(TMI) Am I asexual?

[UnravelMySoul]

Hello. Just to put a few important details out there first. I'm a 15 year old (Pre-T, Pre-Op) Transgender man. I've never experienced sexual abuse (I know lots of people who have and the idea if it happening to myself terrifies me), and I'm romantically attracted to all genders (I currently identify as Pansexual, although I may just be Panromatic).

And I'm questioning my sexual attraction

I watch porn, read smut, and masturbate as frequently as I think a non-asexual person would (Every few days), I have fantasies and I don't find getting aroused very hard as long as I'm relaxed and already kind of in the mood. But, I never imagine being in these sexual situations myself. I only like seeing/reading/imagining OTHER people having sex, the idea of touching a penis or vagina (and anything else inbetween) makes me cringe. The idea of sex in general doesnt gross me out, but participating does. It also may be important to note that I enjoy male-on-male gay porn, smut, ect over hetero/lesbian stuff, although my romantic attraction remains the same for all genders. Also, I find having a vagina and not having a penis to be more aesthetically and physically unsatisfying rather than sexually unsatisfying. Like I'm more just missing something that should just be there and stuff, like not standing to pee makes me uncomfortable and dysphoric, ect.

Now, I do have sexual experience. It was a year ago (yes, I was and still am young, but that didn't stop me) with a girl the same age as me. At the time, I wasn't out as transgender. She fingered me, I gave her oral sex and then we grinded our clitoris' against each other for a while. Because of the fact I masturbate, I was convinced that I must want to do this. But in the middle of actually doing it, I found myself struggling to get aroused, didn't get close to having an orgasm, thinking about things unrelated to sex, finding the feeling and taste of sex to be awkward and kinda gross. But she seemed to be enjoying it like I thought she would.

After that experience, I didnt want to do it again. My relationship with her continued for a few months until we broke up for unrelated reasons (we're still close friends surprisingly. I've also had a long-distance relationship with another girl since then, but it remained only romantic (nothing sexual involved besides some flirting with calling each other 'hot') but thats come and gone already. I'm currently still single while both my past partners having both moved onto other people) Anywho, I really felt dissapointed by how much I didn't enjoy having sex. I told my girlfriend I didnt want to do it again and although she continued to make sexual advances to me after, we never went beyond french kissing (which also felt gross but I did it because she seemed to enjoy it).

TLDR; I have no desire to engage in the act of sex myself, but I find watching/reading/thinking about other people having it to be arousing, which causes me to masturbate an average amount of time.

Would you consider this to be asexuality or something else? Please share your thoughts and thank you for reading and all answers are greatly appreciated.

[Tessc]

You can totally be asexual and still masturbate! Some aces (myself included) have libido's, but have no desire to participate in the actual act of sex themselves.

Now, we're not actually supposed to tell you your orientation (not that I think anyone else can, really), so I can't actually say "yes, this is what you are". For all I know, you may just be a late bloomer. What I can tell you is that I feel the exact same way about sex. I read and write smutty fanfiction, I read porn, I have fantasies that involve other people, and I masturbate. But I have absolutely no desire to participate in sex myself and that is what defines an asexual from a sexual person: the lack of desire to participate in sex. Hence, I am grey-sexual.

The forums here are brilliant when it comes to learning about the different types (I guess? :/) of asexuality, so maybe taking a look around "The Grey Area" and this "Questions" sections will help you to work out an orientation if you do turn out to be ace. :)

[binary suns]

I watched a lot of porn and masturbated frequently all throughout my teen years.

generally speaking, many asexuals do masturbate, watch porn, read smut, or have sexual fantasies.

I would say that sexual attraction has two aspects to it: 1) focus on an individual person 2) desire or interest in sexual contact with another human

sometimes both of those occur, sometimes only one, (or for an asexual, neither). an asexual would feel little to no sexual attraction, a greysexual would feel only moderate sexual attraction, or their attraction in some way is unreliable or doesn't translate well into sexual activity.

I would say that, considering your age and your current situation as a trans indivdual, these are two ways in which it could be likely that by 5-10 years you might discover more about yourself or experience something new that gives you reason to identify other than asexual.

if you do not feel sexual interest towards others or feel a desire for sexual contact, then ID as ace, or grey, at least for now. If you are unsure, then explore around this site, think about things, and remind yourself that this self-discovery takes time and that's OK :)

[Toricat]

Dude, you pretty much described my experience with sexuality. I used to read a lot of guy/guy smut and I would get turned on but I can't ever put myself into a fantasy. That part grosses me out. Everything else by itself is fine but actually taking part in it, I get so turned off so fast. And I'm not sure honestly if it has something to do with dysphoria. Like is it just because you don't like your parts? I think for me it plays some role at least. I don't personally identify as transgender because well, I don't like the notion of gender so I disregard it, but I do experience dysphoria about my anatomy. So maybe that's something for you to consider? Because not having your ideal body could be a huge turn off. And that wasn't meant to be triggering, so sorry in advance if it was.