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Absolute lack of interest in preagnancy/maternity.


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Maybe someone else already came up with this subject, but i couldn't find it, so, here it goes.

Since i was very young i was never interested in the idea of havings kids.

Everytime girls say they would love to have kids, i say i dont, people mistake me as evil.

I am not, i mean i would rather dedicate time saving abandoned animals and taking care and love of them as my pets, than to remotelly have children.

To me means nothing. But just as simple as that...to me.

My maternity instinct is non-existant. I feel nothing when i see mothers with babies.

I mean, i respect them, but i feel repulsed about the idea of having one.

Actually if someone approaches a baby to me, or put him/her in my lap doing those tiny gestures or whatever, its very unconfortable...it is like damn, nope.

I am not a sociopath. Actually i can play with older kids from family, ( play hide and seek, catch run, footbal, sports) BUT ONLY in a way i am ONE of them, because a part of me is still a child at heart (or some sort of Peter Pan Syndrom lets say).

I am indiferent to preagnant women or whatever it does not bother me because its them. But the idea of having a human growing inside me (to make it worse it happens after sex which is something i obviously dont need and dont want as well) makes me a little sick. It is like...please, its ok, its your take it, but not to me...nope, nope.

I dont mean to offend anyone, sorry in advance. How can i explain this to people without being misjudged? Did anybody else feel like this around here?

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Kids are a big NOPE to me. I can't handle them and I certainly don't want any, neither biologically produced or adopted/fostered. I haven't heard a reasonable explanation as to why someone wants to have children. I can explain why I don't want any, they usually can't so that's a plus for me :biggrin:

 

It's really difficult to get that point across without being considered "evil" or "a sociopath". Try to keep in mind that it is THEIR choice to react like that, it's nothing you have an influence on. I take it that the two "parties" in this are fundamentally opposed... you don't get what's so special or wonderful about it and they don't get that you don't get it, because it's obvious to them.

 

I try to come up with reasons. That's blunt but it's really helpful since most people don't approach the issue that way. A lot of people only seem to want to have some small talk about some baby related stories and "oh look how cute", they're not up for anything serious so they don't bother to elaborate. It works for me, at least.

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I found kids are OK but pregnancy is horrible.   At least when I had my kids we wore clothes to try to conceal our pregnancies, but now it seems that you have to do a big display, with a gap between top clothes and bottom clothes so everyone can view the skin-stretched-over-a-beach-ball.  And they walk around holding the beach ball up with their hands.   Yuck.  

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Janus the Fox

I've never had a maternal/paternal interest in the care of another child.  Nor would I be able to legally gain responsibility due to circumstances regarding being within the care system and holding my current mental/neurological diagnosis myself.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I have no interest in human offspring, all my 'maternal' instincts have channelled into cars and pets. I hate having reproductive organs and if it wasn't a risk I'd have them removed immediately, but alas, I'm not at the point where I'd risk my life over it.

 

Sod other people; if they think you're selfish or evil for not reproducing on an unfair, violent and overpopulated planet then that tells you more about them than you.

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Hermit Advocate

Kids are alright for about 5 minutes, after that I don't know what to do with them. Babies are just gross. I could never imagine actually being pregnant and giving birth to my own spawn. If I could get rid my uterus without surgery I would do it. The idea of being pregnant, not to mention having to raise a kid for 18+ years, is utterly revolting to me personally. 

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It's pretty remarkable how some people get about not having kids...its a personal choice! Reading through the OP, I was thinking "who reacts like that? No one calls you evil or a sociopath!" And then I remembered that...oh wait, yes, yes they do. I've had it happen to me. It just seems so ridiculously nonsensical that I forgot it happened. I don't understand why some people get so worked up about it...even moreso than not wanting sex sometimes! Its very silly.

 

I don't want kids. I have NEVER wanted kids. I used to say 'if I ever want them, I'll adopt...but no younger than eight'. But I don't want them. I have no idea why people get so weird about that. I'm doing the world a favor! We're overpopulated as is!

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To be honest, your post sounds exactly how I feel about idea of having children or pregnancy . I dont want any of that and even feel more like one of them then possible parent.

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I'm kind of similar in that I have absolutely zero maternal instinct and have always been repulsed by the idea of pregnancy.  I love children once they reach the age of about five-ish, but babies have never really been my things.  I always feel like I'm going to drop the baby or somehow do something wrong, so it's really stressful for me to hold my baby cousins.  Plus babies seem kind of boring after a while, because you always have to be super careful with them, and can't play with them as much as you can with the older kids. I can't even imagine having a baby of my own and having to deal with that 24/7.  

 

Even as young as  ten, I told everyone that if I ever had kids, I'd adopt someone that was at least toddler-age.  Everyone always told me my feelings would change when I got older, but now I'm in my 20's and still feel no desire to have kids of my own.  I don't think that makes me a bad or selfish person, it's just the way that I am.  If anything, it would probably be more hateful to bring a child into the world that I didn't really like because of pressure to reproduce.

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I find it strange that people think it's another person's duty to bring other people into this world. If people say you're a psychopath for not wanting kids that says more about them than it does about you. I'm sort of the odd one out in this thread so far because I actually do like young children and babies, I find them ridiculously adorable and I love their smiles(of course that can go not as much when they're whiny) Still, I don't need to have one. 

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On 03/12/2016 at 0:53 AM, CBC said:

(Warning: Contains talk of self-harm, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts.)

 

I have a major pregnancy and childbirth phobia/repulsion (apparently this has a name: tokophobia), so I can relate. The idea of reproducing really really disgusts me. Having a reproductive system at all disgusts me. A long time ago I halfheartedly researched elective hysterectomies because I wish I could get one, get rid of everything from my body that's involved in reproducing even if I'm never going to, uh, make use of it... but I'm not a good person for non-essential surgeries because I'm in poor health (I don't even know if a doctor would do it unless there was a good medical reason; something tells me probably not).

 

And after saying all that... I've actually been pregnant a little over five years ago. Unplanned. I had an abortion. In the nine weeks before the procedure, I felt absolutely repulsive, more than I'd ever felt before in my life. (And I'm no stranger to that feeling; I've felt it pretty much every day since I was a pre-teen. I've struggled with a severe eating disorder for about 17 years now as a result.) The thing inside me made me want to destroy myself, tear myself apart, rip it out of me. I felt utterly filthy and... violated? That's the best description I can think of. I had a lot of suicidal and self-destructive thoughts in that time period.

 

Actually the repulsion over reproductive stuff was one reason behind the eating disorder in the first place. I remember feeling horrified and ashamed and like I was "ruined" somehow when I got my period at 13. Starving myself made it go away for over seven years (age 16 to 23), which was a great relief to me, but that also resulted in severe osteoporosis (which is caused primarily by a loss of oestrogen, although lacking things like calcium and vitamin D doesn't help either).

 

But yeah, something growing inside me is just a massive NOPE for me.

 

Its sad that you had to go through all that. It maust have been no words to describe the despair. I understand i feel myself sick and repulsive just to imagine something growing inside of me, like an alien. What you described was exactelly how i would have felt towards it if it happened to me.

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19 hours ago, deltaX said:

I'm kind of similar in that I have absolutely zero maternal instinct and have always been repulsed by the idea of pregnancy.  I love children once they reach the age of about five-ish, but babies have never really been my things.  I always feel like I'm going to drop the baby or somehow do something wrong, so it's really stressful for me to hold my baby cousins.  Plus babies seem kind of boring after a while, because you always have to be super careful with them, and can't play with them as much as you can with the older kids. I can't even imagine having a baby of my own and having to deal with that 24/7.  

 

Even as young as  ten, I told everyone that if I ever had kids, I'd adopt someone that was at least toddler-age.  Everyone always told me my feelings would change when I got older, but now I'm in my 20's and still feel no desire to have kids of my own.  I don't think that makes me a bad or selfish person, it's just the way that I am.  If anything, it would probably be more hateful to bring a child into the world that I didn't really like because of pressure to reproduce.

 

Yes babies bother me too, its like, the baby talk and all that thing is very annoying to me, i cannot even imagine to have to do it 24/7, i would rather die. I am sure that thousands of women who hated pregnancy and did not wanted to have kids but had such pressure from society, culture etc that the kids they have are probably hated and despised because of that.

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On 03/12/2016 at 2:18 AM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I have no interest in human offspring, all my 'maternal' instincts have channelled into cars and pets. I hate having reproductive organs and if it wasn't a risk I'd have them removed immediately, but alas, I'm not at the point where I'd risk my life over it.

 

Sod other people; if they think you're selfish or evil for not reproducing on an unfair, violent and overpopulated planet then that tells you more about them than you.

I would also take away my reproductive organs, just the fact they are there is annoying and pointless. I would be happy to flatten somehow my female shapes (not look like a man, but look like agender), i hate how the womanly shapes are so immediatelly connected to sex and offspring, eww. I know that people who get schocked or mad over my repulse towards pregnancy and maternity they are the ones who are wrong. But it p*sses me off to deal with them anyway, those frown faces or wide eyes when i tell "i Dont want kids" i dont care if they dont understand, what annoys me to the max is when they start "but, why?" "But, but, but" ...so irritating.

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32 minutes ago, Sibemarie said:

 

Yes babies bother me too, its like, the baby talk and all that thing is very annoying to me, i cannot even imagine to have to do it 24/7, i would rather die. I am sure that thousands of women who hated pregnancy and did not wanted to have kids but had such pressure from society, culture etc that the kids they have are probably hated and despised because of that.

I agree that I never really understood the point of baby talk- It felts kind of annoying, and I always feel stupid doing it.  I usually just talk to babies as if they were young children instead, but then all the adults around me tend to think I'm nuts. 

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On 03/12/2016 at 6:28 AM, Scottthespy said:

It's pretty remarkable how some people get about not having kids...its a personal choice! Reading through the OP, I was thinking "who reacts like that? No one calls you evil or a sociopath!" And then I remembered that...oh wait, yes, yes they do. I've had it happen to me. It just seems so ridiculously nonsensical that I forgot it happened. I don't understand why some people get so worked up about it...even moreso than not wanting sex sometimes! Its very silly.

 

I don't want kids. I have NEVER wanted kids. I used to say 'if I ever want them, I'll adopt...but no younger than eight'. But I don't want them. I have no idea why people get so weird about that. I'm doing the world a favor! We're overpopulated as is!

Well they actually do. People here in portugal are still very narrow minded. They have it so deeep carved in their minds that if you say that you are seen as selfish and mean, like "You dont like people? You dont like children? You must be very cold and frustrated" oh yes i've heard it. Sometimes i just can't believe people are still this dumb in the so called "modern world"

And also, there is a lot of other loving things you can do to make world a better place. I use to say i would love to have farm in the countryside, or at least a small house with a yard to save some animals from local shelter, cats, dogs, or go and plant native trees and rebuilt nature. Unfortunatelly i am ging poorer and poorer and i only stay at family or friends house or work abroad and live with sort money and i can only dream of a farm...But for sure if i had it, there is much more useful things to do than to put more people in this world. But no no, people prefer to overpopulate the Earth and let animals die and nature be destroyed to consume....and i'm the bad one, really?  :(

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On 04/12/2016 at 1:34 AM, m4rble said:

I find it strange that people think it's another person's duty to bring other people into this world. If people say you're a psychopath for not wanting kids that says more about them than it does about you. I'm sort of the odd one out in this thread so far because I actually do like young children and babies, I find them ridiculously adorable and I love their smiles(of course that can go not as much when they're whiny) Still, I don't need to have one. 

 

 

I agrre it says more about them than about myself. They are judging a human on the basis of one specific characteristic. Which is wrong after all. I am kind of odd as well because i can actually play with older children but strangelly i feel at the same age-level, like i am literally one of them, and i am living again my childhood for a couple of hours. I can be as jumpy and silly as them. But when it comes to any kind of motherly feelings, nope, absolutelly not. Strangely at cousins parties, the kids tend to search me for playing hide and seek and whatever games, because of that: i act like one of them. But even then after a while i get tired mentally - and this only happens if i am in the mood to play. If im not, just...dont! And the idea of having one is completelly a NOPE.

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No way, I'm not actually alone thanks for posting this. Me neither I always thought it was because of the following reasons.

  • Because I am kinda agender
  • Because I have mild Aspergers
  • Or maybe because I am asexual and combine sensual stuff with children 

Although I don't see how the last one could be true because I'm not interested in other peoples children or adopting children or anything to do with children personally I think the idea of me having a baby is gross and abhorrent. Now animals and pets yep I even thought one day I could set up a lil rescue place for hedgehogs etc.... :happy: 

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CottonCandiFloofs

Don't you just love how people will tell you every reason their pregnancy was a living hell then when you agree and say that it sounds like a living hell they give you the whole spiel of "No it was a beautiful experience!". I don't care what you say about pregnancy to convince me otherwise it's clearly torture, and for what, some screaming brat to take care of? On top of that in order to just have the possibility of a child you have to deal with a period? Great more needless pain for a "reward" that will only cause even more pain. That sounds like a great deal. Another thing, why do people (especially parents) always react so strongly when you say you never want kids? They always say something like "You mean I'll never get to be a grandparent?". Even if I did want a kid it'd be mine not just an excuse for you to have a fancy new title. They also like to try to convince you of how "beautiful" having children is as if I it'll somehow magically change my mind. The thing that gets me the most is when they completely discredit you for feeling that way. Oh you'll understand when you're older, or you may think that now but someday you'll find a man and you'll want nothing more than to start a beautiful family with them! No I won't. You'll never be a grandma, there will never be a magical man to change my mind, and I'll live alone with as many pets and as few kids as I want thank you very much.

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18 hours ago, AspieAce said:

No way, I'm not actually alone thanks for posting this. Me neither I always thought it was because of the following reasons.

  • Because I am kinda agender
  • Because I have mild Aspergers
  • Or maybe because I am asexual and combine sensual stuff with children 

Although I don't see how the last one could be true because I'm not interested in other peoples children or adopting children or anything to do with children personally I think the idea of me having a baby is gross and abhorrent. Now animals and pets yep I even thought one day I could set up a lil rescue place for hedgehogs etc.... ^_^ 

 

Thank you as well for the comment. I wanted to do something like that as well, here in Portugal we have a lot of abandoned animals, so much to do, so much animals in need, i wish i could have my own little farm with a humble house, and take care of abandoned animals in need, in the countryside but its damn expensive and no jobs over there, no support from the state :( Anyway i already gave food or some money to animal shelters. I hope you can set up your own rescue place for animals! :) 

 

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10 hours ago, CottonCandiFloofs said:

Don't you just love how people will tell you every reason their pregnancy was a living hell then when you agree and say that it sounds like a living hell they give you the whole spiel of "No it was a beautiful experience!". I don't care what you say about pregnancy to convince me otherwise it's clearly torture, and for what, some screaming brat to take care of? On top of that in order to just have the possibility of a child you have to deal with a period? Great more needless pain for a "reward" that will only cause even more pain. That sounds like a great deal. Another thing, why do people (especially parents) always react so strongly when you say you never want kids? They always say something like "You mean I'll never get to be a grandparent?". Even if I did want a kid it'd be mine not just an excuse for you to have a fancy new title. They also like to try to convince you of how "beautiful" having children is as if I it'll somehow magically change my mind. The thing that gets me the most is when they completely discredit you for feeling that way. Oh you'll understand when you're older, or you may think that now but someday you'll find a man and you'll want nothing more than to start a beautiful family with them! No I won't. You'll never be a grandma, there will never be a magical man to change my mind, and I'll live alone with as many pets and as few kids as I want thank you very much.

 

People always think others will change their minds one day. Parents can be really selfish pressuring their sons and daughters to have kids so they can be grandparents. They seem to dont realise how selfish and intrusive they are getting into their children's lives and options. Fortunatelly my brother has 2 kids so i got rid of that from my parents, since they have been grandparents for a while. Sometimes we know that we don't want get married or kids since we are very young. I am on my 30's, and i knew it since i was a teen. People used to say "one day you'll change your mind" and i said "never". And it happened, i never changed my mind, i will never have kids or marry. Interesting is, one of my friends, she's a common sexual person she does not want kids, and she's on her 40's but she looks younger, and once someone told her she will change her mind. She start laughing at the person and said "Look, i never wanted kids, i never will, i am 41 years old...do you really think i'll change my mind now? Give me a break!"

I am asexual, i dont want sex, neither marriage or kids, i have a special friend, this guy which is my soulmate but NOT boyfriend or whatever. We would like to have a farm with animals and rescue pets, but we're kinda poor. But i know a couple who does not want to have kids and they have been together for more than 10 years, and they want to dedicate their life to their dogs, cats, horses, music and art. Total respect!

Pregnancy seems also disgusting, despite people say the opposite. They are enthusiastic for their small creature but the fact is from what i hear that bloated body give horrible disconfort and pain, and in my oppinion the so called pregnancy "glow" is in fact excess of fat and sweat from carrying their beach balls weight around. It is alll "romantized" by the western culture but in fact must be torture, specially in the last months. Ewww, never ever ever!

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I love kids and babies, but I don't think I have the energy (I'm very lazy).  I don't mind the idea of adopting one day way into the future.  But being pregnant is inconceivable.   I finally had to put it into words for my mother to understand.  (she is very supportive, but in some ways is the opposite of me, she classifies herself as hyper-sexual and loved being pregnant)  I finally explained that they idea of being pregnant made me want to stab myself (in the uterus).

I then have a baby-obsessed aunt who really wants grandchildren any way she can get them....  Which includes slight pressuring on her daughter (one of whom identifies as demisexual) and on me. 

Whenever I even talk about having kids, I always make sure to say "when I adopt one day".  Problem is: my aunt and mom kinda want  them now.... I'm 24, I am no where near to wanting kids mentally or financially.....   But then I remember, that by my age, mom was already on her second marriage.... and had my brother by age 26 and then me at age 30.....

 

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UrbanPrimitive
On 12/2/2016 at 7:08 PM, Sibemarie said:

 . . . How can i explain this to people without being misjudged? . . .

Unfortunately, it is very likely this is a non-starter. In my experience (as a cis gendered man, which changes a lot about this conversation) trying to explain that I have no desire to parent left most people confused and wary or self satisfied in the smug belief that I'd change to be more like them. The latter did not occur, not even when presented with a surprise pregnancy with my partner, not when my son was born, nor when he was placed with a loving adoptive family. I see the kiddo quite regularly and still have absolutely no desire to parent.

 

I think for many people the desire to parent goes unexamined in a fashion similar to the desire to orgasm. It is so constant a companion that is it near impossible to recognize. There's a parable that explains this phenomenon:

 

Two fish are swimming in the ocean. They see an older fish swimming in the opposite direction, heading toward them. As he passes the two young fish, the elder says "keep swimming boys, the water's fine today!". One of the youngsters looks to his friend and asks "what the hell is water?"

 

In not wanting to parent, not wanting sex, or not wanting romance we are, on some level, going the next step beyond commenting on the water and saying "fuck water! I'm gonna go climb a tree" to a school of fish. Not only are we pointing out the assumption that is so engrained as to be entirely ignored, we are flatly rejecting it. I believe the reason people respond to this with calling us evil is because they don't have the cognitive flexibility to make room for humans whose internal experience is vastly different from their own. So the only outcome is that we must be heartless monsters. At least, that's the lazy answer. That's the answer that doesn't make them ask whether they actually wanted all the stuff they assumed was part and parcel with being an adult.

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3 hours ago, UrbanPrimitive said:

(...)In not wanting to parent, not wanting sex, or not wanting romance we are, on some level, going the next step beyond commenting on the water and saying "fuck water! I'm gonna go climb a tree" to a school of fish. Not only are we pointing out the assumption that is so engrained as to be entirely ignored, we are flatly rejecting it. I believe the reason people respond to this with calling us evil is because they don't have the cognitive flexibility to make room for humans whose internal experience is vastly different from their own. So the only outcome is that we must be heartless monsters. At least, that's the lazy answer. That's the answer that doesn't make them ask whether they actually wanted all the stuff they assumed was part and parcel with being an adult.

  I totally agree with you. it is just similar to when i say to my family that i take mountaineering and music very seriously, they always understimate me saying "But you are not a professional mountaineer! You are not a professional musician! You should not take that seriously, you are a seasonal hotel worker, thats your job now" This p*ss me off like hell, because mountain and music are my passions BUT people dont have usually room to understand that a passion is as genuine and serious as a job. Here we arrive to the same point. People dont have that cognitive flexibility to understand the diversity and complexity of human experience, specially if it is apart from the common standards. Or at least ACCEPT that it exists and deal with it. The metaphor you came up with is very good for this, and it is for sure the next level, but for narrow minded people it will take forever and massive efforts to break down those dogmas they have in their so-called "adult/mature understanding of the world". I actually think a lot of people who have kids nowadays is to live somehow on a safe shell of "social confort", like they follow a predictable path even though sometimes its definetelly not what they wanted as youngsters.

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I'm well past childbearing age, and know a fair number of people who chose not to become parents, so it's been a while since I've dealt with this issue. But when I was younger, my mother in particular was frequently on my case about wanting grandchildren, and the best I could ever manage with her was to change the subject, say she'd be the first to know if there were ever developments on that front, and otherwise derail the line of conversation. I learned not to tell her about any friend's pregnancy, because she'd invariably respond that she wished it were me. 

 

When other people would ask about my having kids, I'd simply reply confidently, "Oh, I'm just not cut out to be a mother," or even (in a mock self-deprecating tone) "I wouldn't inflict myself on some poor kid as their mother" or "I can barely even keep a plant alive!" That's usually all it took to stop the questioning. (It may have helped that I generally like young children, as long as they're not mine.-_- ) While it can be difficult to get close family to drop the subject, you don't owe anyone else an explanation.

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I'm 21 and I also get this A LOT. I really do not like children, not at all, and I'm so horrified by pregnancy that I regularly have horrible nightmares about it even though I don't have sex. Luckily for me, I have three siblings who should produce adequate grandchildren for my mom, and I can be a cool aunt. I can't even relate to children, I don't know how to talk to them. I love people, but baby people aren't people as far as I'm concerned. 

It's also made so much worse by people constantly saying 'oh you'll be such a good mom someday!' because I take good care of my dog and my roommates and I can cook and I'm super organized or whatever they mean. No I won't. And if I was I would be a horrible mom because I wouldn't like the thing I had to parent. 

I hate the smug condescension of 'you'll change your mind.' Even if I do (which I won't), it's none of your business. You can take your screaming poo and vomit covered spawn along with no sleep and my well rested rescue dog and I will hike off into the sunset. 

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I don't want kids either. I get told all the time that I'll "change my mind" some day. Which I find pretty insulting. I've never wanted kids, hate the idea of being pregnant, and am pretty damn sure that I know my body and wants better than anyone else.

 

I love kids, just don't want any.

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Maybe I am lucky enough but  my parents fortunately dont asking me when kids . Well when I was about 13 they maybe once when I told that pregnancy and childbird   seems terrible and scarry to me the said something about that I could change my mind later but guess they got used that if they will have grandchildren,it wont be from me. Actually we never talked  much about such things. Also  almost  all my cousins are much younger then me (from toddler to early teen)so maybe their visits are enough.

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Ms.Frankenstein

I have zero maternal instinct myself...it's just NOT there, at least not for human children. I find infants slightly terrifying and slightly repulsive....I'm highly sensitive to sounds/smells and infants come with a plethora of those....I just KNOW it's going to start screeching at any second so I'm constantly on guard whenever a baby is brought into a room I'm currently occupying. I can't relax around babies at all and I certainly DON'T want one of my own.

 

I don't worry about what others think. They don't have to live with my choices, but I do.

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I can't stand kids or babies and have never wanted any, even when I was younger.  When co-workers bring their kids into the office, I make myself scarce so I don't have to have any interaction with them.  If I'm at a family gathering an my cousins are there with their kids, I try to occupy myself so I don't have to be around them as well.

 

One of my co-workers is actually 7 months pregnant right now and she's constantly complaining about every little thing about it.  This probably makes me a bad person but In my mind I'm constantly telling her to shut up, that she did it to herself so she should stop complaining.

 

Luckily I'm past the age where I could have kids so no one is questioning me about having some of my own, but I'm tired of being looked at like I'm some sort of mutant because I never wanted kids and can't stand them or that I'm not excited for my co-worker.

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