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Asexual with a Heterosexual


Taratango

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Hey guys,
Right now, I'm dealing with some family and friends who have no idea what asexuality is, and they either don't even believe it's a thing (that I'm just suppressed or a late bloomer) or they think I'm lying.
And my second issue is, while I'm lucky enough to have a boyfriend who fully understands and accepts my asexuality, he is a heterosexual with a VERY high sexual drive. I feel extremely guilty, because even though he says that it's fine (that he will never force me into something I don't want to do and he will still love me even if we never have sex), I know he is extremely sexually frustrated. I feel like I should just do it with him, because I just want him to be happy.
I wouldn't want him to go out and have sex with someone else, and he doesn't want to either.
I've actually offered, by he said no in fear that he is "forcing [his] sexual orientation on [me]". But I feel like if we don't, I'm forcing my sexual orientation on him. I feel like such a bad and selfish person for not just going through with it, and I'm starting to think I'm not good enough for this guy.
Is/has anyone going/gone through a similar thing? Any advice?

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Hello dear. I might not have the same problem as I'm not into a relationship but I understand how you feel. It's wonderful that he accepts you and it's normal that you feel guilty but that would never give him the right to cheat on you. If you two are together for a long time (a year for example) and he's 100% ok with it you shouldn't feel but at all. But don't you ever do something for fear of loosing him because love doesn't work that way. If he's ok with you he shouldn't mention sex but if he wants it, I'm afraid it might not work out in the future. Anyway, you two should talk more about it, and ask him what he really wants. If he loves you with all his heart you should both be ok right now.

And I'm sure his hand can do the work for him XD (Sorry about that)

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I'm basically in the same situation so you are not alone! I'm asexual and was with a heterosexual guy who has a seemingly high libido. He told me he doesn't mind not having sex (maybe not even ever) pretty much said he doesn't care if he remains a virgin his whole life. We are taking a bit of a break at the moment (not due to our orientations) but it's only been about 4 months since we first got together although we were very close friends before that.

I like to be optimistic and hope for the best but I am also extremely worried that our orientations will clash so much that either major compromises must be made or a break up will be inevitable.

In regards to your relationship, I don't really have any good advice, sorry! But I will say that mixed relationships can and do work if effort is put in and if both people are accepting and understanding of the other's orientation. I personally would never consider an open relationship but it can work for some couples. If you are not sex-repulsed and don't mind having sex, there is always the possibility of that type of compromise and that can work with some asexuals as well but obviously it depends on the person. I cannot see myself compromising and having sex but that may change.

I would suggest looking at other threads in the Asexual Relationships topic as there are many similar posts and some great discussions that provide insight into mixed relationships and such.

Anyway, sorry if this wasn't of much help! I really hope it works out for the two of you so good luck :)

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Are you sex-repulsed at all? If not then it might be worth doing it at least a little, it would improve things a lot for him wild not effecting you much. If you are sex-repulsed then that could be more of a problem. Really you should try to work it out with him and ideally reach a compromise.

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You're probably needlessly feeling bad for no reason.

You're both presumably grown adults, yes? If he weren't happy being with you, he would be free to choose to leave, just as if you weren't happy being with him, you would be free to choose to leave. Do you think he's staying with you in the hopes you eventually change your mind, or do you think he's staying with you because he genuinely likes you?

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Hello dear. I might not have the same problem as I'm not into a relationship but I understand how you feel. It's wonderful that he accepts you and it's normal that you feel guilty but that would never give him the right to cheat on you. If you two are together for a long time (a year for example) and he's 100% ok with it you shouldn't feel but at all. But don't you ever do something for fear of loosing him because love doesn't work that way. If he's ok with you he shouldn't mention sex but if he wants it, I'm afraid it might not work out in the future. Anyway, you two should talk more about it, and ask him what he really wants. If he loves you with all his heart you should both be ok right now.

And I'm sure his hand can do the work for him XD (Sorry about that)

Thank you for your response. You know, it's funny because he said that exact thing, "my hand can do the work in the toilet" haha :D

I don't fear losing him so much (we've been together for over a year, and still seem to be going strong), but I know he wants it, and it's equivalent to me forcing him to eat food he doesn't like for the rest of his life. I don't think it's fair.

I'm basically in the same situation so you are not alone! I'm asexual and was with a heterosexual guy who has a seemingly high libido. He told me he doesn't mind not having sex (maybe not even ever) pretty much said he doesn't care if he remains a virgin his whole life. We are taking a bit of a break at the moment (not due to our orientations) but it's only been about 4 months since we first got together although we were very close friends before that.

I like to be optimistic and hope for the best but I am also extremely worried that our orientations will clash so much that either major compromises must be made or a break up will be inevitable.

In regards to your relationship, I don't really have any good advice, sorry! But I will say that mixed relationships can and do work if effort is put in and if both people are accepting and understanding of the other's orientation. I personally would never consider an open relationship but it can work for some couples. If you are not sex-repulsed and don't mind having sex, there is always the possibility of that type of compromise and that can work with some asexuals as well but obviously it depends on the person. I cannot see myself compromising and having sex but that may change.

I would suggest looking at other threads in the Asexual Relationships topic as there are many similar posts and some great discussions that provide insight into mixed relationships and such.

Anyway, sorry if this wasn't of much help! I really hope it works out for the two of you so good luck :)

Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience, any advice is welcomed and much appreciated :)

I hope you can work things out with your partner, let's hope for the best!

I don't think I'm sex-repulsed, if anything probably just neutral. I view it in a clinical sense, at best it seems like a good massage. So maybe I can probably come to a compromise and partake in sexual intercourse in the future when I wrap my mind around it.

I will definitely check the other threads on Asexual relationships, thanks for letting me know about them.

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Are you sex-repulsed at all? If not then it might be worth doing it at least a little, it would improve things a lot for him wild not effecting you much. If you are sex-repulsed then that could be more of a problem. Really you should try to work it out with him and ideally reach a compromise.

Thank you for your reply :)

I don't think I'm sex-repulsed, I don't completely know yet as I have never tried sex before. But I'm assuming I'm not since we've actually tried other things like fingering. At first, I hated fingering and even though I completely consented to it, I still felt violated for some reason. But now, I'm actually okay with it as I've gotten comfortable to it and it feels fine.

So maybe the same thing can happen with sexual intercourse. Will definitely try and compromise!

You're probably needlessly feeling bad for no reason.

You're both presumably grown adults, yes? If he weren't happy being with you, he would be free to choose to leave, just as if you weren't happy being with him, you would be free to choose to leave. Do you think he's staying with you in the hopes you eventually change your mind, or do you think he's staying with you because he genuinely likes you?

I'm pretty sure he is staying with me for me, if he was in it for sex, I'd definitely be the LAST person for he would go for. He had been asking me out for a year prior to when we started our relationship, so I'm not particularly worried about him wanting someone else just yet.

I just feel like I'm doing an injustice because I know he really wants to (he is probably secretly hoping that we can do it one day). I'm also worried because he is a pretty touchy feely person (he is an ENFJ, as I see you're interested in MBTI from your tag), and is prone to feeling unwanted if I don't show as much affection. I'm not really good at showing affection in general, and me already having a lack of sexual attraction to him didn't help at all with that.

I think the least I can do is try :) Thank you for your insightful response.

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Sucks :C Same situation. Thankfully not a high drive. I do it largely to keep the peace in the relationship. It's tough because he knows I'm asexual, but it makes him feel like shit I'm not attracted to him. He seems to think it's him? So I kinda play along pretending to be into sex which causes it's own problems as he know's in an act. :c

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I've been in this same situation twice: first due to not knowing asexuality exists, and second due to confusion on how to navigate a relationship when the issue of my asexuality became too much for the other person to live with. Both relationships lasted for 2+ years before they inevitably collapsed. Quite honestly, I haven't figured out a way to be with a sexual person without compromising and consenting to sex on a regular basis. If my partner got what they wanted, I felt used, and if I got what I wanted, my partner was sexually frustrated and passive aggressive. My relationships ended because it was too uncomfortable to continue, and dealing with passive aggressive behavior concerning something I felt I couldn't control made me dislike them overtime anyway. I knew it wouldn't work in the long run, regardless of my hopes.

You're not selfish for rejecting sex. It's not something you owe to anyone. I say this lightly and with care, but perhaps you two are not compatible if there isn't a compromise that can be reached where both of you are happy in the long term. However, if you're both willing to put forth the effort and try, always communicate your needs or discomforts honestly.

Good luck!

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Planthater and Ghost-light-I've appreciated your responses, as they relate to my own situation. I am really trying to figure out how to keep things going the way they are, because it gets hard sometimes.

Taratango, I am an ace married to a heterosexual with a high sex drive, and I am not sex-repulsed. When we met and married, I had never heard of ace. Sex was problematic for me, so I went to a sex therapist (after a medical doc, etc.). Nevertheless, I didn't realize I was ace until about last May/June. I told my husband, and he said it made a lot of sense.

It hasn't changed anything though (which is frustrating). I have always had sex with him to make him happy, although not as much as he would like. He's always known it was part of the deal. I am trying to figure out myself how to come to terms with this, exactly. I view sex as a chore that I get through, much like doing laundry (I'd rather do laundry, though, so maybe like ironing, which I hate). I can sometimes enjoy it, in that I can get away with lots of stuff (this generally entails me kissing his belly, which is very ticklish. He laughs like mad, and I think it is adorable) and my "brownie point meter" goes way up, and sometimes I just enjoy the powerful feeling of making him feel really good. We know what I can and can't do, and we are both okay with it.

Why do I do it, since I don't like it? The short answer is that I love him like crazy and I can't imagine life without him. This is one thing that makes him very happy, and I do want him to be happy. Would things be different if I had known before we married? Maybe. I can't really say. I do believe that he would not have pursued the relationship if a complete lack of sex was part of the deal, in which case, it would have been up to me to decide. I thought I had some sort of "dysfunction" that I could fix, though. So, I live the life I have, and other than sex, I am really happy, but I am not going to say it is easy, and it's not for everyone.

If anything ever happened, though, I would never seek another sexual relationship. That in itself would be really hard, because I am extremely affectionate and I adore cuddling. I am currently trying to figure out if I can ask him to "do some research" so we can find a better middle ground that satisfies us both.

I dunno if this helps. It's a different perspective from what others have said, and you do need to know if this is going to be something he needs.

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