What happened?

[Erica443]

I'm a 22 year old male and I kissed a girl for the first time. I felt nothing during the kiss, like lips touching each other, nothing more. I kissed her 2-3 times to confirm. I have little or no attraction to the girl, we know each other for 4 years, we are friends, but I wanted to try it out, because I rarely get a chance. I don't like guys and I don't believe I am gay. I have never fantasized or anything about a guy; This includes kissing, touching, nor doing anything sexually. I have however fantasized a lot about certain girls. I also like to masturbate and I find girls sexy on pictures and videos. I have had girl crushes when I was younger, but the girls never liked me back so I haven't felt any real romantic emotion my whole life. The last 4 years of my life have been mostly without any attraction to girls, I was in university and spent my time studying mostly.

I'm really confused and disturbed about the event. I feel great for going for it, but I kinda feel weird about not feeling anything. I was thinking of whether I should kiss her or not, but I didn't want to feel regrets for not doing it. I feel like I kissed her because I haven't kissed a girl and I wanted to know how it felt. Alas, I felt nothing. Maybe I am asexual for just kisses lol, I think I really want to have sex with certain girls. Any thoughts on this?

[mikeman7918]

Best I can figure you might be heterosexual but aromantic, that might be a possibility worth considering.

[dissolved]

I wouldn't base your conclusions on a single event with one person. I've kissed upwards of 20 people and felt nothing for all but three of them. 

[deltaX]

There are different types of attraction, so it's possible to feel sexual attraction without other forms of attraction like romantic or sensual attraction.  In fact, a lot of people have "mismatched" orientations, even though it's not talked about much outside of asexual and aromantic spaces.

My suggestion would be to do some research into the different types of attraction, and do some reflection on which types you gave felt.  There's a pinned thread in this forum with lots of information that may be a good place to start.

Best of luck, and welcome to AVEN!

[AW10]

12 hours ago, Erica443 said:

I'm a 22 year old male and I kissed a girl for the first time. I felt nothing during the kiss, like lips touching each other, nothing more. I kissed her 2-3 times to confirm. I have little or no attraction to the girl, we know each other for 4 years, we are friends, but I wanted to try it out, because I rarely get a chance. I don't like guys and I don't believe I am gay. I have never fantasized or anything about a guy; This includes kissing, touching, nor doing anything sexually. I have however fantasized a lot about certain girls. I also like to masturbate and I find girls sexy on pictures and videos. I have had girl crushes when I was younger, but the girls never liked me back so I haven't felt any real romantic emotion my whole life. The last 4 years of my life have been mostly without any attraction to girls, I was in university and spent my time studying mostly.

I'm really confused and disturbed about the event. I feel great for going for it, but I kinda feel weird about not feeling anything. I was thinking of whether I should kiss her or not, but I didn't want to feel regrets for not doing it. I feel like I kissed her because I haven't kissed a girl and I wanted to know how it felt. Alas, I felt nothing. Maybe I am asexual for just kisses lol, I think I really want to have sex with certain girls. Any thoughts on this?

I am currently trying to replace concept of asexuality with something much more profound and useful in real life. I believe that every human is sexual, it is just that every human perceives sex differently. What I am replacing asexuality with is "sexual actualization" and before I have started figuring out "sexual actualization" I also have not felt any real romantic emotion, but now when I have at least some clue about "sexual actualization", I started feeling something for girls. I hope the same will happen for you. All I have so far on "sexual actualization" is a "shell" for actual content and that shell is located in the article linked below. My current best prognosis is that I will complete "sexual actualization" section of the article in one week. However, the empty "shell of sexual actualization" may still bring out your feelings for girls:

http://aw10-sandbox.wikia.com/wiki/The_Practical_Definition_of_Sexuality

[Star Bit]

Wait, you say girl crushes but then say you've never felt romantically. So by girl crushes you actually mean lusted toward women?

So you just desire sex with women? (in which case is not asexual) But not a relationship?

Then you sound like an Aromantic Heterosexual. This is technically a cross-orientation, but normally that term is used for people with something on both sides; e.g. biromantic homosexual.

 

@AW10 While most asexuals are sexual because they masturbate, no, not all are; some do not masturbate. Some can get aroused but others can't, so its unclear if you'd still call those non-libidoists sexual, but the latter clearly are. So no, not everyone is sexual. But if you're using sexual to mean everyone desires sex, asexuals just desire it in an abnormal way, then once again no. Asexual as an orientation does not mean non-sexual, it means they desire sex with no one; just like homosexual is not literal either and does not mean they desire sex with their twin.

[ShiniTheGami]

You know, that happened to me too. The first time I kissed a guy, I felt absolutely nothing. It was just a slightly wet press of lips.

I think instead of letting it upset and disturb you, you should use it as an opportunity for discovery. Research. You might discover something about yourself you didn't know was there.

I hope you manage to figure some things out.

[AW10]

On 01.12.2016. at 0:31 AM, Star Bit said:

While most asexuals are sexual because they masturbate, no, not all are; some do not masturbate. Some can get aroused but others can't, so its unclear if you'd still call those non-libidoists sexual, but the latter clearly are. So no, not everyone is sexual. But if you're using sexual to mean everyone desires sex, asexuals just desire it in an abnormal way, then once again no. Asexual as an orientation does not mean non-sexual, it means they desire sex with no one; just like homosexual is not literal either and does not mean they desire sex with their twin.

 

What I mean by "every human is sexual" is that sex is not about the way of practicing sex; sex as I define it can be practiced on many ways, but only requirement is that it involves interaction of at least two humans. Well, that requirement is because sex as I define it is either act of "WaterSex | human giving mentally to other human", "EarthSex | human taking mentally from other human", "AirSex | human giving physically to other human" or "FireSex | human taking physically from other human". By the way, "the four sex codes" formed out of "the four main elements" is substitute for yet to be created explanation of "the four sexual acts". In the meantime here are the four songs I have found, not words but overall energy of the songs expresses the essence of "the four sexual acts": "WaterSex | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsFb661EXsI", "EarthSex | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_SI2EDM6Lo", "AirSex | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVfnh4WIz2o" and "FireSex | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQTcRxPsoMo". What do you think about this way of perceiving sex?

[Nidwin]

And what are you supposed to feel, except the contact of two pair of lips against each other, not unpleasant of course if you ask my opinion?

As for your fantasies and desire to have sex with dudettes. Do you have them only when alone or also when close to some dudettes?

[Star Bit]

On 12/2/2016 at 4:30 AM, AW10 said:

 

What I mean by "every human is sexual" is that sex is not about the way of practicing sex; sex as I define it can be practiced on many ways, but only requirement is that it involves interaction of at least two humans. Well, that requirement is because sex as I define it is either act of "WaterSex | human giving mentally to other human", "EarthSex | human taking mentally from other human", "AirSex | human giving physically to other human" or "FireSex | human taking physically from other human". By the way, "the four sex codes" formed out of "the four main elements" is substitute for yet to be created explanation of "the four sexual acts". In the meantime here are the four songs I have found, not words but overall energy of the songs expresses the essence of "the four sexual acts": "WaterSex | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsFb661EXsI", "EarthSex | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQTcRxPsoMo", "AirSex | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVfnh4WIz2o" and "FireSex | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_SI2EDM6Lo". What do you think about this way of perceiving sex?

So by saying every human is sexual you did mean every human desires sex. Again, no. True, sexuality is not behavior, but sexuality IS desiring sex and asexuals do not DESIRE sex (though they can sexually compromise). According to your logic it seems that every person that was bi-curious and ended up finding out that theyre actually gay or straight were actially bi all along. No, because they still dont desire sex or romance with those people; they were just capable of doing what they didnt desire but genuinely desire that with one gender.

[Xavy]

You are the best person to determine if it is appropriate to describe yourself as asexual and/or aromantic. What I can tell you is that feeling nothing from a kiss is not unique to you, I remember my first kiss not because it was good or pleasurable, but because is was so incredibly unremarkably and anti climatic.     

[Star Bit]

True, your reaction to kissing has nothing to do with your sexual or romantic orientation, though it is a mild thing among asexuals to not be into making out.

[*kit*]

I can see why you would want to try kissing when it was offered, and it's true that some very sexual people just don't like kissing, but I wouldn't draw conclusions based upon the fact that you had no response to kissing some one to whom you aren't romantically or sexually attracted, even if they are a really close friend and you like them very much.  

 

While some asexual people do enjoy having sex while it's happening even though they don't experience sexual attraction, there are plenty of sexual people who would have a neutral or even negative response to kissing some one to whom they aren't attracted.  You are the only one who can decide whether you are asexual or aromantic, but in my opinion, your response will be more telling if and when you kiss some one for whom you do feel one or more types of attraction and that person is also attracted to you.

 

There are asexual people who use porn and fantasizing for masturbation who don't want to act out those fantasies in real life, as they're just using them to get off, so I don't think that tells you very much either.  As well, while porn isn't bad or wrong, it is analogous to alcohol in that it can be used in unhealthy ways and there are some people who aren't asexual who become overly reliant on porn and how easily available it is, who find that the unreal expectations it can create make it difficult for them to form a sexual or romantic connection to real people, even though they want a relationship.  I'm not saying this is you, just pointing out that it exists.

 

If you really think you would like to have sex with certain girls though, that sounds to me as if you're feeling at least sexual attraction.  You have had crushes, but not in a really long time so perhaps you are grey romantic and feel rare or weak romantic attraction or perhaps you've grown up to be an aromantic adult.  In any case, if you don't feel that your kissing experiment helped you identify your orientation, you may learn more if you find a girl to whom you feel genuine sexual and/or romantic attraction who is also attracted to you and experiment and see how you respond.