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When do you tell people you're asexual?


rainycity

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I "came out" earlier this year to my sister and my best friend. My other friends don't know, but it doesn't seem like... it hasn't really come up? And it'd feel weird to bring it up out of nowhere. But then they try to talk to me about their sex lives and I can't relate, and it feels like I'd be much more comfortable if they just knew. So I might tell them soon. I think it's time.

I want to get into the dating scene, but I'm not sure how to do it. Certainly, I don't think it's appropriate for me to use tinder or a typical hookup app. And do I write "asexual" on my profile? I feel like it's important for people to know, but then it feels like it's my only defining thing.

What about more organic relationships? I have a friend, who I have a big squish on, and who's admitted to having a crush on me (at which point I quickly laughed and scuttled away). I kind of want to open that up, but I think I'd just have to tell her I'm ace before we even decide if we want to try it.

What about a blind date with a friend of a friend? You're just figuring out if you like each other, even personality-wise. You wouldn't be like "by the way I'm a furry" or "I love blowjobs" on the first date, like kink stuff, so I'm not obligated to be like "by the way if we go out, no sex ever okay?" It seems like... presumptive, somehow. Like writing the postnuptial on the third date. But I'd definitely want to get it out in the air before like, make-outs and stuff started happening, because that stuff makes me sooo uncomfortable.

There's also the fear of scaring everyone off before they get to know me, of course, but I'm more worried about really falling for someone and then telling them I'm ace and they leave.

When do you normally bring it up? What do you think is appropriate?

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you will tell peopl when you feel up to it. it took me ages till i discovered who i was as an asexual. just be true to yourself. and trust when is right to speak out about your asexuality

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FerlynnGoldbeard

When I was first coming out I made it a point to tell specific friends and family. My opinion on coming out to the general public is that I wouldn't tell anyone I was heterosexual, so I won't tell them I'm anything different? Anymore, the only time I tell people is either at an event, or if it comes up in conversation.

There's no right time to tell people. Be yourself. Tell who you want. Be safe.

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That's exactly it! I wouldn't point out being straight, so why should I point out being ace?

But I guess my question got a little muddled. What I'm really asking is... when do you tell a partner, or a potential partner? At what point in a young, romanticish relationship do you bring it up? (And not "should" bring it up, I'm not asking for advice. I'm just curious about what other aces do and their experiences.)

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nanogretchen4

Heterosexuals don't point out that they are heterosexual because that is the default assumption. The great majority of the human population is in fact heterosexual. If you go on a date with someone of the opposite sex and keep quiet, what you are doing is passing as heterosexual on purpose to have access to a larger, more convenient dating pool. Let's at least call it what it is.

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Heterosexuals don't point out that they are heterosexual because that is the default assumption. The great majority of the human population is in fact heterosexual. If you go on a date with someone of the opposite sex and keep quiet, what you are doing is passing as heterosexual on purpose to have access to a larger, more convenient dating pool. Let's at least call it what it is.

Good point, Nanogretchen, about the default assumption and the convenient dating pool!

Which kind of an asexual is the OP? Totally repulsed and freaked out or could be ok, with certain levels/activities of intimacy? How old?

Rainycity, Just dont pretend or lie or give promises that you are not interested in keeping! ...but ease into it!

Say: "im very private about my body and I need my private space. Im dating to find a good partner, not to find a good bedmate"

Dont say: " hi, im rainy! The mere thought of your body naked, next to mine disgusts me. I hate genitals. Dont touch me, ever! ...and how are you?"

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Okay I was wondering this as well. So I'm currently in a relationship with someone who is sexual and when we first started dating I didnt really know I was asexual. I kind of knew I was different and didn't like sex but I guess I didn't think of it as a sexuality. I thought something was wrong with me. Idk. But when we were first getting together I got really nervous because I was afraid he would soon start getting the idea that we should move forward like in a normal sexual relationship. To be fair we weren't fully in a relationship yet but we were in the "talking" phase and hanging out and stuff and I began to worry about leading him on. I eventually awkwardly talked about it and ended up saying something along the lines of sex isn't important to me and it's not what I seek in a relationship and I'm a bit of what some might call a "prude". Welp, that wasn't the best way to put it but I didn't have the words for it at the time. Later when I found out, I did formally tell him I thought I was asexual, but I just got so nervous about trying to explain before we were dating. It does seem presumptuous to just start talking about not wanting to have sex with someone when that's not even on the table yet. It's especially not so cut and dry in an organic relationship where you don't always start off going into it with the intention to date or be in a relationship. That's a really tough thing and I certainly don't have an answer to what is right. I kind of mucked it up in my relationship (I mean it turned out alright but I think I worded it in a way that invalidated my sexuality). I'm curious to see what others have to say.

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For my peers, I just made a big old Facebook post and hid the adults/family members I didn't want to see it. I told romantic partners the second I was comfortable, because I feel like it comes up a lot more there, in more immediate/important-to-address ways. And my family doesn't know. I don't hide the fact that I don't look at people sexually/don't personally find anything appealing about sexual activities/etc. but I haven't made it known that it's a full-blown sexual orientation because I don't wanna stir the pot or anything. But that's me personally. All I can say is when it comes to partners, don't do anything before you're ready, but try to be as honest as you can as soon as you can because it does come into play a lot in relationships.

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So for me, OKCupid was a good choice for a dating site. It has an asexual sexuality descriptor, and there's more than enough space to write a more specific description if you want. Also, it has a good number of queers and not a inconsiderable amount of asexuals. I met my asexual girlfriend on OKC and personally, i felt more comfortable from the get-go knowing that both of us were ace. Still, they brought it up casually in conversation a few weeks after we met, and we talked about both of our views on sex before we formally started dating.

It's really when you feel comfortable bringing it up, but I would think you should probably talk about it before you DTR, at the least.

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been in two short term relationships both guys thought i needed "fixing" so to speak. though i have found when you find the right person when you tell them. but that would depend on how comfortable you feel to disclose and or when to say you are asexual.

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Usally, I tell people when the subject comes up. Well, for most of the time. When I first realised I was asexual I told my family, boyfriend and some friends. About relationships and that part, I belive it can be hard... I mean you have to tell them sooner rather than later, But personaly I woudn't write it on a dating site. It is a part of you but there is so much more to a relationship that sex... I think you should bring it up when you alredy know the person a bit, so you have a clue about how they will react and so on ^^

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