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Am I Asexual, or Sexual? Or is it Perfomance Anxiety (PLEASE HELP)


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I'm no sexpert and memories are fading. Anyhow: With PIV sex physical stimulation is ​optional, i.e. it can​ happen but doesn't necessarily need to, depending on female variables, angles frequency positions etc.

Plus there is all that overhead. - I think we are still taught to thrive to generate female orgasms and holding back for that reason?

Basically you 2 have to figure out what works for both of you physically and mentally. - Both communication their needs / giving feedback is pretty essential.

I wouldn't be on AVEN with a more positive attitude than "sod sex, get her done & cuddle on." But I am sure the majority of the population would disagree and encourage you to just practice more.

About the erections before: yes they happen and mean close to nothing about your sexual orientation. They basically confirm your romantic orientation and the rest is a different chapter.

Besides AVEN TOS demanding us to not judge each other's asexuality, I'd suggest labeling yourself "inexperienced" + look and see. (And a dozen rounds later I'll suggest tossing a coin.)

Try to be "giving", ask her how, try to discover what might work for you, and assure her about you having reasons to carry on although you maybe don't orgasm.

Also tell her your entire story and issues openly.

I don't believe that PIV performance is the center of sexuality. As long as you enjoy and find a way to return the BJ favor however; what is the problem about carrying on "alternatively"?

At least to me you don't sound as if you have already lost your interest in that stuff entirely.

Ask yourself if it could happen in the near future and don't marry her until you are sure you'll get along long term.

2nd round of disclaimer: I have no clue where I am compromising due to being freshly in love etc. and how to predict what I'll be doing once the hormones are settled again. - The bit I know: anything you dislike a bit in the beginning will grow more repulsive over time. - But relationships are always compromises. Just sometimes they don't feel worth it & break.

Good luck figuring yourself & everything out.

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I'm no sexpert and memories are fading. Anyhow: With PIV sex physical stimulation is ​optional, i.e. it can​ happen but doesn't necessarily need to, depending on female variables, angles frequency positions etc.

Plus there is all that overhead. - I think we are still taught to thrive to generate female orgasms and holding back for that reason?

Basically you 2 have to figure out what works for both of you physically and mentally. - Both communication their needs / giving feedback is pretty essential.

I wouldn't be on AVEN with a more positive attitude than "sod sex, get her done & cuddle on." But I am sure the majority of the population would disagree and encourage you to just practice more.

About the erections before: yes they happen and mean close to nothing about your sexual orientation. They basically confirm your romantic orientation and the rest is a different chapter.

Besides AVEN TOS demanding us to not judge each other's asexuality, I'd suggest labeling yourself "inexperienced" + look and see. (And a dozen rounds later I'll suggest tossing a coin.)

Try to be "giving", ask her how, try to discover what might work for you, and assure her about you having reasons to carry on although you maybe don't orgasm.

Also tell her your entire story and issues openly.

I don't believe that PIV performance is the center of sexuality. As long as you enjoy and find a way to return the BJ favor however; what is the problem about carrying on "alternatively"?

At least to me you don't sound as if you have already lost your interest in that stuff entirely.

Ask yourself if it could happen in the near future and don't marry her until you are sure you'll get along long term.

2nd round of disclaimer: I have no clue where I am compromising due to being freshly in love etc. and how to predict what I'll be doing once the hormones are settled again. - The bit I know: anything you dislike a bit in the beginning will grow more repulsive over time. - But relationships are always compromises. Just sometimes they don't feel worth it & break.

Good luck figuring yourself & everything out.

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nanogretchen4

Did either or both of you identify as asexual prior to this relationship, or did you just start out assuming you were both inexperienced heterosexuals? I ask because it sounds like you've both been pretty willing to try a variety of sexual things if you're both identifying as asexual. Not that asexuals can't be curious or want to experiment to make sure. On the other hand, if neither of you thought you were asexual before, I don't see enough evidence in your post to jump to that conclusion. It sounds very much like you in particular are experiencing both strong sexual attraction to your girlfriend and a desire for some kinds of sex. But of course only you can say what your sexual orientation may be.

A person can definitely be sexual and not like a particular activity, such as PiV. If you and your girlfriend both dislike PiV, skip it and do other things. No problem. If she wants to have PiV and you don't totally hate it but can't reach orgasm that way, you can have PiV for whatever length of time she finds enjoyable and then finish some other way. Still no problem unless you are trying to make a baby, and there are some easy workarounds even if you are. If she feels a desire for PiV or enjoys it but can't reach orgasm that way, she's in the same boat as the majority of the female population. It doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong, and it doesn't mean that there's anything unusual about her. By the way, I am female and I didn't start enjoying PiV until I'd tried it about half a dozen times with the same man, so I wouldn't give up right away if it's not great the first time. If she wants to she could have an orgasm by a different method either before or after PiV. No problem. If she doesn't feel any desire to have an orgasm at all, still no problem. Relax, you're not being graded.

It sounds like she has never had an orgasm at all, not even by masturbating. In that case it is going to be much more challenging for you to help her have an orgasm. She probably doesn't know what to suggest to you, and she probably also can't tell whether what you are trying is working. That's totally not your fault. If she wants to have orgasms, you might encourage her to try masturbating. There are definitely books written for women who have never had an orgasm before, which is a fairly common situation. I don't know what toys you have tried but penetration toys and small battery vibrators are not very efficient. A strong vibrator such as the Hitachi Magic Wand used externally has a pretty high success rate. Anyway, if she learns to have orgasms by herself she will know at least one method that works and she will know what it's supposed to feel like when something is working. That will give you something to build on. On the other hand, if she does not want to have orgasms she certainly shouldn't be under any pressure to.

Good luck. I really think everything will work out fine.

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