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31 and more confused than ever.


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Hi all. I'm new here and quite confused about my sexuality. Bear with me -- this might get long.

There have been many signs over the years (I'm 31, by the way) that point to asexuality, but there are also things contradicting that, which makes me more confused than ever. I'll just start from the beginning.

When I was in middle school and high school, I definitely remember having "crushes" on boys, and so for the longest time, I cast the idea of being asexual out the window. But I've come to realize that I wasn't *physically* attracted to those boys. It was their personalities that I found attractive. But I would say that I was curious about sex from the age of 12 or so.

My first relationship was with a girl, my best friend. We were both introverts, nerds, and perfect for each other. We dated for around four years, from the ages of 12-16. She was the first person I did any kind of sexual experimenting with. At first, it was just hand holding/kissing/cuddling, but eventually we did more, and I remember enjoying it. Here's where things get odd though -- we only ever had sexual encounters/contact when we were both roleplaying (pretending to be other people -- mainly fictional characters from various fandoms we both enjoyed). I distinctly remember that I was ONLY able to get aroused if I was pretending both she and I were other people. When I was pretending to be someone else, I was able to enjoy myself and even sought out sexual contact. The same could not be said if we weren't roleplaying. I didn't want to do anything sexual if I was "myself" and I wasn't sexually attracted to her (as opposed to when I was fantasizing she was a fictional character).

We ended our relationship at 16.

Fresh out of high school, I entered a serious, 4 year relationship with a man. This is when I really started to suspect something was wrong with me. He was a funny guy; smart, witty, and very sweet. I was NOT sexually attracted to him, but I loved him. With the exception of maybe the first half-dozen times we had sex (after the newness and excitement wore off), I disliked it. I dreaded it. I did it because I felt I was obligated. It was mechanical and boring and uncomfortable. I did love him, and felt horrible because I just wasn't into sex at all. I do feel, in part, that the reason the relationship ultimately failed was due to our lack of sexual chemistry. He thought something was wrong with him because I had absolutely no desire to have sex.

I was single for a few years before I entered another relationship with a man, someone who had been a friend for a long time. Same exact thing happened. The first few times we had sex, it was exciting and new. But within a week, I went back to dreading it and only doing it out of obligation. I enjoyed his company and companionship. The emotional connection was there, but not the physical. I just wasn't interested. We parted ways after one year of living together.

My latest relationship (from age 27 - 30) was the most telling, I believe. I met a man through an online game. We talked for over a year before we actually met in person. The emotional connection was real. I loved him before I ever set eyes on him. Since we lived 1500 miles apart, we would have phone sex. Sometimes I participated only to humor him, but other times, I was interested and engaged in the activity. When we finally met and moved in together, I quickly fell back into my normal behaviors after the newness/excitement wore off. Sex felt like a chore, something I did out of obligation. I loved spending time with him, and being emotionally intimate was never a problem, but I never craved him physically (even though aesthetically, he was a very good looking man). When he left me for someone else, I was devastated.

I've been alone for the past year. I do get lonely quite often, but it's more about missing having a companion, someone to watch tv with, someone to talk to, someone to unload my emotional burdens to. I don't miss sex. That being said, I've always had a healthy libido and I do enjoy regular masturbating. I love reading erotica (and yes, it definitely turns me on), and even watch porn on occasion. Watching the act turns me on, but not the people doing it. When I masturbate, I *always* fantasize about being someone else (mainly, fictional characters). I'm not ever "myself", if you get my meaning. The same goes for when I read erotica. I imagine being the character in the book. I remove myself from it all, and only then am I able to become aroused. The idea of sex is arousing, but NOT the people doing it. I honestly quite like the idea of sex, but being physically intimate myself is, at best, boring, and at worst, repulsive. And strangely enough, I love reading about genitals and bodily fluids, but find both absolutely disgusting in "real life".

My first relationship with my best friend was the only one I ever sought out sexual contact with (and even then, it was only when we were roleplaying). I've never since been able to replicate it. I don't know what this makes me -- asexual, or just odd. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated...

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Well you could be greysexual, though a lot of that does sound pretty asexual...

Up until recently I was like that in the sense that I never wanted to have sex with anyone at all and couldn't imagine myself doing it but fantasizing about fictional people doing it was sexy, and I think that's something other people here have experienced as well. I never imagined myself being one of those fictional people though, I was just not involved in the fantasy at all in any way.

But in any case, only you can figure out what you are of course but it sounds like you, as yourself, don't really find people sexually attractive or want to have sex with them so it does seem like some degree of asexuality in my opinion.

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LibertyThornberry

Hey Altra. I have resently made sense of my sexuality. I have never been sexually attracted to my partners. Sex is an obligation unless I have ovulated, then I am aroused but the act sexual intercourse in itself turns me on but not the person. Imagining the act and watching people turns me on, would do me fine easily. The only physical contact I crave are cuddles but they mustn't last too long because then I feel uncomfortable. This week, I have ovulated and I can feel my body aroused but all my mind sees in the penetration with a penis or a woman's fingers but no faces, no scenarios just basic stuff. Next week, it will be as if nothing happened and I wouldn't be able to recall much of my feelings and thoughts.

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Hi Altra :cake:

It certainly sounds like you may be asexual. I didn't consider asexuality until my early 30s either, so I can attest to the fact that the age you come to realize it doesn't make it any more or less valid. It sounds like you're not repulsed by sex and have always understood it to be part of the average relationship, so you've gone along with it though having no desire yourself. There are a lot of people here at AVEN who have had similar experiences.

Regarding the libido/masturbation/fantasy part, I experience it similarly to you. I use fantasies to get myself going so I can work up the physical release, but it's mostly through fictional characters, and revolving around activities I'd never actually want to do in real life. The way I see it is I have a libido that needs to be appeased and an imagination that needs to be let loose, and I combine the two to help me wind down.

Anyway, welcome to AVEN. I hope you find useful information here. People may give you a ton of words to consider as labels, but you're free to call yourself whatever sits best with you. :)

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Hello Altra!

It sounds like you could be asexual but you are the only one who can decide that. Fantasizing about fictional characters doesn't seem uncommon here. I do it too though I don't quite fantasize that I'm the fictional character. I believe there is actually a word for it. Maybe try looking up Autochorissexual and see if that helps. If it doesn't, or if it does, I'm sure you'll find tons of useful information on Aven. In fact, I haven't had a question that there wasn't a post for already. And if there isn't or those posts don't answer your question, ask anyway.

Whatever conclusion you come to, it, by no means, makes you odd.

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I read the first post just now. The second after registering. I am sitting in a coffee house, my boyfriend of one year opposite me. I almost started crying. it is like reading about me, and that I assure you all is not something I am used to when sex is concerned.

The obligative sex, the porn and erotica, the heartfelt love one cannot turn into a joyful sexual experience. I am with you on this, and it is as frightening as it is exciting to read this. And it is this post I came here in search for, and found it only now though having sneaked round here a few days.

I apologise for hijacking your thread, Altra, but I have to elaborate with my own story.

I am in my first relationship. I have acknowledged my homosexuality internally all my life, though in the days of childhood when sex and sexuality was not really something anyone talked of, I openly and (I am told) loudly proclamed my love for girls I apparently worshiped. I remember them as being to me goddesses more beautiful than most and I spent the days of kindergarten wooing them with mixed results. Twice I got 'married', once a batman to my bride during a carneval and once in a treehouse wearing my most splendid rain wear. As a child I were aesthetically focused on all that pleased my senses and I think I might have been the only child to love opera, shoes, keys, accessories and cars in a most ahead of it's time display of gender bending utter disregard of conformity, in my region of the country. And my parents let me.

Then came school, and things toned down a bit, though I would wear my mother's rings and shawls to school now and then, the girls liked me thus the bullys left me alone lest they mess up their chances with any of the females of the pack. I myself, though infatuated with several boys and men all over the age spectrum, where head over heels in love with one girl I often included in my lavish illustrations of our upcoming marriage. A scenario that stuck with me all my childhood and then some.

I knew, once sex became part of my world of ideas, that it was not for me. I wanted the married life and even children, but I would not father these nor bed my beloved. She would have a lover, as would I, but we would have a most successful marriage and be best of freinds. When one girl was no longer fit for the part of my queen, she was replaced. This due to personality matters, chemistry and sometimes rejection, as it always was a hefty equation mattering in all sorts of aspects of the person and beieve me, the physical was more a balancing part of it and not the main attraction. Still when I were sixteen this 'plan', as it were, featured in my mind. But then I switched my focus. Being gay was not perhaps a good thing, it seemed as I got older, and I toned it all down, and that included any reference to anyone being attractive. In truth I had not expressed my attraction towards any males ever, though I were in mannerism and tastes and interest a stereotypic homo.

About a year ago, after being open and out since I were nineteen, I decided to find a mate. I did after a mere month of dating. He is a perfect companion, as perfect as I dare hope for, but there is one problem. Sex. Yes, exciting to begin with but I have lacked and still do the pleasure he seems to experience. In spite of therapy(for a multitude of heaped up reasons) and a regime of applying all my theory, and practiced and visualised to perfection skills, this has not changed.

I had never been in a real relationship, my imagined fantasy ones were all sexless and I personally have never ever featured in any concious fantasy, though at times in lucid sexual dreams. When I have read about sex and sexuality I never feature in the visualisations and when I see hot guys on the street or wherever, I never venture beyond fliritng and teasing(which I looove) in my imagined interacions with these. If I do, it is like an erotic story saying "... and then they had sex THE END". in other words, if I ever got the guy I'd have no idea what to do with him.

A massive post, I beg your pardon, but this is a matter of severe importance to me and I think it ought to be given the wordcount to be explained properly. Also I must say I had until I entered this relationship given up on having one, and were happily planning on a life in solitary refinement, to quote Marjorie Hillis, and possibly have some so-called fuck buds or even just pay someone whenever I needed intimacy. And now, I have started dreaming of this again, knowing that sex won't work and that I cannot do this much longer. If we could agree that stripping to our underwear and touchy feely would be as far as we'd go, I could go on forever. But his sex drive is too strong, I fear, and I won't even masturbate lest I am alone in the house in the semi dark. It is to me like some primal need, a mechanical matter that is not something I can share. I would not say I am ashamed of the wanking, it is more the fact that I simply can not do it unless I am alone.

So, if anyone read it all: Where on earth am I in the sexual landscape? A homoromantic asexual? I do have some fetishes, but like fetishes most, they are object oriented. And I have considered that maybe another man could awaken my urges, but really I doubt it. And that won't help my poor boyfriend much either, will it. He doesen't even know I am having these thoughts, having accepted that my lacking libido is more due to insecurity and shyness on my part. So did I until very recent reading made me think otherwise. And so here we are.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

It's quite possible that you are homosexual. You mentioned seeking out sex with your first partner. That sounds like desire for sex. Granted, you felt it through roleplaying, but still the desire is there.

You may also be grey sexual, where the strength of your desire for sex is less than the average sexual person. But that's something only you can decide for yourself.

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Hi Altra, thank you for posting this! I related to it a crazy amount. Including the fandom roleplaying with girl friends as a teenager, omg. And... I do masturbate, but yeah, it's more thinking about sex as a concept, or imagining fictional scenarios... never, ever thinking about someone I actually know (or even an attractive celebrity or any "real person").

I looked up autochorissexual and it's the best explanation of myself I've come across. You might relate to it too.

Isn't it funny... this sounds like an asexual fetish! I do wonder, on some level, if it isn't negative effect of growing up with fanfiction/porn (which I discovered on the internet at a young age, and it was more of a curiosity than a turn-on, but I was very curious). It also seems... sort of... sociopathic.. like yeah, "I like sex, but without the people in it!" Honestly, I could probably masturbate to the idea of machines fucking. But I could never to a picture of a beautiful model of either gender, nor could I actually sleep with the said theoretical model. Ugh, anyway, maybe this is TMI. I believe that our desires or lack thereof are fine and healthy for us where we are in our lives right now. Better to recognize what we want, than live and lie and inadvertently traumatize ourselves.

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I looked up autochorissexual and it's the best explanation of myself I've come across. You might relate to it too.

Ok, this was interesting. I have spent a week thinking about what on earth I am, and this autochorissexuality is an eight out of ten!

Do you though feel sexually attracted to people on the street or wherever, and think "I'd ravage that!" to yourself? I do often, and have even been vocal about it when i'm with friends. It is however only on a certain level, because if ever approached by this person I would perhaps flirt around but be oh so bloody uncomfortable, I might say it and think it but would not actually go do it! All sex lose its appeal the second I come involved with it directly. So weird and seems completely unnatural. Certainly uncommon! And though I thought it was a self-esteem issue, I have come to see it is not that at all. it is simply that i am interested in the imagined, the external, the non-personal parts of it. And it feels fucked up. Even though it has been this way for as long as I can remmeber.

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I looked up autochorissexual and it's the best explanation of myself I've come across. You might relate to it too.

Ok, this was interesting. I have spent a week thinking about what on earth I am, and this autochorissexuality is an eight out of ten!

Do you though feel sexually attracted to people on the street or wherever, and think "I'd ravage that!" to yourself? I do often, and have even been vocal about it when i'm with friends. It is however only on a certain level, because if ever approached by this person I would perhaps flirt around but be oh so bloody uncomfortable, I might say it and think it but would not actually go do it! All sex lose its appeal the second I come involved with it directly. So weird and seems completely unnatural. Certainly uncommon! And though I thought it was a self-esteem issue, I have come to see it is not that at all. it is simply that i am interested in the imagined, the external, the non-personal parts of it. And it feels fucked up. Even though it has been this way for as long as I can remmeber.

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Do you though feel sexually attracted to people on the street or wherever, and think "I'd ravage that!" to yourself? I do often, and have even been vocal about it when i'm with friends. It is however only on a certain level, because if ever approached by this person I would perhaps flirt around but be oh so bloody uncomfortable, I might say it and think it but would not actually go do it! All sex lose its appeal the second I come involved with it directly. So weird and seems completely unnatural. Certainly uncommon! And though I thought it was a self-esteem issue, I have come to see it is not that at all. it is simply that i am interested in the imagined, the external, the non-personal parts of it. And it feels fucked up. Even though it has been this way for as long as I can remmeber.

This is very much like my experience, and I have come to think of it as just who I am. It feels really normal to me now, even though I'm well aware not many people experience the world this way. AVEN has certainly helped put this in perspective. I hope it does the same for you! :) :cake:

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As I read through threads I see I am not alone in feeling how i do, and with eight billion people on the blanet I find it hard to believe(though I often think it) that I am the only one feeling this way.

Actually, my paternal grandmother might be one. She told my mother that sex wasn't her thing. I have never asked her about sex, really, not because it would feel wrong or be off the list of topics, but more that we haven't really talked much of it. Now I am more inclined to think we ought to talk it over, as she had a marriage were she has separate bedrooms for half of it. The more I think about it the more sense that makes. And if she is, could I have 'inherited' it? Genetically?

For me the issue is mostly to understand how it is possible to want sex but not want it. Am I simply trained t want it? Like I am trained to eat certain foods i don't appreciate? Or do things, like celebrating Christmas, which seems to be such fun but ends up being the worst week of my entire year and every year gets worse and worse agrees less and less with me? These are the things I spend a lot of my days thinking about since I discovered this site. And the implications of it.

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