Normal? TW: talk of masturbation and sex, long post

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

Sooooo, during my therapist appt this week, I brought up how I don't feel connected to my chest. (I also posted a little bit about this in the Different Dysphorias section.) I just don't feel like it's mine. 

 

My therapist said, "You'll probably grow into it, unless you have serious dysmorphia- then we'll talk." 

 

Then she started asking me if I masturbated. I don't, so we talked about that. She asked if I wanted to touch girls, and I said I didn't know. She told me it was "kind of the natural progression of things", to like people and then want to touch them.

 

Eventually, towards the end of the conversation, she said: "How are you going to make someone feel good if you don't know how to?" And then she said: "We're both women, we should be able to talk about sex!"

 

for the entire conversation, I felt uncomfortable and I was visibly blushing. I didn't feel like I could speak up, and I thought she would be able to tell that I was uncomfortable. (I get that I have communication issues.) But no such luck. 

 

I don't know what my sexuality is. I think (know?) I've experienced sexual attraction at least once, so I'm not totally ace. But I can't really picture how to have sex, and I feel really gross if I think about it. At times it feels like that is something I might want to do, but I don't feel like that all the time.

The last time my parents talked to me about sex was approximately eight years ago, so it's been a while. 

 

Also, when my therapist said we were both women- we're not. I identify as nonbinary and possibly transmasculine. 

 

I started making a zine about this, title: "You may also like… sex", and my mom told me "not to show it to [my brother]". That was all she said about it. I meant to talk to her about it when he wasn't around, but I felt sick (my blood sugar numbers were high). 

 

I don't think i'm sex repulsed, but I feel dirty and ashamed when I think about it. I also feel ashamed that I couldn't even speak up to tell my therapist to stop. 

 

I don't know how I'm going to broach the topic with my mom. Maybe I'll just tell her to read the zine and explain that I feel uncomfortable about it. 

At this point, I'm almost definitely switching therapists. I have to talk to my therapist about that too.

 

ugh. I wish I had a better solution, or that I felt more comfortable. 

[borkfork]

It's pretty easy for me to talk to every day people about sex, though my personal details are more privileged information. However, talking to a doctor or professional is a different situation. It does take some time to get comfortable with it, and if you're not at least sex-indifferent that would make it just much more difficult for you.

 

Your therapist sounds downright antagonistic with the "we're both women" remark. I hope the next one is better at easing you into the subject. There's quite a few resources if you Google "LGBT friendly therapists." I also recommend Kink Aware Professionals since they usually overlap.

[dissolved]

If it's any consolation my therapist repeatedly tries to get me to talk about sex, and I hate it. The first (and only) time I managed to talk about it, she got very personal and intrusive. I now change the subject if I feel she's trying to wangle sex stories out of me. Can't help but think she gets a kick out of it!

 

Anyway, being trans etc makes sex awkward. I've never spoken to anyone who wasn't at least questioning that didn't have some kind of weirdness about sex. I mean, if your body doesn't accurately reflect your mind, why would you want to share it with someone, right?

[butterflydreams]

On 12/8/2016 at 5:34 AM, dissolved said:

Anyway, being trans etc makes sex awkward. I've never spoken to anyone who wasn't at least questioning that didn't have some kind of weirdness about sex. I mean, if your body doesn't accurately reflect your mind, why would you want to share it with someone, right?

Understatement of the decade right here.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

I feel like I don't ever want to talk to her about this again. I just want to quietly switch therapists or discontinue therapy altogether, and simply never bring it up to her. 

 

While she did recommend other therapists to me, they... um, didn't seem like my kind of therapist. Two out of the three are sex therapists (I'm guessing sex as in sexual, not sex as in sex/gender?), and the third one works with old people.

 

i did talk to my mom about it, and she seemed just as uncomfortable and surprised as I was. She suggested that I email my therapist about the whole thing, but I haven't worked up the nerve for that yet.

 

In the meantime, I'm out of the country right now, so I will have not seen her for about two weeks by the time I get back. 

 

I just feel so uncomfortable and gross every time I think about it. That hasn't changed.

 

 I'm also questioning how sexual I am. Partially because of this whole thing, but also because I think I like someone I wouldn't have thought I would like. I'm not 100% ace, but I don't know how sexual I am, either.

 

thanks for commenting, everyone. That does make sense. I suppose I'll keep thinking about what to do. I'll post again if I come up with a good solution.

[dissolved]

The trouble is if you switch therapists without telling her how horrible she made you feel, she'll think it's ok to do it again. If you don't want to physically speak to her, I'd at least write her a note or email or something. Don't make it seem like it's a complaint (unless of course that's what you want, and I don't blame you if you do), but just a reminder that there are boundaries, even in therapy. 

 

Re: not knowing your sexuality. There's plenty of time. I've hit 30 now and I'm only just figuring stuff out. There are far more important things for you to focus on. Your sexuality is just a tiny aspect of you, and the word you may or may not find to describe it is merely to simplify compatibility in the relationships you have with people, nothing more.