Appreciate Some Advice, Please..

[Barton1967]

I'm struggling to process my thoughts about a discussion I had with my long term partner yesterday, and would really appreciate some help & advice before making any decisions that I would regret.

We've been together for over 30 years and have a newly adult son - still living at home. As with most relationships there have been ups & downs, with one of the main recurring issues being a mismatch between our sexual needs. I hadn't logged any problems here, other than frequency. I'm still seriously attracted to her, which she has trouble accepting.

Things came to a head yesterday; after a couple of weeks sleeping apart (which I'll expand on later) we exchanged some words including me asking how often she masturbates. It shocked me when the response came back 'never'. It seems faintly ridiculous that the subject had not been so clearly broached in all this time, but I sort of assumed that any unfulfilled sexual tension would have been

dealt with the same way I would. If there is no sexual desire, does this mean that she has felt forced to accede to my will for all these years? This is absolutely the last thing I would want to do - hence the sleeping separately. A restless night, and the internet, led me to this forum.

Before I go any further, the following is my perception of the situation, so will be subject to any reality distortion that this implies - it's this I think I need help with most.

We fell into a natural frequency for sex of about once or twice a month, generally at my partner's initiation, and I would like to think that I haven't put much pressure to increase this, as it has been stable for a number of years. I'm somewhat ashamed to say that my frustration occasionally manifested in wondering hands in bed, but these were usually swiftly & unconsciously brushed away. There have been a few other incidents that I'm reassessing, including being called a pervert for covertly watching her undress; I didn't feel it was seedy at the time - I was in bed and she was close by the bed - but I felt sordid from then on. A recent bout of Thrush is the main reason we are not in the same bed - I would never be content knowing that any action I might take could cause discomfort.

My selfish side always felt that about three times a week would suit my needs but, if my partner is in the ACE spectrum, the dark cloud surrounding me at them moment doesn't see me ever having sex with her again. I really don't want my life to unravel but can I deal with a sexless relationship? I'm really not sure.

[MrDane]

Ok, so she doesnt masturbate! Nothing alarming there!

I think you need to talk about your sexual desires and come up with a mutual agreement! You are the one who wants more sex, right? But why is she the one taking the initiative? Is she asexual and does it for your sake or does she want it?