Am I asexual?

[ForeverBlue]

 

Hey everyone, I’m new here. This is my first post and I have a few questions (okay, a LOT of questions) about asexuality and where I might fall on the spectrum (or if I do at all). I've been reading a lot of the threads here and plenty of articles elsewhere, but I still have some things I'm not sure about.

 

I only discovered asexuality relatively recently. I’m female, going to be 15 soon, and I’ve always thought I was straight. I’ve been researching asexuality, demisexuality, aromance, etc, and I’m not so sure anymore.

 

• I have had crushes before, in middle school. On the opposite sex I might add. I never really wanted to date or be involved with these crushes; it was more of something to giggle at from afar because everyone else did. I just figured that everyone had to have a crush so I had to pick someone.

 

• I can find a person aesthetically attractive. Gender doesn’t really seem to matter to me. A hot girl or guy could walk by, and I’d think ‘Damn!’ But I never thought about wanting to kiss or touch a stranger, let alone have sex with them.

 

• I have no interest in sexual relationships.  Everyone around me is dating, kissing, some losing their virginities, and I just don’t really care about any of it. The idea of actually having sex myself grosses me out a little and actually kind of scares me. Am I just a late bloomer? Have I just not met the ‘one’?

 

• I’m kind of neutral when it comes to romantic attraction. The thought of kissing someone doesn’t gross me out nor excite me. I’ve imagined kissing both boys and girls, and both kind of seem ‘meh’ to me. Not bad, but not something I would go out of my way to do.

 

• I have no desire to have a romantic or sexual relationship. Most of my friends have girlfriends, boyfriends or crushes. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. Is that bad or wrong? Should I want a relationship, or at least pretend to?

 

• I definitely understand dirty jokes and innuedos. Hell, I’m sometimes the one making them. I know a decent amount about sex. I just don’t care that much about it.

 

• Is it really true that some people see a complete stranger and think “I’d hit that”? Do people actually find themselves sexually attracted to random people? Is that a thing? That just seems bizarre to me.

 

• I do get turned on sometimes, but not by any particular person. Just by a fantasy or detached scenario (if that makes any sense?). I relieve arousal by watching porn or masturbating occasionally.

 

• I’m a virgin, never been in a relationship, never kissed, held hands or even touched anyone in a remotely romantic way. Do I really need to try it to see if I like it? Or can I know that I’m asexual or aromantic without ever having been involved in romantic or sexual activities?

 

• I don’t understand what is desirable about sex. It doesn’t seem all that pleasant to me. Just awkward, sweaty and generally not that much fun. No one else that I know seems to think this.

 

So, I guess my question is: am I really ace? Am I aromantic? Am I some sort of a confused bisexual, pansexual or straight? Or am I just too young to know?

 

Sorry for the whackload of questions. I know there are way too many to answer individually. My big question is: what am I? I would greatly appreciate any help anyone has to offer. Thank you!

[ponz]

First off, I'll say you're old enough to know your orientation, but still young enough to not need to settle on a label just yet (not that you ever have to). 

 

You do sound both asexual and perhaps a/lithromantic to me, but that's just my opinion.  Only you can label you.  

 

My suggestion is for you to continue to reflect on yourself and to interact with/read about asexuals for a while.  Let everything sink in.  You may be able to answer all these questions yourself given some time.

 

Also, you do not need to try things to know if you're asexual/aromantic or not.  However, if you do take on these labels, don't let them stop you from trying things out if you ever want to.

[dissolved]

You are young. Most people know what their sexuality is by their late teens because their attraction and desire is directed at someone or something. It's very difficult to prove a negative, since asexual folk don't desire sex by definition. However. A large percentage of female bodied folks experience something called responsive desire - they only desire sexual contact once the activity has started, so many of these people don't know they're an average sexual person until they've got close to someone, both in an emotional and physical sense. If you have no desire to be with someone, and by extension, desire sex, then it's probably safe to say you're asexual. How long you wait to decide on your sexuality is up to you, but if you find that things do change in a few years, please don't hold onto the label if it no longer fits. Very few people in their 20s and 30s are just as they were at 15, sexuality included.

[Zsareph]

 Welcome to AVEN! 🍰 Ok, so first off, don't worry about asking questions, we don't mind :) a lot of the stuff you talk about is completely normal for asexuals and "late bloomers". Whether you're ace or not, it's perfectly fine to feel the way you do.

 

I knew I was ace since I was about 14-15, so it isn't necessarily too young to know. It's entirely possible that you may end up feeling sexual attraction when you're older, but it's also possible you won't.

 

Should you identify as asexual? Well, you sound like you don't experience sexual attraction/desire and that's all it is. However, keep in mind that you may feel differently later on in life and, if that does happen, it may be hard to stop seeing yourself as ace if you did start identifying as it beforehand. That said, not identifying as ace out of concern that you may just be a late bloomer isn't all that fun either, especially if everyone around you seems to have their sexuality figured out. All in all, I'd recommend you identify as asexual if you don't feel comfortable waiting in uncertainty until you're older, with thought to how you'd feel if it turns out you aren't. Try not to worry too much though, it's not like you have to pick a label and stick to it for life. The same goes for your romantic orientation.

 

As for trying things out to know, some people feel like they can't be sure until they try. Others, like me, feel perfectly confident that they don't want to try and don't need to. If you want to experiment to feel more confident in your identity, you can, it wouldn't make you any more or less ace either way. However please make sure that it's what you want, not what you think you should want. Don't let anything pressure you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing.

 

Hope this helps, and remember that you're the only one who can decided what you identify as. 

[Star Bit]

You could be too young to know; you're 15 and most of the time sexuality realization is as late as 17; a minority at 20, so its perfectly possible it could still be in development. But yes, so far you do seem asexual and aromantic. It sounds like you dont actually get crushes but fool yourself into thinking so due to heteronarmativity, but this doesnt nececerily mean you wont have crushes in the future; as romantic origination has no real realization date (e.g. for some it happens at 18). Aesthetic attraction is not an indicator of sexual or romantic orientation either, its just a platonic fixation/admirance on someones looks (which is different from simply recognizing good looks). If you dont desire relationships thats not asexual related but aromantic related (though you could be choosing to not be with sexual people out of sexual expectation, which is fine). Romantic attraction isn't desiring/being able to consent to making out, its an emotion.

Spoiler

Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc. And others may feel it light enough (compared to the norm) that there is no clear line between crushes and wanting emotional closeness.

 

''Should i want a relationship or at least pretend to?'' No. Everyone is different and not wanting something is completely fine.

Yes, alot of people (predominantly men and a minority of women) see someone and then have the impulse to have sex with them (i.e. sexual attraction); something about that person triggers the desire; which is different from already desiring sex prior to seeing someone and then thinking they'd be willing to vent their desires with someone (i.e. not sexual attraction but just sexual desire); probably based on decent looks or assumed sexual behavior (which is how some women function). Male and female sexuality are (for the most of them) two different things. And of course the concept of something you dont feel would probably be bizarre to you. You dont need to try sex or a relationship to know you desire it, but you may still want to try middle ground stuff to see if you actually want to go further; into having sex or a relationship (i.e. making out or foreplay if you desire it, and close platonic relationships).

(btw the noun form of aromantic is aromanticism not aromance)

 

@ponz*points to my first sentence.*