Repressing? Asexual? Too anxious?

[Perdue]

Hi,

 

I'll try to do my best to express myself clearly as I am a non-native English speaker.

 

I'm 21 years old and I've never been in any sorts of relationship. I've never kissed someone, I've never had sex with someone, I've never even held hands with someone. I've never called anyone my boyfriend or girlfriend. However, I've been very close to people. Especially on the internet, I've created very close bonds with people - mainly 2 boys - relationships that other people might have interpreted as a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. Never about saying "I love you" or sweet words, but just spending hours messaging or playing together (I'm a video gamer), knowing almost everything about each other. For my second and last one, earlier this year, I even think I was very close to falling in love with him. That was the first time I ever felt something like that. However, because he hinted about the fact that he wanted our relationship to be "more", or maybe because he was honest about what it truly was, he hinted that he wanted it to translate to real life, and because, maybe, he pushed too hard, I started distancing myself. Then, when he began to show "stalkerish (?)" tendencies, maybe because he felt I was bolting, (he waited for me for hours on a messenger app, he was very pushy), I closed links with him. I "ghosted" him. I'm not proud of it now.

 

The fact is, I've always been very anxious. I've had anxiety attacks when I felt someone was close to kiss me (I actually became sick once because of that), and my non-experience in matters such as kissing and having sex also caused me various panic attacks in social situations - even when people just talked about their own experience in parties or events like that. That's why I'm asking - is it just a question of anxiety or self-esteem? Should I just see a psychologist? Even when I was at the beginning of my puberty, I was already very concerned about other people's experiences, and feeling very lacking and concerned whenever I found out that other people my age already had had their first kiss, first boyfriend or girlfriend, or any kind of romantic relationship. At first, it was: shit, so she had a first real kiss at 14, I'm 12, I should find a boyfriend - and feeling unsure, anxious and nervous about it (feeling like it was impossible for me to do it). Then it turned into other ages and other kinds of gestures, now it's I'm 21 and I still never had a boyfriend or never had sex.

 

At the same time, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, what I always felt was because of my anxiety. But whenever I masturbate, I never envision myself in whatever scenario I think about. When I meet people that I objectively find attractive, it's never sexually. I don't think about having sex with them. I don't feel lust. But, in some cases, I met people that I felt were attractive and that I wanted to be close too, though not in a sexual way. It was almost like - warm? I wanted them to hug me. I wanted to know them and them to know and appreciate me.

 

So I'm just... very confused. About the meaning of asexuality. About whether or not I'm able to feel lust towards someone and want to have sex with them. About maybe it's because I didn't meet the good person?

 

I just realized I haven't been entirely true earlier. Twice, while I was drunk, I've met people in a party (once a boy, once a girl), who I felt close to without ever acting on my feelings. I mean, when I met them and hang out with them, I felt like they were attractive and I could envision myself with them - like boyfriend and girlfriend, or girlfriend and girlfriend. So maybe I'm just repressing myself because of my fear and my obsession with my lack of experience, which make me so nervous that they provoke panic attacks. Has someone here ever been in a situation like that? What is your feeling on that?

 

I've been rambling this whole message, but at least I feel like I tried to analyze myself - which I never do - and maybe started something that could become progress.

Maybe I should really talk about all of that to a specialist.

 

Thanks for reading

[i_am_me2]

i also suffer from those anxious feelings and thoughts around sex etc. 

i never feel sexually attracted to anyone but do feel emotional bond to the guys i feel i connect with that way. 

 

i guess if you feel you are asexual then that is ok  being anxious is ok too. though working with a specialist on your anxiety would help. only if that is what you would like to do.

[LabRat]

'fear and obsession with lack of experience' describes me perfectly as well as most of the other things you said! I just can't tell if I'm Asexual/Aromantic or if I'm just so terrified (of what...who knows)

[SaturnOOO]

2 hours ago, i_am_me2 said:

i guess if you feel you are asexual then that is ok  being anxious is ok too. though working with a specialist on your anxiety would help. only if that is what you would like to do.

I agree. Certainly if your anxiety is distressing enough to you, you may benefit from some medical care, either in the form of medications or therapy or both, as long as that is what you want. Whether or not that will change your views on sexuality is anyone's guess. It may be that you are asexual and these social scenarios cause an increase in your anxiety because they feel foreign or unfamiliar to you, or it may be that once you get a handle on your anxiety you find you want to experiment a bit with your sexuality and see what sticks. In any case, I think the most important thing in deciding whether or not to identify as asexual is whether or not you want to identify as asexual. As in, if this is something that is going to relieve your anxiety and give you a starting point for understanding yourself, then there's absolutely no reason not to. However if labeling yourself is going to increase your anxiety and make your more preoccupied with your lack of experience, then there's absolutely no law that says you ever have to name your orientation. Work on feeling better and find out what feels best to you!

[Star Bit]

Anxiety and medications (especially ones relevant to your condition) can decrease or kill sex-drive, so if you just get therapy for it you may end up being a sexual person or you may not. But not desiring sex off the bat after betting better with your anxiety doesnt automatically mean asexual either; half of people have responsive sexual desire (a majority of women and a minority of men) where they need arousal or foreplay to trigger the desire for sex. So if you end up desiring to make out (perhaps specifically with a crush or someone you trust) then you may end up being sexual. If no such desire happens after therapy then you may be asexual; as its a mild thing asexuals to not desire to make out. You repressing your sexual orientation is also possible due to anxiety and sounds more plausible with what you've said of the one girl and one guy you were attracted to.