Is it wrong to fake sexuality?

[Italia47]

Hi folks, this is my first post, I've been a long-time lurker. I'm still not 100% certain if I'm assexual, but I'm definitely somewhere on the spectrum. I'm also into romantic relationships, and I'm currently very much in love with my boyfriend of two years.

Here's the problem. When we started our relationship, I hadn't yet realized I was assexual. We had sex or fooled around almost every day of the week and multiple times on the weekend for the first year of our relationship. I had a lot of sex with him because I just thought of it as something you were supposed to do in a relationship, and I wanted to make him feel loved and wanted. But despite all the sex we were having, I never had sexual thoughts, and I never got much out of sex (never had an orgasm, never really felt into it). But I was good at faking, and he was convinced that we were sexually compatible.

After a while, I began to search the Internet to try to figure out why I was hardly interested in sex. After a few months of deliberation, I reached the conclusion that I was, to some degree, assexual. I confronted him about it, and our entire relationship changed.

He stopped initiating, and he wouldn't go with it much when I initiated, because he said he didn't like having sex with me knowing that I wasn't into it. After a month or so of no sex, he cheated on me with a girl that he said made him feel more wanted, sexually. We broke up and he tried to get with her. I was devastated.

While I was single, I did everything I could to try to muster some sexuality in me. I started taking high doses of libido pills, which did make me feel aroused, but it was a purely physical result and I had no sexual thoughts or urges linked to the feeling of arousal. I went to therapy and tried to sort through past sexual traumas I had been through in the hopes that I would find that to be the thing that was dampening my sex drive, but that wasn't it either. My sex drive just wasn't there.

It wasn't long before my ex lost interest in that other girl and came back to me. I told him about how I was going to sex therapy and I told him it was helping. I pretended that my sexuality had been unlocked, that I wasn't assexual after all, and we got back together.

We've been together for a couple months now, and we've been having more sex than ever, at least 3-5 times a week (I know that because I keep a mental tally of it now. I don't ever let it go below 3). That's also not counting the dirty talk and hand jobs I give him daily. He has certain fetishes that I don't enjoy doing, but I pretend to love them and I dive into them with him as often as possible. He says he is having the best sexual relatonship he's ever had now.

Is what I'm doing wrong? I am not repulsed by sex, I just view it as a chore rather than a fun hobby. There are times when I feel very close and intimate with him during sex, and those times I am not faking, but it's an emotional intimacy, not a physical one. I had tried being honest about assexuality before, and he cheated on me because he thought it made us incompatible. Yet here we are again, I'm still assexual, but he thinks he's having the best sexual connection in his life. If it's just the idea of assexuality that makes him not feel compatible with me, and not my behavior, then why should I tell him I'm still assexual?

I don't get pleasure from lying to him, but I do get pleasure from seeing him feel wanted. I want him more than I want anyone else, and even though I can't express that sexually, I think faking an intense sex drive is making him feel wanted on the level I want him. Is what I'm doing wrong?

[Guest]

It's not wrong from a moral perspective, no. Not at all. It may be wrong on a practical level if it's causing you distress, shame, anxiety, etc. If it's not, then no worries... but keep in mind that all that pretending is going to get very tiring, and you may find yourself more anxious and/or repulsed as time goes on, in which case its important to talk to him again and stop doing what's causing you emotional distress. I wish you the best.

[SithLord]

I think it's only wrong if you find that it's negatively affecting you mentally or psychologically. Some people are incapable of being in a happy, functional relationship like yours, but others are perfectly okay with it. Everyone is unique and one couple isn't the same as another. If you think that works and are happy with it, go for it.

Welcome to AVEN btw. :)

[Homer]

Such a lie would blow up in your face sooner or later. The longer it takes, the heavier the impact. As CBC already said, I would be pretty upset to find out about it.

[Éadweard]

It's always wrong to lie about your sexual orientation in a relationship

[Peachyy]

You can lie about yourself all you want but it takes a lot of energy to do that consistently and it's a bit of an asshole move if you're doing it so that you can create relationships with people. They shouldn't have to waste their time expending emotional care towards someone who is falsely reciprocating. You might think it's enough to respond sexually the way you think will please him, but despite your love for him, it's very insulting to his personal faculties. Good people who invest their time and care towards you should at the very least warrant genuine responses, and if you aren't willing to give that to them, you shouldn't accept theirs.

[MrDane]

To me, it sound like the OP is trying to act like a hypersexual, totally turned on, sexmonster and the reality is closer to asexual with a bit of a indifference to sex!

It is ok to play-along and focus on the fact, that you get pleasure out of giving him pleasure. (Though on a different level) but it is not ok to cheat or lie!

I do understand your dilemma, but someday your cup may be full, and then what? And how will he react? One thing is splitting up as a young couple, but when there are kids, house, future saving, mutual friends/family involved?

[Guest]

I understand where you are coming from but faking your sexuality wouldn't be good for both you and your partner, it could damage your relationship with him on a longer term.

[SorryNotSorry]

It may not necessarily be wrong, but the other person will figure it out sooner or later.

[Lara Black]

Hello, Italia.

The question is not only whether it’s wrong to fake sexuality (that’s been sufficiently discussed here), but whether or not it’s the best option for you. With a partner that accepts your sexuality you might be able to find what you really enjoy about intimacy, get the most pleasure from physical contact. And – in addition to that – an honest relationship. Do you want to sacrifice all that for your current relationship?

[Busrider]

You do something because you​ want the result. <- Never entirely wrong. It only rings the alert bells in my head: How long will your stamina last? - You are supposed to carry on till you are 75...

So I guess you two will split earlier. Or since you are keeping a list: Do you get 3​ great moments of your preferred flavor out of relationship a relationship week too? - If so: Its hopefully balanced & stable.

[Tanzanite]

It's not wrong, but it won't make you happy in the long run. Granted, he's happy, but relationships don't have to be so sacrificial. It's only a matter of time before you can't keep up with this anymore.

[Heidirs]

I don't think it's wrong to fake it, necessarily. In a way, I fake it too. I initiate sex even though I don't want it, and I can "pretend" to enjoy it even though I find it boring. Though that's a bit of a stretch because I do like that it makes my spouse happy, so there some kind of level of enjoyment even though it's not physical. The emotional part that you mentioned is important.

But, my husband knows I'm ace. We've talked about it, and he knows I don't truly desire sex or him sexually. So even if there's some faking involved, it's on the very surface level. We're both fully aware of who I am, and why I've chosen to engage in sexual activity.

My concern in your situation is what others have mentioned. If it's causing you stress because you feel untruthful or because you don't feel you can really be yourself, then I can imagine this breaking down at some point.

[Sally]

OP, you are going to get very tired, and then exhausted, and then it's extremely probable that you will end up repulsed, and you will have to explain to your partner that this has been a sham, which will be very painful for both of you.

I don't know what you can do now. If you tell your partner that this HAS been a sham, that will likely be the end of the relationship, because he will feel doubly lied to. If you don't, the relationship is eventually going to break down because you won't be able to carry it anymore. I guess it depends on whether you think it would be better now, or later.

[Lenika]

Hi folks, this is my first post, I've been a long-time lurker. I'm still not 100% certain if I'm assexual, but I'm definitely somewhere on the spectrum. I'm also into romantic relationships, and I'm currently very much in love with my boyfriend of two years.

Here's the problem. When we started our relationship, I hadn't yet realized I was assexual. We had sex or fooled around almost every day of the week and multiple times on the weekend for the first year of our relationship. I had a lot of sex with him because I just thought of it as something you were supposed to do in a relationship, and I wanted to make him feel loved and wanted. But despite all the sex we were having, I never had sexual thoughts, and I never got much out of sex (never had an orgasm, never really felt into it). But I was good at faking, and he was convinced that we were sexually compatible.

After a while, I began to search the Internet to try to figure out why I was hardly interested in sex. After a few months of deliberation, I reached the conclusion that I was, to some degree, assexual. I confronted him about it, and our entire relationship changed.

He stopped initiating, and he wouldn't go with it much when I initiated, because he said he didn't like having sex with me knowing that I wasn't into it. After a month or so of no sex, he cheated on me with a girl that he said made him feel more wanted, sexually. We broke up and he tried to get with her. I was devastated.

While I was single, I did everything I could to try to muster some sexuality in me. I started taking high doses of libido pills, which did make me feel aroused, but it was a purely physical result and I had no sexual thoughts or urges linked to the feeling of arousal. I went to therapy and tried to sort through past sexual traumas I had been through in the hopes that I would find that to be the thing that was dampening my sex drive, but that wasn't it either. My sex drive just wasn't there.

It wasn't long before my ex lost interest in that other girl and came back to me. I told him about how I was going to sex therapy and I told him it was helping. I pretended that my sexuality had been unlocked, that I wasn't assexual after all, and we got back together.

We've been together for a couple months now, and we've been having more sex than ever, at least 3-5 times a week (I know that because I keep a mental tally of it now. I don't ever let it go below 3). That's also not counting the dirty talk and hand jobs I give him daily. He has certain fetishes that I don't enjoy doing, but I pretend to love them and I dive into them with him as often as possible. He says he is having the best sexual relatonship he's ever had now.

Is what I'm doing wrong? I am not repulsed by sex, I just view it as a chore rather than a fun hobby. There are times when I feel very close and intimate with him during sex, and those times I am not faking, but it's an emotional intimacy, not a physical one. I had tried being honest about assexuality before, and he cheated on me because he thought it made us incompatible. Yet here we are again, I'm still assexual, but he thinks he's having the best sexual connection in his life. If it's just the idea of assexuality that makes him not feel compatible with me, and not my behavior, then why should I tell him I'm still assexual?

I don't get pleasure from lying to him, but I do get pleasure from seeing him feel wanted. I want him more than I want anyone else, and even though I can't express that sexually, I think faking an intense sex drive is making him feel wanted on the level I want him. Is what I'm doing wrong?

Ehhh I wouldn't say its wrong, it sounds like its rooted in emotional intimacy, which is at least 50% of sexual desire. You don't have to call it asexuality.

Why not try explaining the intense emotionally intimate feelings and your aesthetic attraction if you have no sexual? Explain that's how you are attracted to him, don't separate it from sexual attraction, just explain that THIS is the way you feel it. "Your body is so hot" can be completely aesthetic really but saying so makes him feel sexually attractive. If some chores are 'chores' you don't like, but you have other sexual things you do not mind or maybe even like try telling him "hey I'm super into you and I know you really like 'z' but I would be more into 'x' activities, I feel closer and more passionate when we 'x' " he might be more willing to let those fetishes go a bit.

Now I am no authority on any of this, but I hear all the time from sexual friends, physical pleasure and orgasum are physical and not necessarily attached to the 'sexual attraction' making it possible for people to get off on masturbation. Now many many sexual women do not experience orgasum durring partnered sex, and are greatly distressed by it, I know there are particular sexual therapists who deal with this and helping women find a way to achive orgasum durring partnered sex with the help of their partner. And this problem is often simple anatomy of female genitalia and it not being stimulated during penetrative sex. Or the libido pills to help her get off more often if that is an issue she wants to try and change. But with any of these options you know yourself best. These are just some very common things I hear from sexuals.

So all may not be lost if you are just missing 'sexual attraction' and not the emotional or physical components. You know yourself best so perhaps look into the above? I would think it worth exploring the above before throwing in the towel and calling it quits. Go with your gut though!

That said beware of what Sally has mentioned, if it is just a chore you are likely to get tired of it, and then you are faced with the 'now or later' option. Don't try to live a lie if it's something you really don't want.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Personally I think it is wrong to intentionally deceive someone you love, and in this situation I'm sure it will backfire. When you're doing something you don't enjoy on a regular basis you'll get bored of it, eventually your partner is going to notice and then it will all have to be revealed; better to be honest now than cause even more upset later on.

[rainycity]

I am so sorry he cheated on you and left you after you opened up to him about your asexuality. That is so sad.

Are you still seeing your therapist? I'd be interested in her opinion on this. And she should know you pretty well, better than we do after one forum post.

It sounds like you're happy, to some extent, and he's happy, for now. But how long can you keep this up? I think your nagging worry that what you're doing is wrong is because you know, at some point, the truth will come out, and it will hurt him. He's already said that he doesn't want to sleep with you if you don't want to sleep with him, right? I know that puts you in a really difficult situation. It might not end well. I'm sorry.

[MrDane]

I don't think it's wrong to fake it, necessarily. In a way, I fake it too. I initiate sex even though I don't want it, and I can "pretend" to enjoy it even though I find it boring. Though that's a bit of a stretch because I do like that it makes my spouse happy, so there some kind of level of enjoyment even though it's not physical. The emotional part that you mentioned is important.

But, my husband knows I'm ace. We've talked about it, and he knows I don't truly desire sex or him sexually. So even if there's some faking involved, it's on the very surface level. We're both fully aware of who I am, and why I've chosen to engage in sexual activity.

My concern in your situation is what others have mentioned. If it's causing you stress because you feel untruthful or because you don't feel you can really be yourself, then I can imagine this breaking down at some point.

I agree with you! I just dont like the word 'fake'! I would prefer 'play along'! When you initiate sex, I guess, you are actually saying "now, would be an ok time for me to have sex, and I would like to give it to you and I know you like it." What about during sex? Do you act? ...or exaggerate? ...or fake?

[Sally]

I don't think it's wrong to fake it, necessarily. In a way, I fake it too. I initiate sex even though I don't want it, and I can "pretend" to enjoy it even though I find it boring. Though that's a bit of a stretch because I do like that it makes my spouse happy, so there some kind of level of enjoyment even though it's not physical. The emotional part that you mentioned is important.

But, my husband knows I'm ace. We've talked about it, and he knows I don't truly desire sex or him sexually. So even if there's some faking involved, it's on the very surface level. We're both fully aware of who I am, and why I've chosen to engage in sexual activity.

My concern in your situation is what others have mentioned. If it's causing you stress because you feel untruthful or because you don't feel you can really be yourself, then I can imagine this breaking down at some point.

I agree with you! I just dont like the word 'fake'! I would prefer 'play along'! When you initiate sex, I guess, you are actually saying "now, would be an ok time for me to have sex, and I would like to give it to you and I know you like it." What about during sex? Do you act? ...or exaggerate? ...or fake?

I think you have to let us use the word(s) that we individually prefer, MrDane. We're the ones doing it.

[martinicus]

I agree with Lenika: if you really love this guy in all other ways (personality, shared interests, romance, visual appearance) and if you yourself find all of these factors to be sufficient for long term relationships, then put the accent on those - make him feel wanted in every other possible way you want him, and let him know. Also, take the responsibility of the sexual side on yourself - make it clear to your BF that it's not that you don't want him sexually. You just can't want him, the same way as a blind person cannot see. Make it clear to him that it's not your choice and it's not your fault nor his fault, it's just the "wiring" of your body.

Of course, you can play along and give him full sexual satisfaction (especially if you find yourself enjoying the fact that he is feeling the pleasure), if this does not make you overly tired, anxious or any other way completely uncomfortable, but it would be best to let him know early than let it go out sometime later when you might completely break his heart.

I understand, that being open about it is risky. Although both women and men can feel depressed if they can't sexually satisfy their partners, for males this seems to be more pronounced and linked to their self-esteem. One simple example. It is usual to characterize masculine behavior as "this man has big balls" (also heard about women "a girl with balls", if some girl does something characteristic to a man). So, man's performance in multiple areas of his life is related to his genitals and sexuality. I haven't heard that feminine behavior is characterized as "she's got big breasts" in the same metaphorical sense as man's balls.

Your BF most probably feels much higher level of arousal when seeing your fake orgasm (you are really good at it, I guess) and believing it's real and that he is the one in power to give this pleasure to you. If you take this "sexual control" away from him, his desire for you might be weakened or even turned off, unfortunately.

Lies might get out anyway, when you least expect it. So, do some evaluation - what is important in your relationship and how your BF would deal with it. Judging from his first reaction, he seems to be pretty clear - he can't feel "man enough" if he doesn't get the desired feedback from you. This might change with time, he might grow over it and find other ways to stabilize his self-esteem and be able to fully enjoy sex even knowing that you are just playing along, but don't count on it.

Take care.

[nanogretchen4]

No. Don't be careful. Be honorable. Be strong and courageous. By your own admission you got your boyfriend back by telling a conscious premeditated lie about how therapy unlocked your sexuality. It's a very high maintenance lie. On a daily basis you are having to reinforce the lie in ways I seriously doubt are bringing you true happiness. You don't have to live that way. You don't have to be that person. Do the very clear right thing. Tell the truth, break up with your incompatible boyfriend, and stay broken up.

Is getting over someone you are in love with difficult and painful? Yes. I am very sorry, but that is the truth. In the future when you are ready to love again, will it take time and hard work to find an asexual partner who actually wants to be in a sexfree relationship and is happy not to be desired sexually? Yes, it will. But on the other side of the tears and the time and the hard work, there is an authentic life and a relationship based on reality.

[Tainted]

I've been living a lie for many years, partly out of lack of knowledge (hadn't heard of asexuality til Thursday) and partly through my own brand of pressure (asserting to myself that sex would get better if I just tried harder, or found the right person, etc) and it has left me feeling broken, weak and worthless as a man. Finding out the truth about myself was great, but I'm married to a sexual woman who has a lot of esteem tied into how sex makes her feel. I'm not ready to talk to her yet, but I know I have to, despite the possibility that the marriage we have worked at could (COULD, the only word that makes this bearable to talk about right now) come crashing down, because I love her, and she deserves to know the truth.

I would encourage you to be honest with him, you both deserve the truth.

Happiness through a lie is misery disguised.

[Sally]

I've been living a lie for many years, partly out of lack of knowledge (hadn't heard of asexuality til Thursday) and partly through my own brand of pressure (asserting to myself that sex would get better if I just tried harder, or found the right person, etc)

Lack of knowlege and trying to see if sex would "get better" is not living a lie. You weren't lying to yourself, nor were you lying to your wife.

[Tainted]

Thanks for that, looks like I may have some stuff to work through there but you are right.

[oskietje]

I love that this is looking at it through an ethical perspective. I've often felt that disclosing that I'm asexual actually hurts or kills possibilities for forming new relationships. I've become much more open about it in the most recent years, and I think that might be a contributing factor to not being able to find or cultivate relationships.

Before when it was something that I didn't disclose, it was much easier to meet people and feel like we were on the same page. I wasn't being dishonest, but then once someone asked me if I was ace, and I was honest about it.

I feel like I should be encouraging people to be honest, and I've always urged myself to be such, but a sinking feeling is omnipresent for me.