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I'm really struggling right now...


Zema

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In the 2+ years I've been lurking here, I never thought I'd be making an account. But here I am, so hi.

The title sort of explains why I made an account. These last few months have been really difficult for me. It's been the first time in like 3 years that I've seriously questioned my gender. I recently came to the conclusion that I'm a trans girl, which was not easy to admit to myself. I suppose I should give you some background.

I was about 15 the first time I quesitoned my gender. Back then, I had no information, I was alone, and I thought I was a freak. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I was a freak because I so desparately wanted to be female. I thought that if I had told anyone about how I felt, they'd also think I was a freak, so I kept it all to myself. It hurt so much and I didn't know why. In the end, I couldn't handle it. I essentially detached myself from my gender (if they makes any sense). I became emotionally numb for the next 3 years.

The hardest part for me back then was the fact that I thought I didn't "feel like a girl" therefore I'm not one. But I had a misconception of what gender was. I felt like I could never truly be myself without being female. I felt like I would never be complete as a person without being female. Literally the only thing I had ever wanted was to be female. And yet, I still thought I couldn't possibly be a girl. I had thought that because most of my interests tend to be things that guys like, and the fact that I don't really like a lot f aspects of femininity, I couldn't possibly be a girl. I know now that masculinity and femininity don't matter.

Fast forward to today, and I've pretty much accepted that I'm a girl. It was tough. But this time around, I actually had information, and I don't feel like a freak. I wouldn't hace been able to admit this to myself if I hadn't read what people had to say on here (to all those who shared their experiences which helped me, thank you). I've also asked the fine folks over at Arocalypse (where I spend most of my time online) to refer to me with female pronouns and I love it. The reason I'm posting this here is because Arocalypse is tiny and there just aren't enough people over there who can help me.

Now comes the hard part. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I should transition. It's a tough decision to make, and no matter what I decide to do now, it's going to effect me in the years to come (that includes waiting and doing nothing). I'm only young (19) so I have my whole life ahead of me. To be honest, transitioning really scares me. I just need advice on what I should do next. Although if there was one thing that I really want to do if nothing else, it's to get rid of my facial hair.

I was also thinking of telling my mum about how I'm feeling about all this. She was accepting of my aro and aceness, although she was concerned that I was limiting myself with the labels. Which is why if I do tell her, I'd be telling her how I felt without putting a label on it.

Above all else, I just don't want history to repeat itself. I need advice on what to do next. If you want anymore information, feel free to ask. Thanks for reading this far.

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butterflydreams

Well, out of the shadows! Welcome :) :cake: I'm glad you posted here!

Your story resonates a lot with me, if that's any consolation. Though it took me quite a bit longer to realize, "oh wow, yes, I am a girl, I'm not a freak, I can fix my life."

Now comes the hard part. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I should transition. It's a tough decision to make, and no matter what I decide to do now, it's going to effect me in the years to come (that includes waiting and doing nothing). I'm only young (19) so I have my whole life ahead of me. To be honest, transitioning really scares me. I just need advice on what I should do next. Although if there was one thing that I really want to do if nothing else, it's to get rid of my facial hair.

Deciding whether or not to transition is a very personal choice (and can be very scary). You can ask others their opinions, but what will ultimately matter is what you want to do. Hell, if you ask transitioned people, or people who are transitioning, I'd bet most of them would tell you it was absolutely the right decision. But there are all kinds of reasons why it's not the right decision for everyone, and that's ok too. I don't know your specific life situation, or any reasons you might have for/against starting transition now. And stuff can change rapidly too. When I started transitioning, things were pretty stable in my life. Fast forward 6 months and there's a big shakeup with my role at work, my parents effectively disown me, and my grandmother dies.

Advice on what to do next...hmm. Research? Do you know what your options are, how to use those options? Do you have a plan in place? Do you want to have a plan? I've actually kind of just winged this whole thing. I take next steps as they come up and seem right. So there's no wrong way to do it. Being honest with yourself is the most important part. If something is too scary to do, don't do it. Don't let people pressure you into doing it. Transition has kind of a cascade effect. The more things you do, the more things you can do. The things at first might be really tiny, but they add up. Before you even realize it you'll be doing things you wouldn't have dreamed you could do. Let that flow determine your path. It's the easiest, least stressful way forward in a process that overall is incredibly difficult. Don't add unnecessarily to the difficulty.

Facial hair removal was one of the best things I've done for my mental health and my transition. It's expensive, hurts like hell, and takes forever, but by god, it's worth it. Trans girls are tough as nails, ok? All trans people are tough. You might not think you're tough, but you are. You wrote all this here. *hugs* and more :cake:

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Hi and welcome ^_^

Yeah I also started questioning my gender as a teen and thought I just couldn't be a guy because I was never a masculine child and didn't "feel like a man", and it was a very gradual process until I came to accept I'm trans, but once one gets there things are easier in a way so I'm glad you've come to that realization at a relatively young age too.

As for transitioning, like Hadley said it's probably a good idea to look into your options and think of what you want and how you can do it. Personally I knew medical transition wasn't possible in th forseeable future so I've been doing things on the social front and presenting as male fulltime and it has mentally helped me a lot even if it's also caused some problems. But that same thing might not be an option for you so yeah, figure out what things you can do to start transitioning in any way and which of those you'd like to try if you're able.

Telling your mom might be tricky.. Though I guess it's a good sign she's been accepting of other things. But my mom was accepting of me being asexual and liking guys and girls but then she was completely unsupportive when it came to this and said some really harsh transphobic stuff. So if you decide to tell your mom I hope you have a better experience than that. Maybe talk to her about trans people in general before doing it and ask her things like how would she feel if she was trans or if someone close to her turned out to be trans so you can kinda see what her reaction might be.

In any case good luck with coming out and starting your transition!

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Sorry for taking so long to repsond. I was on edge all day yesterday. My heartrate was higher than normal and it just wouldn't go down and I felt awful.

Advice on what to do next...hmm. Research? Do you know what your options are, how to use those options? Do you have a plan in place? Do you want to have a plan? I've actually kind of just winged this whole thing. I take next steps as they come up and seem right. So there's no wrong way to do it. Being honest with yourself is the most important part. If something is too scary to do, don't do it. Don't let people pressure you into doing it. Transition has kind of a cascade effect. The more things you do, the more things you can do. The things at first might be really tiny, but they add up. Before you even realize it you'll be doing things you wouldn't have dreamed you could do. Let that flow determine your path. It's the easiest, least stressful way forward in a process that overall is incredibly difficult. Don't add unnecessarily to the difficulty.

I really don't know where to start with research. Could you maybe give me a guide as to what I should research just to start off? I'm just so lost and confused and I really don't know where to start. As for a plan, um... not really. This is all sort of new to me.

Thanks for the advice :)

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butterflydreams

Sorry for taking so long to repsond. I was on edge all day yesterday. My heartrate was higher than normal and it just wouldn't go down and I felt awful.

Advice on what to do next...hmm. Research? Do you know what your options are, how to use those options? Do you have a plan in place? Do you want to have a plan? I've actually kind of just winged this whole thing. I take next steps as they come up and seem right. So there's no wrong way to do it. Being honest with yourself is the most important part. If something is too scary to do, don't do it. Don't let people pressure you into doing it. Transition has kind of a cascade effect. The more things you do, the more things you can do. The things at first might be really tiny, but they add up. Before you even realize it you'll be doing things you wouldn't have dreamed you could do. Let that flow determine your path. It's the easiest, least stressful way forward in a process that overall is incredibly difficult. Don't add unnecessarily to the difficulty.

I really don't know where to start with research. Could you maybe give me a guide as to what I should research just to start off? I'm just so lost and confused and I really don't know where to start. As for a plan, um... not really. This is all sort of new to me.

Thanks for the advice :)

Oh no! Sorry you felt so on edge. I know it's scary, but it won't do you any good in the long run to get all worked up over it. I know how hard it is to tell yourself that (trust me) but it really is true.

As far as research, it depends on what you're looking to do. Are you looking to medically transition with hormones? Are you looking to just socially transition? Something else? Personally, I can only speak to the medical part of it, because that was the direction I went. Truthfully, I got lucky. I happened to be on some random reddit board and someone happened to name drop a doctor in my area who would take new patients for evaluations. Of course, by that time I was already 80% set on transitioning. So it was mostly going through the formalities of getting evaluated and showing that I could follow through on basic things like keeping appointments and filling out forms. Your exact experience there will depend greatly on where you're geographically located.

If you're not set on anything yet, that's ok too. You can always take more time to explore. You are very young, and there's certainly no rush here. It's a big decision. There are a lot of ramifications of medically transitioning, but there are a lot of positives too. You could hang around here (I highly recommend the Transwhatevers pinned thread...some amazing folks hang out there :)), you could research on your own. It's all up to you. Transitioning (if you choose to do so) is your journey and yours alone. Don't ever let anyone else tell you how to do it, or that you're doing it wrong. Don't let them shame you for taking things slowly, or for being scared. The only person who will go through everything is you, so you alone get to call all the shots :)

Transitioning is scary. People don't like to say that, but it is. And it's ok to have doubts about it. It boggles my mind sometimes that I'm...so many months into it and I still have periods of doubt. But doubts are ok. I hear them, I listen to them, and I calmly speak to myself, "Hadley, this doubt is temporary. Look at this temporary doubt compared to all that you have done." Doubts just mean you're thoughtful and careful. Both very good things.

But again, go at your pace. There's no rush. I didn't get this train rolling until just after my 27th birthday.

I found this (http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/) to be incredibly helpful as well as all the videos made by this woman.

I really don't want you to work yourself up too much about all this though. Sort through the available resources, but at the end of the day, remember, it's about living your life, and being happy as your true self. That's it. That should always be a happy, exciting journey :cake:

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Thanks Hadley :) Those videos were really helpful to me. A lot of her experiences really resonated with me.

I think I just need more time to think, but I'll keep hanging around here. I'll definitely try not to stress myself out too much. This is hard, but it's unfair on myself to make it harder than it should be.

Thanks again.

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Calligraphette_Coe

In the 2+ years I've been lurking here, I never thought I'd be making an account. But here I am, so hi.

The title sort of explains why I made an account. These last few months have been really difficult for me. It's been the first time in like 3 years that I've seriously questioned my gender. I recently came to the conclusion that I'm a trans girl, which was not easy to admit to myself. I suppose I should give you some background.

I was about 15 the first time I quesitoned my gender. Back then, I had no information, I was alone, and I thought I was a freak. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I was a freak because I so desparately wanted to be female. I thought that if I had told anyone about how I felt, they'd also think I was a freak, so I kept it all to myself. It hurt so much and I didn't know why. In the end, I couldn't handle it. I essentially detached myself from my gender (if they makes any sense). I became emotionally numb for the next 3 years.

The hardest part for me back then was the fact that I thought I didn't "feel like a girl" therefore I'm not one. But I had a misconception of what gender was. I felt like I could never truly be myself without being female. I felt like I would never be complete as a person without being female. Literally the only thing I had ever wanted was to be female. And yet, I still thought I couldn't possibly be a girl. I had thought that because most of my interests tend to be things that guys like, and the fact that I don't really like a lot f aspects of femininity, I couldn't possibly be a girl. I know now that masculinity and femininity don't matter.

Fast forward to today, and I've pretty much accepted that I'm a girl. It was tough. But this time around, I actually had information, and I don't feel like a freak. I wouldn't hace been able to admit this to myself if I hadn't read what people had to say on here (to all those who shared their experiences which helped me, thank you). I've also asked the fine folks over at Arocalypse (where I spend most of my time online) to refer to me with female pronouns and I love it. The reason I'm posting this here is because Arocalypse is tiny and there just aren't enough people over there who can help me.

Now comes the hard part. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I should transition. It's a tough decision to make, and no matter what I decide to do now, it's going to effect me in the years to come (that includes waiting and doing nothing). I'm only young (19) so I have my whole life ahead of me. To be honest, transitioning really scares me. I just need advice on what I should do next. Although if there was one thing that I really want to do if nothing else, it's to get rid of my facial hair.

I was also thinking of telling my mum about how I'm feeling about all this. She was accepting of my aro and aceness, although she was concerned that I was limiting myself with the labels. Which is why if I do tell her, I'd be telling her how I felt without putting a label on it.

Above all else, I just don't want history to repeat itself. I need advice on what to do next. If you want anymore information, feel free to ask. Thanks for reading this far.

It's sooo hard sometimes to know what to do when you know that things have a propensity to go sideways on you. But, transitioning does have its own ticking biological clock-- the longer you wait before doing HRT, the harder it gets to reverse what the opposite clock has already done.

But another but.... sometimes things are easier to manage if you play the long game. In other words, transition *very* gradually by doing low does HRT and make plans 5 years out to be somewhere different. Even then, such as in my own personal situation, it can still go sideways. But the bad stuff is easier to dodge and manage.

They don't call gender transitioning "The Uninvited Dilemma" for nada.....

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epiphanycakes

I would say that I asked myself deep questions , who do I want to be? what am I willing to lose to be me? and so on for me it was not until I asked these questions honestly of myself I moved to transition. I also had to i reached braking point ( long story my dysphoria was really bad)

In the 2+ years I've been lurking here, I never thought I'd be making an account. But here I am, so hi.

The title sort of explains why I made an account. These last few months have been really difficult for me. It's been the first time in like 3 years that I've seriously questioned my gender. I recently came to the conclusion that I'm a trans girl, which was not easy to admit to myself. I suppose I should give you some background.

I was about 15 the first time I quesitoned my gender. Back then, I had no information, I was alone, and I thought I was a freak. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I was a freak because I so desparately wanted to be female. I thought that if I had told anyone about how I felt, they'd also think I was a freak, so I kept it all to myself. It hurt so much and I didn't know why. In the end, I couldn't handle it. I essentially detached myself from my gender (if they makes any sense). I became emotionally numb for the next 3 years.

The hardest part for me back then was the fact that I thought I didn't "feel like a girl" therefore I'm not one. But I had a misconception of what gender was. I felt like I could never truly be myself without being female. I felt like I would never be complete as a person without being female. Literally the only thing I had ever wanted was to be female. And yet, I still thought I couldn't possibly be a girl. I had thought that because most of my interests tend to be things that guys like, and the fact that I don't really like a lot f aspects of femininity, I couldn't possibly be a girl. I know now that masculinity and femininity don't matter.

Fast forward to today, and I've pretty much accepted that I'm a girl. It was tough. But this time around, I actually had information, and I don't feel like a freak. I wouldn't hace been able to admit this to myself if I hadn't read what people had to say on here (to all those who shared their experiences which helped me, thank you). I've also asked the fine folks over at Arocalypse (where I spend most of my time online) to refer to me with female pronouns and I love it. The reason I'm posting this here is because Arocalypse is tiny and there just aren't enough people over there who can help me.

Now comes the hard part. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I should transition. It's a tough decision to make, and no matter what I decide to do now, it's going to effect me in the years to come (that includes waiting and doing nothing). I'm only young (19) so I have my whole life ahead of me. To be honest, transitioning really scares me. I just need advice on what I should do next. Although if there was one thing that I really want to do if nothing else, it's to get rid of my facial hair.

I was also thinking of telling my mum about how I'm feeling about all this. She was accepting of my aro and aceness, although she was concerned that I was limiting myself with the labels. Which is why if I do tell her, I'd be telling her how I felt without putting a label on it.

Above all else, I just don't want history to repeat itself. I need advice on what to do next. If you want anymore information, feel free to ask. Thanks for reading this far.

for me coming out was easyish my family are very understanding and know with these things I mean it . it can take awhile to see doctors eta , i would say for me i told her then let her get to grips with it. Remember when you come out as ace or what ever in her eyes your still her son , this is a big change of who you are. if your living with your family you might want to try and move out to transition like i did. but it depends you need to think like this is making a new life for you. you are ripping apart your old one. i am here if you need to message someone i transitioned at like 23 ish hit me up with any questions ok honey xxx

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