Should I Pursue a Romantic Relationship With My Asexual Friend?

[Islander19]

I have an asexual friend who I've grown quite close to over the last year. For the last while I've been debating whether or not I should start a romantic relationship with her. I've spoken to a few people about this and posted on another forum, although I've only gotten opinions from allosexual people, so I thought it would be a good idea to post here as well and get a few opinions from the asexual community. I think I already know the answer given my situation and my needs, but a few more opinions can't hurt.

We met on a dating site about a year ago and started talking. We eventually met up for lunch together, which went really well. Shortly after our first meeting I went on vacation, but we kept in touch and when I got back we made plans to meet up again. Despite the fact that we were getting along great, something seemed off. She kept referring to us as friends and seemed to be trying to keep things platonic, even though we met on a dating site where the assumption is everyone is looking for a romantic relationship.

So, before we met up for the second time I asked her if this was a date or if she just saw me as a friend. She responded by saying that she was asexual so she didn't really date in the traditional sense. The response definitely threw me off guard, simply because I wasn't really expecting it. I was familiar with asexuality but had never met anyone that identified that way.

Anyways, we got to talking and she told me more about her situation and how she recently came to the realization that she's asexual. I was supportive as I knew it was probably tough for her to talk about. However, I was honest with her and told her we probably shouldn't date as I just didn't think it would work for me. But I did tell her I definitely wanted to stay friends and keep hanging out. I'm not always super outgoing and have a hard time meeting people, so I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to make a new friend, even if it wasn't going to turn into anything romantic. I really liked hanging out with her and we always had fun together, so I definitely still wanted to see her. At the time she seemed totally fine and understanding of my feelings, and we continued to see each other as friends.

A little while after this we were talking about my dating life (or lack there of). I've had a few flings here and there, but I've never had anyone in my life I would consider a girlfriend. That's when she told me that she would date me. I wasn't sure if she was just saying it to make me feel better or if she really meant it. I quickly changed the topic as I didn't really know how to respond to that.

The next day I decided to address it. If she really did want to be more than just friends then we should probably talk about it. So I asked her if she really meant what she said, and she said she did. She said I didn't have to feel the same way but that's how she felt. I told her that I was definitely attracted to her romantically, but it just wouldn't work with her being asexual. That's when she got upset. Looking back I probably should have chosen my words a little more carefully. I basically told that I'd like to date her, but I can't because of this one part of her that she had no control over, which isn't very nice. Anyways, we got into a bit of a fight over it. I tried to explain to her that we just weren't sexually compatible. I felt that being sexually compatible was really important in a relationship, and she felt like it shouldn't matter.

She said that she would be willing to have sex with a partner, but I knew it would never be as often as I'd like. I have a really high sex drive, and sex is something I'd like to be a big part of my relationships. I also didn't think I could handle having a girlfriend who wasn't sexually attracted to me, nor would I be comfortable having sex with someone who was just doing it for my benefit. I understand what an amazing gesture it is for someone who is asexual to let someone have sex with them, I just don't know if if I could get into it if they weren't really into it.

Despite all this, part of me wanted to give it a try. In every other way she's absolutely amazing. But we had become such good friends at this point I didn't want to risk starting a romantic relationship with her only to break her heart if it didn't work out.

In the end we simply agreed to disagree about the whole sexual compatibility thing, and remarkably we've continued to be really close friends. We hang out pretty regularly and have a great time together. Despite being asexual she does really like to cuddle and over time we have become more affectionate with each other. We hug a lot and do cuddle with each other on occasion. Sometimes I worry that we get too affectionate for just being friends, especially since both of us have had romantic feelings for the other. But it's never gone past cuddling. We both enjoy it and it hasn't caused any problems so I'm not too worried about it.

Despite being adamant with her that we should just stay friends, throughout our friendship, and as I continue to get nowhere in my dating life, I can't help but wonder whether I should give a romantic relationship with her a try. We just get along so well and I really do care about her a lot. We have so much fun together and I feel like I can talk to her about anything. It would be nice to have someone and not be so lonely anymore.

But my gut is still telling me not to do it. Despite not having a lot of sex in my life I'm a very sexual person. I think about sex a lot and have a lot of sexual urges. I already feel a little bad about those urges sometimes, and I know I would feel even worse about them if I was forcing them on a partner who didn't have those same urges. The few times I have been intimate with girls it's felt so amazing be with someone who wanted me sexually just as much as I wanted her. Suddenly it was ok to have all these sexual urges. In those instances my sexual urges were actually a good thing, and that felt incredible. It's scary to think that I would never experience that feeling again.

And then what if we got together and after a while I decided that it wasn't working for me? Maybe we could still be friends, but I've found often times in these situations that's not the case. Our friendship means so much to me and if I screwed that up I'd be devastated. I feel like for both our sake's we'd be happier being with people who have more similar sex drives to ourselves. The relationships would be healthier and we could still carry on being friends. But then I get lonely again and I start to think that maybe we could make it work.

Wow, sorry for writing such a novel, although it does feel good to get this all out. I guess I already know what's best for me, but it's hard sometimes to come to that conclusion. If you've actually read this thing I really would like to hear your opinions. Am I putting too much importance on sex? Could this really work or am I right in thinking it's best if we just stay friends?

Thanks for your thoughts.

[flesh-pocket]

shes saying sex shouldnt matter from the perspective of a person to whom sex DOESNT matter. a lot of asexuals on this site seem to think that way, that because sex doesnt mater to us/them it will be simple for a potential sexual partner to just give it up for them. of course, its not that simple, and i feel like a lot of asexual on this site have an unrealistic idea that finding a compatible partner near them, (that is, among the 99% of sexual people) is going to be about as easy as a regular ol' sexual doing the same.

the premonitions you have about entering a mixed relationship are valid and realistic. go to the sexual partners, friends, and allys forum for examples of troubled asexual/sexual relationships. you do have the benefit of knowing what your getting into, but you havent said much about how this person feels about sex. even if she can enjoy sex on a physical level/enjoy giving her partner pleasure, its true that if she is asexual she will never desire you like a sexual person.

you could broach the idea of having an open relationship, where you would be free to seek sexual partners on the side or something, but that doesnt work for everyone either. just keep talking it out but dont do anything rash.

[Taiji]

Hey, I'm an grey-aceish person in a relationship with a sexual partner for 3 years!

Your concerns are very valid and reasonable and definitely resonated with what my partner and I discussed before. It's honestly a tough decision deciding to stick through a relationship even if both partners may be dissatisfied with their sex life (from a sexual perspective: too little sex, from an asexual perspective: too much sex.) I'm not saying my partner and I are dissatisfied now, but we definitely hit bumps in the road in understanding how we felt about sex, sexual desires, etc.

You'd really have to get a strong understanding on how she feels about sex as flesh-pocket said. You can only know so much without being in a relationship though, as it boils down to personal dynamics. Only she knows if she would actually not mind having sex with a partner, only you would know if you can actually handle not feeling sexually desired by her, etc. A lot of people do have difficulty reconciling the differences in sexual compatibility. Asexual people will not find sex as important as sexual people. You, as a sexual person, will probably have to adjust your expectations of sex, but in the end, still feel strongly about having that sexual connection in a relationship. "Deciding" whether or not you're putting too much importance on sex isn't really a choice, in my opinion. I'm sure if mixed asexual/sexual relationships can decide to change how important sex is to them, sexual incompatibility wouldn't be as much of an issue.

If your gut feeling is saying not to do it, then perhaps that's the choice you'd feel the least regret about.

[Blue Tomato]

I don't have something "new" to say. You just have to ask yourself. If it's ok with you to be only in a romantic realtionship and nothing more. If you really feel that she's the one for you you should go for it and at least try and see how it goes :)

[Guest]

Like the others have said before me: It's good to consider if this is really what you want and if being in a romantic relationship alone would really make you happy and if it wouldn't damage your relationship with her in the longer term. You obviously have a clear idea of what you expect in a relationship and so does your possible partner so maybe it's a good idea to discuss these things with her before getting into a relationship. I really hope things will work out for you.

[banana monkey]

It sounds if your current relationship develops it could become queerplatonic So i'm just wondering if you can imagine having a queerplatonic relationship alongside a romantic one given that in your case it seems that it may involve a resonable degree of sensual contact (cuddling, hugging etc) If so, it may be an option for both of you, because it means you can have a sensual relationship without any romantic/sexual connotations and you could be sexual in your romantic relationships with another person.

[stereomancer]

I'm gray/demi. I rarely expereince sexual attraction to someone whom Ive formed a bond with. For me it doesnt usually last. I had sex with my girlfriends because they wanted it but they could tell I wasn't there. They could tell I was bored and distracted and in the end it did more harm to them then good. It hurt them to know I would never desire them in the way they wanted me to. I found one of my gf's crying because she knew I wouldn't look at her like that. I'm not saying dont try but be ready if she doesnt desire you. I honestly don't believe its really fair to a sexual for us to date them. We wont ever see them or feel for them what they do for us.