Arborist Wolf Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I'm demi/grey. I've been with my husband five years, and he's thinking about divorce. I'm not that into physical touch, lots of hugging, kissing, etc, let alone sex. I thought I have made great amounts of compromise seeing as my libido is like 0 most of the time, and the relationship did start out better (i assumed I was Demi at that point but maybe not because it switched off and on again random times. Most of the time I wasn't in the mood for much and needed space. But there were times where I was receptive) He says there's no point in counseling because it's not something I can change. :( I don't understand how everyone says "communication" helps their asexual-with-sexual relationships. I don't think I can communicate any more than I have that it's just not something that comes natural for me, but I'm willing to compromise if I don't feel pressured constantly. For him, it's like he has to mute himself during those times where I need space, and I can see that's hard for him to not express himself when I'm "touched out'. I'm not sure how to fix this, as the middle ground isn't enough for him. But I don't want to lose my best friend either. We also have a daughter together, who has taken a huge hit on my energy and touched out levels, since she's all over me 24/7. For me, I can see this is a time in our life, when our kid is still young and requires a lot from us both. There's not a lot leftover for each other time. And for me, there's no desire for together time after so much time with her. I offered for it to be an open relationship. And he just scoffed. He's not in need of sex. Just physical affection and touch, AND loving sex. If I lose him, which I have a feeling is coming, I just don't see how anyone can fit into my finicky life. I would be fine celebate and asexual forever. But can a guy really be that way? All the ones I know are just barely containing their raunchy jokes and eyeing other girls. -sigh- Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Yes Bat, some of us are that way but we aren't easy to find as we tend to hide under rocks. Communication is fine but it's not a gap filler and whatever folks think or say you can compromise all you want but incompatible is just incompatible. I hope the three of you will be fine and will be able to get through this difficult path/time that's coming your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I am married too, with a 6 yr old son. I understand your situation. The only reason I am still married is that my husband and I have similar values and we are able to be friends even though we have a sexless and very confusing marriage. We also are committed to raising our son and believe a child needs a family. If it wasn't my son in picture, I am not sure if I would still be married to be honest. I discovered my sexuality v recently like couple of years back. And we have been married for 15 yrs! Its painful for me because I have realized I want a very deep emotional bond with a man and no sex. When people say communication is key, I think they are talking about being open to each other. If you already have a clear understanding in your marriage about your individual sexualities then you must talk what does marriage mean to you. Is there any possibility of being married but not in a traditional way? Counseling will help only if there is so much hurt/anger that you guys are not talking to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Arborist Wolf Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 Thanks Amber, I'm glad I'm not the only one, and it's good to hear you guys made it work. Like I mentioned, I'm totally okay with it being an open marriage, or even if we're just roommate or something at this point, because I don't want to do that to my daughter. I feel an intact family is important (said as someone raised by a step dad who was no replacement for a true father) and she definitely loves her dad. I'm hoping we'll be able to come to a similar compromise, but we're also both very stubborn. I'm not happy when I'm pressured or uncomfortable, and he's not happy when he doesn't feel loved or fulfilled in the relationship. Both make sense, but as he said..incompatible might just be what it is and we have to come to terms with that. I think at this point I don't want her to lose her dad, as i'm slowly coming to terms with him no longer wanting the relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I totally understand. I wouldn't say we made it. More like we are hagning in here. Honestly, it was easier before our son. Having a child just complicated things to a whole new level. If you can not be friends with him beyond the sex aspect, things won't be easy. It is better to divorce than be in an increasingly bitter marriage. i don't know how young you are, but I think if you don't see long term future possible then divorce may be the way. I feel the kid gets hurt the most when the divorce is messy and the parents become enemies. If it's a relatively friendly dissolition of your marriage then she can still have best of both of you. I know it hurts :( I am very sorry for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Oh I must mention I have been in individual therapy for 2 years and it has helped me immensely. My husband is also starting this month. So, I think you should go for individual therapy, specially since you say you are emotionally exhausted and physically touched out. So seems your youghter is very young. Many moms, sexual ones too, feel same at this stage. It would be tragic if you break up during this phase, if there was actually chance, once this phase passes. So, yeah I recommending individual counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Arborist Wolf Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 There's no real arguing or bitterness for us. We never really get heated, just talk things through and emotions do come up. Usually if we cant talk about it we'll go to different places and text through the conversation instead. So really, it's a pretty working relationship. We're friends, we do talk and do things for each other, help each other, etc. That's probably the worst part, is that everything else about this relationship is great! LOL, just that he isn't affectionately satisfied, and apparently it's a deal breaker for him. I'm also wondering if I might be aromantic, as that seems to be the very core of his needs and way of displaying affection, while I just am happy with essentially being friends on a marital and parenting level. I don't know...I'm a pretty practical person. I just feel like everyone in this situation would be worse off by the split (financially, no longer having a house, splitting property, child no longer having both parents consistently, becoming a single mom, etc). Logically, it would make more sense to work through this or compromise so even if we're split, we're still living together or close by or something. But there's not a lot of logic in love I guess...so I'm just slowly trying to process how this will work, what it means, etc. And mostly when. He dropped the divorce bomb, and never has mentioned it again or acted like it happened. And trying to bring it up is like pulling teeth. I'm just so confused, and mostly venting at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Wow that sounds so much like us. We dont argue or have ugly fights. We resort to texts and emails too. I am the one romantic in my marriage but I dont want sex. But I need lot of affection and love and emotional bonding. So I guess I am like ur hubby. I would have walked away if it wasn't for my son. I wonder if its infact the asexuality in our marriages that keep them so functional? I always hear of couples fighting and stuff. Very interesting! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Don't stay together for the kids. Every single person on earth, and every therapist you will visit, will tell you the same thing. Don't stay together for the kids. There's no reason why they have to lose their dad, and tbh, it sounds like you don't want to lose their dad but are hiding behind the kiddos. You can only choose between the options you have... we don't get to toss them out and get all new options just because what we have in front of us sucks. You want to magically have a symbiotic, happy, living together arrangement with your husband, but that's quite likely not a possibility. As Amber said, at a certain point you've got to decide if you're going to burn the relationship to the ground and leave bitter and resentful, or if you're going to call it off while you still get along and can negotiate together pleasantly. Whether or not you liked your stepdad has nothing to do with your situation and shouldn't come into play. EDIT: No, asexuality has nothing to do with whether people fight. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Communication is key...to communication. If communication leads to clarity of understanding between two people, it has done it's job. It can't change the differences between those two people. Link to post Share on other sites
Arborist Wolf Posted December 3, 2016 Author Share Posted December 3, 2016 Skullery, i get where you're coming from and the whole tough love keep it real type advice. But we're not staying together for her, or anything like that. We do, in fact, love and care about one another. That's why I'm coming here for advice on how others have worked through these types of issues before. Im not hiding behind my kid, because as a mom I genuinely worry and care about her mental well being. That's not a facade. Lol. When you have children, especially as a mother, their well being becomes a very very big focus of your life. If we had some sort of toxic relationship with a toxic passive aggressive environment, I would agree that you should never stay with someone just to keep a family intact when it's rotten in its core anyway. Breaking up is easy. Sticking around and doing the work is the hard part, and that's what a marriage is. So with all that aside... After talking to a few ace groups on FB about marriage balance, and some people on here, I was able to come up with a few alternatives and plans that we can implement to make things flow more smoothly in the relationship. We talked for three hours about beyond just this what's been bothering us, and he said he was willing to try more on communicating his needs instead of just being upset that I don't mind read. And for me to say when I'm mentally not there at all for physical affection (such as "I can't cuddle right now because I'm really focused on cleaning the house for the weekend.") rather than just sighing or getting impatient. And then try to make up for that time later. We'll see how it goes. Like Amber said the younger years of a child's life are a bad time to make big decisions, because of stress. "The grass is greener on the other side" has never been my mentality. "Your own grass would be just as green if you took the time to water it." Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Skuller maid, I respectfully disagree. Walking away from a functioning marriage with kids involved is not black and white. Every person on earth will not say it either. This is a western and individualistic viewpoint where the personal needs come before family. In other parts of the world its the opposite. There is no right or wrong of course. Just saying, there are many types of marriages and two wise people can live harmoniously exist even if the marriage is lacking the element of sex/romance. It depends a lot on the maturity of the spouses. A child growing up with dad living with them will have a different experience than if that dad was only part of life. Of course, if the marriage is bitter, there is no point in comtinuing. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 If the relationship is based on mutual love and understanding, plus kids, then I believe it is worth figthing for! My problem, as a sexual, is that without either the loving words, the warm touch or the sex, then I will not be able to perceive the love, which I know is there. I get grumpy, lazy and feel lost, neglected and alone. When my wife, again, gives love and affection to the kids, then I agree with her. That is the most important thing to focus on their needs, but it still leaves me dysfunctional and pathetic! I need to be on her priority list Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 MrDane I can only imagine how difficult this must be for the sexual partner. No matter how much "intellectually" one understands, not having sexual needs met can be torturous. I think this kind of marriages works for a sexual partner who has a v low desire. Or if the asexual partner doesn't mind to engage in sex enough often. Or a combination of the two I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
012 Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 16 minutes ago, BurningAmber said: not having sexual needs met can be torturous. That's a pretty strong word, and probably a bit insulting to people who have had the bad luck of actually being tortured. Try something like "difficult", let's not be overly dramatic. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 I think those who are actually in mixed relationships have every right to discuss their situation in whatever language seems appropriate to them, dramatic or not. There is nothing to be gained by asking people to downplay the suffering caused by mixed relationships. Telling it like it is allows people not yet in mixed relationships the chance to make an informed decision about whether they should date outside their orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 I am not being dramatic. I genuinely believe this. Sex and hunger are two primal urges. We are talking of marriage here - "difficult" is insulting for anyone who is in a long term relationship, monogamous and sexual. I do not see how acknowledging the need of one party is being dramatic Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Torture migth be a strong word, but at times I feel like her asexuality is feeding my depression. Not her fault though! Not mine either! Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 'Torturous' just means involving pain or suffering so it's pretty much beyond debate I'd have thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Arborist Wolf Posted December 6, 2016 Author Share Posted December 6, 2016 Ok, is there a way to like close or delete this thread? This wasn't meant as a spot for debate. LOL Mr Dane is completely entitled to his thoughts and feelings. This forum is a safe space for sexuals and asexuals to express what it's like in a relationship. If you have a problem with self expression, maybe stay off the internet..? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Locked topic per OP request Jayce, Asexual Relationships moderator. Link to post Share on other sites
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