how to fake it and feign maturity over the years. haha

[WintyFree]

I'm new to the forum and I just found this really intresting. Anyways, I'm 18, straight and Demisexual asf and have crippling anxiety. I've only ever had two crushes in my entire life and they were both on close friends who I've known for more than a few years. I've only recently came to an epiphany and realized my orientation after a recent few weeks of nervous, uncomfortable, dissappointing and just down right moody situations I slowly landed myself into with a close friend of mine. This girl that I'm going to be referring to is the second and most recent, technically I'd count her as the first since the other was when I was in elementary. Anyways, I really liked her, thought about her all the time, and was just head over heels. I tried twice to tell her but she just couldn't. We're open with one another and I say she couldn't, due to the fact that she's aromantic and asexual. She was concerned about the long term as I am a senior in high school, her being a junior, and the simple fact that she couldn't and never has been attracted romantically to anyone ever. She told me she didn't want a one sided relationship and after two attempts and a whole lot of heart brake I slowly moved on and am still trying to. At first she considered it and thought about the whole idea of an "us", but what happened, happened. The fault was on me, I knew from the beginning of our friendship that she was aro, but I was stubborn and of course, in love. Crying, getting incredibly high, and spending a lot of time with friends, served as a good way to move on or at least help the healing process. At this moment in time, I can say that I am deeply concerned about demisexuality, a little hurt by being kinda sorta rejected in a sense, and scared of the fact that due to my orientation I expect many fractured potential friendships (failures) or a potential lack of people (let's not kid ourselves, I mean friends, cuz let's be real, we're demisexual s). I write this because I can sympathize and it's currently the crisis on my mind, I don't have any comforting words other that problems are temporary. I'm worried about time since I feel like I won't have much soon, what with college and an overbearing family. The whole close emotional bond first thing concerns me a lot but at the same time, I rather be comfortable with myself than rush into anything. Don't make compromises and don't be afraid of what your family would say. Me personally, I couldn't care what my family would say, there's cultural and religious differences between us anyways and I could care less about their views about orientations. I thought your topic was intresting, I found it relatable in a way,  and even though I'm young with very little advice, at least you know that you aren't alone. People aren't met for no reason, they are either a lesson or a blessing and the right person will and can come around. It's only a matter of time.