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Starting the Healing?- sexual female with asexual/ grey sexual male partner


Waking Persephone

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Waking Persephone

So glad I found AVEN and all of these personal, caring, supportive, wise, comforting, hard truths posts. Thanks to you all, I've found such solace and the beginnings of understanding here even before this, my first post.

I have been with my partner for coming up on 7 years. I am someone who loves sexuality- I can't conceive of anything more magical, loving, intimate, powerful, delicious, and fun in the entire universe. As for my partner- it isn't my place to make labels for him but the descriptions here for grey sexual to asexual fit very well what I have experienced in my relationship with him.

But NOT AT FIRST. One of the reasons we got together is because, oh the irony, we were so sexually compatible. He was more sexual than I was! I loved it! We moved in together after just 3 months, and then passion was like a light switch that just turned off in him. That is part of why it hurt(s) so damn much. What the hell happened? Why did I loose him? After we bought the house we are living in, just before we had moved anything over, I brought blankets and champagne and strawberries and candles and asked him to meet me there to "christen" the house good and proper before we started our life there. And that was it, that was the first time that he was so oddly cold and avoided me and went alone to look at paint chips in the basement and then left me hurt and baffled in awkwardly unappreciated lingerie. To this day, I just don't understand what turned his passion off so suddenly, and it drives me CRAZY. What happened?? I read that this is not so unusual for low sexual people to be sexual at times, but I just am having a really hard time not taking it very, very personally. Like, "well you WERE interested in me, big time, so what the hell did I do wrong and why aren't you now??" Is this common? I have suspected that something about the commitment of living together turned him off. Anyone have insight there? Anyway, that was that, and I've spent 7 years trying to get his attention back. It's been pretty sad.

I have asked him about his past so I now know that the intense sexuality that I experienced for the first few months was an anomaly. He had relationships in the past that I happen to know were very sexual, which also lead me to believe that all this "rejection" was my inadequacy, that I was "less than" his few previous (all very beautiful, not helpful!) girlfriends. But upon further investigation it turns out that he only had sex when a sexually pushy partner took charge, and usually was very drunk sex. I am more into the give-and-take, not domination, so not interested in being pushy- and he doesn't drink anymore. Generally in his life he has had long periods of being celibate, and is interested in masterbation only once a month or less as a "functional release".

It seems that he can like sex but it is just about 1,000th on the priority list- and so I feel like I'm about 1,000th on his priority list. Reading here (AVEN), I have stopped to think "am I REALLY 1,000th on his priority list? No. So why does having sex with me being 1,000th on his priority list (read- never feels like it) make me feel like I'M 1,000th on his priority list?" Good question. I don't know yet, that's probably messed up and I'm getting the inkling that I need to look further for his interest in me than sex. It just is a very new concept to me, and it still really, really is difficult to think that sexual interest does not reflect love interest. Sex with me is completely over-ridden by grocery shopping, work stress, the dishes, mowing the lawn, meeting up with his friends, having eaten recently, having not eaten recently, I'm asking and so I'm being too pushy, I'm not asking enough and need to be more forward, the dog needs to go out, endless "reasons". It still feels like rejection, and like I'm not a priority, and feels like shit. And I'm angry, and resentful. Especially because I've conveyed a million times how vital sexuality is to me, and still he doesn't make room for it. How does that not feel like shit, when you tell your partner you need sex with him like you need food, and still the laundry gets priority?? I get that I need to re-asses that judgement. But it's where I'm at right this moment, hurting. I think that if he were able to say "honey, I love you, and I just have no interest in sex with you or anyone else" it would be difficult but I would feel so much better than the excuses that I try to "fix" or argue against, to be met with only more infuriating and insulting excuses. "Sexual orientation that is just who I am" is a hell of a better reason than wanting to watch TV.

He was raised in the Mid-West in a family/ culture that taught him a definition of being a man that does NOT include being OK with sexual orientations that are different than sexual hetero male. He is absolutely mortified at the thought of any other sexual identity or un-sexual identity. Fine for other people, sure, that can be celebrated, but for HIMSELF- no way. There is obviously a lot of pain in him that I hope he will work out and find greater acceptance for whatever he genuinely feels rather than what society (and I, unknowingly) have put on him. So, I have much love and much compassion for what is driving his denial that hurts us both so much.

But what I really want to talk about is myself, Ho-ly Sheep Shit, IT HURTS. Dear god does it hurt. I feel destroyed. It has been 7 YEARS of me thinking, "what is wrong with me? What have I done wrong??" alternating with being so indescribably frustrated and angry at him. My self esteem is completely garbage, which was never my normal state before this relationship. Depression, big time. I was diagnosed with cancer- partly genetic and whatever else but I know in my heart it was also partly the stress and hating myself and my life. So many times I've been in a ball on the floor sobbing, feeling that my heart and my soul were literally shattered and aching from the rejection and coldness and his baffling lack of interest, lack of wanting me.

Because my guy was in his own hell of shame and denial, he made excuses of every sort that lead me on and, sometimes, very painfully put it on me. What finally got me to this website was yesterday morning when he again said, "the problem is you, and the pressure you put on me. You just want sex all the time- unless I give you sex 24-7 you will never be satisfied, no matter what I do you will never be satisfied." For some context: yes I love sex, a few times a month would be fantastic- we have sex maybe 6 times a year. And the reason this came up was that after our most recent "talk" about sex (read- me bringing up my sadness and wanting to know what does/ doesn't work for him, why he has no sexual interest for me), he said that he was used to women that were more sexually aggressive and he could never tell when I was open to it, it was my fault for not being clearer. So I was extra affectionate a few times, kissed him in a different way, nibbled his ear... and nothing, no spark from him, no reaction. And it made me so sad. So I tried talking to him again, and those horribly hurtful words above were his response.

It occurred to me that this, and so much of what he has said to me, is sexual shaming. And I've bought into it. Instead of sobbing all day like I usually would have, I ended up very pissed off. Ok to be honest the pissed off was mixed with some crying :) but hey at least I was also standing up for myself.

The thing is, because my poor guy feels ashamed of his lack of "manliness" (as he sees it), and because I had no idea how to look at this besides something needed to be fixed in him or me or with us, we just have become so triggered and wounded, both of us living in shame and sadness. This has been destroying us- not just as a couple, but also as people. I have NEVER had low self esteem like this, never been ashamed of my sexuality (very much the opposite, I have always been proud and looked for new ways to enjoy it), never been so broken and confused. Never felt so disempowered- not just in this situation, I mean in life. I am a mess. I am depressed, don't do the things I used to love to do, am consumed by this pain and loneliness.

To me, sex is not just getting off. That part is nice, but that is 1/ millionth of what it is emotionally and spiritually (to me). The intimacy, the love and bonding that happens with sex, the oxytocin and dopamine rush that happens with sex with someone I love, the spiritual awakening, the feminine power of beauty and sexuality... feeling beautiful and sensual, and bringing that power and energy into the rest of my life to create and laugh and feel like a beautiful, powerful being... that has all been lost. It has been replaced by this horrible longing and sadness and rejection and anger and loneliness. It's not just "sex" to me. I don't sing anymore, I don't dance, I don't go out to the woods to hike or camp. I don't spend time with friends. I really don't do anything, I'm just so exhausted from this horrible drama that has me feeling wanting and disempowered and angry and generally feeling like shit.

I want to find my way back to my life, to who I used to be. I think that what I need is to hear from others who are in or have been in this pain. I have been pining over a man who just doesn't get it, why it's such a big deal, and who has told me I'm too demanding, too sexual. I am ashamed and hurting and misunderstood by the one person I care most about. I think I just would really like some other people to say "I hear ya, girl, here is my pain, here is what I experienced" so I can start feeling OK about myself, and start separating what is his dysfunctional shit from what is mine (by "his dysfunctional shit" I do NOT mean being low sexual/ asexual; I do mean not owning that and instead lashing out at me).

So I'm trying to figure this all out. The shame about my body. The loss of my spirit and so much of my life. The desperate loneliness. I'm so angry, and so hurt, so disempowered. I feel like I've been stabbed a million times and most of my blood has drained right out. I am an insecure, jealous, angry person that I don't even know.

And I'm questioning myself and my own love of sexuality. Am I'm wrong to look to sex for so much? Maybe it's co-dependant and dysfunctional to feel so empowered with sex and so disempowered without it, maybe it's un-feminist and weak to be dependent on a man in this way. I don't think I believe that is true, but I'm questioning all of these things. Am I too addicted to having male sexual attention to enforce my self worth, is this need of mine wrong to have? Should I be more self-empowered instead of needing sex with my mate? Or do I just have a healthy love of sex and all that it brings? What's with the intense jealousy I feel- it's not like he's looking at other women, not at all, so what is my problem??

And what about "open relationships", could I get the emotional and spiritual needs met with someone I don't love, maybe don't even know? Would my insecure guy ever allow that? Would I even want it? If we decide that is an option, do I have to allow him to be with other women as well? Because that feels like total bullshit to me, given the situation. I don't WANT an open relationship, I want him- and if I can't have him, I just want some way to not feel sad and rejected all the time.

I like the saying that goes something like:"people say love hurts, but love is the only thing that doesn't hurt; jealousy hurts, anger hurts, insecurity hurts, blame hurts, but love never hurts. If you are hurting, then that is not love." I hurt, and so I know I am not coming from love. On deeper levels, I love this man so much, and I love myself, I want to support him to love himself, and I just need to sort all of this out. I trust that things will be OK together or apart- that will be a difficult decision but I have no way of even beginning to make good decisions with all of these horrible feelings and wounded places and depression. I love him, he loves me, and yet there is nowhere more lonely than being next to him. It's all just overwhelmingly sad. I'm trying to find the self I used to be again, find a way to stand up on my feet again after 7 years of an intensely abusive relationship (not by his fault, but emotionally abusive, yes it has been). I need to get my shit together, to find some way out of the 7 year pining and get back to my power. This living in pain, loneliness, frustration, disappointment, doubting myself, even hating myself, apologizing for being in his life, the anger, feeling less-than, inadequate, feeling shattered, all of this shit needs to be done. What he feels from my misery and longing, the guilt and shame and inadequacy that he ends up with also sucks, I don't want to be doing this to him.

I need to find my way back to love. To do that- perhaps it's odd but I really would love to hear from other pissed off, lonely, frustrated, perhaps confused people who are sexual and have asexual/ low sexual partners. Anyone else screaming "FUUUUUCK I FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF AND I HATE THIS!!!"?? Or anyone who has insight or compassion? Or anyone identifying with my partner's grey sexuality that can give me understanding of why he would just shut down so suddenly? My friends and family would just blame him harshly or tell me to leave him or tell me I'm co-depandant, all things that basically invalidate my feelings, so I haven't spoken to anyone really about this. I just need to get it out of my system, to be heard, and validated, and know I'm not crazy and not alone.

Thanks. :(

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I read this last night, but did not have time to give it the reply it deserved, so I am going to do that today.

First off, there is nothing wrong with you needing sex from your partner. Nothing at all. And this comes from an asexual who never wants to have sex again. It's just a difference and not "wrong" or "bad". Do not feel ashamed of being sexual. A few times a month is not even that much, in the grand scheme of things.

As for him being sexual at the start... it's actually not that uncommon for people to be able to be more OK with sex at the start of a relationship. "Limerence" (that initial gaga relationship high) can mask our likes/dislikes so much that anything can be fun. I find sex horribly boring, I'd rather watch paint dry (literally) than have sex. But, when I first enter a relationship, I can go along with it for about 6 months because OMGILIKETHISPERSONSOMUCHANYTHINGISGOOD ... I know that about myself now and I have to watch myself to not do things I know I can't maintain, so I don't give people unrealistic expectations. But, at the start, just being near a person I like / love is such an emotional high we could be doing the most boring, awful thing in the world and I still would be like "Oooh, yeah, lets do it ... as long as I get to be near you :wub: " Only my rational brain knowing that's not a good reaction keeps me from it nowadays.

Him criticizing you for his lack of interest is not nice. People can get defensive, but he should be able to discuss this. You two might be in a spot though where there is too much resentment to have a healthy conversation about what you both want / need / feelings surrounding it without help. Would he see a therapist, you think? You could find one that accepts asexuality and the fact some people aren't that into sex, rather than one that would push him to "fix" something. But, until the venom and hurt is not in the way of talking, it's hard to figure out if you can find a way to make it work.

As for open - it's not a good bandaid. Suggest it and try it if you truly agree with / want that lifestyle. Do not do it just to fill a gap. That's not fair to the potential sexual partner, it's not fair to you guys and it's a recipe for things to turn bad fast. Monogamous people trying to just fill a gap don't do well in non-monogamous arrangements. People who are inclined to open/poly are fine and there is nothing wrong with the arrangement if that is what you both want, but it should be accepted as an enthusiastic "yeah, lets do it" not a "I don't feel like I have a choice, so lets try to see if this fixes us..."

If you feel like you need to leave to be happy again, it's OK. You're not a bad person for needing sex. If you want to try to make it work, then you need to figure out how you two can discuss things without it turning into sniping at each other. :cake: Good luck.

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  • 3 months later...
Spinning Firefly

Walking Persephone

Firstly thank you for this eloquent and brave account of your experience. 

It really rocked me to the core because you are describing my exact experience. Only difference is - I am 18 months in.

Your description matches mine with regard to everything changing when he moved in.

This is my biggest regret. I let him move in with me way too soon. I broke all my own rules, because he had issues with his living arrangements and I was trying to be kind. 

I would like to also thank Kheima for his response.That rang true also. 

I think my partner has the ability to 'muster something up' in the early stages...but cannot maintain it.

I feel horribly duped in fact as I think that he surely must know this about himself - he is 41 years old. So I feel he has kept things from me. Also if i ever address the situation I am met with total silence and staring into the middle distance whilst I pour my heart out. 

Exactly like Persephone, I have always embraced my sexuality. But now I feel horrible. I avoid looking in mirrors as I feel ugly. I have to tell myself that I am the same person as I was 18 months ago. 

I tell myself that, but my feelings don't believe me. I love this guy and everything is so perfect in so many ways but....I can't live like this

 

Should I get out now?

 

 

 

 

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nanogretchen4

Waking Persephone, your partner's actions have been deceitful, manipulative, and extremely selfish. He kept up the illusion that you were going to have a great sex life until you agreed to move in with him, then dropped the act the second you moved in? Are you kidding me? That was a trap and there is no conceivable excuse for it. He has a long history of similar shenanigans in other mixed relationships, so he knew very well what was coming but it wasn't in his self interest to tell you honestly. I believe you should leave him ASAP. I understand your need for him to tell you the truth etc., but frankly your needs are just not a priority for him. He is much more concerned with taking care of himself, which means it is time for you to take care of yourself and leave him.

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Yeah, persephone! It can be quite hard to live with a depression. That is how it is to me, sometimes. Though we have sex once in a while and she even seems to enjoy it. 

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On 10/19/2016 at 8:34 PM, Waking Persephone said:

But NOT AT FIRST. One of the reasons we got together is because, oh the irony, we were so sexually compatible. He was more sexual than I was! I loved it! We moved in together after just 3 months, and then passion was like a light switch that just turned off in him. That is part of why it hurt(s) so damn much. What the hell happened? Why did I loose him? After we bought the house we are living in, just before we had moved anything over, I brought blankets and champagne and strawberries and candles and asked him to meet me there to "christen" the house good and proper before we started our life there. And that was it, that was the first time that he was so oddly cold and avoided me and went alone to look at paint chips in the basement and then left me hurt and baffled in awkwardly unappreciated lingerie.

I think this is a common problem, if you talk to psychiatrists.  A lot of times, once married, one marriage partner MAY start to see the other as family.  At that point having sex seems incestuous in their mind.

 

I am not saying this is your husbands issue, but IMO, it is worth an investigation.  A psychologist may be of help.

On 10/19/2016 at 8:34 PM, Waking Persephone said:

Anyone else screaming "FUUUUUCK I FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF AND I HATE THIS!!!"?? Or anyone who has insight or compassion?

To offer you insight and compassion, it is most likely NOT ABOUT YOU. 

 

Still, if he is asexual or celibate and you are not, then unless things change, what do you think your next course of action should be?

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  • 3 weeks later...
Spinning Firefly

Hi Walking Persephone

 

Me again.

Like I said before, my situation mirrors yours. Particularly the moving in together part.

I am interested in what has been said above about seeing someone as family once co-habiting. 

My partner has definite mother issues which i think may contribute to his sexual problems.

 

I have encountered something else also which interests me - my partner does initiate sex when under the influence of alcohol, and in fact becomes a totally different person. Very aggressive sexually. Completely the opposite of his normal self. 

Anyone have any experience of this?

 

Again my sympathies - this is a very lonely place to be.For my part,  I know its not my fault, but it hurts just the same. Its hard to bring logical rational thought to something so emotional. I feel like I have lost who I am. My sense of self has been rocked to the core....

 

Best

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'm processing the loss of my sex life with my husband in a similar way to the Kulber-Ross stages of grief. 

1. Denial- I refused to believe that he was just not interested in sex.

2. Anger- I was so pissed that he wasn't willing to "take one for the team" and just do something to make me happy. Which lead to....

3. Bargaining- Why couldn't he just use a vibrator on me and get me off? Or just try to have sex?  What was it that I could do to inspire him to want to have sex with me? This is also when I asked for an open relationship... which I he agreed to. As he felt that it was fair and his potential jealously was also curbed by a sense a of relief and freedom from his own guilt about not giving me what I needed.

4. Depression- I'm in this stage now to be totally honest. I have my own issues that contribute to this depression and it's severity...but I'm mourning the loss of the fact that I will never be "sexually attractive" to him. And also that my marriage will never be what I was hoping it would.

5. Acceptance- maybe I will get there completely one day. I hope so.

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  • 3 weeks later...
lovehisexile

I'm not sure whether or not you will ever read this response, but, in case you do, I just want you to know that I can validate what you are feeling on an intense level. You and I are very similar as are our situations down to how they began as highly passionate affairs to how they dwindled down to a sexless union rife with periods of blame and shame.

 

 "Sex with me is completely over-ridden by grocery shopping, work stress, the dishes, mowing the lawn, meeting up with his friends, having eaten recently, having not eaten recently, I'm asking and so I'm being too pushy, I'm not asking enough and need to be more forward, the dog needs to go out, endless "reasons."

 

^ That paragraph made me laugh out laugh due to my intense empathy. Before I recalled the term "asexuality" into my consciousness my only conceivable response to my ace partner was, "I don't understand how there is always a reason." Knowing that he is asexual, regardless of whether he will openly express such, was the first step to obtaining some level of peace. Moreover, it really helped restore my confidence for I too long struggled with the self-loathing and doubt.  Building back said confidence is tough and I am still working on it all the time.

 

 Currently, I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate a compromise despite how content my ace is with a completely sexless union. In any case, the journey is difficult and I was exactly in the same place you are right now about eight months ago. Reflecting and reasserting my view that platonic love is more important and less cumbersome than sexual love has definitely helped my perspective. However, such a belief is natural to my world view. I think the first step to healing is accepting the difficult reality that sex will never be center stage in your relationship. Whether or not you can accept that reality will shape what is to come. It was hard for me at first particularly since I'm only 23 but I personally know that our bond is worth any sacrifice and no one can "have their cake and eat it too." You have to decide if the pros in your relationship are enough to sustain you. If they are, then you can begin your journey of acceptance. 

 

Best of luck to you. 

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  • 1 year later...
Chaotic_manifestations

Thank you for sharing Waking Persephone, I completely understand where you are coming from.  I too am a sexual in a long term relationship with an asexual or grey sexual partner.  So much of what you said rang true for me, and while I have searched many blogs and forums for answers to my overwhelming feelings of resentment, anger, frustrations, and lack of self confidence and inert feelings, I have yet to a person who is so similar to me in plight, and understands exactly what I have to go through.  My Fiance and I have been together for now 7 years and are now living together for about 9 months.  We were not able to live together before because I was constantly deployed overseas and we, being from different countries, was harder to see each other because of the long distance of the relationship.  When we first started dating, just as you described, the sex was amazing, and she actually sought affection from me and initiated sexual contact.  However, after years of long distance, she has come to focus so much on long lapses in time where she she was alone and could not be a sexual person, that being sexual again actually frightened her.  We would only get to see each other every 6 months or so and the sex became more of a chore than something that she urged for or looked forward to as I did.  She even went on to tell me in an email that she dreaded holiday time with me in between because she knew that I would want to have sex during that time, that it was to be expected, that she could not just enjoy a sex free vacation and that because she was dreading it, she came to resent me for being so sexual.  This hurt me so much because she was basically saying that she dreaded spending time with me because I was being myself and that I craved her touch and she turned me on, and furthermore, I wanted to be with her.  So how is that supposed to make me feel?  What, you mean to tell me that you hate me or resent me for wanting you?  I asked her why then should I continue to be with someone who resents me for wanting to be with her?  She went on to say that if she did not give me sex during this time (which after 6 months of abstinence  from long distance, we had sex maybe 1 time to 2 times in a 2 week holiday) (which totals about 3-4 times a year for 3 years) then she thought that I would break up with her, even after proposing to her in 2015, she believed that I would break up with her at any moment because of her lack of sexual desire.  In 2016 she came out to me as thinking that she might be an asexual.  She said she was doing a lot of research in the topic and that it makes the most sense for her.  She desperately wants to want sex as much as I do and craves to have the same feelings toward sex and the fulfillment I get out of sex, yet she doesn't.  She does not mind the occasional oral sexual encounter (her to me), but she has said this as "I don't mind it", like its not something she does out of love for me, she does it to keep me in the relationship and to make sure that I get some form of release so she wont have to have sex with me later in the week.  Sorry, went off on a tangent there, when she came out to me as thinking she was an asexual we were both very drunk and we were on holidays in Mexico, we were playing a adult board game called XXXoploy (similar to Monopoly but basically let the person do a sexual act as payment for rent if you land on one of their owned properties, also chance cards have truth or dare, can be fun, but I don't recommend it if you are having issues within your relationship.  She had landed on a chance spot and got a card that said "Tell your partner something you have never told them about your sex life".  She took it as the perfect time to drop the bomb shell on me that she thought she was an asexual.  I didn't take it very well and actually contemplated leaving the hotel and flying back home, granted I was very inebriated and she chose the absolute worse time to tell me, not in an intimate setting but under the influence of alcohol and on our first day on holiday.  Luckily the apartment we were staying at had two rooms and I stormed off into the other, completely angry and hurt and confused that my partner had no idea how to treat me like an adult and address serious topics of conversations like an adult would.  The next morning I pretended like I was too drunk to remember what she had said because I did not know how to address it, she chopped it up to "thank God he doesn't remember, and tried to enjoy the rest of her holiday".  

 

That was a defining moment in our relationship, two years after my proposal for marriage and a bombshell that I may never have the sexually fulfilling relationship I crave with the woman that I love.  That made me question everything in the relationship.  Was she lying to me this whole time?  Why was she so sexual when we were dating in the first two years?  Did something happen to her that she is not telling me?  Should I stay with her?  Think of a negative question and, yup, you guessed it I asked myself these things.  The worst part of everything is that she has severe social anxiety, so much that even talking to me face to face is a problem.  People throughout all the forums I have read kept saying that communication is key to a successful Ace->sexual relationship working out.  The issue is that our communication was absolute shit.  I had to find ways to communicate with her that were not ideal for me but ideal for her.  So emails were the only way she could express herself and how she was feeling.  Believe you me, while it sucked having to not have the human interaction with the woman I love, at least I was getting the answers that I needed and things off my chest.  It might help you to open a dialog in this way to your boyfriend, so that way he does not feel threatened by you body language when you ask your questions.  He may also feel overwhelmed by your need that you inadvertently express with you body when you ask a question and he may feel like he is being smothered.  Since moving in with my fiance I came up with a diary method of communication.  I bought her a red one and mine a black one.  If she has something she wants to share with me and does not feel comfortable saying it to my face then, she writes it down in my black book, I can then choose to talk to her about it, respond in and email, or write a response in her red book.  This takes off a lot of pressure on her to respond and she also has time to think about how things make her feel, so I get an honest answer instead of a convenient one.

 

We were able to express many  things and I was able to communicate to her just how important sex is to me.  I am a very spiritual person and sex for me is a truly spiritual experience.  I agree with the bible in that two become one during this act and I loved how you described how sex makes you feel, I could not have put it into better words myself and have been looking for a way to portray this to my partner besides saying that I need it, or that i makes me feel closer to her and makes me feel whole.  So thank you and I will quote you for your words of "To me, sex is not just getting off. That part is nice, but that is 1/ millionth of what it is emotionally and spiritually (to me). The intimacy, the love and bonding that happens with sex, the Oxycontin and dopamine rush that happens with sex with someone I love, the spiritual awakening, the feminine power of beauty and sexuality... feeling beautiful and sensual, and bringing that power and energy into the rest of my life to create and laugh and feel like a beautiful, powerful being".  I understand this and feel completely the same.  When sex is your catalyst, and that is not being fueled, all other aspects of your life seem to fall short.  Things you once enjoyed doing do not seem so enjoyable, activities that made you laugh and smile no longer hold appeal, and you find yourself questioning everything that you do and think about because you are so concentrated on what you can do or could have done better to reach your partner's sexuality.  You begin to inwardly address yourself with resentment and failures thinking that there is something wrong with you.  You become overwhelmed and shamed with being a sexual person so much that you have contemplated medical treatments to reduce your sexual desire to meet that of your partners.  Well, perhaps you have not gone that far, but I have had thoughts of castration just to appeal to my Fiance' more, just to be able to be around her and not feel overwhelming emotions of sexual longing, to avoid the resentment and frustrations that have manifested to a constant in my mind when we are together.  

 

I know she wants to want to feel the way I do about sex, but just cannot seem to get there.  Just like you said, there are 1000 other things that our partners would rather do than to have sex with us and show us that we are important to them in that way.  The probably try to show us in other ways, but our love languages are so sexual and physical in nature that we are blind to their methods of showing us affection and love.  I know this holds true for me, I never see the things that my fiance does to show her affection and love for me, she constantly says that she is trying, but unless I see physical progress in sexual and emotional intimacy, I believe that I am the only one putting forth an effort to make this relationship work anymore.  Yes, she could lie there and have sex with me just to have sex, but I have told her that I do not want that, I want a companion and a eventual wife to share my bed, not a concubine.  I have been told countless times by friends and family, that despite her efforts at getting therapy, she cannot change who she is and I will have to accept that she may never want me the way I want her and I may never have that sexual and spiritually fulfilling relationship with her that I want so much with every fiber of my being.  I have been told to end things with her countless times, but how can I give up on her when she is not giving up on herself.  I have told her that, if that is something that she cannot provide and that if it takes too much from her soul to give it to me and meet my needs of physical and emotional intimacy, that she needs to tell me so we can both move on with our lives.  While I do not wish to end the relationship, I am prepared to do so if this relationship will eventually hurt us both in the long run.  I love her too much to be completely selfish and want her to be happy, even if that means that she is not with me.  Many friends and others on forums have expressed that I should consider an open relationship with her.  But like you said, that would mean that she can sleep with whomever she wants a swell, if she doesn't want to sleep with me, and then wants to sleep with someone else that would truly hurt more than anything, plus I do not know if I can bring myself to have sex with another person that I do not love.  Because sex is so spiritual for me, I would feel unclean and dirty to do that with another person, she has also expressed that she does not wish for me to have sex with anyone else and she would consider that an act of infidelity.  So I am left in a state of constant contemplation, would she be better off with another asexual, would I be better off with someone that it wont take another 7 years to feel that sense of intimacy and sexual and emotional fulfillment, are we truly right for one another, and how much more time am I willing to commit to this relationship?  These questions are constant and may never go away, ask yourself are you willing to live with these constant questions.  We are both seeking personal counseling to deal with our relationship and are looking for a couples and sex therapist to help us in our efforts as a couple, I recommend that you start there, and of course I am open to speaking with you about your frustrations and relate to your experiences , as I believe it is very therapeutic to talk about these things with other people who are undergoing similar issues/  

 

Wish you the Best!

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On 7 July 2018 at 3:22 PM, Chaotic_manifestations said:

Thank you for sharing Waking Persephone, I completely understand where you are coming from.  I too am a sexual in a long term relationship with an asexual or grey sexual partner.  So much of what you said rang true for me, and while I have searched many blogs and forums for answers to my overwhelming feelings of resentment, anger, frustrations, and lack of self confidence and inert feelings, I have yet to a person who is so similar to me in plight, and understands exactly what I have to go through.  My Fiance and I have been together for now 7 years and are now living together for about 9 months.  We were not able to live together before because I was constantly deployed overseas and we, being from different countries, was harder to see each other because of the long distance of the relationship.  When we first started dating, just as you described, the sex was amazing, and she actually sought affection from me and initiated sexual contact.  However, after years of long distance, she has come to focus so much on long lapses in time where she she was alone and could not be a sexual person, that being sexual again actually frightened her.  We would only get to see each other every 6 months or so and the sex became more of a chore than something that she urged for or looked forward to as I did.  She even went on to tell me in an email that she dreaded holiday time with me in between because she knew that I would want to have sex during that time, that it was to be expected, that she could not just enjoy a sex free vacation and that because she was dreading it, she came to resent me for being so sexual.  This hurt me so much because she was basically saying that she dreaded spending time with me because I was being myself and that I craved her touch and she turned me on, and furthermore, I wanted to be with her.  So how is that supposed to make me feel?  What, you mean to tell me that you hate me or resent me for wanting you?  I asked her why then should I continue to be with someone who resents me for wanting to be with her?  She went on to say that if she did not give me sex during this time (which after 6 months of abstinence  from long distance, we had sex maybe 1 time to 2 times in a 2 week holiday) (which totals about 3-4 times a year for 3 years) then she thought that I would break up with her, even after proposing to her in 2015, she believed that I would break up with her at any moment because of her lack of sexual desire.  In 2016 she came out to me as thinking that she might be an asexual.  She said she was doing a lot of research in the topic and that it makes the most sense for her.  She desperately wants to want sex as much as I do and craves to have the same feelings toward sex and the fulfillment I get out of sex, yet she doesn't.  She does not mind the occasional oral sexual encounter (her to me), but she has said this as "I don't mind it", like its not something she does out of love for me, she does it to keep me in the relationship and to make sure that I get some form of release so she wont have to have sex with me later in the week.  Sorry, went off on a tangent there, when she came out to me as thinking she was an asexual we were both very drunk and we were on holidays in Mexico, we were playing a adult board game called XXXoploy (similar to Monopoly but basically let the person do a sexual act as payment for rent if you land on one of their owned properties, also chance cards have truth or dare, can be fun, but I don't recommend it if you are having issues within your relationship.  She had landed on a chance spot and got a card that said "Tell your partner something you have never told them about your sex life".  She took it as the perfect time to drop the bomb shell on me that she thought she was an asexual.  I didn't take it very well and actually contemplated leaving the hotel and flying back home, granted I was very inebriated and she chose the absolute worse time to tell me, not in an intimate setting but under the influence of alcohol and on our first day on holiday.  Luckily the apartment we were staying at had two rooms and I stormed off into the other, completely angry and hurt and confused that my partner had no idea how to treat me like an adult and address serious topics of conversations like an adult would.  The next morning I pretended like I was too drunk to remember what she had said because I did not know how to address it, she chopped it up to "thank God he doesn't remember, and tried to enjoy the rest of her holiday".  

 

That was a defining moment in our relationship, two years after my proposal for marriage and a bombshell that I may never have the sexually fulfilling relationship I crave with the woman that I love.  That made me question everything in the relationship.  Was she lying to me this whole time?  Why was she so sexual when we were dating in the first two years?  Did something happen to her that she is not telling me?  Should I stay with her?  Think of a negative question and, yup, you guessed it I asked myself these things.  The worst part of everything is that she has severe social anxiety, so much that even talking to me face to face is a problem.  People throughout all the forums I have read kept saying that communication is key to a successful Ace->sexual relationship working out.  The issue is that our communication was absolute shit.  I had to find ways to communicate with her that were not ideal for me but ideal for her.  So emails were the only way she could express herself and how she was feeling.  Believe you me, while it sucked having to not have the human interaction with the woman I love, at least I was getting the answers that I needed and things off my chest.  It might help you to open a dialog in this way to your boyfriend, so that way he does not feel threatened by you body language when you ask your questions.  He may also feel overwhelmed by your need that you inadvertently express with you body when you ask a question and he may feel like he is being smothered.  Since moving in with my fiance I came up with a diary method of communication.  I bought her a red one and mine a black one.  If she has something she wants to share with me and does not feel comfortable saying it to my face then, she writes it down in my black book, I can then choose to talk to her about it, respond in and email, or write a response in her red book.  This takes off a lot of pressure on her to respond and she also has time to think about how things make her feel, so I get an honest answer instead of a convenient one.

 

We were able to express many  things and I was able to communicate to her just how important sex is to me.  I am a very spiritual person and sex for me is a truly spiritual experience.  I agree with the bible in that two become one during this act and I loved how you described how sex makes you feel, I could not have put it into better words myself and have been looking for a way to portray this to my partner besides saying that I need it, or that i makes me feel closer to her and makes me feel whole.  So thank you and I will quote you for your words of "To me, sex is not just getting off. That part is nice, but that is 1/ millionth of what it is emotionally and spiritually (to me). The intimacy, the love and bonding that happens with sex, the Oxycontin and dopamine rush that happens with sex with someone I love, the spiritual awakening, the feminine power of beauty and sexuality... feeling beautiful and sensual, and bringing that power and energy into the rest of my life to create and laugh and feel like a beautiful, powerful being".  I understand this and feel completely the same.  When sex is your catalyst, and that is not being fueled, all other aspects of your life seem to fall short.  Things you once enjoyed doing do not seem so enjoyable, activities that made you laugh and smile no longer hold appeal, and you find yourself questioning everything that you do and think about because you are so concentrated on what you can do or could have done better to reach your partner's sexuality.  You begin to inwardly address yourself with resentment and failures thinking that there is something wrong with you.  You become overwhelmed and shamed with being a sexual person so much that you have contemplated medical treatments to reduce your sexual desire to meet that of your partners.  Well, perhaps you have not gone that far, but I have had thoughts of castration just to appeal to my Fiance' more, just to be able to be around her and not feel overwhelming emotions of sexual longing, to avoid the resentment and frustrations that have manifested to a constant in my mind when we are together.  

 

I know she wants to want to feel the way I do about sex, but just cannot seem to get there.  Just like you said, there are 1000 other things that our partners would rather do than to have sex with us and show us that we are important to them in that way.  The probably try to show us in other ways, but our love languages are so sexual and physical in nature that we are blind to their methods of showing us affection and love.  I know this holds true for me, I never see the things that my fiance does to show her affection and love for me, she constantly says that she is trying, but unless I see physical progress in sexual and emotional intimacy, I believe that I am the only one putting forth an effort to make this relationship work anymore.  Yes, she could lie there and have sex with me just to have sex, but I have told her that I do not want that, I want a companion and a eventual wife to share my bed, not a concubine.  I have been told countless times by friends and family, that despite her efforts at getting therapy, she cannot change who she is and I will have to accept that she may never want me the way I want her and I may never have that sexual and spiritually fulfilling relationship with her that I want so much with every fiber of my being.  I have been told to end things with her countless times, but how can I give up on her when she is not giving up on herself.  I have told her that, if that is something that she cannot provide and that if it takes too much from her soul to give it to me and meet my needs of physical and emotional intimacy, that she needs to tell me so we can both move on with our lives.  While I do not wish to end the relationship, I am prepared to do so if this relationship will eventually hurt us both in the long run.  I love her too much to be completely selfish and want her to be happy, even if that means that she is not with me.  Many friends and others on forums have expressed that I should consider an open relationship with her.  But like you said, that would mean that she can sleep with whomever she wants a swell, if she doesn't want to sleep with me, and then wants to sleep with someone else that would truly hurt more than anything, plus I do not know if I can bring myself to have sex with another person that I do not love.  Because sex is so spiritual for me, I would feel unclean and dirty to do that with another person, she has also expressed that she does not wish for me to have sex with anyone else and she would consider that an act of infidelity.  So I am left in a state of constant contemplation, would she be better off with another asexual, would I be better off with someone that it wont take another 7 years to feel that sense of intimacy and sexual and emotional fulfillment, are we truly right for one another, and how much more time am I willing to commit to this relationship?  These questions are constant and may never go away, ask yourself are you willing to live with these constant questions.  We are both seeking personal counseling to deal with our relationship and are looking for a couples and sex therapist to help us in our efforts as a couple, I recommend that you start there, and of course I am open to speaking with you about your frustrations and relate to your experiences , as I believe it is very therapeutic to talk about these things with other people who are undergoing similar issues/  

 

Wish you the Best!

Counseling has worked for my partner and I. I am Demisexual and male, my partner is Sexual and female, which I know is a bit different thN your situation. Nonetheless we were at breaking point but coming here to AVEN and going through the counseling process has helped our relationship no end and we both feel we are stronger than ever. Send me a PM if you like. Bye for now!

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My ace and I had a pretty hot sexual relationship for 3 years, with us living in different cities and him spending part of the month with us, till he moved in for good. Sex was the first casualty. We didn't have any for the first fortnight. Then we had some that was clearly half hearted on his part once. Then a few weeks later, he realized he was asexual. He has a sexual drive and responds mostly to his own mental fantasies. So while we were meeting in a "bubble" where he was "visiting his lover", it was a mental script that involved sex. He was living a fantasy and the fantasy was very, very good. He doesn't have a mental script or a desire for a life involving routine domestic sex. So, moving in torpedoed the sex immediately.

 

I struggled a lot, as a highly sexual person, who was expecting the sex life to improve with him moving in, instead of hectic visits and limited time together. Wake up call.

 

I am sorry to say, there is no way back. Once you see, you cannot unsee.

 

But there is indeed a way forward. With or without him. You will have to find it. But being happy is not impossible. For us, it has meant the end of a sexual relationship altogether and a mismatch in how we see each other. We are very committed and together, but my sexual desire for him has died, and along with that, how i see him. I see him more as a family member or roommate I trust very deeply, but am not attracted to. As in not a lover or partner or husband I can be completely "with". For him, I'm his ideal partner. He definitely sees me as his life partner and lover. But it works out. He simply isn't on my sexual radar anymore, but the immense like and trust and comfort we have going is still there.

 

Edit: That said, we aren't monogamous, so end of sexual desire for him does not mean the end of my sex life if I am attracted to someone. I imagine it will be harder if you are sexual and monogamous and your monogamous partner doesn't want sex.

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I am naturally a monogomous woman and it IS hard!  I have struggled enormously over the years with confusion, then anger, sadness and guilt.   I am mostly sad and guilt ridden now- because i know he loves me and sees me as his life mate- but I am sexually attracted to others- not him!  It feels as if the sexual desire I once had for him NEVER existed-it is so gone!!!

I love him as a family member and a partner-and wish so much I could simply be happy and fulfilled with what he can give.   I am happy for you, Ana, that you have found an acceptable solution  with your partner.  I wish that I was able to be as objective and clear minded as you, about my future with my spouse. 

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On 2/22/2017 at 10:08 PM, Sentcan said:

I'm processing the loss of my sex life with my husband in a similar way to the Kulber-Ross stages of grief. 

1. Denial- I refused to believe that he was just not interested in sex.

2. Anger- I was so pissed that he wasn't willing to "take one for the team" and just do something to make me happy. Which lead to....

3. Bargaining- Why couldn't he just use a vibrator on me and get me off? Or just try to have sex?  What was it that I could do to inspire him to want to have sex with me? This is also when I asked for an open relationship... which I he agreed to. As he felt that it was fair and his potential jealously was also curbed by a sense a of relief and freedom from his own guilt about not giving me what I needed.

4. Depression- I'm in this stage now to be totally honest. I have my own issues that contribute to this depression and it's severity...but I'm mourning the loss of the fact that I will never be "sexually attractive" to him. And also that my marriage will never be what I was hoping it would.

5. Acceptance- maybe I will get there completely one day. I hope so.

I do agree with Kubler-Ross about stages of grief. Trouble is, when in a mixed relationship, the situation to accept can be hard to grasp. If someone dies, then ‘accepting’ is to understand and live on knowing they will never come back but can still be a wonderful memory. 

This is more fluid. I want a sex life. If she says “not ever sex again,” then it means “you and I, will never have sex again”. It doesnt mean an end to the relationship. It doesnt mean an end to my sex life. It doesnt mean an end to our love.

therefore stages 3 and 4 are a bit mixed, while finding out what we can do. 

I guess stage 5 is accepting that this ‘mix’ is a constant challenge. 

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Chaotic_manifestations

Wow, I must be old, I had to Google search Necrobump, but yes, in fact all of the comments and forum posts that I have read have been at least 2014 or older.  It seems Ace individuals are now being shadowed by different movements and there are less people speaking about them on forums.  Just trying to resonate and reach out for support, but I can see where Phillip would think my initial posting response was funny.  Well-Played sir.

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Uhh, there's lots of recent discussions here.  They should be the ones showing up first on the forum lists, cuz that's how all forums work.  Are you only getting here through google searches or something?

 

Moderators don't actually want people touching threads that haven't been posted in in over a year or so.  You're not likely to get in trouble for it though, unless you do it repeatedly and on purpose.  If you really want to discuss something in a dead thread, it's usually advised to make a new thread.

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Chaotic_manifestations

Thanks Phillip, and yes I reached this site and forum through a Google search, where I mostly reach all of my different information, perhaps the occasional research paper from an educational source.

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