Scared after starting to realize what's going on

[ConfusedBF]

Hello everyone!

I'm a 23 year old guy in a relationship with a wonderful girl of my age. We've known each other for five years, been together for three and lived together for one and a half. This relationship has been the first serious one for both of us.

I've been slowly figuring out that our sexualities are somehow different. In the beginning of our relationship we had all kinds of awkward situations regarding sexuality and it took a long time to actually stabilize to what it's been now. I guess back then we brushed it off by thinking that it was just new for both of us to be in a (sexual) relationship. I guess we both we're eager to please each other, and didn't really know what we liked / didn't like ourselves, we we're both distressed about not being able to satisfy the other.

Anyhow, after all this time, what I've learned of us is that:

- I enjoy masturbating and sex a lot
- She doesn't masturbate, and after encouraging her to try it out, she told it felt nice but she didn't see why continue it in the future.
- She very rarely desires sex. Most likely happens when she is tipsy/drunk or we've been a part for a while, say due to a trip.
- She has told me that the thing she enjoys most about sex is seeing how much I enjoy it. // It took me a long time to learn to enjoy sex with her, as I tried my best to first and foremost satisfy her.

- She has told me that outside of relationships, she never feels sexual attraction. // I'm not entirely sure whether she ever feels it towards me, or if she just doesn't dare to say it to me.

- I think she thinks she sees herself somewhat abnormal, but I doubt she has researched what a/demi/greysexuality means, and doesn't acknowledge she might recognize herself. She seems to rather want to avoid the topic, and seems apologetic towards 'not being normal'. I don't know if I should or how to encourage her to understand herself better, as the topic feels so touchy.

- She has mentioned jokingly that she could live the rest of her life without sex.

Our current situation is:

- We have sex every now and then. Considerably less than I would prefer.
- Iniating sex is a painfully difficult art form. On one hand, the less I seem to want sex, the less she feels pressured/guilty and thus more likely to like the idea. And then on the other hand, the more I enjoy sex, she enjoys my enjoyment. => To initiate sex I should somehow both seem to really want it, but not want it at all, which is kind of stressful.

- As the initiation has caused me distress. I've thrown around ideas about perhaps being less spontaneous about it, as adviced somewhere on the internet. i.e. prepare couple-time with a slight indication that it might lead into it. But it seems that she is repulsed by the idea of 'having' to have sex in advance. And can't really be conviced.

- I try my best to never show any of my unhappiness, as she starts to feel guilty and depressed, which mostly just makes me feel worse too.

TLDR;

- I've recently realized I'm most likely in a mixed relationship with an a/demi/greysexual girl.

- Our relationship's sexuality had a very awkward beginning.

- As being in a serious relationship was new for us, I always trusted that it gets better with time. As it has.

- Now that I've begun to realize what's going on. I'm unsure if it will ever get as good as I was hoping for it to become.

- The girl is simply awesome in most other ways. Realizing this has been the first time I've had a second thought if I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

- Reading stuff on the internet like Reddit's /r/deadbedrooms is scary as hell.

Currently we both compromise. Which for the moment I think is satisfactory for both of us.

What I'm worried about is that will she understand how important sexuality is to me in the future? When the responsibilities of the adult life hit, how high will she prioritize my sexual needs? Can she understand them? Will I become one of the /r/deadbedroom horror stories when we have children, buy a house or our jobs become demanding?

Should I, and if so, how to bring it up with her that she might recognize herself being a/demi/greysexual? How do I know if this is something I'm ready to commit to for the rest of my life? It's been easy thus far as I don't think either of us has had to think about having any real compromises.

Sincerely,
A scared boyfriend

[Soup Can]

I think you should tell her about the asexual spectrum. If you're worried she's unhappy, that's only going to get worse if she doesn't know why she is how she is (assuming she is actually on the asexual spectrum). I imagine that your sex life is less likely to deteriorate if you are able to have an open conversation about your sexualities and compromises you're willing to make. If she's left feeling self-conscious and unhappy, that to me seems like what's more likely to lead to an unhappy relationship/sex life. Of course, I have no experience in this area but I strongly recommend you tell her about asexuality. Before I knew about asexuality, I thought I was broken and it was depressing. It's possible she may even be more open to sex if she is able to understand that the way she feels isn't bad and she's not alone in feeling that way; it may even make the experience less stressful but, again, I don't have experience in this area. I find learning about asexuality can also help people understand how significant sex can be for allosexuals.

Things other than asexuality can cause low libido though; that's worth noting too I think.

[ConfusedBF]

I think the whole subject is something that she wished would not exist, and would like to just sweep under the mat. Then again, she loves me, and I love her. I guess me feeling like shit is partly due to feeling guilty about having these thoughts that question our relationship when she clearly has none.

When deciding on relationships. Should I base my decisions on how the relationship feels right now, or how I suspect it to turn out in the future? Would it be cowardish to back out because of fear? I hate myself because of these thoughts..

[Soup Can]

You said she doesn't know about asexuality though. It's possible she doesn't like talking about it because she believes there's something wrong with her; you said she feels "abnormal" but learning about asexuality could help her feel normal. I think it would be good to at least mention it so that she knows she can look into it further if she wants to. I think it's valid to worry about your future but I don't think you should back out of a good relationship without communicating your feelings and fears with her. If you mention your fears and insecurities, she may be able to reassure you. I believe communication is the only way to make any happy relationship work.

[ContentedCentipede]

First of all, welcome to AVEN and thank you for being here! While I don't actually know you, from what I've read here it sounds like you are very sensitive to and considerate of your girlfriend's needs and feelings, despite your differences - and that's awesome! As someone who has been on the other side of a story like yours, I appreciate that you're here, learning about asexuality, and wanting to help your girlfriend without trying to fix her or make her change.

From what you have written about your girlfriend, and her attitude and comments about sex, she is most likely asexual, or somewhere along the asexual spectrum. If she doesn't know and understand this about herself, and that it's okay and completely normal for some of us, she could be feeling any combination of confused, broken, discouraged, out of place, self-conscious, and/or frustrated. Discovering asexuality could be a huge relief for her, if she finds she can relate to other people's experiences and attitudes. It's a great feeling to finally understand and identify what one has been feeling but couldn't describe! It is important for you to talk to your girlfriend about what you're thinking and feeling about sex in your relationship, and I think it would be wise and considerate to mention asexuality. Obviously you know her and can guess how she'll take it, but I would recommend a gentle and non-confrontational approach, and to avoid sounding accusatory. You might point her in the direction of AVEN or encourage her to do a bit of research on her own. Whether she chooses to dig deeper into it or not, and whether she is asexual or not, simply bringing up the topic could cause her to question everything she thinks she knows about herself and that can be incredibly challenging.

Like I mentioned, I can relate to your situation, but from the other side. The first I ever heard about asexuality was when an almost-boyfriend asked, "Are you homosexual? Are you asexual?" in an attempt to understand why I wasn't interested in moving our relationship forward in the same direction he was. I didn't know a person could be asexual, so I said no and tried to brush it off - but the question kept nagging in the back of my mind for a week or so, until I finally looked it up online. I found AVEN and did as much reading, research and journaling as possible for an entire week, and the deeper I dug into it, the more I understood myself and my feelings. It was a scary and difficult period, but eventually it brought great relief when I could say with confidence that I am asexual and I know what I want or don't want.

I hope you talk to your girlfriend and can reach a better understanding for your relationship. Continue to be respectful and supportive of her, and give her lots of time to figure things out if she needs.

[MrDane]

Hello everyone!

I'm a 23 year old guy in a relationship with a wonderful girl of my age. We've known each other for five years, been together for three and lived together for one and a half. This relationship has been the first serious one for both of us.

I've been slowly figuring out that our sexualities are somehow different. In the beginning of our relationship we had all kinds of awkward situations regarding sexuality and it took a long time to actually stabilize to what it's been now. I guess back then we brushed it off by thinking that it was just new for both of us to be in a (sexual) relationship. I guess we both we're eager to please each other, and didn't really know what we liked / didn't like ourselves, we we're both distressed about not being able to satisfy the other.

Anyhow, after all this time, what I've learned of us is that:

- I enjoy masturbating and sex a lot

- She doesn't masturbate, and after encouraging her to try it out, she told it felt nice but she didn't see why continue it in the future.

- She very rarely desires sex. Most likely happens when she is tipsy/drunk or we've been a part for a while, say due to a trip.

- She has told me that the thing she enjoys most about sex is seeing how much I enjoy it. // It took me a long time to learn to enjoy sex with her, as I tried my best to first and foremost satisfy her.

- She has told me that outside of relationships, she never feels sexual attraction. // I'm not entirely sure whether she ever feels it towards me, or if she just doesn't dare to say it to me.

- I think she thinks she sees herself somewhat abnormal, but I doubt she has researched what a/demi/greysexuality means, and doesn't acknowledge she might recognize herself. She seems to rather want to avoid the topic, and seems apologetic towards 'not being normal'. I don't know if I should or how to encourage her to understand herself better, as the topic feels so touchy.

- She has mentioned jokingly that she could live the rest of her life without sex.

Our current situation is:

- We have sex every now and then. Considerably less than I would prefer.

- Iniating sex is a painfully difficult art form. On one hand, the less I seem to want sex, the less she feels pressured/guilty and thus more likely to like the idea. And then on the other hand, the more I enjoy sex, she enjoys my enjoyment. => To initiate sex I should somehow both seem to really want it, but not want it at all, which is kind of stressful.

- As the initiation has caused me distress. I've thrown around ideas about perhaps being less spontaneous about it, as adviced somewhere on the internet. i.e. prepare couple-time with a slight indication that it might lead into it. But it seems that she is repulsed by the idea of 'having' to have sex in advance. And can't really be conviced.

- I try my best to never show any of my unhappiness, as she starts to feel guilty and depressed, which mostly just makes me feel worse too.

TLDR;

- I've recently realized I'm most likely in a mixed relationship with an a/demi/greysexual girl.

- Our relationship's sexuality had a very awkward beginning.

- As being in a serious relationship was new for us, I always trusted that it gets better with time. As it has.

- Now that I've begun to realize what's going on. I'm unsure if it will ever get as good as I was hoping for it to become.

- The girl is simply awesome in most other ways. Realizing this has been the first time I've had a second thought if I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

- Reading stuff on the internet like Reddit's /r/deadbedrooms is scary as hell.

Currently we both compromise. Which for the moment I think is satisfactory for both of us.

What I'm worried about is that will she understand how important sexuality is to me in the future? When the responsibilities of the adult life hit, how high will she prioritize my sexual needs? Can she understand them? Will I become one of the /r/deadbedroom horror stories when we have children, buy a house or our jobs become demanding?

Should I, and if so, how to bring it up with her that she might recognize herself being a/demi/greysexual? How do I know if this is something I'm ready to commit to for the rest of my life? It's been easy thus far as I don't think either of us has had to think about having any real compromises.

Sincerely,

A scared boyfriend

Good writing, my young ConfusedBF!

I was in the same situation, 15 years ago! I am still with the same girl and she is ace, with a bit of an indifference to sex and without much need for other bodily contact from me. We just didnt realize it, untill a few years ago, that she was ace! I kept blaiming other things for the lack of sex and intimacy! Stressful job, me being dull in bed, financial problems, worries about the children,need for sleep... I worked patiently and hard to find ways to fix our sex problems and to make our sex life develop as normal sexuals would. I found good advice in ladies magazines and doctors letterbox, but all seemed to forget about the ace-factor!

I would have liked to know, back then, but i think, it would still be difficult to cope with!

Today, i am with her still, and we have a nice family. We have a mutual agreement on how much sex to have. It is frustrating as hell, though! But better for me, to be with her, than to split up family, since we love eachother and are otherwise a very compatible, wellfuntioning, loving couple!

What I can never have, is her desire for me! So sex is always something we do, because I need it. Luckily, most of the times, she enjoys it! ...or the most of it! Occasional, scheduled by mutual agreement sex in a bit of a not-much-foreplay-style! I do think she gets the same spurks of good hormonoes out of it: stress relief, relationship togetherness-feeling, happy boost! I feel it much more than she does!

[ConfusedBF]

Hello everyone!

I'm a 23 year old guy in a relationship with a wonderful girl of my age. We've known each other for five years, been together for three and lived together for one and a half. This relationship has been the first serious one for both of us.

I've been slowly figuring out that our sexualities are somehow different. In the beginning of our relationship we had all kinds of awkward situations regarding sexuality and it took a long time to actually stabilize to what it's been now. I guess back then we brushed it off by thinking that it was just new for both of us to be in a (sexual) relationship. I guess we both we're eager to please each other, and didn't really know what we liked / didn't like ourselves, we we're both distressed about not being able to satisfy the other.

Anyhow, after all this time, what I've learned of us is that:

- I enjoy masturbating and sex a lot

- She doesn't masturbate, and after encouraging her to try it out, she told it felt nice but she didn't see why continue it in the future.

- She very rarely desires sex. Most likely happens when she is tipsy/drunk or we've been a part for a while, say due to a trip.

- She has told me that the thing she enjoys most about sex is seeing how much I enjoy it. // It took me a long time to learn to enjoy sex with her, as I tried my best to first and foremost satisfy her.

- She has told me that outside of relationships, she never feels sexual attraction. // I'm not entirely sure whether she ever feels it towards me, or if she just doesn't dare to say it to me.

- I think she thinks she sees herself somewhat abnormal, but I doubt she has researched what a/demi/greysexuality means, and doesn't acknowledge she might recognize herself. She seems to rather want to avoid the topic, and seems apologetic towards 'not being normal'. I don't know if I should or how to encourage her to understand herself better, as the topic feels so touchy.

- She has mentioned jokingly that she could live the rest of her life without sex.

Our current situation is:

- We have sex every now and then. Considerably less than I would prefer.

- Iniating sex is a painfully difficult art form. On one hand, the less I seem to want sex, the less she feels pressured/guilty and thus more likely to like the idea. And then on the other hand, the more I enjoy sex, she enjoys my enjoyment. => To initiate sex I should somehow both seem to really want it, but not want it at all, which is kind of stressful.

- As the initiation has caused me distress. I've thrown around ideas about perhaps being less spontaneous about it, as adviced somewhere on the internet. i.e. prepare couple-time with a slight indication that it might lead into it. But it seems that she is repulsed by the idea of 'having' to have sex in advance. And can't really be conviced.

- I try my best to never show any of my unhappiness, as she starts to feel guilty and depressed, which mostly just makes me feel worse too.

TLDR;

- I've recently realized I'm most likely in a mixed relationship with an a/demi/greysexual girl.

- Our relationship's sexuality had a very awkward beginning.

- As being in a serious relationship was new for us, I always trusted that it gets better with time. As it has.

- Now that I've begun to realize what's going on. I'm unsure if it will ever get as good as I was hoping for it to become.

- The girl is simply awesome in most other ways. Realizing this has been the first time I've had a second thought if I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

- Reading stuff on the internet like Reddit's /r/deadbedrooms is scary as hell.

Currently we both compromise. Which for the moment I think is satisfactory for both of us.

What I'm worried about is that will she understand how important sexuality is to me in the future? When the responsibilities of the adult life hit, how high will she prioritize my sexual needs? Can she understand them? Will I become one of the /r/deadbedroom horror stories when we have children, buy a house or our jobs become demanding?

Should I, and if so, how to bring it up with her that she might recognize herself being a/demi/greysexual? How do I know if this is something I'm ready to commit to for the rest of my life? It's been easy thus far as I don't think either of us has had to think about having any real compromises.

Sincerely,

A scared boyfriend

Good writing, my young ConfusedBF!

I was in the same situation, 15 years ago! I am still with the same girl and she is ace, with a bit of an indifference to sex and without much need for other bodily contact from me. We just didnt realize it, untill a few years ago, that she was ace! I kept blaiming other things for the lack of sex and intimacy! Stressful job, me being dull in bed, financial problems, worries about the children,need for sleep... I worked patiently and hard to find ways to fix our sex problems and to make our sex life develop as normal sexuals would. I found good advice in ladies magazines and doctors letterbox, but all seemed to forget about the ace-factor!

I would have liked to know, back then, but i think, it would still be difficult to cope with!

Today, i am with her still, and we have a nice family. We have a mutual agreement on how much sex to have. It is frustrating as hell, though! But better for me, to be with her, than to split up family, since we love eachother and are otherwise a very compatible, wellfuntioning, loving couple!

What I can never have, is her desire for me! So sex is always something we do, because I need it. Luckily, most of the times, she enjoys it! ...or the most of it! Occasional, scheduled by mutual agreement sex in a bit of a not-much-foreplay-style! I do think she gets the same spurks of good hormonoes out of it: stress relief, relationship togetherness-feeling, happy boost! I feel it much more than she does!

I'm so glad you wrote this. All the posts on the internet began to feel like every mixed relationship ends up in both partners being anxious and sex being used as a method of extortion.

I've reached a more positive state of mind regarding our relationship than what I was in last week.

One thing though, as you said you wouldn't want to leave now that you have a nice loving family which it would tear apart. Knowing what you know now, what do you think you should have done fifteen years ago, when you were still dating and didn't have as much that would be torn? Went ahead to be where you are now, or broken up and began searching for a girl that would be both, compatible in the ways your wife is, and regarding sexual orientation?

[Telecaster68]

My wife's become effectively asexual after menopause and having lupus is somewhere in the mix too. Like your gf, she has no sexual desire, no libido, has said she could happily go the rest of her life without sex, and gets no pleasure (mental or physical) from sex. I suggested she might be asexual, once, and she sort of 'hmmm'd, but most she's said, of her volition, most of the things asexuals on AVEN say.

For me, having to simultaneously not want sex and want sex, is a hell of a mind fuck; and so is knowing she's only enjoying it in a kind of abstract, emotional way.

Like you, I've read r/DeadBedrooms a lot. So here's a few answers from my perspective.

What I'm worried about is that will she understand how important sexuality is to me in the future?

She may be able to understand it in a rational, intellectual way, the same as you can understand it's not at all important to her. But that'll be it. If she's asexual, she'll never understand it in a deeper, more visceral way. She'll never desire you. So the question for you is whether after another 15 years of this, you're still so happy with her that you're okay with another 20 years, at least, of the kind of decaffeinated sex you're getting now?

When the responsibilities of the adult life hit, how high will she prioritize my sexual needs?

Almost inevitably, less than you do. She won't ever have the feeling of wanting to wash away a terrible day with some intense sex; or celebrate anything with sex; and probably with routine and adult stresses settling in, it won't even occur to her that you might want to. She might, of course, but sex isn't on her radar at all, so it takes an extra effort on her part to remember, then want to do something that brings her no pleasure, and probably gets more stressful over the years.

Can she understand them?

No. Or at least, only on the same level that you understand that some people like music you don't like.

Will I become one of the /r/deadbedroom horror stories when we have children, buy a house or our jobs become demanding?

Very probably. The question is whether you're okay with this.

She'll probably be feeling the stress and anxiety of all this too, and it'll get worse for both of you, certainly before it gets better, and it may not get better. Getting better won't mean more sex, and being desired. Getting better will mean you accepting little or no sex, and not being desired.

You're young, and without kids, mortgage, etc. This is probably as good as it's going to get with her, sexually. It might be better for both of you to agree to be friends, and free each other up to find somone better matched.

[MrDane]

Hello everyone!

I'm a 23 year old guy in a relationship with a wonderful girl of my age. We've known each other for five years, been together for three and lived together for one and a half. This relationship has been the first serious one for both of us.

I've been slowly figuring out that our sexualities are somehow different. In the beginning of our relationship we had all kinds of awkward situations regarding sexuality and it took a long time to actually stabilize to what it's been now. I guess back then we brushed it off by thinking that it was just new for both of us to be in a (sexual) relationship. I guess we both we're eager to please each other, and didn't really know what we liked / didn't like ourselves, we we're both distressed about not being able to satisfy the other.

Anyhow, after all this time, what I've learned of us is that:

- I enjoy masturbating and sex a lot

- She doesn't masturbate, and after encouraging her to try it out, she told it felt nice but she didn't see why continue it in the future.

- She very rarely desires sex. Most likely happens when she is tipsy/drunk or we've been a part for a while, say due to a trip.

- She has told me that the thing she enjoys most about sex is seeing how much I enjoy it. // It took me a long time to learn to enjoy sex with her, as I tried my best to first and foremost satisfy her.

- She has told me that outside of relationships, she never feels sexual attraction. // I'm not entirely sure whether she ever feels it towards me, or if she just doesn't dare to say it to me.

- I think she thinks she sees herself somewhat abnormal, but I doubt she has researched what a/demi/greysexuality means, and doesn't acknowledge she might recognize herself. She seems to rather want to avoid the topic, and seems apologetic towards 'not being normal'. I don't know if I should or how to encourage her to understand herself better, as the topic feels so touchy.

- She has mentioned jokingly that she could live the rest of her life without sex.

Our current situation is:

- We have sex every now and then. Considerably less than I would prefer.

- Iniating sex is a painfully difficult art form. On one hand, the less I seem to want sex, the less she feels pressured/guilty and thus more likely to like the idea. And then on the other hand, the more I enjoy sex, she enjoys my enjoyment. => To initiate sex I should somehow both seem to really want it, but not want it at all, which is kind of stressful.

- As the initiation has caused me distress. I've thrown around ideas about perhaps being less spontaneous about it, as adviced somewhere on the internet. i.e. prepare couple-time with a slight indication that it might lead into it. But it seems that she is repulsed by the idea of 'having' to have sex in advance. And can't really be conviced.

- I try my best to never show any of my unhappiness, as she starts to feel guilty and depressed, which mostly just makes me feel worse too.

TLDR;

- I've recently realized I'm most likely in a mixed relationship with an a/demi/greysexual girl.

- Our relationship's sexuality had a very awkward beginning.

- As being in a serious relationship was new for us, I always trusted that it gets better with time. As it has.

- Now that I've begun to realize what's going on. I'm unsure if it will ever get as good as I was hoping for it to become.

- The girl is simply awesome in most other ways. Realizing this has been the first time I've had a second thought if I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

- Reading stuff on the internet like Reddit's /r/deadbedrooms is scary as hell.

Currently we both compromise. Which for the moment I think is satisfactory for both of us.

What I'm worried about is that will she understand how important sexuality is to me in the future? When the responsibilities of the adult life hit, how high will she prioritize my sexual needs? Can she understand them? Will I become one of the /r/deadbedroom horror stories when we have children, buy a house or our jobs become demanding?

Should I, and if so, how to bring it up with her that she might recognize herself being a/demi/greysexual? How do I know if this is something I'm ready to commit to for the rest of my life? It's been easy thus far as I don't think either of us has had to think about having any real compromises.

Sincerely,

A scared boyfriend

Good writing, my young ConfusedBF!

I was in the same situation, 15 years ago! I am still with the same girl and she is ace, with a bit of an indifference to sex and without much need for other bodily contact from me. We just didnt realize it, untill a few years ago, that she was ace! I kept blaiming other things for the lack of sex and intimacy! Stressful job, me being dull in bed, financial problems, worries about the children,need for sleep... I worked patiently and hard to find ways to fix our sex problems and to make our sex life develop as normal sexuals would. I found good advice in ladies magazines and doctors letterbox, but all seemed to forget about the ace-factor!

I would have liked to know, back then, but i think, it would still be difficult to cope with!

Today, i am with her still, and we have a nice family. We have a mutual agreement on how much sex to have. It is frustrating as hell, though! But better for me, to be with her, than to split up family, since we love eachother and are otherwise a very compatible, wellfuntioning, loving couple!

What I can never have, is her desire for me! So sex is always something we do, because I need it. Luckily, most of the times, she enjoys it! ...or the most of it! Occasional, scheduled by mutual agreement sex in a bit of a not-much-foreplay-style! I do think she gets the same spurks of good hormonoes out of it: stress relief, relationship togetherness-feeling, happy boost! I feel it much more than she does!

I'm so glad you wrote this. All the posts on the internet began to feel like every mixed relationship ends up in both partners being anxious and sex being used as a method of extortion.

I've reached a more positive state of mind regarding our relationship than what I was in last week.

One thing though, as you said you wouldn't want to leave now that you have a nice loving family which it would tear apart. Knowing what you know now, what do you think you should have done fifteen years ago, when you were still dating and didn't have as much that would be torn? Went ahead to be where you are now, or broken up and began searching for a girl that would be both, compatible in the ways your wife is, and regarding sexual orientation?

I would like to erase those times/hours/nights where I was feeling like we drifted apart because of the wrong reasons. Im glad, that I didnt know, (15 years ago) because I would have been to afraid to venture on with an otherwise perfect girl, but luckily I managed and today I love her so much. I need her and she needs me, though not in the same way obviously! I would probably have ended the relationship, and the result would not be more hapiness. More sex and someone who liked sex, sure, but it would never be full of the same amount of quality, that she posseses. As the saying goes: Im a better man, when Im with her! ...and I even like me better!

I think, I would have left her, and would still be worrying, if that was such a good idea. I have had other girlfriends before, but though the times in between sex where never as good as it is now. I really value being with my wife.

...but sex and closeness and togetherness and companionship and exclusiveness and reassurements of mutual love are all very important, and it is ok to to say if you feel 'left behind'!

We dont fight, quarrel or disagree on any other important things. So I guess, this is our obstacle and I intend to work on it to find good solutions. What I do not want, is her to say: 'nevermind! Its your problem!'because it is our, not mine, not hers!

[MrDane]

Hello everyone!

I'm a 23 year old guy in a relationship with a wonderful girl of my age. We've known each other for five years, been together for three and lived together for one and a half. This relationship has been the first serious one for both of us.

I've been slowly figuring out that our sexualities are somehow different. In the beginning of our relationship we had all kinds of awkward situations regarding sexuality and it took a long time to actually stabilize to what it's been now. I guess back then we brushed it off by thinking that it was just new for both of us to be in a (sexual) relationship. I guess we both we're eager to please each other, and didn't really know what we liked / didn't like ourselves, we we're both distressed about not being able to satisfy the other.

Anyhow, after all this time, what I've learned of us is that:

- I enjoy masturbating and sex a lot

- She doesn't masturbate, and after encouraging her to try it out, she told it felt nice but she didn't see why continue it in the future.

- She very rarely desires sex. Most likely happens when she is tipsy/drunk or we've been a part for a while, say due to a trip.

- She has told me that the thing she enjoys most about sex is seeing how much I enjoy it. // It took me a long time to learn to enjoy sex with her, as I tried my best to first and foremost satisfy her.

- She has told me that outside of relationships, she never feels sexual attraction. // I'm not entirely sure whether she ever feels it towards me, or if she just doesn't dare to say it to me.

- I think she thinks she sees herself somewhat abnormal, but I doubt she has researched what a/demi/greysexuality means, and doesn't acknowledge she might recognize herself. She seems to rather want to avoid the topic, and seems apologetic towards 'not being normal'. I don't know if I should or how to encourage her to understand herself better, as the topic feels so touchy.

- She has mentioned jokingly that she could live the rest of her life without sex.

Our current situation is:

- We have sex every now and then. Considerably less than I would prefer.

- Iniating sex is a painfully difficult art form. On one hand, the less I seem to want sex, the less she feels pressured/guilty and thus more likely to like the idea. And then on the other hand, the more I enjoy sex, she enjoys my enjoyment. => To initiate sex I should somehow both seem to really want it, but not want it at all, which is kind of stressful.

- As the initiation has caused me distress. I've thrown around ideas about perhaps being less spontaneous about it, as adviced somewhere on the internet. i.e. prepare couple-time with a slight indication that it might lead into it. But it seems that she is repulsed by the idea of 'having' to have sex in advance. And can't really be conviced.

- I try my best to never show any of my unhappiness, as she starts to feel guilty and depressed, which mostly just makes me feel worse too.

TLDR;

- I've recently realized I'm most likely in a mixed relationship with an a/demi/greysexual girl.

- Our relationship's sexuality had a very awkward beginning.

- As being in a serious relationship was new for us, I always trusted that it gets better with time. As it has.

- Now that I've begun to realize what's going on. I'm unsure if it will ever get as good as I was hoping for it to become.

- The girl is simply awesome in most other ways. Realizing this has been the first time I've had a second thought if I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

- Reading stuff on the internet like Reddit's /r/deadbedrooms is scary as hell.

Currently we both compromise. Which for the moment I think is satisfactory for both of us.

What I'm worried about is that will she understand how important sexuality is to me in the future? When the responsibilities of the adult life hit, how high will she prioritize my sexual needs? Can she understand them? Will I become one of the /r/deadbedroom horror stories when we have children, buy a house or our jobs become demanding?

Should I, and if so, how to bring it up with her that she might recognize herself being a/demi/greysexual? How do I know if this is something I'm ready to commit to for the rest of my life? It's been easy thus far as I don't think either of us has had to think about having any real compromises.

Sincerely,

A scared boyfriend

Good writing, my young ConfusedBF!

I was in the same situation, 15 years ago! I am still with the same girl and she is ace, with a bit of an indifference to sex and without much need for other bodily contact from me. We just didnt realize it, untill a few years ago, that she was ace! I kept blaiming other things for the lack of sex and intimacy! Stressful job, me being dull in bed, financial problems, worries about the children,need for sleep... I worked patiently and hard to find ways to fix our sex problems and to make our sex life develop as normal sexuals would. I found good advice in ladies magazines and doctors letterbox, but all seemed to forget about the ace-factor!

I would have liked to know, back then, but i think, it would still be difficult to cope with!

Today, i am with her still, and we have a nice family. We have a mutual agreement on how much sex to have. It is frustrating as hell, though! But better for me, to be with her, than to split up family, since we love eachother and are otherwise a very compatible, wellfuntioning, loving couple!

What I can never have, is her desire for me! So sex is always something we do, because I need it. Luckily, most of the times, she enjoys it! ...or the most of it! Occasional, scheduled by mutual agreement sex in a bit of a not-much-foreplay-style! I do think she gets the same spurks of good hormonoes out of it: stress relief, relationship togetherness-feeling, happy boost! I feel it much more than she does!

I'm so glad you wrote this. All the posts on the internet began to feel like every mixed relationship ends up in both partners being anxious and sex being used as a method of extortion.

I've reached a more positive state of mind regarding our relationship than what I was in last week.

One thing though, as you said you wouldn't want to leave now that you have a nice loving family which it would tear apart. Knowing what you know now, what do you think you should have done fifteen years ago, when you were still dating and didn't have as much that would be torn? Went ahead to be where you are now, or broken up and began searching for a girl that would be both, compatible in the ways your wife is, and regarding sexual orientation?

I would like to erase those times/hours/nights where I was feeling like we drifted apart because of the wrong reasons. Im glad, that I didnt know, (15 years ago) because I would have been to afraid to venture on with an otherwise perfect girl, but luckily I managed and today I love her so much. I need her and she needs me, though not in the same way obviously! I would probably have ended the relationship, and the result would not be more hapiness. More sex and someone who liked sex, sure, but it would never be full of the same amount of quality, that she posseses. As the saying goes: Im a better man, when Im with her! ...and I even like me better!

I think, I would have left her, and would still be worrying, if that was such a good idea. I have had other girlfriends before, but though the times in between sex where never as good as it is now. I really value being with my wife.

...but sex and closeness and togetherness and companionship and exclusiveness and reassurements of mutual love are all very important, and it is ok to to say if you feel 'left behind'!

We dont fight, quarrel or disagree on any other important things. So I guess, this is our obstacle and I intend to work on it to find good solutions. What I do not want, is her to say: 'nevermind! Its your problem!'because it is our, not mine, not hers!

[jo351010]

Hello everyone!

I have been in a romantic relationship with a 36 year old heteroromantic asexual female for the past nine months and we have fallen deeply in love. I am a 31 year old heteroromantic heterosexual male and of course I have a physical disability that often interferes with our sex life.

Lately I have found a way to masturbate and she has become jealous. When I found out how I could do it, I honestly thought she would be super excited because it would take a lot of pressure off of her. However, that was not the case. She said that she enjoys pleasing me but feels pressure sometimes to do so. That is exactly why I thought she would be excited. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for by posting this but any thoughts or suggestions/comments would be greatly appreciated.

Happy Asexual Awareness Week!!!