Do aces cheat?

[Joe the Stoic]

A thought just occurred.  What if an asexual were to cheat on their partner?  Does this happen?  What would qualify as cheating?  Why would they cheat?

[WinterWanderer]

I can see an asexual cheating for emotional reasons. If they don't feel close to their partner, and someone else comes along who they feel closer to. Cheating doesn't always equal sex. It could mean making out, going on dates, etc.

[Guest]

Of course asexuals can cheat. If I go makeout with someone without my partner's permission, I bet they'd still count that even if I didn't have sex with them. My ex would have considered cuddling with someone else cheating. Some couples have a "we" thing that might not even seem "coupley"  and yet would cross the line. 

[m4rble]

I wouldn't mind setting some restrictions on physical activities but if I was told simply feeling certain emotions was cheating the relationship would feel intolerably suffocating.

[banana monkey]

54 minutes ago, Snow Owl said:

 My ex would have considered cuddling with someone else cheating. 

Hmm, I kinda had this backwards and learnt by it the hardway. I never used to consider cuddling as cheating and I had a really close friend (who may have been a qpf) who I used to cuddle. When he began a relationship he wouldnt see me as he felt he was cheating on her (though this wasnt only specific to the cuddling) when he decided he could see me I had to be conscious of not cuddling as i knew how he felt (even though to me it was absurd) It was only when I knew that relationship was over that I felt comfotable with it again. It was only later that I realised that cuddling depends on the feelings behind it, and I learnt by experience and began to understand slightly why it may be cheating to some people but I still dont understand fully. 

I dont know what i would consider cheating in an ace relationship. 

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, m4rble said:

I wouldn't mind setting some restrictions on physical activities but if I was told simply feeling certain emotions was cheating the relationship would feel intolerably suffocating.

Well... some people will go that far, but that's silly IMO. Feelings can be controlled, to a pretty significant degree, by behavior though. If you're falling for someone and you're in a committed relationship, you've done nothing wrong until you start communicating with them about those feelings. That said, continuing to engage in deep, meaningful, and intimate ways with the person you have feelings for, even if they have never been communicated, is most definitely contributing to those feelings, and it's also taking advantage of the feelings... if I get a crazy exciting rush whenever someone responds to an email, for example, and I keep emailing them, then I am acting on my feelings to the extent that I'm encouraging the continuation of feeling them. Lol that probably made no sense.

[m4rble]

6 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Well... some people will go that far, but that's silly IMO. Feelings can be controlled, to a pretty significant degree, by behavior though. If you're falling for someone and you're in a committed relationship, you've done nothing wrong until you start communicating with them about those feelings. That said, continuing to engage in deep, meaningful, and intimate ways with the person you have feelings for, even if they have never been communicated, is most definitely contributing to those feelings, and it's also taking advantage of the feelings... if I get a crazy exciting rush whenever someone responds to an email, for example, and I keep emailing them, then I am acting on my feelings to the extent that I'm encouraging the continuation of feeling them. Lol that probably made no sense.

No, that makes sense. Of course, it depends on how monogamous you want to be. Personally I would want to have as few restrictions on a relationship as possible so long as that didn't cause my partner to lose feelings for me. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, m4rble said:

No, that makes sense. Of course, it depends on how monogamous you want to be. Personally I would want to have as few restrictions on a relationship as possible so long as that didn't cause my partner to lose feelings for me. 

Oh, that would be absolutely lovely!! I wish more people were like that.

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, m4rble said:

No, that makes sense. Of course, it depends on how monogamous you want to be. Personally I would want to have as few restrictions on a relationship as possible so long as that didn't cause my partner to lose feelings for me. 

How would a lack of restriction cause someone to lose feelings? (Serious question...)

[m4rble]

Just now, Mysticus Insanus said:

How would a lack of restriction cause someone to lose feelings? (Serious question...)

I've read about relationships on this forum where a sexual partner was allowed to start a sexual relationship with someone other than their asexual partner and this eventually caused them to leave their asexual partner because they only felt for their other partner. 

[deltaX]

Although I can't know for sure having never cheated myself, I would guess that asexual people can cheat just as much as any sexual person would.  The rates of sexual cheating might be lower because asexuals are less likely to seek out sex, but cheating could encompass anything that the people in the relationship have decide should be exclusive to the relationship.  These can include kissing, cuddling, going on dates, and/or a bunch of other things depending on the people involved.  And asexual people wouldn't be immune to the temptations for non-sexual cheating anymore than a sexual person would.

[Snao Cone]

Cheating isn't really a clear definition. Adultery sure is, but cheating is broader. An asexual person going behind their partner's back to confide their most intimate thoughts and feelings to a friend, especially a friend that partner isn't even aware of, seems like a pretty serious breach of the purpose of a relationship.

[Philip027]

Yes, it happens.  Ultimately it's the same reason as why sexual people would cheat -- there's something someone else can provide for them that their current partner can't or won't.

Cheating is any violation of trust involving intimacy with another person (the boundaries of which will vary from person to person), and despite what media would have you believe, sex isn't the only means of expressing intimacy.

That being said

Quote

I wouldn't mind setting some restrictions on physical activities but if I was told simply feeling certain emotions was cheating the relationship would feel intolerably suffocating.

Anyone who defines cheating by involuntary thought (zero action) is most likely just a control freak.

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, Snow Cone said:

Cheating isn't really a clear definition. Adultery sure is, but cheating is broader. An asexual person going behind their partner's back to confide their most intimate thoughts and feelings to a friend, especially a friend that partner isn't even aware of, seems like a pretty serious breach of the purpose of a relationship.

Mmm. While I would be a little jealous if they were telling a friend their most intimate thoughts, I personally wouldn't consider it a breach. Sometimes you need to tell a friend something you can't tell your partner. Sometimes you feel closer to someone that you have a certain thing in common with, than someone who can't "get it" on the same level. I wouldn't want to restrict that from someone I cared about just cause I was jealous. 

[Mychemicalqpr]

There isn't really one universal set of relationship rules that dictates what is cheating and what isn't.  People have different ideas of what counts as cheating.  I once suggested in a relationship with a straight guy that he could just have sex with someone else, as long as I knew, and he was baffled and insisted that it would be cheating even though I wouldn't care. To him, that was cheating; to me, it wasn't. 

Just now, Snow Cone said:

An asexual person going behind their partner's back to confide their most intimate thoughts and feelings to a friend, especially a friend that partner isn't even aware of, seems like a pretty serious breach of the purpose of a relationship.

Interesting example.  Some might try to argue that since it's not sexual or romantic, it's not cheating. I think you've got a point though. Just sharing feelings with another person probably isn't a huge deal to most people, but keeping the friend secret makes it a matter of dishonesty. If there is one thing that every healthy relationship should have, it would be honesty. Even in open polyamorous relationships, it's often still considered cheating if you keep interactions with someone secret.  

Just now, Philip027 said:

Cheating is any violation of trust involving intimacy with another person (the boundaries of which will vary from person to person), and despite what media would have you believe, sex isn't the only means of expressing intimacy.

Yes, I think I like this definition. 

[Joe the Stoic]

3 hours ago, Snow Cone said:

Cheating isn't really a clear definition. Adultery sure is, but cheating is broader. An asexual person going behind their partner's back to confide their most intimate thoughts and feelings to a friend, especially a friend that partner isn't even aware of, seems like a pretty serious breach of the purpose of a relationship.

This almost sounds like talking to a therapist would be cheating for an ace.  In fact, psychiatry would be tantamount to prostitution. =P

[Snao Cone]

5 minutes ago, Joe Parrish said:

This almost sounds like talking to a therapist would be cheating for an ace.  In fact, psychiatry would be tantamount to prostitution. =P

Calling a therapist or psychiatrist a "friend" would be an even more serious breach of the doctor/patient relationship.

[Philip027]

Quote

This almost sounds like talking to a therapist would be cheating for an ace.

Even taking the whole asexual/sexual thing totally aside, sometimes the more distrustful folks really do look at it that way.  Might be part of why they end up going into therapy together, for some.

Most of the rest of us though will simply chalk it up to a person needing professional help that their partner may simply not be able to provide.  Like, some of us may love our partners dearly, but we would absolutely never let them cut our hair.  In (most of) such cases it won't be considered a violation to trust our hair to a 3rd party hairstylist.  It's a similar sort of thing here except this comes closer to skirting the line.

[Sally]

One of the difficulties in being cheated on is realizing that other people you both know might have known, although you didn't.    But as well as therapists being paid rather than being friends, they also aren't part of your "public", so no one you know hears what your partner tells the therapist.  

[Chihiro]

On 12/1/2016 at 6:48 AM, twilightstarr said:

I think you've got a point though. Just sharing feelings with another person probably isn't a huge deal to most people, but keeping the friend secret makes it a matter of dishonesty. If there is one thing that every healthy relationship should have, it would be honesty. Even in open polyamorous relationships, it's often still considered cheating if you keep interactions with someone secret.  

I don't think its true. If one of the couples has many friends that their partner haven't met (eg, childhood friends that you are now in touch only through skype), it doesn't matter if they say "Hey I talked to ABC today". I don't think it makes any difference to the other partner who doesn't know ABC.

For example, my parents were extra careful with me when I was a teenager, when they thought I would get boyfriend and make careless mistakes. So they would ask me about my friends, and what I did with them etc. But since they never met my friends (I lived far away from city so friends couldn't visit me), they would get the names confused and then forget what I told about them. In the end, it was as if I never told them anything, and eventually stopped telling them. Not that because I wanted to keep my friends secret, but I was getting super annoyed by their attitude.

[Mulan]

On 12/1/2016 at 7:03 AM, twilightstarr said:

Just sharing feelings with another person probably isn't a huge deal to most people, but keeping the friend secret makes it a matter of dishonesty. If there is one thing that every healthy should is, it would be honesty. Even in open polyamorous relationships, it's often still considered cheating if you keep interactions with someone secret.  

The thing is that we may not tell every little detail to our significant others not just because we feel guilty/ashamed but it could be irrelevant for them. Would that count as cheating as well? 

 

I think cheating is based on individual perspective. If one feels guilt then, it is cheating but then, that is a thin line anyway.

[biancaboricua13]

On 11/30/2016 at 10:41 PM, Joe Parrish said:

This almost sounds like talking to a therapist would be cheating for an ace.  In fact, psychiatry would be tantamount to prostitution. =P

Hey, I'm a therapist....hahahaha!

[BluePanda]

I'm just genuinely curious here- what would you guys do in this situation;

 

You've been in a monogamous relationships with an ace person for the last 2 years

Said person has an online friend that has similar experiences to them, so they are very close and message 24/ 7 (which is ok like we all need friends to talk to)

 

However, the person has just admitted to having feelings for this friend, and the friend has admitted it back, despite both of them being in serious long- term monogamous relationships

 

But... this is where is start getting hazy- they still want to talk to each other because they believe they have something that is purer than a friendship or a romantic relationship, but have agreed to not *act* on these feelings

 

^^ although I've talked to my partner and trust them not to go beyond *the friendship line*, this still really niggles at me, the fact that we agreed to be monogamous and they have essentially got another online romantic friendship that they wish to continue?

For the record, I did ask whether thet'd be more willing to break up than stop talking to the friend and they said break up, because it might happen again in the future and wouldnt be fair to me. All things aside though we are a great match for each other and I know my partner loves me a lot and vice versa

 

 

I'd just like to know what your reactions would be, and whether I'm being a jealous ass/ should just break up with them if it's really bugging me?

[musicandzombies]

On 12/6/2016 at 1:08 AM, Chihiro said:

I don't think its true. If one of the couples has many friends that their partner haven't met (eg, childhood friends that you are now in touch only through skype), it doesn't matter if they say "Hey I talked to ABC today". I don't think it makes any difference to the other partner who doesn't know ABC.

For example, my parents were extra careful with me when I was a teenager, when they thought I would get boyfriend and make careless mistakes. So they would ask me about my friends, and what I did with them etc. But since they never met my friends (I lived far away from city so friends couldn't visit me), they would get the names confused and then forget what I told about them. In the end, it was as if I never told them anything, and eventually stopped telling them. Not that because I wanted to keep my friends secret, but I was getting super annoyed by their attitude.

There's a big difference between not saying something and actively keeping something a secret. You weren't saying something. You weren't actively keeping your friends a secret. The problem is actively keeping something a secret.

 

As far as I'm concerned, cheating is actively violating the trust with your partner(s), particularly the trust around whatever is defined as intimacy for you and your partner(s). I'm in a polyamorous marriage (which on its own is interesting when you're ace and your husband is hella sexual). My husband is wonderful and has a girlfriend and a boyfriend. Totally not cheating because the trust isn't violated when he and I are actively discussing those relationships and working through any issues that come up in ours as a result of those. I'm actively crushing on another man. It's not cheating because my husband knows I'm regularly talking to this other man. If this other man and I start any relationship and I DON'T communicate anything about this relationship with my husband, then I'm cheating and that's a problem. But I'm not cheating right now if I forgot to mention that the other guy and I discussed gaming today or if I don't bring it up because the topic was never relevant to the things my husband and I were discussing.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

Cheating doesn't have to lead necessary to sex, actually some couples believe that having sex with others is not cheating until there is an emotional bond. To me, anyone can cheat, even good people. I don't justify it, I think it's a very negative thing. For me the cheating start when you are approaching someone, keep talking to them, getting closer consciously knowing that you are starting to somewhat like the other person and your could be doubting yourself whether you are with the right person or not or whether you may want to keep things going further.      

 

2 hours ago, BluePanda said:

I'm just genuinely curious here- what would you guys do in this situation;

 

You've been in a monogamous relationships with an ace person for the last 2 years

Said person has an online friend that has similar experiences to them, so they are very close and message 24/ 7 (which is ok like we all need friends to talk to)

 

However, the person has just admitted to having feelings for this friend, and the friend has admitted it back, despite both of them being in serious long- term monogamous relationships

 

But... this is where is start getting hazy- they still want to talk to each other because they believe they have something that is purer than a friendship or a romantic relationship, but have agreed to not *act* on these feelings

 

^^ although I've talked to my partner and trust them not to go beyond *the friendship line*, this still really niggles at me, the fact that we agreed to be monogamous and they have essentially got another online romantic friendship that they wish to continue?

For the record, I did ask whether thet'd be more willing to break up than stop talking to the friend and they said break up, because it might happen again in the future and wouldnt be fair to me. All things aside though we are a great match for each other and I know my partner loves me a lot and vice versa

 

 

I'd just like to know what your reactions would be, and whether I'm being a jealous ass/ should just break up with them if it's really bugging me?

You should express your feelings to your partner, but before you do it, make a list of those feelings, think about them, don't think in a negative way, more like to think about resolutions, so when you talk you would be calm already, have come to a more stable emotional place. What I could do about a situation like that may not suit to you, so only you with your partner can solve this.  

[nanogretchen4]

Blue Panda, I'm not sure what your partner means by not "acting" on their feelings for their friend. Presumably they don't have sexual feelings for each other, so what "act" are they so nobly abstaining from? In my opinion they acted on their feelings when they declared those feelings to each other. They continue to act on their feelings when they choose to continue their current level of emotional intimacy rather than acknowledging that they need to cool things off. Your partner prioritizes the continuation of this friendship over the continuation of your relationship. Their loyalty has been transferred from you to this friend, and in your case I would totally consider that cheating in the context of a monogamous relationship. If your partner is going to act like they are in an open relationship you should be free to do the same.

[litanies]

I think cheating is best defined as breaching the rules of a relationship.  The content of those rules is up to the people in the relationship.  What one couple defines as cheating could be not cheating at all for another.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

Sure. We're still only human after all. No one's perfect :/

[AppleOfEve]

Definitely,

I have a friend who recently went through this with her ex-boyfriend. She caught him on a dating sites talking to other women. 

[Lara Black]

Of course they do.

Aces can start a romance with someone else, can have feelings for a person outside their couple. For that matter, aces can even cheat in the narrowest sense of the word – they can have sex with someone else (even if it doesn’t bring them any pleasure) to facilitate that other relationship.

Whatever definition of cheating their partner has, aces can do that.