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What does sexual attraction feel like?


PixieCat

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You're going to get a lot of stick on AVEN for equating sexual and sensual...

 

I can't be bothered with this. If desire and attraction are the same for you, fine, but the sexual world heartily disagrees with you.

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In the asexual community we use sensual to talk about the senses, especially being tactile. Please see the AVEN wiki.

 

I'm using an example of attraction I do experience and how it is separate from desire.

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Just now, dissolved said:

You're going to get a lot of stick on AVEN for equating sexual and sensual...

 

I can't be bothered with this. If desire and attraction are the same for you, fine, but the sexual world heartily disagrees with you.

I can provide a link showing that sexual and sensual are synonyms as well. Matter of fact Sensual specifically speaks of sexual want.  I'm not trying to argue if that's what you mean. I provided you with a page that showed attraction and desire are synonyms. It is something you would find in a dictionary. I'm sorry if I came across as aggressive but I was trying to get my point across. 

 

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3 minutes ago, borkfork said:

In the asexual community we use sensual to talk about the senses, especially being tactile. Please see the AVEN wiki.

 

I'm using an example of attraction I do experience and how it is separate from desire.

I can't say much because sensual IS an synonym for sexy but its also a synonym for non sexual things. If you had specified I would have understood you from the start. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Sensual is not a synonym of sexual in the ace community, it means to desire physical touch such as cuddling and holding.

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Vocabulary in the ace community may be a bit different from the dictionary. We had to invent terms (e.g. demisexual, aromantic, grey-a) and our own vernacular to be able to talk about our experiences.

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Just now, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Sensual is not a synonym of sexual in the ace community, it means to desire physical touch such as cuddling and holding.

It just seems silly to make the meaning of a word be different because of what community you are in. It seems like it would cause a broad misunderstanding. Changing what the literal meaning of a word makes it harder for new comers to a community that they feel they fit in. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 minute ago, cobs said:

It just seems silly to make the meaning of a word be different because of what community you are in. It seems like it would cause a broad misunderstanding. Changing what the literal meaning of a word makes it harder for new comers to a community that they feel they fit in. 

Different communities the world over use specific words; bear has a very different meaning in the gay community that isn't in the dictionary.

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1 minute ago, cobs said:

It just seems silly to make the meaning of a word be different because of what community you are in. It seems like it would cause a broad misunderstanding. Changing what the literal meaning of a word makes it harder for new comers to a community that they feel they fit in. 

We're telling you now. A misunderstanding is really not a big deal. We all had to learn at one time. I'd recommend exploring the AVEN wiki. Asexuality Archive is also good, though it's a male aro-ish point-of-view.

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2 minutes ago, borkfork said:

Vocabulary in the ace community may be a bit different from the dictionary. We had to invent terms (e.g. demisexual, aromantic, grey-a) and our own vernacular to be able to talk about our experiences.

They all take on literal suffixes and prefixes that mean the same. A- in front of a word is basically not. So Aromantic literally means not romantic.  I like to use words in a way that's the same across all platforms so if someone outside of the community was to ask me how I feel about something I could use sensual as a term THEY understand not just this community.  It's fine if you use it in just this community but its important to know that the word changes when you talk to someone outside of this area

 

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1 minute ago, borkfork said:

We're telling you now. A misunderstanding is really not a big deal. We all had to learn at one time. I'd recommend exploring the AVEN wiki. Asexuality Archive is also good, though it's a male aro-ish point-of-view.

I've looked through it several times. Its how I learned I was on the ace spectrum. 

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6 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Different communities the world over use specific words; bear has a very different meaning in the gay community that isn't in the dictionary.

But if you was to say bear to someone outside of the community they would assume an animal. I was simply using catch all terms with how it is used in the dictionary. I don't see the reason for being attacked for this. I wanted my point to be put across not subordinated. 

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10 minutes ago, cobs said:

I like to use words in a way that's the same across all platforms so if someone outside of the community was to ask me how I feel about something I could use sensual as a term THEY understand not just this community.  It's fine if you use it in just this community but its important to know that the word changes when you talk to someone outside of this area

 

Yes I would modify my vocabulary when talking to non-aces, but this is our space. The non-aces here don't demand translation. Like Anthracite said, "bear" means something different in the gay community. "Little" means something different in the kink community. This is not unique to aces.

 

You'll get used to it. :cake:

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Just now, borkfork said:

Yes I would modify my vocabulary when talking to non-aces, but this is our space. The non-aces here don't demand translation. Like Anthracite said, "bear" means something different in the gay community. "Little" means something different in the kink community. This is not unique to aces.

Its fine. If you use bear I would know what you mean. But I wont change the meaning of a word fully to accommodate for the vocabulary here. I can either be removed from here or left to keep using the words I was taught in my education the way I have been using them for years. Things like Ace. bear, or even little and bottom can be used here and I will know what you mean, However I won't modify my entire vocabulary for a community that claims to be inclusive and then attacks someone that uses literal meanings of words. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

No one's attacking you, we're just telling you that the vocabulary in the ace community has different meanings than in everyday life. Insisting sensual means sexual in the ace community erases those of us who are very touchy-feely but don't want sex.

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15 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

No one's attacking you, we're just telling you that the vocabulary in the ace community has different meanings than in everyday life. Insisting sensual means sexual in the ace community erases those of us who are very touchy-feely but don't want sex.

Why not use the word affectionate?

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Anthracite_Impreza
3 minutes ago, cobs said:

Why not use the word affectionate?

I do personally, but a lot of people prefer the word sensual because it refers to "senses" in general.

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I think I'll continue to use affectionate. It portrays what I mean to the best extent. The implications of sensual are to noticeable to ignore for me. 

At least you have enough sense to not be passive aggressive towards what I mean. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
10 minutes ago, cobs said:

I think I'll continue to use affectionate. It portrays what I mean to the best extent. The implications of sensual are to noticeable to ignore for me. 

At least you have enough sense to not be passive aggressive towards what I mean. 

Well that's fair enough, it's just a lot of people don't like to be told sensual = sexual on an ace forum because it implies they're "secretly" sexual, which is something a lot of us get accused of in RL.

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5 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Well that's fair enough, it's just a lot of people don't like to be told sensual = sexual on an ace forum because it implies they're "secretly" sexual, which is something a lot of us get accused of in RL.

I understand being accused of that. I'm kinda like Demi sexual but I'm mostly ace so explaining to people really becomes a big pain. I like The word affectionate too. It's an underrated word in my opinion. 

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The back-and-forth above is why I wish AVEN would take the "attraction" business out of the definition of asexuality, and simply make it "asexuality means not wanting sex with another person".  NO one agrees on what attraction means.

 

A cavil about sensual:  it isn't really synonymous with affectionate.  I feel affectionate toward my children; my feeling isn't sensual.  Affection doesn't necessarily entail a physical feeling; it's an emotion.  Sensual directly means a physical feeling.  

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On 1.12.2016 at 11:15 PM, dissolved said:

I said all "types" of attraction are the same, and it's what you want to do with the attraction that counts. People can't figure out what they're feeling because they're trying to categorise something that can't be categorised, nor needs to be.

When people describe attraction, it's simply their body reacting to someone or something. Everything beyond that probably isn't attraction, it's the person interpreting it and trying to fit it into sexual/romantic/sensual/whatever, when in fact the easiest thing to do is to just ask yourself, "do I want to sleep with this person?" if the answer is no, you don't feel sexually towards them. That bit ain't rocket science.

Wait... I liked your point in your first post about sexual attraction simply being arousal at a certain person, but are you now saying, that actually sexual attraction is the only kind of attraction there is? How does that make any sense?  Wouldn't it literally mean, that romantic asexuals can't exist?

As for myself, I most definitely am attracted to people sometimes, but never in the form of being aroused. Are you saying that I'm delusional about my attractions?

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  • 1 month later...
ChickenPadSeeEew

I identify as demisexual and am in a long-term romantic and sexual relationship with my best-friend (nearly 20 years! He's awesome! We're awesome! Everything is... aaawesome, :P . I loves him.). 

 

My experience of sexual attraction (and, I'm still sorting it out?! It might not actually be sexual attraction, but here goes):

  • I have to use moments of leading up to sex with my S.O. to describe my feelings, sorry, because I don't seem to experience it outside of this.
  • If I am in the mood to experience sexual attraction (I can't be tired or stressed!), I will look at him, really look at him, and find I am visually drawn to parts of his body. More than just casual, observational looking. It could be a patch of skin, the way a muscle curves, his stubble, the way his hair does that, etc. 
  • While I am visually appreciating him, I feel a desire to touch and kiss whatever area I am looking at and appreciating him physically, not just aesthetically. So I am drawn to him in a tactile way too.
  • Pulling my feelings apart, I think I regard him as a place of safety, a person who knows me better than anyone, and so it's a moment of romantic attraction + aesthetic attraction + a desire to get/feel even closer to him + a little something more physically (i.e., an increase in physical sensations - a visceral yearning?). I wish to increase that sense of emotional closeness through physical closeness and I detect a physical longing (maybe in my gut?). 
  • The sensations can also be in my genitals, but when this starts happening, I suspect this is where I flip to my sex drive (just having sexual drives/physical sensations, nothing to do with another person?) and not sexual attraction, per se. Like, that burning, building sensation in my genitals does not come from looking at him. Because, uh, I get that everyday just brushing my teeth or driving the car and not thinking about sex! It's not about him, then. Does that make sense?
  • It's like there is a gap there. Like, I could close my eyes and it's not so much about him anymore. There is a point where my sexual attraction to him builds and kind of stops/stays where it's at, and then I jump to a place where I could just be on my own, taking care of myself or, I don't know, doing nothing, or if I wanted to, watching porn - something detached but generally/distantly arousing, not about a specific person, but I continue with him because I have a strong romantic attraction to him, am enjoying the emotional closeness, and am enjoying the physical sensations.
  • This is where we are at now, by the way. I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone else, ever, really. And, with him, I'd say the sexual attraction kicked in at about 10-12 years into our relationship and is still increasing today. :) Just in the last few mths, I've noticed I can admire him while he's showering or getting dressed, or across the room talking to someone and nothing sexual is going on between us, and I feel a bit physical 'yearning-y'. That's a big change, I think.
  • I should also say that I have a moderate sex drive and am sex positive (well, I have had periods of being sex neutral in the past).
  • I feel sexual arousal doing nothing quite regularly. Sometimes it's annoying! I'm not even planning on or thinking about sex! So that's what I mean; during the lead up to sex, I think this kicks in and takes over. But it's not actually/really sexual attraction to him the whole time or beyond a certain pt. 
  • Also, I should say that I've only ever experienced sexual attraction with him. If it's sexual attraction. I think it is. I'm calling it that! Although, I sometimes ask myself, if I didn't experience romantic and/or aesthetic attraction, would I think I feel sexual attraction? I don't know... I don't know...
  • I feel like I haven't helped? Sorry! 

 

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On 25.11.2016 at 11:31 PM, dissolved said:

I literally mean you find some attractive to the point of physical arousal, without touching ever happening, so it's purely the sight, sound or smell of the person.

Why is it restricted that way? Why draw the line right there, and not count light touch as a thing, that can give rise to the attraction?

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3 hours ago, sindi said:

Why is it restricted that way? Why draw the line right there, and not count light touch as a thing, that can give rise to the attraction?

That definition is just plain horrible. That would mean women who were aroused to bonobos having sex are attracted to them (yes, there was a study of that), and sexual arousal is an autonomous response with little consciousness invoked to it. In fact, some males reported being aroused by something they're not even into at all like an inanimate object. And asides, as a former sexual, I can tell you that is not what sexual attraction is at all. Sexual attraction is a lot more emotional-driven, and it's pretty instinctive as a drive.

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1 minute ago, Reptillian said:

That definition is just plain horrible. That would mean women who were aroused to bonobos having sex are attracted to them (yes, there was a study of that), and sexual arousal is an autonomous response with little consciousness invoked to it. In fact, some males reported being aroused by something they're not even into at all like an inanimate object. And asides, as a former sexual, I can tell you that is not what sexual attraction is at all. Sexual attraction is a lot more emotional-driven, and it's pretty instinctive as a drive.

Why are you saying this as if I came up with some definition? :o I was only questioning a definition I read about here...

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1 minute ago, sindi said:

Why are you saying this as if I came up with some definition? :o I was only questioning a definition I read about here...

I'm talking about dissolved's definition.


Actually, I read some more of this thread. Never mind.

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In my case in the past I may have become aroused (erect) seeing a girl, but that's as far as it went. I never felt the desire to actually have sex with her. Over the years the state of arousal has left me.

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From what I experience occasionally, it's one of the most intense, beautiful feelings in the world. It feels like a pleasing mist, a sort of magic, is stirring all around you, and suddenly your blood flow harmonizes with it. All you want is that person, it's all you care about. They're the roller coaster ride, the sunshine outside your window, the gentle glisten of silk blankets; it's a calling you can't ignore. 

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